


By the Light of the Moon

by kirakiracats



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Non-Binary Hange Zoë, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Recovery, Slow Build, Werewolves, werewolf!eren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-12 06:16:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 89,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2098719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirakiracats/pseuds/kirakiracats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Growing up, Eren's mother had told him he couldn't go outside Shiganshina because his village was different from the rest of the world. She said the world wouldn't understand him because he was special, and that made it dangerous. But Eren wanted to see what lies beyond the only place he's ever known. He could never have imagined that one day his mother's warning would be proved right in the most horrifying way, showing him the darkest side of the human world. Is Eren fated to spend his life as a caged animal?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Cage

 

Sixteen. 

 

That’s how many bars there are on each side of Eren’s cage. His little square of the world, three metres long by three metres wide. Sixty-four thick, black iron bars that enclose him on all sides, a flat metal floor, and sixteen more bars fixed a short distance above his head.

 

He has also counted everything in this room endless times. Two heavy wooden doors, one as an entrance leading to the outside, and one leading to the back room. Three large windows next to the entrance, which only provide an uninspiring view of the wall opposite the shop front. Eren has long since stopped expecting to see something interesting out there, the faded red of the seven hundred and four visible bricks often blurring into one flat colour when he stares too long. One service counter near the back door. Four shelves running the length of both the right- and left-hand walls. Dozens of pet accessories, from collars and coats to bowls and beds, are arranged on these shelves, interrupting the view of the plain, off-white walls. Bags and tins of various food items are organised in stacks on the open floor space.

 

Eren shifts to lie on his back.

 

The ceiling is as it was yesterday; the discoloured patch in the back left corner still there, as is the crack in the plaster above the middle window. _Has that gotten longer in the past few days?_ No, he’s simply trying to find a miniscule difference that isn’t actually there in order to alleviate his ever-present boredom.

 

Eren lets his mind blank out again, easy to do in the silence of the room.

 

Eren’s nine metre square cage took centre stage; naturally, he is the spotlight item, but only for Vermin’s ‘night customers’. That is when the cage would rise up out of the basement where he spent the daylight hours, like some kind of ominous pedestal. It is dark out, as it always is when he is brought here, the main source of light coming from the lone streetlamp outside that must be placed just outside Eren’s line of vision. He raises his left arm and looks at how the cage bars make bold lines of shadow appear on his skin.

 

Three lines. One across his thin wrist, one above his elbow and the other about halfway down his upper arm.

 

He drops his arm again with a quiet sigh.

 

There is nothing special about tonight. Eren has no overwhelming urge to be on four legs. His blood is cool and dormant in his veins. But that doesn’t mean he is at peace. On the outside he is subdued and inactive, but on the inside…

 

Chaos.

 

There is no clock on the walls, but Eren knows it must be near ten o’clock when the back door opens and Vermin walks in to take his seat behind the counter. He has a mug of strong-smelling liquid in one hand – coffee, Eren figures after a second sniff – and a phone pressed to his ear.

 

“Yes, I’ve been trying to finish the necessary arrangements on time… Yes… Let them know I’m coming… No… You’ll have to wait… There’s just one loose end I need to tie up…”

 

Eren quickly tunes out of the conversation, Vermin’s gruff voice grating on his sensitive eardrums, but does tilt his head slightly so that he can watch the man’s movements in his peripheral vision.

 

Vermin’s tone rises and lowers in an annoying way as the minutes pass, and Eren can’t tell whether the exchange is in his favour or not. It isn’t like he cares at all what the outcome is, it’s just that the sudden loud words are making his ears twitch reflexively and it irritates him.

 

He counts the bars again to divert his attention. Sixteen on each side. Just like always.

 

Eren is partway through his third recount when the room falls quiet again. He hadn’t been paying attention to how the phone discussion had ended, but since Vermin is still relaxed in his chair he comes to the conclusion that it couldn’t have been negatively. But he does notice the moment when the man turns to leer at him, out of the corner of his eye.

 

He remains still, but that look makes him wish that it was a special night. At least then the human wouldn’t dare to come close. Eren’s body language never really said ‘approachable’ but when he wanted to be intimidating, with those claws and teeth, people gave him an extraordinarily wide berth.

 

If only he could be on four legs all the time, like how his parents were in the end. If only he had already lived through two hundred moon cycles. If only he was older. He was so close.

 

One hundred and ninety-six moons aren’t enough. Eren knows that.

 

There is a rustling from behind the counter, and then the sound of multiple somethings dropping into the metal bowl Vermin has retrieved from a different shelf.

 

Ah, Eren’s daily rations. The small bowl is slid through a gap in the bottom of one side of the cage. The boy eyes it with disdain. Dog kibble again. Just how long did the human expect him to swallow this down?

 

“Thanks, _Vermin_.”

 

Eren doesn’t usually engage in conversation, but the opportunity to make the man’s face twist into an ugly scowl is sometimes the highlight of his day. And he has no one else to talk to. Unfortunately, Vermin had grown used to the nickname recently, and no longer showed any outward signs of even hearing Eren speak. Perhaps the recent decline in food choices was his non-verbal retaliation, not that Eren enjoyed the tinned varieties any more than the dry food.

 

He is _not_ a dog.

 

Vermin isn’t even trying to treat him respectfully anymore. At this point Eren is less than a pet, barely tolerated. His efforts to keep the boy in peak physical condition only lasted until Eren started to fight back.

 

Only until the shock wore off.

 

Vermin was forced to give up his plans of exhibiting a wolf cub to his greedy clientele when said wolf would disobey him at every turn. An uncontrollable animal was very unattractive to many potential buyers, he had said, but Eren had no reason to listen.

 

He knows who the real beasts are.

 

Now Vermin is merely enduring the boy’s presence. All ideas to shut Eren up on full moon nights while still being able to exhibit him had long since been exhausted. Inflicting pain would only turn the howling into louder screams and animalistic wails, and the one muzzle that had been successfully fitted to Eren's face had lasted less than 20 minutes. After those first lousy attempts, Vermin had taken to keeping him underground at those times of the month, cursing all the while about the dumb creature he was stuck with.

 

He would replace him with a number of other animals. Rare monkeys were the most common, but once he had somehow gotten hold of a tiger cub. It hadn’t stayed very long, multiple buyers attracted by its beauty, even though it was starved and struggling to survive each night. But Eren had grown attached to it during the time they spent together in the gloomy room under the shop, and his heart ached every time he woke up because of its crying. It was far too young to be separated from its mother. When it was gone he was alone again, staring at the empty space where it used to be. Eren knows the four walls of that shop basement like the back of his hand.

 

His second prison.

 

For the past few months he has also been forcibly sedated, the dosage high enough to knock him out for at least twenty-four hours, since Vermin has been in a particularly unforgiving mood. Eren doesn’t like that, doesn’t like the way his senses are dulled and his limbs drag, and doesn’t like the horrid heavy feeling in his body that he can’t shake off.

 

He can’t hear the moon calling him when he’s unconscious, and that scares him.

 

The moon is supposed to be the one, definite constant in Eren's life, yet he hasn’t seen it for so long. When his mother was scolding him and he wanted to get away, when his father was gone from home on a trip, the moon would be there. Unlike the faces of his parents, he remembers what the moon looks like. It is hard to forget, and for that he’s glad. Large and round, pale against the night sky and with the power to both make his blood rush quicker in his veins and calm the mayhem in his mind.

 

He doesn’t know which he misses more: the soothing presence of the moon, just out of his reach, or the family that is gone forever, taken from him.

 

Eren sits up and forces himself to eat. The crunch of each bite seems overly loud within the four walls, and he tries to ignore the taste and the way bits are sticking to his molars. When he finishes it feels like his stomach is full of sand, so he tries to ignore that too.

 

One, two, three, four… sixteen bars in front. That’s right.

 

One, two, three, four… sixteen bars to the left. Perfectly vertical.

 

One, two, three, four… sixteen bars to the right.

 

One, two, three, fo—

 

The sight of a figure stepping under the yellow glow of the streetlamp outside interrupts him before he can finish. He sweeps his fringe out of his eyes so his vision isn’t blocked, tucking his hair behind his ear. From the silhouette, Eren can only tell that they are wearing a long trench coat and a hat pulled low to cover part of their face. He watches them assess the shop front before walking up to the entrance with seemingly renewed purpose.

 

The slam of the door hitting the wall was something Eren had anticipated after seeing the quick strides the person had taken from outside, but Vermin is caught unaware and jumps in his seat. Eren is on full alert now, ears forward, eyeing this brash stranger as they manoeuver around the everyday pet supplies and head straight for him.

 

The speed at which they move has Eren's adrenaline spiking in seconds. His eyes dart from their head to their feet, instantly cataloguing size and approximate weight and comparing it to his own. They aren’t much bigger than him. He knows that he is in his cage, protected and contained by his eighty iron bars on all sides, but if this came to a fight could he win? He could beat a human in a fight, he was sure he could, although he’d never had to before. That trench coat could be hiding any manner of weaponry though, and he does not want to be caught off-guard. Any smart human would want to avoid hand-to-hand combat with someone like Eren. His brain is racing through attack strategies. Until the fight began he would want to stay on the defensive, how many counter-moves did he know? Not many. His opponent may have the advantage.

 

Eren wishes for the second time that night that he was on four legs instead of two.

 

When the stranger reaches his cage, it is with a force that makes the whole frame rattle slightly. Eren is ashamed to feel himself flinch involuntarily at the action, tail bristling and ears pressing flat to his skull because of the loud clanging sound. He remains tensed, crouched on the floor, as they grip two of the bars in their hands and press their face between them.

 

The intense look in their eyes that Eren can see behind their oval-shaped glasses has him frozen in his position, all thoughts of fighting abruptly halted in his mind.

 

“So you’re the infamous werewolf, huh? Sorry to keep you waiting. But it looks like you can finally get out of here,” they say, soft voice at odds with their loud entrance and piercing gaze.

 

“Hey! Get back! No provoking the animals!”

 

The familiar, irritating voice from close behind lets Eren know that Vermin has left his spot behind the counter and is walking towards the bizarre scene happening in the middle of his shop. Eren watches warily as the stranger releases their tight hold on the cage and takes a single step back. The swinging movement of an untied lace on their combat boots catches his eye briefly, and Eren notices that the soles are muddy. They turn to Vermin, removing their hat and revealing brown hair tied messily in a ponytail, long fringe framing their face.

 

“And you must be Kitts Verman. You’ve hidden this little shop rather well in this maze of narrow streets and back alleys.”

 

Vermin eyes the newcomer critically before responding in his typical fashion.

 

“Who are you? How did you find this place? I’ve never seen you before, but you should know that I won’t hesitate to kick you out if you’re gonna try something funny.”

 

For a man who has been running a black market business for years, Kitts Verman is a real coward. His paranoia always takes over when someone unexpected walks into his shop. Eren has witnessed it time and time again. Although he is a foolish man, somehow the authorities have never come knocking on his door, not in all the time Eren had been kept here. No matter how much he hoped for it in the beginning, the rescue never came.

 

“My name is Hanji Zoe,” the stranger begins, seemingly fine with Vermin’s shaky threat. “A certain bald old man mentioned in passing that I would find something _very interesting_ if I came to this place on a Tuesday or Thursday night. Unfortunately I’ve been… _busy_ for the past few months and was unable to come sooner.” Hanji’s eyes kept cutting to Eren as they talked, and it looked like they were struggling to restrain themselves from doing something impulsive. Eren still hasn’t relaxed, giving them his full attention.

 

“Pixis told you? How do you know him? Why would he do that?” Vermin’s frown deepens. Hanji continues as if they’d not heard him speak.

 

“Using a pet shop as a cover for your… illicit activities seems quite obvious considering your trade involves exotic animals, don’t you think? Who is even buying elephant ivory and gorilla bones in this city? I wonder how you’ve managed to go this long without setting off any red flags, although I suppose this little place looks innocent enough. Must be luck, I guess.”

 

Hanji’s tone is light and they say everything with a smile, but Eren can tell that there is an almost menacing aura hidden underneath it all. A brief glance at Vermin shows that he must have been feeling it too. He can see his moustache twitch.

 

“What do you want?” Vermin snaps, jaw clenched. Hanji pushes their glasses up to rest on the top of their head.

 

“The werewolf.” Hanji cut to the chase, looking Vermin right in the eyes.

 

“I’d be glad to rid myself of this monster, but could you handle him? And more importantly, can you afford it?” Vermin has that greedy look in his eyes, as he always does when someone wants to buy his expensive, black market merchandise. On nights like these, Eren would immediately know if he made a profit judging by whether he could stand to be around the boy without complaining about it.

 

“I’m prepared for everything, of course,” is Hanji’s simple reply, smile still in place.

 

Eren clenches his fists. He hates this, being talked about as if he couldn’t understand everything they were saying. So many of Vermin’s clients had had the same confident attitude. Especially in the beginning. When they handed over the money in exchange for Eren he could tell that they were already thinking of the exact lines they would be using later to gloat to their various acquaintances about being the first to tame the wolf boy. They would look at him with smug smiles on day one, thinking that their riches and social status meant an easy victory over this wild creature that they now ‘owned’.

 

A few days in, they all realised that Eren wasn’t about to roll over for them whenever they asked. As if he would abandon his pride and bow down to humans like them. He may have been imprisoned, but he was far from broken. None of them mattered to Eren. He was thinking only of how long it would take for him to be free. The scum who wanted to parade him around among their collection of other lavish decorations were idiots.

 

_I am no trophy!_

 

Eren has ended up back with Vermin because those bastards figured that out early on. They brought him back, all thirty-two of them, fuming and demanding refunds that they never received.

 

Even the most stubborn pig gave in after two moons. In that time Eren had put down two of their men and given a third a warning that put him in the hospital. He had also suffered his worst injury.

 

After that, demand for the wolf boy dropped to almost nothing. Vermin was furious, his greatest source of income was suddenly nothing more than a drain on his resources. Eren felt defeated, his chances of escape dwindling to near zero.

 

But he didn’t give up hope. The whole time, no matter who was calling themselves his master, he didn’t stop looking for openings, gaps in security. He knows he can’t spend the rest of life like this, trapped inside walls.

 

Nothing more than a caged animal waiting for death.

 

Eren knows it is unlikely he will get another opportunity if he fails with this Hanji person. The last customer with an interest in him had come and gone four moons ago. Coming back to Vermin was something that he would absolutely not let happen this time. His attitude towards Eren has worsened over time, and it hadn’t been that great to begin with. That foul temper and inability to think about situations logically meant that Vermin could act rashly, deciding to execute him on a split-second judgement. He can already feel that Vermin is close to throwing away whatever morals he still has and killing Eren.

 

The thought that he could have done it before while Eren was drugged and unconscious makes his blood run cold.

 

Leaving this place willingly and going with Hanji Zoe is a necessary decision, but he won’t make any promises to behave once he’s out. There is less than half a year until he will be of age, and then he’ll be able to go anywhere he pleases.

 

He focuses back in on the conversation just in time to see Hanji hand over a thick, brown envelope to Vermin. Eren curses the fact that he let himself be distracted by his own thoughts when something so important was going on. His fate is basically being decided right in front of him, like sitting in a court trial. Hanji’s smile has grown even wider while Eren wasn’t paying attention.

 

Vermin looks happier than he’s ever seen him, in a sinister kind of way. He rushes back behind the counter, where his coffee sits untouched, and reaches for something underneath the register. He returns to Hanji’s side, a dog lead in hand. It is one Eren has seen many times, half sturdy chain and half thick, brown leather that matches the collar he wears around his neck.

 

The man walks to stand by the door to the cage and throws the metal end of the lead through the bars to Eren. It clatters at his feet.

 

“You know what to do,” is all that Vermin says. Eren sends him a hate-filled glare though his fringe and curls his upper lip slightly. Hanji watches the exchange with unusual interest, glasses back on the bridge of their nose.

 

Eren picks up the lead, one hand opening the clip at the end of the chain while the other reaches to the collar, brushing his shoulder-length hair aside to find the metal loop. As soon as it is fastened, Vermin gives it a harsh tug which makes Eren growl deep in his chest. Being forced to repeat this ridiculous routine every time is one of his greatest sources of anger. Vermin fears being bitten if he puts his hand to close to Eren, and rightly so.

 

Eren has done nothing to assuage this fear. There is no way he would bare his neck to this man, not in a million moons.

 

Vermin keeps pulling at the lead until Eren stands, pleased by the boy’s sudden obedience. He brings out a set of keys from his pocket, easily finding the large one that fits into the cage lock. The hinges creak as the door swings inwards, and Vermin swaps the lead from one hand to the other so that it no longer passes between the cage bars.

 

Hanji’s excitement is almost tangible, and the manic look in their eyes is back as Eren walks out of his prison, head held high. Vermin still isn’t being gentle with the leash, but Eren refuses to give him the satisfaction of reacting any more than he already has. His ears are still turned back to show how pissed off he is though, and Hanji is blatantly eyeing them.

 

He just wants to leave, and never see this awful man again.

 

Vermin hands control of the leash over to Hanji with a single nod of the head. The tension that Eren had been feeling around his neck is instantly gone, Hanji giving him more slack even though their grip on the leather is still firm. Eren has nothing to take with him, no material possessions other than the ragged clothes on his back, so he follows Hanji without complaint as they walk to the front door.

 

He only regrets that he must leave here with Vermin still alive. That man has never seen any punishment for his crimes, although he would often say that having Eren around made his life hell. If Eren truly was more trouble than he was worth, which is a lot considering what he is, he thinks that Vermin should’ve just let him go. It was the man’s own desire for wealth that kept Eren shackled to him. Eren is the one who had been taught the true meaning of suffering.

 

He hopes that Kitts Verman faces real justice one day, without mercy.

 

“Pleasure doing business with you,” Hanji says, opening the door.

 

Vermin doesn’t reply, too busy counting his money. Eren doesn’t look back.

 


	2. The Cabin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written and edited by myself so let me know if I've missed something

 

Hanji walks briskly, the bottom of their coat fanning out behind them as they go, and Eren's concentration is divided between assessing the streets that he’s never seen before for danger and trying not to trip over his own feet. The floor is uneven, and he has been unable to really stretch his legs like this whilst being captive. Pacing around his cage doesn’t count. He cringes as his bare feet stumble into a puddle.

 

The air is the freshest he’s breathed in ages, even squeezed between buildings as they are.

 

But it is cold, uncomfortably so, even to Eren. The thin fabric of his loose top and threadbare pants that barely cover his knees does nothing against the chill. He is sure that come morning that puddle he stepped in will already be ice. Winter is his favourite season, but Eren's never experienced it in a city.

 

He’s surprised at Hanji's lack of concern over him trying to run from them. He doesn’t understand if it’s misplaced trust, confidence, or stupidity. Sure, he was still tethered to them, but if their hand happened to slip even a little, Eren wouldn’t hesitate in sprinting in the opposite direction. There must be somewhere he could hide from them in these alleyways. Before, the people who purchased him had never let him simply walk behind them like this after leaving Vermin’s shop. If he wasn’t tossed bodily into a travelling crate, then he would at least be bound at the hands, blindfolded, and sometimes gagged for extra measure. Now, Eren even had the freedom to reach up and unclip the chain attached to his neck by himself.

 

He just needs to catch his balance first to be able to do that. Hanji doesn’t slow their steps even around the tight alley corners. They apologise once for choking him slightly when they made an abrupt left turn directly after a right. He pays closer attention to them after that, and questions whether the tone they’d used counted as sarcastic or not. Why else would they say sorry to him?

 

Hanji pulls him down alleyway after alleyway, and Eren briefly wonders if they’ve gotten lost. They’re covering a lot of distance in quite a short time. The only thing he knows is that they’re not walking in circles. They haven’t run into any other signs of life; all the shops they pass are shut due to the late hour. Eren is suspicious of every shadowy corner though. He hasn’t dropped his guard ever since first seeing Hanji under that streetlight.

 

He falters slightly when Hanji comes to a sudden stop. He hates how just this much walking has made him out of breath and slightly dizzy while Hanji remains unruffled. Discretely, he grits his teeth and makes an effort to remain steady and upright. They’ve emerged onto a narrow road where an unmarked black van is the only vehicle parked. Hanji walks over to it and opens the back doors. There are a few cardboard boxes inside but the van is otherwise empty.

 

“Time to go,” Hanji says cheerily, before nudging him into the vehicle. The touch is only light on his back but Eren loses his footing and practically falls into the van. He hisses in pain at the way his knee and shin had bashed against the unforgiving metal. Hanji carelessly tosses the leash in beside him and, before he can even think of turning around, the doors are closing on him again.

 

The total darkness robs him of his sight, but he strains his ears to listen to Hanji's footsteps outside and they swivel to follow the sound of them coming around the side of the vehicle and then opening the door to the driver’s seat. Moments later, the engine starts. Eren has to brace himself against the floor in order to not fall over at the sudden lurch of the van accelerating. He controls his breathing to try and get his heart rate back to normal, but can do nothing about the way his bones rattle every time the van goes over a bump in the road.

 

His stomach rolls a few times at the unfamiliar motion, but Eren is determined not to throw up. That unsatisfactory last meal at Vermin’s is still sitting heavily in his gut. He really does feel weak, not being able to move from his position on his hands and knees, tail between his legs. It may be the most stable position – Hanji seems to take corners the same way they did when they were walking – but it is degrading in a way he doesn’t want to think about. At least no one can see him. He is definitely not used to being in a moving vehicle. Previous memories aren’t exactly fond ones either.

 

His father had had a car but Eren only remembers riding in it once. That outing had brought him to Mikasa.

 

Another fast turn derails Eren's train of thought. So much for lowering his heart rate, he will end up being sick if this continues. He hears one of the boxes in front of him slide a little way across the floor, and is glad that the others must be full of heavier stuff since they don’t budge. They don’t smell strongly of anything so the contents remain a mystery.

 

Eren closes his eyes – he can’t see anything anyway – and tries to calm down. This journey is nothing but another challenge he must overcome. They seem to be heading in one direction now, minutes pass and Eren is still braced for turns that don’t come. He hopes the straight road lasts a little longer since he is becoming surer of his footing and his stomach is no longer doing flips.

 

In fact, the further they go, the better.

 

There are no bars to count in here, he should be happy about that. He _is_ happy about that. That place is being left far behind. He feels closer to freedom than he was a few hours ago. In his mind, he tries to come to terms with how fast things are changing. As long as he keeps a clear head, he could have everything he’s ever wanted very soon. That’s easier said than done though, since the rumble of the engine loud in his ears makes him feel like there are angry wasps in his skull.

 

He raises one hand to his head to rub at his temple but as he does, the van makes another turn and he lands heavily on his unsupported side. He’d grown complacent on that long, straight road that seemed to go on forever. The tyres are no longer rolling over smooth tarmac. Eren can hear the crunch of gravel and the _tap-tap-tap_ of rocks hitting the underside of the vehicle.

 

The suspension is being tested, now that the road has many dips and potholes. Eren scrambles to his knees again, ignoring the ache in his left hip and shoulder. Hanji still hasn’t slowed down at all, and he’s taking some of the impact directly in his kneecaps over the bumps.

 

They continue like this for another fifteen minutes at least, Eren guesses, but he’s become bad at judging time passing due to his imprisonment. He perks up when he feels the van start to slow to a stop. When the engine cuts out, he sighs in relief. The vibrations have left his limbs shaky but he hopes his headache will now begin to fade. He hears one door open and close, and then he is able to see again as the back doors swing open.

 

Hanji is grinning again, hat presumably left in the front of the van since it’s not on their head. They snatch up the end of the leash quickly and gesture for Eren to step out.

 

“We’re here! It looks like you had a rough ride, sorry about that.” There it is again. Hanji's easy apology that Eren can’t figure out is sincere or not because they don’t stop smiling. He stands slowly, stepping down onto damp earth. One of his ankles nearly give, but he catches himself just in time. He grimaces as he rotates both of his wrists, trying to fix the stiffness. They both click more than once. All of his joints are a little worse for wear.

 

But that’s all pushed to the back of his mind when he looks up to properly see where they are.

 

Nature.

 

A grassy field, beautiful and open, that soon becomes a forest of tall pines. The only break in the tree-line is the dirt road that they must have used to get here, but even that is quite well hidden between the tree trunks. He doesn’t know how far into the wilderness they have come, but he can’t see any city lights nor can he hear any cars. If he thought the air was fresh before, then it doesn’t even compare to what he’s breathing now. Every inhale is so clean, and every exhale feels like his lungs are being purged of everything impure he’s had to live through for so long. He instantly feels healthier than he has done in years. His eyes are brimming with tears but he doesn’t want to let them fall, he just wants to stand there and absorb the fresh life around him. He tilts his head back so he won’t cry.

 

But that action has the wetness running down his cheeks anyway, because there it is. The moon. He can see it. Real, and in the sky above him. And he weeps because it’s been so long, too long, and he’s had to endure so much that sometimes made him feel like he’d never see it again.

 

But there it is.

 

The last full moon had been a week ago so it’s just an almost semi-circle shape now, the left half illuminated, but it’s still the most beautiful thing he’s seen for ages. It hasn’t gone anywhere in the time he’s been locked away. There are no clouds to block his view, and for that he is thankful. The sight makes his heart swell in his chest. Gazing up at it lifts his mood until he feels weightless.

 

A light tug around his neck brings him halfway back down to earth. He turns slowly to see Hanji waiting for him, a cardboard box under their arm. Their smile is much softer now, although there’s still a curious gleam in their eyes as they watch him, scanning his face for something. Eren wipes the tears from his face with the backs of his hands. He had honestly forgotten they were there, quietly intruding on his moment, but right now he can’t find it inside himself to care.

 

The doors of the van are closed behind them. Eren must not have heard it. When Hanji walks around to the other side of the van, Eren simply follows. Their eyes are still on him but he’s more interested in the peace of his surroundings. He’d overlooked the stars before, enraptured with the moon as he was, but they too are beautiful. They shine so brightly, hundreds of them, dots of light against a black backdrop. There is very little noise. Even Eren, with his sensitive ears, can only hear the quiet rustling of the leaves as a breeze stirs the tree branches.

 

This feels good. He could get used to this.

 

Hanji is leading him towards a wooden cabin. There is one small light above the front door. It must be motion-activated because it turns on when Hanji sets foot on the porch. After patting down one side of their coat, they switch the box they’re holding to their other arm so they can find a set of keys in the other pocket. There are multiple on the ring they pull out, but Hanji wastes no time in finding the right one for the front door, unlocking it with a flick of their wrist.

 

They push the door inwards, glancing back to see Eren still captivated by the scenery. He can feel the light pressure they’re putting on the lead but is reluctant to move. They move indoors a few steps and the increased force around his neck makes Eren budge from his spot on the porch. He makes an unhappy noise in the doorway, and then the door is shutting and he is outside no longer.

 

The gears in his mind seem to be working very slowly. He is stunned by the sudden brightness when Hanji flicks a switch and the lights come on. He squints and waits for his eyes to adjust to the artificial light. The inside of the cabin is sparsely decorated, just one large room that serves as a living room with a small kitchen area in one corner. The main space is occupied by an old couch with a low coffee table in front of it and a small dining table, but there is still a lot of unused floor space. A bookshelf stands against the far wall. There are two doors on the right wall, one of them open and leading to what looks like a bedroom, the other closed. An empty fireplace is placed between them, with a pile of wood to the side of it. Nothing hangs on the walls.

 

 _It’s simple_ , Eren thinks, _reminds me of…_

 

No. He wasn’t going to think about that right now. Not when he still feels so light and airy.

 

He wants to go outside again. He’s seen that there’s nowhere to run, and Hanji could definitely catch him if he tried. His body couldn’t take him very far the way it is now. He just wants to be out there, no escape plan in his mind, and pretend that everything is okay for one night. Lie in the grass and just watch the world turn, staring at the face of the moon like he did as a child.

 

How is Hanji expecting to keep him in this tiny place?

 

Eren waits for them to make a move. Standing still is making him aware of all the aches in his body, although he’s relieved to notice his headache is basically gone. But Hanji stays where they are by the wall. Eren watches curiously as they press their hand against the wall to the side of the light switch. A small square section pops open, flawlessly hidden in the grain of the wood, to reveal an electronic panel. The numbers and little screen glow blue, the light reflecting in Hanji's glasses.

 

Hanji inputs a code swiftly, flipping the panel closed again once the screen flashes green and makes a short beeping sound. They turn to face the centre of the room expectantly, but nothing happens.

 

Then a second later, the wooden floorboards in the empty space on the floor sink downwards a couple of inches, and then slide to the side to reveal a staircase. It is silver metal and spirals into the ground. Eren had jumped back and pressed his back against the front door out of surprise but Hanji is striding towards the new addition to the cabin and is ushering him forwards.

 

_Secrets hidden in the walls and floors? Is this cabin just a front for something else? Just who is Hanji Zoe?_

 

With these thoughts in mind, Eren is definitely apprehensive about being the first to descend the stairs. But Hanji simply smiles at him and says, “Watch your step,” when he hesitates.

 

Nothing strange happens when his foot touches the first step, but Eren can’t help but go slowly. Hanji is right behind him so there’s no way for him to back out once he’s low enough that he’s on eye-level with the floor. He can see light shining up from the bottom, and that helps to reassure him that it’s not another dark basement he’s walking into at least.

 

The staircase is long, going down and down, until Eren finds himself in a short corridor. Everything is plain white. There are two switches on the wall by the bottom of the stairs. Hanji presses one and the light in the cabin above them goes out. They press the second one and the floorboards move again to slide back into place, hiding the staircase once more.

 

Eren is the only one who stops and cranes his neck to watch this happen, while Hanji is already walking off down the corridor. He catches up quickly before they can notice he’s lagging. When they open the door at the end, Eren can see that it is made of metal, not wood as he’d assumed, and is much thicker than he thinks is necessary. It swings open slowly due to its weight.

 

Eren is astounded by the room they walk into.

 

It’s huge and brightly illuminated, with a high ceiling, and the walls are white like in the hallway. The floor is pale grey tile, smooth and cool under the soles of Eren's feet. It’s another open-plan living space like the one upstairs, but on a bigger scale. The décor is far more modern and minimalist, in stark contrast to the rustic, homey style of the cabin. Coming through this door puts them in the left corner of the room, and immediately to the right is another door and a long dining table with six seats around it. The right corner is taken up by the kitchen. It is designed with sleek black countertops and white cupboards, and every appliance is gleaming chrome. It looks better equipped than the cabin kitchen but Eren supposes that that one is just for display anyway. In the middle of the wall across from them is the biggest television he’s ever seen. A white L-shaped sofa and a matching armchair are positioned in front of it. There are four doors along that wall, two to the right of the TV and two to the left. The one in the left corner is the only one that is open, a tall pile of books being used to prop the door open. From what Eren can see, there are also several piles of books on the floor inside the room too, and dozens of loose papers are spilling out of the doorway.

 

The strangest thing about the room is that one section of the left-hand wall is entirely glass, from the floor to about three metres up. Eren can’t figure out why someone would install such a large window into an underground room. What purpose would it serve?

 

Hanji walks towards the glass wall, specifically towards the door just to the left of it, and Eren is able to answer one of his questions. There is a room on the other side. A single bed is pushed up against the far wall. The ring of keys makes another appearance as Hanji unlocks the door – _Why is it locked?_ – and pushes it open. It’s another heavy metal one. As he’s lead inside he also notices that the glass is thicker than he first thought too. Certainly not just for show then. The ceiling is a normal height in here, so one wall really is completely open to the main room.

 

Hanji backs out silently, having put down the box they’ve been carrying on top of a small dresser by the back wall. When they close and lock the door behind them, the purpose of this room becomes clear.

 

Eren has a new prison. Bigger than his last, and with more comforts, but a prison nonetheless.

 

The last bit of haziness in his mind is gone, the calm feeling from before replaced by dread. He’s once again going to be left underground to rot, all because of humans and their greed. For help to come to this place would be a miracle. Escape was a wish that Eren had never been granted, and now it seemed far more impossible than when he was with Vermin. But hopelessness is an emotion that doesn’t suit Eren, so he settles on feeling something else, something more familiar.

 

Rage.

 

It bubbles up inside him very quickly, making his hands clench so hard that they shake by his sides.

 

_Why me?_

He reaches up to his neck and grips the collar there, twisting it roughly until he can feel the buckle where the leash is still fastened. This is what he can take his hatred out on. A symbol of his oppression. An object meant to make him submit. As if he could just accept that.

 

_Don’t fuck with me, you bastards!_

 

He removes it without care, tugging on the leather harshly even after the metal part is loose from the hole. When he tears it from around his neck he barely even registers the pain of the friction it causes. He holds it in his fists for a moment, feeling its weight. Just looking at it makes his temper flare even hotter to the point where his vision blurs, although that might also be due to the tears that are pricking the back of his eyes because of this burst of emotion. He holds them back successfully this time.

 

There’s only one thing Eren should be wearing around his neck, and that’s the key his father had given him only a short while before their separation. The only possession he has left. He can feel it resting against his sternum, safe and familiar.

 

He haphazardly rolls both the collar and leash into a ball and then throws them at the opposite wall with as much strength as can. The loud _bang_ it makes on impact is satisfying to hear, but as Eren stares at where it hit, chest heaving with every breath, he sees that it failed to even make a scratch.

 

Eren screams out of frustration. He wants to destroy something. His throat hurts and his shoulder hurts and his head hurts all over again, and when he turns on his heel to slam the side of his fist into the nearest wall, pain also shoots up his arm. But Eren keeps going, because what else his he supposed to do? The wall is an easy target for his punches and kicks, although he does have the presence of mind to be careful not to break his knuckles or his toes. The only marks he leaves are dirty streaks from the soles of his feet.

 

_Filthy. Unclean._

 

Somehow that makes him feel worse. It was like seeing the way in which the humans had contaminated him, deeper than just the surface of his skin. Because he had never felt this way before them. No one should ever feel like this. He had had his happiness stripped away from him when he was twelve years old, and his whole life was ripped apart.

 

_They ruined everything!_

 

It’s enough to get him to stop his attacks and collapse onto the floor. He feels a sob wrack his body and stick in his throat, and presses the heels of his palms into his eyes because he’s _not going to cry goddamnit!_ Lights are dancing behind his eyelids but Eren keeps pressing harder, as if he can push the tears back inside his body by force.

 

_Please…_

 

His breathing is ragged. He feels the worst he’s ever felt without it being directly linked to a beating.

 

_Please, make it stop._

 

The fight leaves him all at once, and although the uncomfortable weight around his neck is gone, his body feels like lead. Eren knows what being sedated feels like, so he’s mildly concerned when he feels the same symptoms now without an injection. Sitting upright is suddenly too much effort. He slumps to the floor, curling up on his side and removing the pressure on his eyes but keeping his hands over his face. His breaths are still shuddering on each inhale, but they seem to be evening out somewhat.

 

_It hurts…_

 

And then, darkness.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eren is my favourite, so of course he has to go through all these emotions, even the bad ones. Levi will have to wait for the next chapter.  
> I don't like writing dialogue that much but I can't avoid it forever orz


	3. The Humans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and comments! The next chapter might take a little longer to put up but it's basically already written, I just want to edit at least twice

 

Eren doesn’t like new places. The anxiety only goes away once the scents and surroundings are truly familiar, and he’d never stayed in one place long enough for that to happen, not counting that godforsaken shop. This room he’s in now doesn’t smell strongly of anything, and Eren is grateful for the little things.

 

He remembers how two of the places he had previously been taken to had used an excessive amount of bleach to clean his cage, and the inside of his nose would be on fire from the overpowering smell. One of them didn’t want to risk taking Eren out of the cage first, and definitely didn’t have any volunteers offering to go in with him to get the job done, so they would just pour it over the floor where he slept, undiluted. Eren doesn’t even want to think about how severe the chemical burns would have been had he not immediately poured his bowl of drinking water over the area to clean it. He chose to go thirsty for days, using the small daily refill of clean water like that until he was close to his limit of dehydration and the wounds were soothed. The image of his skin, cracked, red, and dry, flashes behind his eyelids just as he stirs into vague awareness.

 

He feels empty, like his body has been drained of all its energy. He opens his eyes to only see a white wall in front of him. His eyelids don’t even open all the way. He touches them lightly with his fingertips and finds them puffy, swollen from crying.

 

He doesn’t think that he can count that time of being unconscious as sleeping. It really was more like a black out, his brain shutting down instead of wilfully dealing with the emotional overload any longer. He definitely isn’t rested. He has no way of knowing how long he was out for. That and the fact that he’s struggling to function does not bode well for today.

 

At least he remembers where he is.

 

Eren lies still for a few minutes, cataloguing all the aches in his body and finding them numerous, but can do nothing to relieve the pain. More than painkillers, he thinks, he needs a magic potion. And maybe a fairy godmother to go with it, just like in the fairy tales that used to be read to him by—

 

He curls himself up tighter as a new, sharper pain lances through his chest. Those kinds of thoughts are unwelcome, even after all this time. He feels like he could cry again, in this weak state, but his eyes remain dry. He’d cried so much yesterday that perhaps they all ran out. But then he yawns once, wide and long, and his eyes water like normal, so perhaps not. With the yawn comes the urge to stretch so he does, even though most of his muscles protest the movement at first.

 

Eren rolls over onto his other side, feeling the prickling sensation of his blood rushing back into the spots that were just holding his weight. He’s now facing the main room and through his watery eyes he sees Hanji standing by the glass.

 

He does nothing and lets his consciousness drift away again, this time into proper sleep.

 

+++++

 

The next time Eren opens his eyes, he’s disorientated and stiff all over. Panic creeps in before he’s fully conscious and he bolts upright from where he’d been curled on the floor. His head swims and his vision goes spotty the moment he does. He catches himself on his hands quickly enough for his head to not collide with the ground as he keels sideways, and stays there until the light-headedness passes. It takes longer than he thinks it should. He doesn’t know whether his spike in adrenaline helps with this sort of thing or not.

 

Raising himself slowly this time, Eren's eyes dart around the room, and he once again knows where he is. There are no bars to count. The only thing his sight is drawn to is Hanji, sitting just on the other side of that transparent wall. They are watching him intently. Eren locks them in a staring match defiantly. Hanji breaks the eye contact first after a long while, although it’s only to focus on what they’re scribbling in a notebook resting in their lap.

 

Eren feels marginally better. Some of the tension leaves his shoulders. Hanji looks up briefly, then continues writing more fervently than before.

 

He does another quick mental body check while his eyes stay fixed on them. The same aches are still there, some made worse from spending so long on a hard floor but Eren is used to that. He feels tired but not sleepy. That extra rest really was needed. All the lights are still on, so he still has no way of knowing how long he was asleep for, but Eren is used to that too.

 

Living in a basement for months on end really messes with one’s perception of time.

 

Eren cautiously stretches his whole body, wincing but trying to find some relief from the pain he’s in. His muscles do feel slightly better but his joints will obviously take some more time; many of them click the when he moves, especially his vertebrae. He wonders how bad it’s going to be when he tries to stand up.

 

Hanji has swapped their notebook for a camera that had been placed beside them, and Eren watches as they snap a few quick photos of him before going back to writing. He is surprised to realise that he can hear the click of the shutter even though there is thick glass between them, although the sound doesn’t come from the direction he’s expecting. It sounded like it came from above him, and Eren scans the surface until he sees a small speaker near the corner of the ceiling. Something else is centred above the window but Eren doesn’t know what it is.

 

“Good morning, sunshine!”

 

Eren frowns and tilts his head to the right slightly as Hanji's voice sounds clearly in the room. It’s annoyingly disconcerting how he’s looking straight at Hanji's lips moving in front of him but their voice comes from higher up and to the left. Eren immediately decides that he doesn’t like it, his triangular ears twitching. It makes his sense of hearing feel unreliable. Hanji giggles at his facial expression, and the disembodied laughter from above only makes him frown harder.

 

“You’ve been asleep for nearly five hours, you know. I’ve been waiting for you to wake up. Actually, this is good, you’re up before a certain someone so I get to have you all to myself!”

 

 _Five hours?_ Hanji's energy doesn’t seem to have dropped since their first meeting. Eren wonders who this other person they’re talking about could be, and why they think being alone with him is so great when he’s certainly not going to talk to them. He also wants to know whether this means that they’ve been sitting there the whole time, watching and possibly taking pictures of him while he was sleeping. He knows that they saw his outburst before, yet they’re behaving no differently.

 

Eren would like to stay sitting where he is, pressed up against the wall opposite the window, but his butt and legs are slowly going numb and the plush rug placed in the middle of the room is looking very appealing. The bed over in the corner would be better, he knows, but he refuses to use it and look like he’s already settling in to this new place, his pride won’t allow it. Plus, that wretched collar is on the floor at the foot of it and he still feels angry. The sight of it offends him.

 

When he crawls forward to the rug and places his hands on it he can feel just how soft it is. Eren is surprised at the quality; his fingers sink into the material. After feeling nothing but metal floors for years, this is heavenly. Not wanting to soil it with mud, he keeps his dirty feet off the cream carpet as he arranges himself to sit facing the window.

 

Hanji seems to have taken his change in position as an invitation to talk to him more. This is another reason why Eren wanted to keep his distance, but the difference in his comfort now saves him from feeling too much regret. If he’d have been calm enough to sleep on this rug instead of on the tile, he bets that he would be feeling a hell of a lot less achy right now.

 

“So how did you sleep? How are you feeling? Do you recognise me from yesterday? You do, right? You can call me Hanji. Just to get it out of the way, I am neither a man nor a woman, just a friendly human being, and I’d be grateful if you could use ‘they-them’ pronouns for me… you know, when you decide to talk. What’s your name?” The questions were asked so rapidly that Eren doubts he could’ve answered even if he wanted to, so he just sits and looks at them blankly. Or, at least, he tries for a blank expression but the speaker thing is still throwing him so there’s a crease between his eyebrows. The happiness from the softness underneath him balances out the irritation slightly. He can’t stop brushing the fingertips of one hand over it.

 

Apparently there’s no stopping Hanji once they’re fixated on something because they are barely stopping to breathe as they talk at him. They take another few pictures of him without stopping the constant stream of speech. Eren wants to be left alone. He wants to familiarise himself with his new cage, to know every corner of it so that this unsettling feeling can go away. He should just do it now, regardless of whether Hanji is there or not, but the way they look at him sometimes is disturbing and he predicts that they would follow him with those keen eyes the whole way around the room. It makes his skin itch.

 

Seemingly side-tracked from their original questions, Hanji is now talking to themselves about something that Eren can’t even understand since they’re using long, difficult-sounding words. None of the others had ever talked like that, they were all simple-minded and predictable. Hanji flicks back a couple of pages in their notebook, muttering under their breath. Being hunched over makes their glasses slip down their nose slightly and they absent-mindedly push them back up as they stand. Eren watches them walk into the room he’d seen inside briefly before, stepping over the papers still littering the doorway and going out of sight. They come back out balancing several books in one arm and still talking, pausing to pick up a few of the papers on the floor to before reseating themselves as they had been before. A mess spreads out in front of them as they drop everything they’re carrying. Eren hears each individual rustle of the papers and fights down his unwanted curiosity under a thick layer of _I don’t care_.

 

Hanji is leafing through two of the thickest books simultaneously and at a ridiculous speed. They find what they’re looking for in one and use a nearby piece of paper to hold the place as they focus on the other book. Eren can see that the text is tiny, only broken up by the occasional diagram or two each page.

 

Books will always make him think of… of his best friend. And this particular kind also reminds him of his father. Eren's heart aches at the thought of both of them. He digs his fingers into the rug.

 

Alterations appear to be being made to Hanji's previous notes; they hastily cross some words out while circling others, and on one page the entire margin is full of extra annotations. _And I haven’t even said anything yet_. Eren assumes that Hanji is relatively smart judging from those books, but their organisation skills obviously aren’t on the same level. _Then how is this place kept so clean?_

 

Eren shifts his weight slightly. Behind him, his tail now curves to the left instead of to the right.

 

“Can you read? Can you _talk_? You can understand me, right? I’d absolutely _love_ for you to tell me some things!”

 

 _Great, the questions have started again_. The silence only lasts as long as Hanji's distraction, and they’re back to observing him with single-minded focus. Yes, he can read (admittedly not the advanced ones that Hanji is able to skim through), but he hasn’t had the chance for years.

 

Simple things like that are a stupid thing to miss but Eren can’t help it. Tiny freedoms make big differences, he has learned.

 

Eren doesn’t know how much time passes like this but Hanji doesn’t seem to run out of things to ask or scribble down. He treats everything they say as a rhetorical question. The only conscious movement he makes is to continue stroking the soft, soft rug, memorising its texture against the pads of his fingers. He stops himself from jiggling his leg in annoyance by pure willpower. But his eyes are still sharp and his ears are held high and alert.

 

It is just as Hanji is squealing in delight at their own musings that something happens. Or rather, some _one_ happens. Eren is glad he has remained aware throughout this one-sided conversation, because he is the first to notice one of the doors opening and a person stepping into the main room.

 

“Hanji.” The new voice is low and harsh, and Eren can hear it clearly even though they are still quite a distance from the glass. Hanji has frozen in place, pen poised just above paper, and it is hard to tell whether the widening of their eyes is showing fear or excitement. “Could you at least be quieter when you’re talking to yourself? Or better yet, why don’t you just shut up altogether. Honestly, being down here with you is just—”

 

The moment the newcomer sees him feels like time itself has stopped, if only for a split second. The look in the man’s eyes makes Eren tense for a fight, especially when those eyes narrow and he marches past the sofa.

 

He swiftly moves into a crouch. The prickling sensation in his calves that travels all the way to his toes is thoroughly ignored. So is the clicking of his left ankle.

 

But Eren is surprised when it turns out that he is not, in fact, the target of that glare. The man stops at Hanji's side and reaches down to grab the top of Hanji's head with one hand and forcibly twists it at an angle to lock eyes with them. Now that he’s closer, Eren can confirm what he had noticed before.

 

The guy is short. Clearly shorter than average height by many inches. He hardly has to bend to reach Hanji where they sit cross-legged on the floor. He looks young but his defined jaw and angled features show him to be an adult, as do the muscles Eren can see flexing under the long-sleeved shirt he wears. And those eyes certainly aren’t those of a child.

 

Eren would be hesitant to fight this human, although it would be the only suitable response if he was provoked. He acknowledges the compact strength that this man carries. But Eren never has been one to fight with words and his captivity hasn’t changed that.

 

“Oi, what is that thing doing here _now_ , Hanji?” His tone is menacing although he doesn’t shout. He leans in closer to Hanji's face and the fringe of his black hair, which is long on the top of his head and cut very short on the bottom, falls just over his eyes. “I know I’ve been saying it all this time but are you actually insane?”

 

“Ah, Levi. There you are. Happy birthday, by the way,” Hanji says cheerily. Eren has noticed that they are good at evading questions they don’t want to answer by simply pretending they didn’t hear them. And wishing someone a happy birthday is an unusual way to change the subject. They don’t look the least bit uncomfortable as the man, named Levi apparently, tightens his grip on their hair.

 

“Yeah, Merry fucking Christmas to me, you idiot. We weren’t supposed to go out for at least another week. Mind explaining why you’ve completely ignored the plan that I’ve been fucking fine-tuning for the past few hours?”

 

When he’s done talking, he lets go of their hair and stands waiting for their reply. Eren thinks that Hanji has done well not to flinch even once considering he can practically feel the threatening aura that this Levi person is giving off from metres away. But their casual reaction to this whole thing is obviously just pissing the man off even more.

 

“But we’re ready _now_ , Levi! Plus I fixed the microphones a couple of hours ago so we can talk to each other. Mike really should have double-checked that both sides were working correctly before he left, I mean I didn’t think it was so hard and—”

 

“I don’t give a fuck about the mics,” Levi interrupts, finally raising his voice a little. The deeper his frown got, the more Eren had to fight the instinct to tuck his tail and avert his eyes. “You went out _alone_ to do the job that Erwin specifically assigned to the both of us. In fact, you snuck out, knowing that we only have one vehicle at the moment and I wouldn’t be able to go after you. You should understand the risks of what you did. It could’ve blown our whole operation, three years of work.”

 

“But just look, Levi! We have one! Finally!” Hanji is gesturing towards the glass wildly, their energy only increasing despite the daggers that Levi is currently shooting at them with his eyes. “A live, healthy werewolf!”

 

“This one may be older and in better shape than the others we’ve found but anyone can tell it’s too skinny to be called healthy,” is Levi's unimpressed response. “You put yourself in unnecessary danger, four-eyes.”

 

“So you _do_ worry about me!”

 

Levi's anger seems to be fading, although his eye twitches at Hanji's last comment. But Eren is too paralysed with shock to see it.

 

 _Others? What others? What does he mean by that?_ Eren's head is reeling at this information. He doesn’t know how to feel at the implications of what the two humans were saying. _I_ _thought that… that I was…_

 

“I’m surprised you managed to drive back here in one piece. And our deal was that none of your shit leaves your study, so why is your mess spilling all the way out here?” He is eyeing the books and trails of paper on the floor with distaste. In the back of his mind, Eren realises that Levi must be the one who has been keeping the place tidy.

 

“Come on, Levi, it’s not even that bad. Seriously, I promise I’ll clear it all up… later.”

 

Eren is having trouble refocusing on the conversation. It is still irritating him that both voices are coming out of the speaker from the wrong direction but right now he has more important things to worry about. Was he not the only one who was kidnapped? Had someone else been torn away from their loved ones but kept alive? It is true that he and his family had managed to evade the humans for a short while, but that wasn’t without difficulty. And based on what he had seen that day, the number of survivors would be…

 

Almost zero. Those monsters had shown them no mercy. Anyone who managed to escape would not have done so without some sort of trauma, not after witnessing such horror. Eren fights down the rising nausea as best he can but he can’t stop the cold sweat that has appeared on his forehead, making his hair cling to his skin. These sudden flashbacks are not good for his health.

 

His fingers clench into fists before he moves one hand behind him so that he can go back to stroking the rug in an effort to calm himself down. It doesn’t have as immediate an effect as he wanted but he can’t be losing himself already.

 

“So I’m assuming you’ve reported to Erwin by now.”

 

Levi's voice comes through the speakers once more, and Eren forces his mind to pay attention. Even if it makes him feel physically ill, he has to try and remember any useful information they let slip during this conversation. Hanji's sheepish grin is enough of an answer.

 

“I haven’t had time, y’know. My new specimen needs _constant_ monitoring.” At this they look back to Eren with wide eyes, and when they see him crouched and tense they fumble to start writing again. Their attention is on the notebook as they continue talking. “These first moments are the most crucial. Erwin will understand. And besides, he doesn’t think the retrieval is for another week, you said it yourself. D’you want to see what I’ve got already?” Hanji's eagerness makes Levi grimace.

 

“You’re so irresponsible I don’t even know how you’ve made it this far, but there’s no way I’m going to report for you so just get it done, four-eyes,” Levi says. His monotone voice is easier to listen to than Hanji's animated chatter, Eren thinks, but it’s harder to look him in the eye when he turns to watch him in his cage. His stare makes his tail bristle. Glaring is the only thing Eren can do to challenge the humans while kept in here, but Levi makes it hard to do even that. _Fuck him._ He tries to keep it up but he can feel his ears lowering at Levi's successful intimidation.

 

He flicks his eyes to Hanji and glares at them instead. Levi clicks his tongue and crosses his arms, shifting his weight to his right leg.

 

“Aww, Levi, just look at him!” Hanji actually makes it easy to glare at them. But their constant scribbling means that they’re not interested in holding the eye contact for very long, even if they seem reluctant to look away.

 

“Him? He could be a she with that long hair. The face is too filthy to tell.” Levi's tone remains indifferent, and Eren is insulted by that last sentence but knows he can’t argue about how dirty he is.

 

“Well, I already asked for a name and got no answer.” Hanji frowns like that was the worst part of their day. “Maybe I could name him! Is Lupin too obvious? Ah! That reminds me, what do you think the binomial name for werewolves would be? Because it can’t be _Canis lupus_ , but would it be closer to _Homo sapiens_ like us or not? They’re still mammals but what order could they be? I _really_ want to classify them, Levi! A new species like this has such scientific value. I have so much research to do! Maybe I’ll name him Lycaon, after the king who was turned into wolf by Zeus. And I do so love the story of Peter Stumpp, the so-called ‘Werewolf of Bedburg’, who was accused of being a serial killer and a cannibal, but I must admit it isn’t very fitting in this case. What other tales do I remember? Oh! How about—”

 

“Stop it!” Eren shouts, thankful his voice doesn’t crack despite not being used very often for so long. Levi's gaze had drifted to elsewhere in the room during Hanji's long talk but now Eren has his full attention. That never-ending speech of theirs was too much to sit through quietly. It was sickening to hear in a different way than what had been said before. Being talked about like he isn’t already his own person. Like locking him up gave anyone the right to erase who he is. Like he’s not allowed to be the person he has been since the day he was born. Like he _belonged_ to them.

 

A few words and chains cannot take away his freedom completely, and he would show the two of them that, right here, right now. He knows who he is.

 

_Is this a bad idea? Will I get out sooner if I surrender to them?_

 

Hanji looks appropriately startled at his outburst, mouth hanging open, but Levi has only raised one thin eyebrow. The look in his eyes has changed, although it is still unreadable, and it urges Eren to continue.

 

 _No. I have to do this. I haven’t given in… I won’t_ ever _give in._

 

He rises out of his crouch to stand tall, head and tail held high. With Hanji still sitting on the floor, he looks down on both of them, and he likes it this way. He puffs out his chest, partially to look bigger and partially to take a deep breath so his voice will be steady once he starts talking. The comforting weight of his key pressed against his skin keeps him grounded, so he lets his anger fuel him.

 

_I know who I am!_

 

“My name is Eren, child of Grisha and Kalura of the Jaeger clan, born in Shiganshina village,” he pauses to look both humans in the eye even though he knows they’re listening intently, his frown harsh and unforgiving, “and I bow to _no one_.”

 

There is silence for what feels like an endless amount of time. Eren expects Hanji to be the one to break it but they are speechless, for once. So he is more than surprised when it’s Levi who uncrosses his arms and speaks first.

 

“Not bad,” he says, a hint of _something_ in his tone, and Eren thinks that he sees approval flash in his heavy-lidded eyes. He doesn’t know why that makes him feel so good.

 

“But you’re still filthy and need to go and wash yourself immediately.” Those words ruin that feeling quickly, and Eren is the one left stunned even though he thought he’d be able to have the last word. “Hanji, you tracked in mud on your boots, _again_. Clean it up.”

 

And with that he turns and walks away, effectively ending the conversation. Eren stares after him until he turns left into a room and closes the door.

 

_What just happened?_

 


	4. The Bath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I had lost the entire middle of this chapter when I opened it up today and nearly had a heart attack. All my words and editing!! Turns out my laptop was just playing tricks on me, thank god
> 
> Trigger warning for a panic attack, I've updated the tags too
> 
> This chapter is like 99% Eren and I'm not sorry :3

 

“Eren Jaeger, huh,” Hanji says quietly after a long moment of thoughtfulness. Eren is glad they didn’t say something stupid like _“So you can talk after all”_ and are taking him seriously. “You know how to make quite the impression when you want to. It’s nice to meet you,” they say with a soft smile. He huffs a short breath of air out of his nose but says nothing. He’s said all that he wants to for now.

 

“Don’t mind Levi, he’s always grumpy about something. But if you really do want to go freshen up then the bathroom is through the door behind you. Everything you should need is inside. That box I left on the dresser is full of clothes for you, too.” Eren drags his eyes away from them to look over his shoulder at the object in question. He looks back with suspicion in his eyes, but they just nod slowly at him as if to say “ _go on”_. He stands there for another minute, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

 

_My own bathroom?_

 

The promise of a place to finally get clean is too wonderful to pass up, although he doesn’t want to look like he’s following orders from either of them. But he can also use it as a chance to check out the room and bathroom without Hanji wondering what he’s doing. It’s not like he wants to just stand there either. So he slowly turns around and walks over to the back wall. He takes a subtle sniff of the outside of the cardboard box before tentatively opening it. It’s full of different coloured fabric. He reaches in a takes out a few items to see that they really are just ordinary clothes, like Hanji had said. They smell clean too, and that reminds Eren of how awful he himself must smell, although he’s long since become accustomed to it.

 

He takes the opportunity to open the drawers of the dresser to inspect them too. They’re all empty, completely bare. Eren picks up the box and glances back at the window. Hanji has moved over to the sofa and is reading one of their many books. The rest have been left on the floor. They look at him briefly out of the corner of their eye, but quickly go back to reading once they see they’ve been caught.

 

Eren walks over to the door Hanji had pointed out before and turns the handle, carefully balancing the box in one arm. He pushes it open slowly and peers in only to find it dark inside. He looks around in confusion to find that there’s a switch on the wall to his left, and the lights come on as soon as he flicks it.

 

The bathroom is white with blue accents, and the floor is the same pale grey tile as everywhere else in this place. There’s a separate bath and shower, a sink with an oval mirror above it and a cupboard below, a toilet, and a closet and hamper just inside the door. All the bath mats are deep blue. It’s very ordinary, but Eren is extremely appreciative of how clean everything is. Back in that basement, the disgustingly grimy toilet didn’t even have a seat and the sink had a thick layer of scum that must have been there for longer than Eren has been alive. Here, the white porcelain gleams in the light. Eren doesn’t want to touch anything for fear of ruining the perfect appearance of the room.

 

It is a sacred place.

 

He closes the door behind him and puts the box down where he stands. It’s unbelievable. Not only does he have a beautiful new bathroom, but it’s also completely private. No giant window, and no cameras to watch him; Eren steps forward to check all corners of the ceiling and can only find small vents. He’s almost at a loss of what to do but sees no need to rush. He decides to search the closet close to him and finds that it is stocked with multiple fluffy, white towels and small, blue hand cloths. The bottom shelf is full of toilet roll, efficiently stacked on top of each other.

 

Next, he investigates under the sink and sees a large array of toiletries, all arranged with their labels facing outwards. Eren pulls some out at random and notices that many of them are different brands of the same thing; shampoos, toothpastes, and scented soaps of every colour. Various other supplies sit on the shelves further back, boxes and packets of things he doesn’t even know if he will ever need to use. _They really have thought of everything._

 

Eren tests the taps and clean, clear water flows from both. Water from the hot tap turns pleasantly warm in just a few seconds. Watching them makes Eren thirsty, so he cups some cold water in his palms, but as he brings them up to his face he can see that the water has gone murky. He pours it back into the sink and reaches down for a bar of soap. He takes it out of the packet, throwing that in the bin off to the side, and runs it under the hot water before lathering up his hands.

 

The white suds quickly go brown, so he rinses and repeats three times. Even then, some dirt still remains in the grooves of his fingers and under his nails, but it’s good enough to finally have that drink he’s been waiting for. His throat feels much better after a few handfuls and he turns both taps off again. Being able to feel how much cleaner his hands are makes the need to wash his whole body much greater.

 

The shower is much fancier than one Eren has ever used before, with a sliding glass door and large, round showerhead. Showering would be best, he thinks, to let the dirt drain away, but looking at the knobs makes him nervous as to which one to turn first. He leans his head in closer to read the tiny markings on them. The left turns it on while the right is for temperature, although he doesn’t know which way makes it hotter and which will make it colder. Still half leaning in, Eren grabs the left knob and twists.

 

Bad idea.

 

Cold water comes spraying out of the showerhead much faster than he thought it would, drenching his head instantly. He sputters, gasping for air. The pressure and speed of the water make him panic and it’s going too fast and he can’t stop it and _I’m going to drown please turn off the hose it hurts why are you doing this IT HURTS PLEASE STOP I CAN’T BREATHE I CAN’T—_

 

Eren tries to scream, bringing his hands up to shield his face, but chokes on water and ends up in a coughing fit that batters his lungs. He scrambles away from the jet of water from above, running over to the furthest corner of the room and to sit and curl up, arms wrapped tight around his shins and head presses into his knees. His tail is tucked so far between his legs that he can feel fur against his face. He starts coughing again, gulping in air in between spasms but oxygen doesn’t seem to be making it into his body. He is shaking all over.

 

There’s cruel laughter in his ears. Taunting voices are surrounding him as he writhes in pain in his cage. He is blind and water fills his mouth when he opens it. A thousand tiny bullets are being fired at his body all at once. Agonising pain.

 

Nowhere is safe. He can’t escape. They aim for him when he moves.

 

_Stop laughing! There’s nothing funny about this! Can’t you see I’m dying? Why are you laughing?!_

 

Goosebumps have risen all over his skin. He squeezes his eyes shut and rubs his arms.

 

He counts. At seven he starts coughing again. He starts back at one when it’s over, having already forgotten what number he was on.

 

When he counts sixteen, he can’t help but picture iron bars in his mind, shockingly clear.

 

At twenty-five he coughs loudly four times and his throat feels like sandpaper, but he continues as if there was no interruption.

 

At thirty-eight tears roll down his face.

 

At one hundred and thirty-one the ghostly jeering gets quieter, and then stops altogether when he gets to one hundred and forty-four.

 

At one hundred and eighty, he takes one long, shuddering inhale, holds it for five counts, and then lets it out. The shaking stops. He does it again. He doesn’t know when he started rocking but he stills after the third exhale.

 

At two hundred, he’s breathing normally again. His heart is slowing down but he can still feel each distinct beat against the inside of his ribs.

 

He opens his eyes.

 

There’s a wet patch on his knees. Drops of water fall from the ends of his hair and his top is clinging to his shoulders. He loosens his hold on his legs so that he can take it off, and leaves it in a puddle beside him. His key bounces against his chest after being caught in the hem of the top. The shower is still going, the sound of rushing water loud in his ears. _But it’s okay. I’m on the other side of the room_.

 

_You can breathe. You’re not dying. You can breathe. They can’t hurt you._

 

Eren repeats this to himself. He hadn’t expected that to happen, whatever it was. _What kind of weakling is afraid of showers? Pathetic._ He wipes away the tear-tracks on his face angrily. _A little bit of water and I lost it. Pathetic!_ But he can’t deny that the thought of standing under that spray makes him want to hyperventilate all over again.

 

But he has to turn it off. He did this to himself. It’s been running for ages already. Once the shower is turned off, this little episode of his will end and he can forget all about it. _It’s easy, just get up, walk over, and turn the knob. Anyone can do it._

 

He follows his own advice and stands up steadily. But for every step towards the shower he wants to take another two steps back. Getting to the point where he’s standing in front of the glass door is a struggle between his mind and body. He bridges the divide between them with sheer willpower, forcibly making his limbs cooperate. His hand trembles as he reaches into the glass box. Closing his eyes only makes things worse; the sound heightens until Eren imagines himself standing beside a great waterfall. So he forces himself to keep one open as he extends his hand forward, extremely cautious not to let any water touch him lest it set him off again. It feels like the proximity might be enough to do it, regardless.

 

What would his family think if they saw him now? The sole survivor, crippled by trauma, unable to complete a simple everyday task that he hadn’t even had to think about three years ago.

 

He’s so disappointed in himself. It makes him want to vomit.

 

It feels like reaching into the mouth of a giant predator and hoping it won’t decide to bite. Except this is all in Eren's head, and he knows it but that doesn’t make it any easier. He feels like he could lose his left arm while it’s outstretched. Each breath is short but controlled, in through the mouth and out through the nose.

 

_Fight it! Just a little bit further…_

 

It’s hard to stay completely dry since the spray is so wide but Eren manages to grasp the knob with quivering fingertips and turn it the right way gradually, until the water pressure lowers, and then all at once. The soaring relief he feels makes him both sad and happy. A pleased whimper leaves his mouth, and it depresses him further. He slams the sliding door shut, and somehow it makes him feel better.

 

Faint tremors are still running through his body. A bath could definitely improve his mood, as long as it didn’t end up triggering him all over again. He quickly goes over to the large tub, not stopping to think about what just happened. He doesn’t want to think about what that tells him about himself.

 

The taps on the bath are impossibly shiny, looking like they’ve never been touched before, but Eren has come to see this as the norm for this place. He turns both of them all the way, and once again praises the efficient plumbing that allows him instant water; no sputtering, no creaking pipes, no smell of sewage.

 

He doesn’t freak out this time. It’s calming instead, just as he’d hoped. He goes back to the cupboard under the sink and grabs an armful of products that seem to match, if only in colour. Reading one of the labels tells him to add the soap while the water is running, but he won’t be relaxing for this first soak. There are too many layers of dirt on his skin that he needs to rid himself of first. The assortment of bottles and a wash cloth are placed at one end of the bathtub. The water level isn’t even halfway up the side yet. Eren decides to get another drink of water from the sink, much needed after his many coughing fits. He had seen a toothbrush in the cupboard too, so he thinks he may as well brush his teeth as well while he waits.

 

The taste of mint on his tongue is something he never thought he could enjoy so much. He had squeezed too much toothpaste out of the tube, so now his mouth is overflowing with foam but he doesn’t care. He wants to make sure he gets every tooth now he’s started, so he brushes all angles very carefully. That means his eyes have time to wander though, and the mirror directly in front of him can’t be ignored.

 

Eren doesn’t recognise himself. He pities the eyes that look back at him, red-rimmed and dull green with bold shadows underneath. They still look too large for his face, like a child. Of course, he looks older; being taken so young meant he was still growing, although he wonders what the difference would be if he had been provided with proper nutrition. Certainly, his face wouldn’t be so thin, lacking softness where there should be plenty, and his skin wouldn’t be so pallid. Natural complexion and an extremely healthy amount of time spent outdoors with his friends meant that the Eren of before had beautifully tanned skin all year round. Now it was hardly noticeable.

 

His hair is closer to black than the usual deep brown with how dirty and greasy it is. It hangs limp over his face, wild and beyond messy. Touching his scalp makes him cringe and shudder with revulsion.

 

One look at his bare torso shows how his body is desperately trying to cling to some baby-fat, but failing. The bones of his collar and ribs and hips are prominent. He thinks that the mark he can see around his neck is a friction burn, but it’s small and mostly unnoticeable. However, there are dark bruises on his left shoulder and around the crest of his left hipbone and down the side of his thigh. He’s not too worried about how they look, although he doesn’t want to touch them right now. He’s amazed to see that the simple exercises he was doing while alone in that cage have maintained a little of his muscle mass, but that’s the only positive sight. He’s had to watch himself deteriorate for years, powerless to stop it.

 

No sun, no moon, no love, no care. This is the result. Months and months of confinement inside the same walls and iron bars. This is who he is now. What he’s looking at is the Eren Jaeger who apparently can’t handle showers anymore and wakes up crying from nightmares far too often. The changes run deeper than just his outward appearance.

 

He wraps a hand around his key and squeezes tightly.

 

He spits into the sink and hastily rinses his mouth and the toothbrush before moving away. He undresses the rest of the way in a stupor, letting the clothes fall anywhere. His knees are black and blue. He’s still struggling with his inner demons as he turns off the water and steps into the bath. The blissful heat brings him back to himself, and he can literally feel all his tense muscles unwinding slowly.

 

Sitting in the water up to his chest is fine. He knows he’s not going to drown. His brow furrows as he thinks back to how extreme his reaction was before considering how this feels nothing but good.

 

Dirt is already being rinsed from his skin just sitting still, but he speeds the process up by rubbing his hands all over. That’s probably helped with one layer but he needs soap for the rest of it. So he grabs the gel and squeezes some onto his hands, creating a thick lather before getting to work. As he expected, the suds go brown after the first swipe of his hand.

 

He keeps going. Lather, rinse, repeat. The feeling is so wonderful that it’s almost like a ritual. He tips his head back to wet his hair, careful not to get water in his ears, and furiously scrubs shampoo into it from roots to ends. The filth that comes off is worse than anything on his body. The bathwater looks like a forest river after heavy rain. He’d chosen the shower first because he didn’t want to sit in water like this. Eren pulls the plug to let it drain away and runs the taps again at full power for a quick refill. He doesn’t wait for it to fill completely before he’s grabbing bottles again, this time using the cloth to rub harder at his skin.

 

He works like he’s possessed, scrubbing with such vigour his skin goes red, even over the bruises. His hair still gives him the most trouble, so he leaves some shampoo in for a little while, concentrating on the dirt trapped under his nails in the meantime. It’s another few minutes until he tries to run his fingers through it. He catches on knots immediately when he starts on his fringe, so he switches to focus on the ends first. It’s tough work but he can see he’s getting somewhere, and the texture feels considerably better. Same goes for his tail, where the fur is short but thick so he needs to massage the soap in well with his fingertips.

 

When he’s done his whole head he takes a deep breath and dunks under the surface without a second thought. Some soap gets in his eyes but he just wipes it away with the cloth. He shakes his head a bit too hard to get water out of his ears and ends up with dark edges around his vision for a few seconds.

 

A quick inspection shows his skin to be cleaner than it’s been in years. He can run his fingers over his arms and feel nothing but smoothness instead of dust and dirt. Fifth time’s the charm when it comes to his hair, and the extra effort is well worth being able to run his fingers through the entire length unhindered. It almost squeaks when he does.

 

He drains the brownish water and uses the now dirty cloth to wipe away the tide mark that has been left of the side of the tub so that it is pure white again. This time when he fills it back up he uses more hot water than cold, instead of equal amounts of both, and adds the soap at the same time to create little mountains of bubbles. They tickle his skin nicely. He doesn’t bother getting out and unnecessarily getting the floor wet, letting the water level rise around him. Wisps of steam swirl upwards from the surface. The surrounding scent is slightly flowery, possibly rose but maybe lavender. _Which one did_ she _like, again? I can’t remember._

 

He soaks for an indeterminable amount of time, drifting through his own mind in the peace of this space he’s created. He does nothing but exist. Water laps at the base of his neck. Then his chin. Then his lips. They turn up slightly at the corners.

 

His forehead is relaxed. His joints feel healed. Everything is so nice. Here he is, he is willingly alone, and it’s nice. He lets his eyes drift out of focus as he stares at the ceiling.

 

He may have actually fallen asleep. He opens his eyes – _when did I close them?_ – and the last image he has in his mind is of looking down on a wide lake surrounded by forest, reflecting moonlight through thin cloud cover. Did he dream of that? He feels like there was someone there with him, although he doesn’t remember seeing them.

 

It’s a gentle feeling.

 

The water is still lukewarm but all the bubbles have gone and his fingers have gone wrinkly. He pulls the plug one final time and stands carefully, stepping out onto the mat by the side of the bath. He shakes once from head to tail, flicking water in every direction.

 

The atmosphere feels fragile. Wrapping himself in a towel is a heavenly sensation. The cotton is thick and soft against his sensitive skin. He knows he had to scrub hard, but maybe he overdid it a little.

 

The mirror has fogged over with condensation, for which he is glad. He feels at home in his skin, purified and refreshed, and he doesn’t want that to be ruined.

 

He dries himself completely, even his hair and tail, before hanging up the towel on a railing and walking over to where he left the cardboard box. He picks an outfit from the topmost items but has to rifle through to the bottom to find underwear. All of the clothes are plain in both colour and style, but they’re clean and soft and will start smelling of him once he puts them on. The grey sweatpants he’s pulled out are the perfect length, but he has to tighten the waist around his hips. They’re sitting quite low because they can’t go over his tail, like the boxer-briefs. The first t-shirt he’s picked is a little too small, exposing a sliver of his midriff, so he exchanges it for a larger one with long sleeves.

 

Once he’s fully clothed, he soon realises that his tail is wagging at how good he feels. Actually _wagging_. He doesn’t remember the last time it’s done that. It’s a sad realisation, but he doesn’t stop. He wants to ride this high for a long as he possibly can.

 

He walks out of the bathroom with box in hand, depositing it on the dresser as it was before. He can see that Hanji and Levi are both seated on the sofa at opposite ends, Levi holding a teacup in one hand by its rim, and Hanji with a file of papers which they look up from when they spot Eren. Their eyes widen first at his appearance, and then they look even more surprised when they see the proof of his good mood waving side to side behind him. They get up to come closer and presumably to talk, but Eren is already turning around and returning to the other room.

 

It’s liberating to be able to walk away from them, although that isn’t why he goes back into the bathroom. He just wants to remove the filthy rags he had previously been wearing and leave them by the big metal door, in the corner and out of the way. There’s absolutely no point in keeping them. In fact, now that he himself is freshly washed, the stench of the fabric is too strong to not notice.

 

There’s one more thing he wants to add to the new discard pile. That foul collar and chain that was left by the foot of the bed. He doesn’t want to touch the damned thing, so he shoves and kicks it with his foot to get it across the room, even though this way takes longer. Hanji is watching him closely, but is not making notes or trying to talk to him. It’s pretty obvious what he’s doing and why anyway.

 

Levi sips from his cup, aware of him but not looking his way.

 

“How was your shower, Eren?” Hanji asks politely, trying to start a conversation.

 

He doesn’t answer. He doesn’t know what they’re talking about. _What shower?_

_I never touched it._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I wrote the flow of Eren's thoughts alright, it's a bit of a rollercoaster this chapter. The scene from his dream is from episode 3 of the anime where he goes out with Reiner and Bert, if you want a better visual since I only described it briefly.
> 
> Since it's currently the 25th December in this fic I've technically given Eren a bath for Christmas... yeah


	5. The Makeover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the great feedback I'm getting from you guys, it really means a lot to me and I smile too much
> 
> More Levi interaction this chapter, so I hope you'll enjoy it~

 

There’s nothing for Eren to do once he’s investigated the main room of his prison. It didn’t take long, even though he was thorough. Nothing behind the dresser, nothing under the bed, and the sheets on the mattress are crisp and recently laundered. No hidden panels had popped out when he pressed random spots on the walls and every tile on the floor is fixed in place. Eren even checked under the rug. No troubling smells caught his attention. In fact, the pile of old rags was the only thing his nose could detect in the room, masked slightly by the faint scent of soap wafting in through the open bathroom door.

 

He spends a few minutes unloading the clothes from the box into the drawers, separating underwear, tops, and bottoms, for lack of anything better to do. This unexpected burst of motivation to do _something_ means he doesn’t want to sit around just yet, so he also refolds any clothes that had been rumpled when he was digging through them earlier.

 

But in actuality it’s less motivation that drives him and more restlessness. And the restlessness comes from the need to delay Hanji's inevitable questions for even just a little while longer. He knows the reason they are sitting there again is to wait for him.

 

He brings the now empty cardboard box over to the discard pile and puts everything inside to tidy up. The whole room is spotless everywhere except for the dirty smudges he’d left from kicking the wall hours before. It feels like it had happened days ago to Eren. He’d blacked out, then slept uncomfortably on the floor, then had an impromptu nap in the bath, and that’s more eventful than his life has been for ages.

 

Hanji's gaze is like a physical pressure on his skin and makes the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Moving around makes it less obvious, and he’s finished wasting time unpacking, so he decides to try and clean the wall of the brown marks. Now that he’s seen them again he can’t ignore his growing irritation with it. It reminds him of the discoloured patch on the ceiling of that damn shop, or the damp patches of mould that grew in the basement, and he could do without noticing such similarities; especially when he can do something to change it, now.

 

He goes back to the bathroom in search of something to use to wipe the wall. He chooses to go for the simple option of a damp washcloth, wringing it out well so it doesn’t drip on the floor when he returns to the other room. He walks through the door to find that Levi has moved to stand behind Hanji and is scolding them for the mess that is still spread out around them. His tone makes Eren think that this isn’t the second time he’s asked, or even the third, but he doesn’t feel the need to listen to the actual words. Ignoring Hanji means ignoring Levi, too. The man doesn’t want his attention in the first place anyway.

 

He crouches down and blows a wisp of hair out of his eyes. Leaning forward always makes the long strands fall over his face. The dirt comes off easier than he thought it would, apart from one stubborn bit in the middle. He moves the cloth in circular motions, pressing a little harder until the brown mark gradually fades. There’s a weird sense of satisfaction once the wall is restored to its pristine state. Eren nods to himself for the small achievement. _Not useless. Clean again._ Eren rinses the cloth out in the sink and hangs it next to the towel to be reused since it still looks clean.

 

He is reluctant to go back out there, under Hanji's scrutiny, but for _some reason_ being in the bathroom for a long period of time with nothing to do makes him incredibly edgy. So Eren leaves, assuring himself that he looks calmer than he feels and _nothing is wrong I’m okay_.

 

He almost wishes that he had slept in the bed, despite his pride, just so that he could spend time making it now instead of dragging his feet over to the rug. He sighs quietly as he sits down, hand reaching for his tail this time when it curves around him. The fur isn’t soft like the carpet, but that’s not what he wants anyway; before, he was simply using the material as a replacement. He pulls it into his lap and strokes over the coarse, longer hairs, occasionally curling his fingers in to feel the softer undercoat.

 

It’s a comfort gesture, one he’s always had and which he finds incredibly soothing. To once again be able to do it without his palm coming away blackened with filth fills Eren with joy. It was a struggle to maintain his dignity as a werewolf when his hygiene became so neglected. He vows to never sink so low ever again, no matter what happens here.

 

He hears the click of a shutter a few times, but keeps his head tilted down. He peers up through his curtain of hair to see Hanji making an unhappy face at the camera in their hands.

 

“Hey, Levi?” They twist their torso around to look for the man in question but he’s no longer behind them, or even in the room as far as Eren can see. “Levi?” Hanji calls a little louder but there’s no response. They huff quietly before standing up walking away in search of him. They go into the room which Eren now thinks of as Levi's, since that’s where he had been before. The door is left ajar when Hanji enters and Eren can make out their distinctive voice and Levi's low responses, but only as muffled sounds even when he perks up his ears. Hanji's tone quickly turns whiny, probably trying to convince Levi to do something, but Eren is still clueless. The two of them emerge minutes later, Levi walking in front of Hanji with an irritated expression on his face.

 

“I don’t see how this is really that important, four-eyes,” Levi says, making his way over to the kitchen with Hanji following close on his heels. He begins washing the cup he was holding in the sink. “Just do it yourself, if you think it’s no big deal.”

 

“C’mon, grumpy, I need your help. We both know you’re better at it than me.” This way of listening in through the speaker in the upper left corner is maddening to Eren, since the kitchen is over to the right of the main room. His eyes are looking one way and his ears are facing another but he’s watching and listening to the same thing.

 

“It’s not been twenty-four hours yet, Hanji. Don’t push it.” Eren is utterly confused as to what they are talking about, having missed the beginning of the conversation.

 

“I know, I know, but just this one thing, please. What could go wrong?” At this, Levi turns away from the sink and gives Hanji an incredulous look, by which Eren means he raises one eyebrow while the rest of his face stays impassive.

 

“Going in with him has risks that we don’t yet know about, Hanji. That’s why he’s locked up, you idiot.” Eren is fully attentive now. _So they’ve been talking about me. Of course, what else am I here for?_ He grips his tail a bit too tightly in both hands.

 

Hanji is trying their best to give Levi a pleading look, but the man grimaces up at them and pushes them away with one hand as he walks past. “Quit bugging me.”

 

“So you’ll do it?” Hanji's eyes light up.

 

“Quit fucking bugging me,” is Levi's eloquent response. But Hanji seems overjoyed at it, bouncing a little on their feet and returning to the window quickly, so it must mean Levi is going to get whatever he needs instead of just walking away.

 

Eren is incredibly nervous. This is what he had been dreading but anticipating, the moment when this tentative peace would end and they would turn aggressive towards him. His hours of calm really had seemed too good to be true. The only question is, how will it start?

 

Levi comes back from one of the rooms with various things held under one arm and in his hand. He stops by the dining table to take one of the chairs with him, picking it up effortlessly along with everything else and carrying it to the door keeping Eren inside. Hanji opens it for him, using their set of keys, and he steps in.

 

They close it behind him.

 

 _“We both know you’re better at it than me.”_ That’s what Hanji had said before. Did they mean torture? That means Levi is the worst person to be near right now. Levi could have skills that would give Eren nightmares. He’s alarmed at the images his mind is already conjuring up. His heart is beating twice as fast as before.

 

Eren knows he should be doing something, _anything_ , but all his muscles have frozen and he’s stuck on the floor. He can’t even move into a crouch so that he’s ready for whatever is coming. He didn’t hear the lock click again, so he should try to dodge around Levi and get out while he can. Hanji's standing by the glass with the camera back in their hands. He might be able to catch them off guard, if he’s quick enough. This could be his only chance, and he’s wasting it. _Why can’t I move?_

 

Levi places the chair down close to the centre of the room, just to the side of the rug where Eren is paralysed. He sets the rest of his equipment on the nearby dresser. Eren is relieved to see no guns, or knives, or the long sticks that zap him when they touch him among the tools, but he is still terrified.

 

Some monsters prefer to use their bare hands.

 

He is the taller one, but that means nothing when he knows he’s significantly weaker. He may be more than human but right now he’s unarmed.

 

_Where’s a full moon when you need one?_

 

He manages to make one small movement in the direction of the door before Levi speaks.

 

“Sit.” The command is loud in Eren's ears even though they are pressed back against his skull. It really hits him then that he’s trapped in a room with this intimidating man and has no idea what could happen. He’s panicking internally, and his rapid heartbeat is pumping blood to his muscles but he still can’t control his limbs. The word actually confuses Eren for a few seconds, since he’s already sitting on the floor, and he wonders if Levi is the kind of human who will punish him even when he’s done nothing wrong. But Levi just points to the chair and turns his back to him. Eren flinched when his arm came up.

 

He obeys in a panic, nearly tripping over his tail when he gets to his knees, and seats himself on the chair with his legs pulled up to his chest. He grips the edges of the seat tightly, his knuckles going white with the effort. Already, Levi has this much power over him. Something about the way he holds himself just projects a superiority that he cannot defy.

 

He’s almost like an alpha wolf, and Eren is running on instinct.

 

Levi glances over his shoulder at Eren, taking in his hunched shoulders and wide eyes. He clicks his tongue once. Eren watches as his gaze moves to look over his head, presumably at Hanji. His expression doesn’t change and Hanji is quiet on the other side, but Eren thinks that he’s communicating something with his eyes. He turns around slowly, and Eren can now see what is in his right hand.

 

A pair of scissors. Black handled and with gleaming silver blades. _An unusual weapon choice_ , Eren thinks in the calm, observant part of his mind.

 

 _Maybe I should run now_ , the rest of him says.

 

Levi comes towards him, slowly and with the scissors facing down against his side. _At least he’s not the cocky, arrogant type who likes to twirl things in their fingers._ He’s three metres away.

 

Eren starts growling without having to think about it. A threat is approaching. He’s two metres away now, and continues to move forwards. Levi's completely undeterred by the sound coming from Eren's chest, rumbling and low. The volume of the growling increases with every step.

 

Levi stops in front of him, barely a metre between them. Eren bares his teeth in aggression, but his flattened ears still show fear.

 

_Stay back!_

 

He watches, not daring to even blink, as Levi slowly raises his left hand up to Eren's face. He’s still seemingly unaffected by the werewolf’s obvious hostility. _I’m warning you._ The hand comes closer. _Aren’t you listening to me?_ Eren's growls are the only sound in the room.

 

_Fine, you asked for it._

 

Just as Levi's fingers are about to touch him, Eren whips his head around swiftly and clamps his teeth down on the meat of Levi's left thumb. He snarls into the flesh, biting down hard.

 

The reaction he’s expecting to follow – a scream or a flinch, perhaps a loud curse like some of the others – never comes. A shocked gasp comes from the speaker behind him, then the click of a shutter, only just audible. He looks up at Levi's face with fiery eyes to see what kind of expression he’s making.

 

He’s surprised to find it exactly as apathetic as it was before. Levi looks unconcerned that Eren can currently taste his blood, the skin on the back of his hand pierced by Eren's long upper canines. He merely blinks once before saying, “Let go,” in a bored tone. The low monotone has Eren frowning, thrown off by Levi's unwavering indifference. The hand in his mouth is relaxed and mostly limp, not trying to pull away. _Does he not feel pain?_ Eren is too confused to keep growling. The sound trails off uncertainly.

 

He holds his position for another ten seconds, jaw rigid and eyes narrowed, before loosening his jaw and releasing Levi's hand. He licks the blood from his teeth and lips. The taste of iron is heavy on his tongue. He swallows repeatedly until it disappears. There are clear, deep indents in Levi's skin even where his teeth hadn’t broken through.

 

Levi simply turns around, places the scissors on the dresser, and heads to the bathroom without another word. Eren can hear a tap running and cabinets being opened and closed, but hears nothing from the man himself. Not even pained muttering that he could have been trying to hide while in front of Eren. He relaxes his hold on the chair seat and clutches his tail close to his chest. A short while later Levi reappears, left hand bandaged neatly. The strips of white almost blend in with his pale skin.

 

Eren wonders how much practice he must have had to be able to treat himself so quickly, without any help. He’s never seen anyone do that. Whenever he had watched his father do it to a patient the technique had looked complex, winding between the fingers and around the palm all the way to the wrist while still allowing some movement, and then fixing it at the end so it wouldn’t come loose. It would definitely be easier with two hands.

 

“Shitty four-eyes over there asked me to cut your hair. Something stupid about not being able to see your face and expressions in the photos, or whatever. I bet they didn’t tell you that before I came in.” Levi's eyes lazily drift around the room as he talks, stopping on Eren when he says, “Let’s make this quick. Do I have to muzzle you?”

 

Eren wrinkles his nose in offense. _You can’t put a muzzle on me when I don’t physically_ have _a muzzle right now._ That’s what he would say if he felt like answering. He huffs angrily but doesn’t talk back. Levi picks the scissors up again, a comb in the other hand, and walks back to Eren. He chooses to stand behind him this time.

 

Eren growls again, mostly under his breath as an obligatory warning. He doesn’t want Levi to think that he’s safe now. Nothing has changed. Eren will bite him a second time if he feels it’s necessary.

 

There is no trust to be had here.

 

But the fact that Levi hasn’t retaliated in any way unsettles him. The ordinary thing to do would be to hit Eren harder in revenge, right? Make sure that it couldn’t happen again. Stop him from fighting by any means possible. Use a bat or a whip to hurt him.

 

Make him cry out in pain and laugh at the result.

 

_“I wonder what colour werewolves bleed…”_

 

Eren cringes as scenes from his memory flash across his eyes, the ghostly feeling of past injuries stinging just beneath his skin. He strokes his tail as they rush by. His quiet growling almost turns into a long whine at one point but he stops himself just in time.

 

Levi starts touching his hair lightly, and Eren switches to focus on that. He’s… gentle. Once again, Eren doesn’t know what to think. His assumptions are wrong, and he doesn’t know why. Things have always followed a pattern before. _People_ have always followed a pattern before. Now it seems he’s in unknown territory.

 

Eren stays still as Levi works quickly behind him, making no comments and touching Eren as little as possible. He doesn’t know whether this is because he actually is afraid of being bitten again and is just really good at hiding it, or because Levi still deems him too unclean to be in contact with. _I bet it’s the latter considering it was him who told me to wash in the first place._

 

Once or twice, the tip of a finger would brush against the short fur of Eren's ears, and it would twitch reflexively. Whenever the comb scratches along his scalp behind an ear Eren’s eyelids droop, and he tilts his head a fraction into the touch without realising. His growling probably sounds more like a deep purr at those times, more like a cat than a wolf.

 

Strands of hair are falling to the floor around him as Levi moves from the back of his head to either side. There’s no hesitation in the cuts he makes, each _snip_ smooth and unhurried. Eren has found something else that Levi must have plenty of practice with. When he gets to his fringe and his left hand comes into view, Eren frowns slightly at the bandages. It still doesn’t make sense to him, this kind treatment. He drops his eyes to his lap and plays with the fur on the tip of his tail, twirling it between two fingers as he thinks. The growling stops as he’s deep in thought.

 

Eren only knows that Levi has finished when he steps back after one final glide of the comb through his hair, since the man is still being silent, not giving anything away. As he goes over to the dresser to retrieve a dustpan and brush he’d brought in with him, Eren stands from the chair and swiftly retreats to the bed in the corner. It’s the furthest place from Levi, but also the furthest place from the unlocked door.

 

He watches warily as Levi sweeps up the hair on the floor neatly and goes to throw it away in the bin in the bathroom. He comes back and collects his things, even putting the cardboard box Eren had filled with his unwanted clothes and collar on the chair so that he can carry it all out.

 

Hanji opens the door for him. Before he walks out, Eren notices that Levi had been looking at the spot on the wall he’d been cleaning before. _Does he think I did a bad job?_ His face was turned away from him so he doesn’t know what kind of face he was making, but his curiosity is flaring up.

 

The door is locked behind him.

 

“Happy now, shitty four-eyes? Check me for rabies or some shit.” Hanji grins widely at him.

 

“Oh, Levi, don’t be so dramatic. Do you know how rare rabies is here? Eren isn’t even showing any symptoms. You’re not gonna die or anything, and I _know_ you disinfected it well before wrapping it up so your risk of infection from any bacteria is really low. By the way, can I see the wound? I wanna know how sharp his teeth are! If only I could take a mould. Did you bleed a lot? Show me, show me!”

 

Hanji's excitement is peaking again and Levi is doing his best to ignore them, returning everything in his hands to their proper places. _Looks like I’m not getting any punishment from them for biting Levi either._

 

With the humans occupied, Eren breathes a deep sigh of relief. He may not have escaped but he’s survived the first contact with Levi. He runs his fingers through his hair, amazed at how healthy it feels, despite the neglect. He’d been expecting worse, but now it’s shorter and feels fluffy after the thorough towel drying he gave it earlier. Levi has cut it so that his fringe is still long enough to frame his face slightly. He parts it in the middle so that the ends fall to the corners of his eyes and his vision is no longer obscured. The nape of his neck feels bare, but it’s nice to not have it tickling the sensitive skin there every time he moves his head.

 

This is the length his hair had been before the attack on Shiganshina. Hanji's reasons for wanting Levi to do this mean little to him and he hadn’t asked for it, but he does feel a little bit more like himself, regardless.

 

Eren allows himself a small smile.

 

On the other side of the glass, Levi has just gone into his room, slamming the door in Hanji's face since his complaints had done nothing to slow their chattering down. They whine, “Levi, don’t be like that,” through the wood barrier, pouting their lips unhappily. But they don’t stay dejected for long, bouncing back surprisingly quickly to go over to the kitchen. They open a few cupboards, not caring about being quiet, and then walk over to Eren's door. They have a plate in their hands, and what Eren sees on it is almost too good to believe. He can’t help leaning forwards slightly on the bed to get a closer look. He makes no sudden moves when Hanji unlocks the door and sets the plate down just inside, but as soon as it’s closed again he leaps from his place, unable to hold back.

 

 _Bread!_ A singular roll sits in the middle of the white plate, perfectly ordinary.

 

Eren's eyes light up.

 

He doesn’t need to reach out and touch it to know that it’s real; the faint smell of a bakery floats up to his nose and he’s transported to the shop two streets away from his house that was always open no matter how early he went out. The couple who owned it were chatty and eternally friendly, keeping up with the demands of their customers with help from their three sons and one daughter. The kind woman had another baby on the way, and his mother would talk at length with her about her health and progress. Their grandmother was also living with them, and if she happened to be sitting in the front of the shop when Eren was there, he would be treated to one of the sweet baked goods, no matter the time of day. Eren hadn’t known either of his own grandparents, so her affection was eagerly welcomed. He’d bring her flowers in return, from the meadow he, Armin, and Mikasa would frequently visit, since she was frail and couldn’t move around very freely, even on the full moon.

 

The last time Eren had seen her, she had told him to be safe when playing outside. He’d had a fading bruise on his cheek and a split lip, from fighting a bully. She had smiled so sweetly when he promised her he would.

 

The bread in his hands is fresh, soft on the outside and fluffy on the inside. The taste isn’t quite the same but he hums in appreciation of the food. His tail is sweeping the floor behind him. _Didn’t Levi say something about today being Christmas?_ Technically this could be seen as a gift, and although it’s simple, to Eren its value is priceless.

 

Hanji comes round to the window, camera held high. They point it at Eren and then press the button six or seven times in quick succession. Pulling it away from their face, they admire the shots they’ve taken. This time around they look much happier with the result. They’re obviously satisfied with Levi's work even though he never heard them say thank you.

 

After the interactions he’s had and seen with Hanji, Eren doesn’t expect them to restrain themselves from launching into another long talk, so he sits and watches them with polite interest, chewing on his bread in small pieces. It’s convenient to not have to constantly be brushing his fringe out of his face while he’s eating.

 

He savours every bite.

 


	6. The Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH this fic has already passed the 100 kudos and 1000 hits markers and I want to bottle up the feeling that I got when I saw that, thanks guys!! Also I want to point out that the Levi/Eren tag on here now has over 4000 works! That's pretty cool, I've read so many of them <3
> 
> I don't know if i need to warn for this but there's a creepy dream this chapter, as you can guess from the title, so skip the middle bit in italics if you don't want to read

 

Eren rubs at his stomach lightly. Finishing that bread roll had filled him up surprisingly well, although it was a modest size. _My stomach must have shrunk from only having tiny portions from that monster._ Not a single crumb remains. He had eaten it slowly, but even so it was gone far too fast, the taste no more than a faint memory on his tongue. It’s left him feeling lethargic but satisfied.

 

He still doesn’t know what to think of Hanji Zoe.

 

They are the thirty-third human to buy him and lock him up, but so far all their actions have been pleasant. Humane. They want to socialise with him more than any other human has ever seen necessary, obviously interested in what he is but not tormenting him because of it. He hasn’t yet been reduced to being a dog or anything less. They’d introduced themselves as if there wasn’t a huge barrier between them. He has a bed and a shower and a belly full of real food. What’s more is that he’d even been given a _haircut_ , something that doesn’t impact his health and should be so low on their list of priorities that it doesn’t even warrant their attention. Not once has Hanji so much as raised their voice at him. But Eren remembers the glint in their eyes that he had seen back when they were talking to Vermin. There was something under that cheerful exterior that had flashed to the surface, and Eren doesn’t know what it was but he can’t let himself forget it.

 

Complacency will lead to death.

 

Hanji is… peculiar. One of the only things Eren knows for certain is that they confuse him. Even so, he doesn’t let himself get swept up in their pace. For hours now, Hanji has done nothing but ask questions and talk, and talk, and talk some more. They’ve received no answers to any of them, verbal or otherwise.

 

Eren has noticed that they say his name often now that he’s told them what it is, tagging it on the end of sentences casually. The ease with which they do it creates a false sense of familiarity, like they’ve known Eren for a long time. It’s been a while since anyone has said it, and he can’t say he regrets telling them. Hearing it is kind of nice and his ears perk up every time; he catches Hanji smiling at the reaction more than once. He takes the fact that they’re using it as a small sign of respect, since they have changed their ways from before to be a little more considerate.

 

They haven’t been deterred by Eren's lack of communication even a little. Instead of growing angry they turn their attention to their notebook, sometimes writing, sometimes not, and simply wait a few minutes before another thought comes to their mind. Occasionally, Eren is able to follow their thought process, one question easily flowing to the next, but mostly it seems sporadic.

 

Hanji's mind works in mysterious ways, Eren is quickly learning.

 

It had started off simple, things like wanting to know Eren's birthday and how old he was, any personal information that he could give them without needing a physical check-up. He doesn’t know exactly how tall he is – Hanji had guessed that it was close to their own height of five foot seven purely from observation – nor does he know how much he weighs. They know he’s underweight but they can’t see how skeletal he is under his baggy clothes. He listens to them have a solo debate for a while (“I shouldn’t… But it’s for _science_!”), eventually talking themselves out of going in to his room with a tape measure and set of scales by reminding themselves that “Levi would _definitely_ not approve and will get really, really mad.”

 

The relationship between the two humans is also something that doesn’t make sense but appears to work somehow anyway. It was obvious that their personalities clash right from their first conversation, and the ones after that have always sounded like an argument without the shouting. But when Hanji says things like that it shows that they listen to Levi, even though it can sound like a joke. And similarly, Levi must care about Hanji's opinions even though his words are crude and his enthusiasm basically non-existent, since he did as they asked. Eren wonders how long they’ve been partners, but then reminds himself that he’s not supposed to be analysing their interactions. _What good will that do, huh?_

 

Every twenty questions or so, Hanji would ask harder questions about specific werewolf biology or the structure of his village. When Hanji saw how talk of his hometown made him stiffen where he sat, they had quickly backpedalled onto safer topics. But Eren could tell that they were burning to know, especially when they would ask something similar fifteen minutes later, a serious look on their face. It seemed very important to them, and he could tell that the subject wouldn’t be completely dropped any time soon.

 

No other human had been so unaffected by his silence before. The pattern that Eren had always witnessed inevitably led to the humans becoming frustrated fairly quickly when he wouldn’t immediately behave as they wanted him to. Previously, ignoring a new master had caused a whole range of violent consequences, from loud insults, to death threats, to physical abuse. It makes Eren anxious, anticipating the moment Hanji would also turn and lash out aggressively towards him, possibly calling Levi to assist them. But they just continue like it’s normal to have an entirely one-sided conversation with a young werewolf.

 

No breaks in their light interrogation meant that he could not sit peacefully. His polite interest had only lasted as long as the food. When he had turned his back to them, slightly angled to watch them in his peripherals still, he could not stop both his ears from naturally swivelling around to catch their voice. When he felt like lying down, he forced himself to get up and go to the bed to rest, using it properly for the first time. He lay down on his right side to avoid the majority of his bruises, with his back to the wall, not bothering to get under the covers. The mattress feels perfect and the springs didn’t creak at all when he wriggled into a comfortable position.

 

To be honest, he hadn’t expected Hanji to be so diligent with their “constant monitoring”. The amount of time they’ve already spent at the window is ridiculous. It’s like they don’t need to eat or sleep, only caring about dedicating as much time as possible to watching him. Levi, on the other hand, has not come out of his room since the haircut. There’s no sign of the man and Hanji doesn’t seem to need him for anything. For all Eren knows, that door could actually lead outside. He might not even be in the building anymore.

 

Eren doesn’t care. One less captor means (or should mean) less surveillance, which is a good thing. He needs peace and quiet to be able to think of a plan.

 

But that’s easier said than done. Armin had always been the one with the sharp mind. Eren doesn’t do ‘thinking ahead’. He can’t map out every step of the way, making branching paths for possible unforeseen circumstances. Eren would rather take the initiative when an opportunity presents itself. His blond-haired best friend had had potential unmatched by any of the other Shiganshina kids, and although his confidence needed plenty of improvement, Eren was always there to give encouragement.

 

They had relied on each other more than Eren had ever realised. Now, Eren is patient only because he has no choice and has taught himself to be so. Biding his time is practically his hobby at this point. But strategy is not one of his strengths. He wishes that his friend could help him now, but back then Armin’s plans had mostly been hypothetical, ideas to be carried out in the future. They were nothing but the unfulfilled dreams of children desperate to see the outside world. So who knows if they would work in a dire situation such as this?

 

Either way, Eren knows that he would put all of his faith in Armin if he were here. But how does he stand any chance of scheming something brilliant enough to escape alone?

 

_It’s selfish to want him to be here. I shouldn’t be thinking things like that. Armin should be protected from a life like this. I wouldn’t be able to stand seeing him cry._

_I would gladly take his place if it had ended up like that._

Eren yawns once, and immediately a wave of sleepiness washes over him. He hadn’t thought that he was feeling all that tired but his eyelids won’t open all the way anymore. Hanji's questions are fewer in number now, and Eren has noticed that some are repeats from earlier that they’re still hoping to get an answer for. That’s the real proof that they’ve been going for too long.

 

He knows that he’s been thinking too hard, so he doesn’t fight the pull of unconsciousness. He just hopes that his mind will stop running through these complicated thoughts so that he can rest without difficulty. Hanji's voice is fading into the background. They might not even realise he’s asleep for another few minutes.

 

+++++

 

_Eren has never seen this part of his house before. He feels like he should know where he is though, so he assumes he’s at home, even if none of his walls had been painted such dark colours. In fact, there isn’t much colour in here in the first place, now that’s he’s looking closer. It’s very grey, very bland._

_White light is streaming in through the window, so bright that it can’t be real, making a perfect square on the floor. Eren walks through it to a door on the other side of the room. He doesn’t notice that he’s not creating a shadow like he should be. He walks outside into the whiteness and a sudden gust of wind makes him close his eyes._

_He opens them a moment later and sees that he’s standing by the edge of a cliff. To his right, a rock skitters over the grey ground and into the abyss. He looks over the precipice to watch it fall but it’s no longer there. But he can see the bottom, far below._

_His house is down there._

_It stands alone, surrounded by a vast, white emptiness. Eren tilts his head._ But if that’s where my house is, where have I just come from?

_“Eren.”_

_The voice comes from behind him, and at first he thinks that he’s imagined it since it sounds distant and faded. He tears his eyes away from his house and steps back from the cliff._

_“Eren.”_

_It’s slightly clearer this time. He knows this voice, but as he turns around he’s not sure what he’s going to see._

_“… Armin?”_

_The door he’d just walked out of isn’t there. In its place is a young boy with a button nose, chin-length golden hair, and pale blond ears sitting atop his head. He’s wearing an oversized blue cardigan that is close to matching his eyes over a white shirt, and tan cotton pants. Unlike the rest of the place, the area around him is full of life and colour. Lush, green grass grows under his feet. As Eren looks at him, a large, black bird swoops down from above, heading for the boy. The second it alights on his shoulder, its dark feathers burst into vibrant colour; beautiful scarlet on the body, with yellow and blue in its wings. It perches there nonchalantly, and the boy isn’t startled in the least, despite the fact that it’s as big as his head._

_Eren can feel his tail wagging, but it’s slow and held low in apprehension; the tip brushes past his calves with every movement. Because what’s in front of him looks like Armin, and sounded like Armin, but something isn’t right. The colours are too vivid. The longer he looks, the more it burns his eyes. But that doesn’t stop him from taking a step forwards._

_“Armin! You’re here!”_

_“Eren.” He no longer feels like there’s cotton in his ears. “Why are you here, Eren?”_

_“What do you mean? My house is over there. Shouldn’t I be asking_ you _that?”_

_“No, Eren, you’re somewhere else. You can’t go home.” Armin's lips are moving out of sync with his voice. “I can’t reach you.”_

_“What are you saying, Armin? We’re both right here! Let’s go home.”_

_“I can’t reach you. But when we’re of age we can go see the ocean.” Eren blinks, and abruptly Armin is crying, fat tears streaming down his face. Mouth is moving but no sound comes out. Right arm is shaking. Grabs at it with his left hand to make it stop._

_Then Eren blinks again and the image is gone. “Armin? A-are you alright?”_

_“Are you alright, Eren? Do you (_ can’t go home _) remember? We can go (_ I can’t reach you _) and see the outside world.” Eren hesitates at the echo in his voice. When he hears it again, he notices that it doesn’t come from Armin, but from the bird on his shoulder. It’s a perfect mimic, down to the exact same intonation that Armin had used. Its head is turned to the side so he can see just how large its beak is, curving to end in a sharp point. One beady, black eye is fixed on him._

_This is wrong. Eren steps backwards, but then remembers the sheer drop that is behind him._

_The grass around Armin's feet is dying, green withering into brown. Eren blinks. Blood covers Armin's head, soaking into his hair and furry ears. Dead eyes stare at him. And then, just like before, he blinks again and suddenly it’s gone. Eren is more than uneasy now, but there’s nowhere to go. The fall behind him would kill him._

_“You’re my best (_ no, Eren _) friend.” Eren's heels send another rock clattering over the edge._

_And then the parrot says, “Do you trust me?” Armin smiles._

_Eren flinches._ Why is it talking? Armin didn’t say that! I thought it was supposed to just copy him, _he thinks. And in the next second, the bird is on Armin’s other shoulder. He hadn’t closed his eyes but he couldn’t track its movement._

_It whispers in his ear, “Let’s go together, Eren.”_

_Eren screams and jumps to the side, slapping the parrot off his shoulder. It takes to the air in a flurry of black feathers, effortlessly circling back to hover over Armin, who is looking drained and ill. The colour is gone, except for his bright yellow hair and glowing blue eyes, and his face is gaunt._

_“I couldn’t reach you.” Eren can’t figure out which one said it this time._

_The bird seems to grow larger, its hooked talons reaching down to grab onto the back of Armin's collar. It lifts him up with a few powerful beats of its wings, just as the ground opens up underneath him like a giant maw. Eren is frozen, watching as Armin hangs under the bird like a ragdoll, making no sound or protest. His throat is dry and his eyes are burning._

_He can’t look away._

_Fire crackles up out of the pit in front of him. The last of the red bleeds out of the bird’s wings, dripping onto Armin to recreate the image Eren had only glimpsed before. He stretches out a hand, but recoils when he sees that it’s see-through. Like a ghost._

_“You can’t reach me,” Armin's voice says in stereo._

_And then it drops him._

 

Eren's eyes are open before he is even aware of what he’s seeing. Although his mouth is open, he doesn’t think he’s made a sound before waking up. His heart is pounding and there’s a lump in his throat that he has to swallow around. He doesn’t know how to describe what that nightmare has made him feel. Words are failing him.

 

 _Is that what I get for thinking of Armin before falling asleep?_ The beginning of the dream is already lost to him, forgotten in the concern over the ending. He stares at his palms, clenching them into tight fists to prove that they’re real and solid. He pulls on the cord around his neck to bring out his key and presses it to his lips. As he thinks of other things to calm down, the rest of the dream drifts away too, leaving behind nothing but distress. Without parents or friends to turn to, he can only rely on himself for comfort.

 

But Eren is painfully lonely. His heart is full of holes.

 

He curls up and waits for his breathing to go back to normal. Voices drift into his room, quiet but clear through the speaker.

 

“Now don’t make a fuss, Levi, you _knew_ this was coming.”

 

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. You’re shit at being subtle anyway.” Levi sounds irritated as usual.

 

“Hiding it from you was supposed to be part of the fun, but you ruined it! C’mon, I want to celebrate your birthday and make you happy because you don’t like being stuck down here. I even listened to you and didn’t buy any presents.”

 

“I said I didn’t want _anything_ , and yet there’s still a cake in front of me, shitty four-eyes. And when you disappeared on Christmas Eve, the first thing that came to mind was that you’d gone out to get me something stupid last-minute, but instead you come back with a werewolf of all things and don’t even have the decency to look guilty about it.”

 

“Call it my gift to myself! So are you actually mad it wasn’t something for you? You should know I’m more organised than to shop the day before. I _needed_ Eren to be here so I went and got him. Simple! So are you gonna be a party pooper at your own party or what?”

 

Eren shifts a little out of his foetal position so that he can see past his knees and into the main room. He’s just in time to see Levi shrug Hanji's hands off his shoulders where he sits at the head of the dining table. True to his words, a small cake is set before him, a handful of candles already burning on top of it. In the dimmed lighting, the glow from the tiny fires appears even warmer. Eren watches them flicker with half-lidded eyes, relaxing into the mattress.

 

“This isn’t a party, four-eyes,” Levi grumbles.

 

“Ah! You’re right, it’s not a proper party just yet. But if you were just a little bit more patient you would have found out that I was just about to sing, so don’t jump the gun!” Hanji is giving Levi a dazzling smile, to which Levi looks back with eyes a little wider than normal.

 

“Don’t sing.” Hanji is already clearing their throat, making a show of getting ready. “Don’t fucking sing, four-eyes.” They’re humming a mock scale now. Eren notices that they skip a note on the way down. “Hanji, I swear to god I will—”

 

“Happy birthday to you,” Hanji begins, and on the first note Eren sees the closest thing to horror flash by on Levi's face, “Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to Levi!” They drag out his name for much longer than necessary; Levi himself looks incredibly uncomfortable the whole time. “Happy birthday to you!”

 

“I should kill you for that,” Levi says, frowning heavily, “your voice is just as bad as I remember. I’ve taken shits smoother than your singing.” Eren isn’t quite sure what to make of the comparison, but he does agree that Hanji's rendition of the well-known song grates too hard on the eardrums to be pleasant. However, he admits to himself that Levi's face had made it more entertaining for some reason, even from far away.

 

“Geez, grumpy, it’s the thought that counts, right. Especially when it comes to you, since you don’t want material presents. Now, blow out the candles! And try not to look to homicidal in the pictures, please.” Levi sticks his middle finger up at them in what Eren gathers is meant to be a rude gesture, but Hanji doesn’t take any offense. He keeps it there when they bring out the camera to document Levi extinguishing the flames in a single puff of air, clapping when it’s over. “Did you make a wish?” Levi mutters something under his breath in response, and is then forced to cut the first slice.

 

The two humans sit together to eat the dessert. Hanji is already cutting themselves a second slice while Levi takes small bites of his own.

 

“This is good! Do you like it?” Hanji asks with their mouth full. Levi's nose wrinkles in disgust.

 

“Fuck off,” he replies, but puts another piece of cake in his mouth right after. Eren wants to know how Hanji can tell whether he’s being serious or not when his expression hardly changes, but then thinks that they might simply behave the same way regardless of how Levi acts. They’re certainly not afraid of his death threats.

 

“Yeah, yeah. Merry twenty-fifth birthday, Levi.” Because their back is facing Eren, he can’t see Hanji's face, but their voice has softened considerably. Levi looks at them for a moment, his face blank, before looking down at his plate.

 

“Shut up, four-eyes.”

 

Eren watches them finish eating in silence, surrounded by an atmosphere of contentment that he hates himself for envying. To see humans acting like this together makes it hard to picture them as the ruthless monsters that he knows they are. But this can’t be an act. They don’t even know he’s awake and eavesdropping on them. He feels physically and mentally drained so falling asleep again would be a blessing, but the thought of having to endure another nightmare makes him want to stay awake for a week.

 

They do the washing up together, Levi at the sink and Hanji beside him with a towel, and the scene is so domestic that Eren's chest clenches. It’s not perfect – Levi insults Hanji's technique more than once, to which they playfully nudge him with an elbow, and then tells them to “piss off” when they start humming the tune to ‘Happy Birthday’ horribly off-key – but there’s none of the infuriating bravado that he’s witnessed in other human interactions. He’d thought that the arrogance was a necessary part of all communication, and when they weren’t threatening to kill him, all talks had to be about territory and power balances. _It sounded like they had too many Alphas fighting over the same thing_. Not once had he seen any of them have a cordial conversation. Once again, Eren is having to re-evaluate his perception of things.

 

_If this is what human friendship looks like, then we might not be so different._

 

But two out of dozens barely means a thing. Levi and Hanji could be outcasts, anomalies in the population. He finds himself _wanting_ to believe that they’re not all monsters, just like how he’d told his mother he’d be safe when he was little.

 

_“The bad people won’t get me, Mama, I’m too strong! Me and Armin are gonna go explore and I’ll protect him,” Eren says, eyes sparkling._

_“Yes, you’re my big strong boy, and you’re growing up so fast.” His mother turns from the stove to put a hand on his cheek and look him in the eye. “But you absolutely must not leave the village, for any reason, okay?”_

_“But Mama—”_

_“I mean it, Eren. It’s too dangerous.”_

_“… Yes, Mama.”_

 

He had been naïve, as all children are. He’d thought he was indestructible, ready to take things on head-first no matter what it was, because as long as you fight hard enough, there’s no obstacle too large to overcome. But then he’d seen how fragile life is, regardless of whether that life is completely innocent or not. And he’d known that before but this time it was kind people who never deserved to die being murdered all around him. He was hunted and imprisoned, and his survival instincts kicked in and his innocence was destroyed.

 

But Eren wants to believe again. Hanji and Levi are already showing him what he’s been missing. He wants to imagine that he’ll make it out of his cage, because he can’t give up hope.

 

He’s not dead yet.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that the beginning is very wordy, I don't know how that happened but I didn't want to delete it. I think my dislike of writing dialogue struck again orz
> 
> Is it weird that I had fun writing the nightmare? I did it all in one go and just kept thinking to myself 'what about if I add this?' and there's no limits in a dream so the answer was yes. Before I knew it it was over 1000 words of the chapter oops. I want to stress that this is NOT going to be a horror fic though!!! Read 'Augenfresser' or 'House of Echoes' for that :)
> 
> Also a bit of levihan brotp moment and headcanon that Hanji sings badly~
> 
> Let me know what you thought, if you want :3


	7. The Fireworks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Can you believe that I was having trouble with writing the beginning of this chapter and thought it would end up short and crappy? I had to spend time outlining the order of certain events for the whole story, and it gave me doubts on where I was even going with this part, but then this chapter has ended up being the longest so far by at least 1100 words! Thanks for all the love, it keeps me going <3
> 
> I'm going to sleep straight after posting this because I need to wake up early since I'm going on holiday. I'll be gone until the 30th, and even though I've been promised wifi I don't know how reliable it will be so updates might have to wait for a week. BUT I should hopefully have time to write in the evenings so I might be able to get a buffer on the next chapters :)
> 
> Because of rushed packing (I procrastinated) and the unexpected length, I've only edited this one and a half times, so I apologise for any errors. Another trigger warning needed for a panic attack, sorry about that...

 

The next day – and Eren knows it’s been a whole day only because Hanji greets him with a cheery “good morning” again – is less eventful than the first. Last night, Hanji and Levi had stayed in the main room for a while longer after cleaning up, so Eren had kept pretending that he was asleep. But at some point it had stopped being an act and he’d actually nodded off again, to his surprise. If he had had any other dreams then he doesn’t remember them, so he’d woken up naturally, which was a relief.

 

Hanji continues to ask him questions when they sit at the window for hours, and he continues to keep his mouth shut. He loses interest quickly, sometimes preferring to watch Levi move from room to room and make drinks for himself, and sometimes preferring to close his eyes and daydream.

 

He takes his time while bathing, trying out a different soap than the day before just because he can. Being able to fully immerse himself in hot water does wonders for his muscles, which he massages as best he can and stretches while they’re warm.

 

The most important thing is that he is given more food. Another bread roll is given to him a short time after waking up, which had a harder crust than the first but was just as delicious, and a bowl of warm vegetable soup later on at what he assumes is dinnertime. He had watched Hanji make it, almost certain that he wouldn’t get any since the bread was already a luxury item. But sure enough, they’d called Levi and then wandered over with two portions. Eren turns away from them to eat so that they won’t see the delighted expressions he’s having trouble hiding, and restrains himself from licking the bowl clean when he’s finished, even though he really wants to. He wishes it could be like this daily.

 

And someone out there must have been listening to him, because the third and fourth days are the same. He isn’t starved for a whole day like he had been in the past, realising that he doesn’t end up feeling hungry for long before Hanji brings him something. They stay by the glass, and it almost feels like they’re having a meal together in the evenings, but he dismisses any feelings of being well looked after.

 

In fact, now it’s him who isn’t taking very good care of himself. After a sudden spell of light-headedness hits him when he gets out of a hot bath on the third day, he resolves to drink more water more often, guessing that it’s simple dehydration that’s making him dizzy. The good thing is that his bruises are all fading nicely, no longer marring his skin with ugly colours. His nightmares disrupt his sleep more often than he’d like, but they’re back to being the common ones full of darkness, where he’s usually shackled and boxed in by unbreakable walls. He can handle those just fine; his heart rate still picks up but his head isn’t left spinning, he mainly just feels kind of empty. When he dreams that he had been kicked in the face so hard that a tooth comes out, and then the rest follow and he’s left with nothing but his gums, he gets back into the habit of brushing his teeth twice every day.

 

He notices that Hanji's upbeat attitude can improve his mood a little, after he jolts awake on the fifth day to see them passing by the glass with a book in hand. He’s still sleeping on top of the covers, so they can easily see when his leg jerks and his hand comes up in front of his face as if to shield himself from a blow. They stop and greet him like always, not minding the fact that his eyes are wild and his chest is heaving, and it brings him back to reality much quicker than he could’ve done on his own.

 

“Good morning, Eren! You’re awake a little earlier today.” They glance at their watch and raise their eyebrows. “It’s only just gone half five. Which also means that I got less sleep than I thought, too.” They chuckle and shake their head, obviously not that bothered by this news, and walk off to the sofa to read. Eren listens to them flick through the pages for a while. He runs his fingers through his messy hair, and then drops his head into his hands, closing his eyes and breathing deeply.

 

_Why do I feel better when they talk to me? It’s not like I feel safe here or want to listen to what the humans say. So why?_

 

He’s still sitting bent forward on the bed when Hanji delivers breakfast. His beloved bread roll is there, so he’s already feeling a little happier, but the plate also holds something extra. Hanji has given him an apple, even being kind enough to go so far as to slice it for him. His tired brain is working too slowly, and so he doesn’t even think about stopping himself from rushing over and putting a whole piece in his mouth.

 

The taste of sugar hits his tongue first, followed by a lovely tang when he bites down. It’s been so long since he’s had anything that isn’t savoury that he moans at the flavour. This feels like a natural high, and he doesn’t hesitate to eat another piece once he’s swallowed the first. The bread is hard on the outside, but still fluffy on the inside, and when he takes a bite out of it at the same time as a third slice of apple, the juice from the fruit makes it taste wonderfully sweet. He hums with pleasure at the combination.

 

Eren is halfway to finishing before his mind catches up with him, and he halts mid-chew as he becomes aware of what a spectacle he’s making of himself. He’s eating with far too much eagerness for it to not be embarrassing. Cheeks heating up just a little, he lifts his head to see Hanji looking at him in bewilderment, book still in one hand with a finger holding their place. He doesn’t like that they’ve seen him behave this way, making silly little noises over such simple food. But on the other hand, he really is grateful that Hanji has treated him to this, so he’s willing to do one small thing in return. He swallows his mouthful and clears his throat awkwardly.

 

“Thank you, Hanji.”

 

There’s a loud _thud_ as the book drops to the floor, making Eren flinch. Hanji stares at him for a moment as if he’d spoken another language, and all Eren can think is _this is it, I did the wrong thing, this will be my last meal and I won’t even get to finish it._ He had tried to sound as sincere as possible, tried to convey a feeling other than hatred or resentment to a human, and this is what he gets? Cradling the plate of half-eaten food to his chest, he watches warily for Hanji's next move.

 

Suddenly, they let out a high-pitched squeal. A manic grin spreads on their face and they start jumping up and down on their toes.

 

“Levi! Levi!! Levi Levi Levi _Levi!_ ” Hanji is so loud that Eren wonders if you could hear it all the way in the cabin on the surface. They run to Levi's door, but stop halfway and bounce on their heels a few times before turning back around and running back over to the window to keep watching Eren. They call for Levi once more without turning their head.

 

“What?! Do you have to be so noisy about _everything_?” Levi appears, obviously in a bad temper judging by his raised voice. _That definitely doesn’t make me feel any better._

 

“Levi, he- I was- and then he-” Hanji seems to have so much to say that they can barely string three words together. They gesture wildly with their hands, still unable to keep still. Levi's frown gets deeper, thin eyebrows pulling together over sharp eyes as he looks at them fumbling to answer. He crosses his arms and Eren eyes the tense muscles with worry.

 

“Get _on_ with it, shitty four-eyes.”

 

“You _missed it_ , Levi! It was wonderful! Eren _spoke_ to me again and- Wait! Where is my notebook?!” Levi relaxes the furrow in his brow slightly when he hears that it’s nothing serious, rolling his eyes in annoyance. Eren releases the tension in his body with a short exhale, hearing no talk of torture or punishment. _So that gleam in their eyes means they’re happy? If Hanji is looking for their notebook then that just means they want to write, which is completely harmless_.

 

Hanji pats their pockets but come up with only a pen, and they make a frustrated sound when they have to tear themselves away from the glass to search in the other room. “Have you seen it anywhere?”

 

“How would I know where it is?” Levi as gone back to his usual monotone. “If you cleaned up your mess once in a while then you wouldn’t have this problem.” Just as he says this, Eren hears something hit the ground in Hanji's room.

 

“Now is not the time, Levi! I _need_ it! And I know where everything is, it’s just been… misplaced somewhere while I was reading other things.” There’s another crash, this time something heavier. “Help me, Levi!”

 

Levi's bored eyes slide over to Eren, and he looks back questioningly, ears turned down a little. The man almost looks like he’s expecting him to do something, as proof of what Hanji was saying perhaps. But then he simply lifts a hand to rub at his temple and says to himself, “We already know you can speak. If talking makes them behave like this then they’ll probably shit themselves over something more.”

 

He sighs and walks away, leaving Hanji to continue searching alone. Eren feels safe enough to pop another slice of apple in his mouth. He does a better job of stifling his noises this time.

 

+++++

 

It turns out that Hanji's notebook was under their camera, which had been somewhere in their room. “I knew it would be there,” is what they say when they finally find it, many minutes after Levi has left, followed by, “Ah, I should’ve taken a picture too!” Eren doesn’t say anything again despite their insistent prodding, but he does nod once at them when they take the empty plate away. The pleading look they had in their eyes was difficult to ignore completely, plus Eren's good mood had come back as he filled his stomach. And so, they write whatever they needed to write, grinning the whole time, and return to the book they had dropped on the floor.

 

Eren feels more awake for the rest of the day compared to any of the others, but after taking a bath he has no other outlet for his energy. He is fidgety, which is unwelcome but not uncommon. He has shifted positions around the room countless times by the time dinner comes around. It looks like soup again, made by Hanji as usual, but Eren can tell it’s not the same as the one he’s been eating previously as soon as he smells it. The fragrance is richer, and his mouth waters instantly.

 

Hanji has cooked chicken broth, with actual pieces of chicken in it. Eren inhales reverently before tasting his first spoonful. Fruit and meat, two things that have been off the menu for years, are available once again. And both in the same day, no less.

 

“I thought it would be a good time to add protein to your diet,” Hanji says, smiling gently after noting his awed expression. They eat at the table with Levi instead of at the window, and Eren unconsciously sits in a position that allows him to watch the two of them. What he hears of their conversation is mundane, with Levi mostly giving one word responses to Hanji. He concentrates most on memorising the taste and texture of the meat he’s eating. It warms him up from the inside.

 

But he can’t help but wonder if they are bribing him for something they’re planning later on. He falls asleep normally, and dreams that he is taking a nap in his old kitchen; there’s a collar around his neck, but it’s sunny outside. The next day, he opens his eyes lazily and doesn’t move from his spot for a long time. It’s his pressing need for the toilet that finally gets him off the bed. Nothing interesting happens. Levi cleans the kitchen for an hour or two, only for Hanji to go back in the evening and make a mess of several pots. They don’t make Eren do anything in exchange for food, so he thanks them quietly again. He naps most of the day, but the food is still worth his attention.

 

Apples are important.

 

+++++

 

On the morning of the seventh day, Eren is troubled by thoughts of how it’s only been a week – the new routine with set mealtimes helps him to keep track of time much better – but he’s sure that he’s never settled into a new place so quickly. Well, not the place as a whole. His paranoia about being abused out of nowhere is still present, but he realises that it is easier to push it to the back of his mind while he’s eating. And the bath makes the perfect haven as long as he doesn’t let himself sink too low, physically or mentally. He’s comfortable in his clothes, and he’s never cold, or hungry, or left in the dark anymore.

 

He’s afraid of things going horribly wrong soon. But Hanji still smiles at him, and Levi only threatens them and not Eren. Last night he had slept all the way through until morning. If this improvement in health continues, if he can feel lively and alert every day, then he might be able to start thinking seriously about escaping and being able to survive on his own.

 

 _But_ only _if nothing bad happens._

 

Breakfast is a dry bowl of cereal, since Hanji says they’ve run out of bread that isn’t stale. Eren had noticed that they’d been getting a little harder each day, and yesterday Hanji had heated it up before giving it to him so that it would be a bit softer. Eren would have eaten it either way; he’s had worse before. Cereal is fine, which he indicates to Hanji with a nod of his head.

 

“Actually we’re running low on some other stuff too, a few staple items that we need,” they say with a finger on their chin.

 

“Well we were _supposed_ to do a restock at the same time as finding the werewolf Pixis told us about and kill two birds with one stone,” Levi says flatly from his place on the couch. Hanji pouts at him. This topic has come up a few times already in the past few days.

 

“Okay then. We’ll go back out to the closest town this week just to shop, no problem. Don’t worry, it’s not like we’re gonna starve.” Eren winces at how casually they say the last part, because _of course_ it’s not normal to starve, yet he has had to suffer through it more times than he can count. Being so empty that it feels like your stomach is going to cave in and being in so much pain that you end up dry heaving is something that Hanji has never experienced, he bets.

 

“Besides, there’s one thing I _know_ we still have plenty of… alcohol!” Levi scoffs at Hanji's exuberance, taking a sip out of his cup. Eren rarely sees him sitting out in the main room without one, but he doesn’t know what it is that he’s constantly drinking. “Don’t be like that, Levi. After all, it’s New Year’s Eve tonight! We have to properly celebrate the end of two thousand and thirteen!”

 

“What?” Eren blurts out the word without thinking, voice cracking slightly. He snaps his mouth shut when he realises.

 

Hanji's eyebrows are nearly touching their hairline they’ve shot up so much. Alternatively, Levi is frowning at him, eyebrows pulled down. Eren wonders if he’s angry that he interrupted their conversation. Then Hanji's face lights up and they clasp their hands together in front of their chest.

 

“Eren! Oh, Eren! You didn’t know?” The notebook is suddenly in their hands as if it appeared there by magic. “Tomorrow it will be the first of January, twenty fourteen.”

 

 _So I did hear them correctly. Of_ course _it’s the end of the year. I know that it’s December. I mean, they were kind of celebrating Christmas on that first day. But what date is Christmas again? I can’t remember what Armin told me about the human holiday. It’s been seven days so… wait how many days are in December again?_

 

Eren sets his empty bowl down beside him and looks at his lap, processing this information. “Twenty fourteen,” he breathes, ears drooping. _Can it really have been that long?_

 

“You really didn’t know?” Hanji asks again, quieter and with their eyebrows pulled together in concern. Eren looks up at them and shakes his head. Behind them, Levi is watching and listening closely, cup set aside. “The attack on Shiganshina happened on April fifteenth, two thousand and ten. That’s over three and a half years ago, Eren,” they say, checking their notes. “So that means that if you were taken then it’s—”

 

They stop and they lift their gaze from the page when they hear Eren's sharp intake of breath to see the boy close to tears. He had been trying to keep track, but hearing someone confirm it had felt like a punch to the chest. He squeezes his eyes shut and brings his tail around to his front so that he can cling to it. _Stupid! You knew this, so why are you getting so worked up? It doesn’t matter how long it’s been. You’ve survived!_ Eren berates himself in his mind. He takes a deep breath and digs his fingers into soft fur. When he opens his eyes again, Hanji looks like they don’t know what to do.

 

“Eren,” they say tentatively, trying not to upset him further, “how old are you?” This is a question that they’ve asked many times before, usually near the start of any conversation where they are looking for information. Eren thinks that he shouldn’t ignore them this time, not when they look so worried and he’s the one who inserted himself into their talk for once.

 

“One hundred and ninety-six,” he says, completely certain.

 

It’s not the answer Hanji, or even Levi, was expecting, and it only serves to confuse them. “Uh, what do you mean one hundred and ninety-six?”

 

“One hundred and ninety-six moons,” Eren replies, not expecting to have to repeat himself. Hanji is supposed to be smart after all, he shouldn’t have to explain it.

 

“Oh! You count using the lunar cycle? Is that important?”

 

“Of _course_ it is because—” Eren cuts himself off. Hanji is leaning forward expectantly, waiting for him to continue, but he doesn’t want to reveal too much.

 

“I see. Well, it would take me a while to figure out and double check the maths right now so I suppose the better question is, when is your date of birth?”

 

“March thirtieth, nineteen ninety-eight.” Hanji's pen is moving instantly to write it down.

 

“So you’re fifteen years old then,” they say, half to themselves, as they nod their head. “And this means you were twelve when the attack happened.”

 

“Just a kid…”

 

Levi's voice is unexpected, since he’s been quiet so far, and Hanji turns around to look at him. Eren watches as they have one of their silent communications with just their eyes, still stroking his tail. Their faces look serious.

 

“Ah… thank you, Eren. Are you okay?” Eren nods in response, but the movement is jerky and awkward. Hanji looks like they don’t believe him but they say nothing more and just nod back at him. Eren stands and opens his mouth, thinking of saying something like “excuse me” before he turns away, but the words stick to his tongue. So he shuts his mouth and retreats to the bathroom mutely.

 

He hears Hanji and Levi start talking again in low tones before he closes the door.

 

+++++

 

Eren makes a mental note to never take his bath right after breakfast ever again. It leaves too much empty time in the middle of the day, which he is finding hard to occupy. Levi and Hanji had broken apart from their discussion when he exited the bathroom, where he had been for at least an hour. The huge space of time between whenever that was and dinner passes meaninglessly.

 

Hanji still glances at him briefly when they pass by, suddenly seeming a lot busier than they have been the past couple of days. Levi stays in the main room but keeps out of their way, on the couch with a refilled drink. Eren catches himself staring for too long at the way he holds his cup, even though he’s already seen it every day up to now and had dismissed it as a simple quirk. His boredom makes the unusual way Levi puts his hand above the opening and grips the rim of the cup with his fingertips, ignoring the handle, very fascinating for some reason. When he snaps out of his daze, minutes later since his mind was wandering, he instantly knows that Levi is aware of his gaze and probably has been for a while. He feels embarrassed even though the man appears to have elected to ignore him.

 

After that incident, he chooses to lie on his back on the bed with his eyes closed and organise his thoughts. He drifts in and out of a dream-like state for what must be hours until he hears Hanji come out of their study to cook dinner. He’s surprised that they’ve been keeping an eye on the time despite working hard; he’s already been able to surmise that Hanji is the type to get caught up in whatever they’re doing and forget what’s around them. He eats with gratitude and is able to thank them more naturally when he’s done.

 

Hanji starts drinking soon after the meal is over, turning on the television and handing Levi his own glass of alcohol. Eren stares in wonder at the marvel of the wide screen, having never seen such incredible technology before. Even though he has to watch at an angle, the size means that he’s not too far away to see if he goes close to the glass. The first thing playing is a show that Eren can’t understand but pays attention to anyway, but Hanji soon switches to a different one with a lively host and bright colours.

 

As he watches, the show progresses through various examples of how humans like to entertain each other. Most of the performances aren’t anything too different from what werewolves find enjoyable – music and dancing of many styles are popular – but the humans use more coloured lights and stages, with glittery dresses and shiny suits.

 

What really leaves him gaping is whenever the camera switches to a view of the outside, and huge crowds of waving people appear on screen. He’s never seen such a large gathering. The atmosphere is infectious, high spirits and laughter everywhere. Hanji's glass never seems to be empty, although Eren can see them drinking, and they celebrate loudly. Their happiness is palpable even from Eren's room. Levi looks mostly unaffected, not clapping after an act is finished like Hanji and the show’s audience, but occasionally he will make a comment on what’s going on – “They asked that guy to sing? He’s too old and sounds like shit” “All those people must be freezing their balls off standing there for that long, why the hell are they smiling?” “Too much plastic surgery, someone should tell them to stop” – and Hanji will either agree with him, or laugh and slap him on the back.

 

A clock is repeatedly being shown during the course of the show so, for once, Eren is able to keep an accurate measure of time. Everyone talks so much about what will happen at midnight that Eren’s tail is whipping left and right in excitement, even without knowing what exactly it is. He’s too hyper to feel tired at the late hour. He finds out a little later that it will be a large fireworks display when Hanji exclaims that they can’t wait to see it. “They’ve probably been planning it since last New Year’s so it better be fucking good,” Levi remarks offhandedly.

 

Even without the help of the oversized clock showing five to twelve, Eren knows that the main event is soon because the energy on screen is steadily building to a peak. When the countdown begins, he joins in on seven, eyes wide with the thrill of it.

 

He’s only able to enjoy the burst of colour for a fraction of a second before the sound of the explosion reaches his ears. Then it’s not blue, or pink, or green that fills his vision.

 

It’s red.

 

And he’s running through Shiganshina with his ears pressed close to his head as gunshots ring out down every street. His hand is clutching Armin's wrist like a vice to drag him along quickly and Mikasa runs beside him. They pass Armin's grandfather’s house first and the old man crushes his best friend in a hug and desperately calls out to Eren as he sprints away, Mikasa still on his heels. Because his house is just around that corner. His house is _just around that corner._

 

And they pass by bodies lying sprawled on the ground but they can’t stop, he absolutely _cannot stop._ His mother is already waiting at the front door, shouting for him and Mikasa. But at the end of the road is a line of figures, silhouetted by the fire behind them, steadily marching forward, guns raised.

 

Guns fired. One whistles right past him, they’re running again, his mother has him by the arm, and he’s never seen her like this. So terrified. So haggard. So out of breath. So—

 

In pain. She cries out, and it’s the most awful sound Eren has ever heard. She stumbles once, twice, and then doesn’t get up, clutching her leg with shaking hands. They’ve gone far but not far enough, on the edge of the village with the forest in sight. _Why did we have to live so close to the centre?!_

 

 _“Mama!”_ His voice tears at his throat on the way out _._ “Get up! I can carry you, please just get up! Mikasa and I can—”

 

“No, Eren! The bullet has shattered my bone. You two need to run, right now, and don’t look back!” His mother’s amber eyes are begging him and when he grabs her arm she pushes him back forcefully. “Please! Listen to me for once, Eren! Mikasa!”

 

And the girl who has always been so strong, stronger than anyone, is crying and whimpering. “No… No!”

 

“Eren!! Mikasa!! _Survive!!_ ”

 

The gunshots have gotten closer, and Mikasa is the first to see that the monsters are back at the end of the road. And in the next second a black and grey wolf has taken her place, red scarf around its neck and white dress in its mouth. But those large, grey eyes are the same, although they’re full of fear, and now they’re begging him too. The wolf shoves at him and forces him down a nearby alley.

 

But he _doesn’t_ listen and he looks back and he sees the monster clothed in black stand beside his fallen mother, shifted into a beautiful russet wolf despite the pain. And it cocks its gun. And before she can crunch its leg between her teeth,

 

It shoots.

 

“It’s gonna be alright, kid,” a voice says, and he thinks, _why is it that I can see Mikasa’s straight, black hair when she’s a wolf right now?,_ before passing out.

 

+++++

 

Levi has very little interest in the over-the-top production currently playing on the TV. The host annoys him, and the celebrities annoy him, and shitty four-eyes _really_ annoys him. _When did they drink the whole wine bottle?_ He had only decided to stay awake until midnight to see the spectacle that is tax-payer’s money being shot into the sky and blown up in colourful sparks for an excessive amount of time because of them. _They definitely wouldn’t shut up about it for days if I didn’t at least watch_ that _._

 

The festivities drag too much, and the acts are mostly subpar in his opinion, because _any famous person in their right mind would be celebrating at home with their family, not this tacky ensemble_. But Hanji enjoys it, and they’re so loud he wouldn’t be able to sleep or get work done anyway.

 

Even the kid behind the glass is captivated, his large eyes shining as he takes it all in. Levi glances over when he catches movement out of the corner of his eye, only to see that it’s the wolf-kid’s tail wagging rapidly. Even after seeing werewolves and coming to terms with the fact that they’re real, he still isn’t used to seeing one so close, actually moving those ears and that tail without having to think about it. So he looks away, but finds his eyes drawn back over minutes later. The kid is somehow more interesting to watch than any of the performers.

 

He’s still watching him when the countdown begins and comes to an end, which is why he is able to see the twinkle in his eyes die out and be replaced by pure horror as the first firework goes off.

 

“Happy New Year, Le—”

 

He’s barely able to think ‘ _maybe he doesn’t like fireworks’_ before the kid screams, and he’s on his feet in an instant. Because that kind of blood-curdling scream means something worse than simple dislike.

 

“Hanji! Turn it off _now_!” Levi commands as he makes his way over to the holding cell. He’s thankful that they can handle that much alcohol well enough that their reactions aren’t greatly impaired. They follow his order without question, knowing by the tone of his voice that it’s not just him being pissed off at the celebration. The sight and sound of the New Year’s display cuts out, leaving the kid’s shrieking as the only sound in the room.

 

Levi uses his own set of keys to unlock the cell door for the first time and rushes over to where the kid is curled on the floor, hands fixed over the furry ears on top of his head. He takes the kid’s face in his hands and turns him so that they are face-to-face.

 

“Oi! Open your eyes! Hey, kid, can you hear me?!”

 

_“Mama!”_

 

The screaming continues, piercing his eardrums with their proximity. But he doesn’t dare withdraw. The kid isn’t aware right now. He might hurt himself. So instead he gets closer, wrapping his arms around the shaking frame and holding tight as the kid falls apart.

 

“What happened?!” Hanji asks behind him, but he barely hears them.

 

“Kid, you’re okay. You’re right here. No one is hurting you. Open your eyes. You’re safe.” Levi repeats these words in his ear in hopes of soothing the kid, not knowing if he can even hear him. And gradually the screams fade to wails which turn into sobs, and Levi can feel every one rip through the body he’s holding.

 

He pulls back when it’s become a lot quieter to see that the kid’s eyes are open, but are bloodshot and unseeing. Even when he holds his face again, the cheeks under his palms wet with tears, those eyes look past him. And to Levi they look dead, but he can feel a pulse throbbing in the temples underneath his fingertips.

 

Levi hushes him as he gasps for air, changing positions so he can lift the kid up and carry him to the bed in the corner. He’s limp and too light; he can distinctly feel ribs where he holds him around his chest. He lays him down and pulls the covers over him. Hanji comes next to him with a damp wash cloth, and he takes it from them and uses it to wipe the kid’s face, cooling him down a little.

 

“It’s gonna be alright, kid” Levi says, and he thinks he might have heard him this time because those green eyes seem to focus on him a little, before they close and the kid falls asleep. He breathes a sigh of relief.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tiny bit of Levi POV at the end because I felt it was necessary, but I really am less confident at writing him. This fic is teaching me things about my own writing, it's a really good experience, and having you guys enjoy it is a huge bonus :)
> 
> I feel a lot happens in this chapter because of the time skips and couldn't really decide on a title but I'm in a hurry orz


	8. The Mystery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hola from Spain, everyone! It's very hot and sunny, and I'm laughing at my friends back in England having to deal with the rain :)
> 
> So even though I've luckily had some time to write and the wifi here is better than expected, my writing speed on this chapter was super slow which sucked. I'm posting this but I have zero words of the next chapter written out, although my plan for that one is more solid than the one I had for this one. In fact some of the stuff got pushed into next chapter because it was turning out much longer again. I don't really know what I'm doing most of the time, I know the big picture and then have to spend a lot of time on details.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading~

 

Eren groans when he wakes up, instantly feeling how his nose is blocked up, his eyes are swollen, and his throat is sore. He sits up sluggishly and the bedcovers slip down to his waist.

 

_Wait, what?_

 

Getting under the covers when he goes to bed is not something Eren had done. He had made a point of always sleeping on top of them, since he was only using the bed grudgingly in the first place, although now he thinks that that was a childish idea; sleeping under the duvet is very warm and cosy. But this means that someone else had tucked him in last night. _Actually, how did I get here in the first place?_

 

He concentrates on the last thing he remembers. Music, laughing… a countdown, cheering and then—

 

 _Oh._  

 

It all comes rushing back to the front of his mind, but he feels numb and can’t cry at the images. The past… his memories… the sound of the explosions had set him off, blind-sided and vulnerable because he had been feeling so happy just before. In hindsight, he can see why the loud noises had triggered him, so similar to gunshots that he had lost himself unexpectedly. But even when he considers it logically, he can’t help but think that it was an illogical reaction. _It was only on TV, you idiot._ He is hit with a wave of shame, pitying himself for not being able to watch any of the big fireworks display that he had been looking forward to. _Can’t I enjoy anything anymore?_

 

But he still doesn’t remember how he made it from the window to the bed after that. He doesn’t know whether he’s just imagined the feeling of arms around him or if that was actually real. The events of the flashback certainly didn’t end in a hug so it can’t be part of the memory, but he’s still unsure.

 

He makes the bed and then goes to splash cold water on his face, and it helps him to wake up as well as reduce the puffiness of his eyes. He takes a long drink too to soothe his aching throat. When he returns to the room, Hanji pokes their head out of their office to check on him.

 

“Hey, Eren! How are you feeling?”

 

Eren pauses at the question. Hanji being concerned about him first thing in the morning is still a hard thing for him to understand, his brain always fixated on the possibility of them twisting whatever his answer is and mocking him; _if I say something positive then they’ll make my life worse, and if I say something negative then they’ll say I deserve it._ It takes him so long to get his thoughts off that destructive track that Hanji takes his silence as its own response.

 

“I’m sorry we had to cut the celebration short…” Hanji says slowly, and Eren can tell that they’re dancing around the real subject of this conversation. From that sentence, he isn’t sure whether they would voluntarily give him an answer to what happened during the gap in his memory. After all, they have a talent for avoiding questions they don’t like. Either way, Eren would have to build up the courage to bring it up first, and he doesn’t feel confident that he could do that. Right now he doesn’t even know how he could arrange his words so that he wouldn’t come across as weak.

 

“Did you… enjoy what you saw?” Eren tilts his head as he thinks back to the hours before midnight. He knows they’re not asking about what only he had seen, locked in his own mind.

 

“Yes,” he says with two firm nods. He can remember the merry atmosphere before it had evaporated. He had liked it. Hanji's face relaxes and they give him a genuine smile, and Eren realises that they really have been trying to gauge how the night has affected him by gently probing him with questions and watching how he reacts. They’re so pleased that he’s still willing to talk to them, it’s hard for him to understand. He can’t help but feel that their concern is misplaced, but he makes the effort to elaborate to see if he can relieve some more of their worry. “There were lots of things that I hadn’t seen before. It was interesting,” he says, glancing at the ground and then back up, crossing one of his arms over his chest to hold the other elbow.

 

The excited light is back in Hanji's eyes, and Eren himself feels more at ease although he can’t pinpoint the reason why. _It’s just because they’re behaving like I’m used to, right? It’s not like I care, I just want them to be easy to read, predictable. Right?_

 

“You’ll get a chance to see many things Eren, don’t you worry!” Their optimistic words stir something in Eren but he fights it down. After all, he’s not going to get out of here without escaping.

 

“Don’t make promises you might have trouble keeping, four-eyes.” Levi comes over from the kitchen. Eren notices that the dark circles under his eyes seem more prominent today, while Hanji looks the same as always. _Maybe it’s just this lighting. Or maybe Hanji slept better because they were drinking._  His words also seem rather ominous, opposing what Hanji had said and different from the usual blunt statements that Eren has become familiar with. “Your New Year’s resolution should be to work on that. In fact, it should be to take your actual work more seriously.”

 

“I work really hard, Levi, don’t be like that! And my resolution is to read all the books on my bookshelf that I haven’t got round to yet, oh, and all the ones on my wish list, and I’d love to do another dissection soon, it’s been _so_ _long_. Maybe a heart, something I can _really_ get my hands into!”

 

Eren understands the concept of New Year’s resolutions. Turning over a new leaf, his mother would say. It could be a goal you could set yourself, something that you are determined to accomplish in three hundred and sixty-five days, to improve yourself in a certain way from the person you were the previous year. Eren can’t say he understands Hanji's resolution, which sounds like wanting to make heart surgery a continued hobby, but it does make him think of how he wants to hunt again. Preferably not alone but… anyway. Hunting ties in with his big goal, the same one he’s had for forty-five moons, which apparently equals over three and a half years as he now knows.

 

Freedom. That’s what he wants. While Hanji wants to read, Eren wants his life back. Or as close to his previous life as he can get. And this year he’s just as determined to get it as last year, and the year before. Maybe even more so.

 

Thinking about the future also reminds him that his two hundredth moon is coming up. It’s frustratingly close, and Eren can only wish that the time between then and now goes quickly. Waiting is agonising when it’s basically the most important thing he can think of. And patience is a virtue that Eren would reject if he had the choice.

 

He’s pulled out of his thoughts by Levi's long sigh.

 

“I said _actual_ work. You only do whatever interests you at the time. Even now you’re going off on a tangent. Try and stick to deadlines for once.” Levi has a slight frown on his face but it more weary than angry, like the muscles of his face just don’t have the energy to pull his eyebrows together. _He really is tired._ “And you can’t resolve to dissect organs, you like doing it and it’s hardly a challenge.”

 

“Work is work, grumpy. If I’m doing it wrong then how about you tell me what your wonderful resolution is, huh?”

 

Levi's eyes narrow and he averts his eyes from Hanji, to Eren's surprise. When he crosses his arms too, he looks even more closed off. It’s like there’s a dark cloud hanging above him. He purses his lips before answering.

 

“My resolution is to do the job that has been given to me to the best of my abilities. That is all.”

 

There’s a tense air around the man, and for a moment Hanji looks like they’re going to reach out to him, the frown now on their face almost a mirror image of Levi’s. But then their eyes flick to Eren briefly, and their whole demeanour switches back to how it was before.

 

“Boring,” they say, dragging the vowels of the word out like a child and breaking the uncomfortable atmosphere that had settled on everyone’s shoulders. Eren is left confused. _What was that?_

 

Levi huffs and looks up at Hanji, but the slight hunch of his shoulders is still there. Then he turns those tired eyes to Eren for the first time.

 

“Oi, kid. How do you feel?”

 

 _Wait wait wait, he’s talking to me? Actually talking to me? Directly? He hasn’t done that since he cut my hair a week ago._ Eren knows his mouth is hanging open a little so he fumbles to look less dumbstruck and trips over his tongue in his haste.

 

“Y-yes—” _shit,_ “—I mean, uh, fine—” _why am I stuttering?_ “—I- I don’t remember falling asleep though, or how I got to the- the bed…” Eren is mumbling at the end, gripping his arm a bit too tightly. He’s looking at the centre of Levi's chest instead of trying to make eye contact while talking, and hopes that the man can’t see how low his tail is hanging behind his closed legs.

 

“Then that’s fine.” Levi uncrosses his arms and goes to sit down, leaning back into the couch heavily. He rests one of his arms over the back.

 

“The report, four-eyes,” he says, effectively changing the subject.

 

“Later, Levi,” Hanji replies, going back to their study after flashing a quick smile at Eren.

 

+++++

 

The rest of the morning passes like any other, but with less noise from Hanji, who only comes out for food. Eren and Levi sit in joint silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Eren rests cross-legged on the bed, and thumps the back of his head against the wall as he curses himself for looking so stupid when he had been talking to Levi.

 

_We may not have spoken much to each other but there was no need for me to act so nervous. Why did I do that? If I’m not able to stand up to him confidently then I don’t stand a chance later on. Ugh, he just makes me feel so small!_

 

Thinking about the mystery of last night isn’t getting him any answers on his own, so he pushes it to the back of his mind and forces himself not to worry about it before taking his bath. As he takes off his shirt, a faint scent that he doesn’t fully recognise reaches his nose, making him pause. He brings the fabric closer, sniffing around the shoulders where the smell is strongest to try and catch it again. But unfortunately it’s faded – Eren thinks it must have been there for a while – and the smell of the bed sheets and his own scent are masking it to the point where it’s indecipherable.

 

And so, Eren has another mystery, or perhaps this one is more of a clue to the first one instead of a separate occurrence. He’s irritated that he can’t pick out the different scents anymore, no matter how hard he inhales and focuses, and is feeling downhearted that maybe his nose isn’t as good as it used to be. He hopes that years of smelling nothing but mould and cheap dog food hasn’t ruined it completely. He gives up, balling up the shirt and throwing it at the door out of frustration, just to the side of the hamper. Once steam from the hot water and the fragrance of soap fills the air, he has calmed down. He tries not to feel too disappointed in himself. _This time it’s not important. I just need to have more practice again._

 

Years ago, his skill at tracking had been good enough to find Armin no matter where he was in the village. It was handy to be able to find him to hang out when he had already left his grandfather’s house, since Eren would frequently be held back by his mother to do chores. Often he would turn the last corner in a rush because the blond would be surrounded by bullies yet again. Rescuing his friend even when he hadn’t called for help was something Eren didn’t even have to think about, charging straight into the fight with fists flying.

 

Rescuing anyone in need was something Eren couldn’t help himself from doing most of the time, seeing it as the obvious choice of action. His tracking had really come in use when he had had to find Mikasa. The forest comes alive in the evening, and stays that way at night, and he was lucky to have had a fresh trail to follow that hadn’t been washed away by rain.

 

Eren feels like he’s being washed away right now, but in a good way. It’s a new year, and Eren wants to be cleansed from all his doubts and start it in a positive way. It won’t be that easy, but it’s the psychological aspect that he has control over, and he knows that that change has to come from within himself.

 

Once he’s dry and dressed once again, he returns to the bed only to see that Levi hasn’t moved and now has his eyes shut. The slouch of his body and the slow rise and fall of his chest makes Eren think that he’s asleep, but his head is still held upright and forward. He watches the man for a while, noticing how he stays very still other than his breathing, and the muscles of his face have relaxed. But Levi still doesn’t look vulnerable, even now. It’s more like he’s waiting and listening, and just happens to have his eyes closed at the same time. Eren finds himself jealous of the man’s untouchable aura, since it’s something that would have put him at an advantage over the monsters who captured him – he’s not inherently intimidating unless he’s covered in fur and flashing fangs that are over an inch long, even though he’s older now.

 

Hanji walks out a few minutes later, hands moving to redo their ponytail so that it sits closer to the crown of their head but is somehow still just as messy. Levi's eyes snap open the moment they open their mouth to talk to Eren, but he doesn’t move otherwise.

 

“You’re looking well, Eren.” He hums in a vaguely positive way back at them. “Your guardian angel must have been watching over you as you slept last night,” they add with a wink that Eren doesn’t understand.

 

“Stop spouting nonsense or I’ll kick you, shitty four-eyes.” Levi sounds particularly venomous for some reason as he says this, glaring at Hanji. The dark circles under his eyes only add to the effect, and Eren is on guard but Hanji is unfazed. They laugh freely and take up their usual position seated in front of the window.

 

“Somebody’s cranky because he doesn’t have one of his own, hmm?” Levi's glare intensifies but Hanji must not be able to feel it burning a hole in the back of their head. Instead of cringing under the force of it, they turn to Eren and beckon him over with a wave of their hand. Eren hesitates, since they’ve always been fine to keep talking to him no matter where he sits, but complies and moves from the bed to settle opposite them. The grin on their face is positively mischievous. “Hey, Eren,” they stage whisper to him, “Do you believe in guardian angels?”

 

Eren is thrown off by the question since they’ve never asked anything like that before, even though he’d told himself to expect the unexpected when it comes to Hanji. Nothing along the lines of beliefs has ever come up. No one in Shiganshina would talk about angels, except Armin when he was reading. It was all about the pack, the unit, and the trust everyone shared. Individuals lend their strength to the group, and that way everyone thrives. Family is placed above all else. So he shakes his head and they simply say, “I see,” with the grin still in place.

 

Hanji switches to talk about the latest book they’ve been reading but Eren tunes them out once he can’t make sense of a whole sentence. It was a weird question, one that he’s never given much thought to but can’t get out of his head now. Levi had quickly called it nonsense, and he wonders if he agrees with him. Eren knows he can’t believe that anything invisible and angelic has been protecting him ever since he was born; if so, then why hasn’t he been saved from his situation? Relying on something like that is something that Eren can’t do. But he has relied on people before, so does that make them similar? His mother and father certainly watched over him with unconditional love, and while they were together he had thought that nothing could go wrong. The fact that Armin had planted and nurtured the seed of his dream to explore the world makes him very special to Eren, and Eren had fought for Armin as his friend, so does that make them each other’s guardian angels? Eren sees it as what any good friend would do, being there for each other through thick and thin. Mikasa probably wouldn’t mind someone calling Eren her guardian angel for what he did for her, but then she could also take care of them both with her own power. _So then wouldn’t your guardian angel need to be connected to you? And wouldn’t you want to be able to do something in return for them? A loyal bond should be formed, with mutual respect._

 

Eren thinks about it for a long time, trying to come to a conclusion. By the time Hanji brings him dinner – all vegetables tonight, to Eren's disappointment – he still can’t see himself believing in the glowing, winged version of guardian angels that were depicted in one of Armin's books. He thanks them before he begins eating, chewing slowly while still thinking hard.

 

“You’re welcome, Eren.” They’ve left Levi to eat alone at the table while they sit with Eren, but as Eren looks over to him he thinks that the man might prefer it that way. Something has been off about him all day, and Eren doesn’t know whether it can all be blamed on a lack of sleep.

 

“Hey, Hanji… do you believe in guardian angels?” Eren asks quietly, knowing that they’ll give him all of their attention as soon as he opens his mouth.

 

“In a way,” is their cryptic response, paired with a half-smile. Eren frowns since he’d wanted a better answer, although he doesn’t know what that might be. He looks away from their eyes for a few seconds to stare at his plate and move his carrots around with his fork. Then he looks back up and dares to ask one more question.

 

“Do you think people can be guardian angels?” Hanji looks at him for a moment, as if they’re trying to read something in his eyes. He holds their gaze steadily.

 

“Yes, Eren,” they answer, their smile wider and their voice gentle. “Is that what you think?” He shrugs a little.

 

“It’s important… to protect the ones you care about.” He can’t stop his voice from sounding wistful. There’s another short silence. Eren eats some more potato.

 

“You’re right, Eren. It’s very important.” Eren nods and feels better for some reason. He hadn’t thought talking about it would really stop his spinning thoughts, but hearing Hanji say that gives him a sense of validation, like they really are respecting his opinions. They finish the rest of the meal quietly.

 

+++++

 

Levi looks… better when Eren sees him after breakfast, less tired but just as scary. He comes out and only gives Eren a passing glance on his way to put on the kettle. Hanji had been chatty as he ate, but he didn’t feel like talking today. They’d taken it in stride, just like they had the first days. Eren appreciates the how they don’t press him for more considering he’d been a little more open, but still spends most of the day lying on the bed facing away from them.

 

On the morning of the tenth day, he is woken by a loud noise, continuous and insistent. He covers his ears as he sits up to see where it’s coming from, scared and slightly disorientated. The dream he had been pulled out of had taken place in a forest, but now he only sees white walls and… Levi.

 

He’s bent down behind the couch, and the source of the noise sits beside him. Sleek and silver, the vacuum fits well with the modern style of the place, perfectly unassuming despite making such a piercing racket. It makes a much higher pitched sound than the one he remembers his mother using, and now that it’s been going for a few minutes, Eren is quickly starting to get a headache. He takes the pillow from behind him and uses it to cover the top and sides of his head, effectively blocking some of the sound but not all of it. The movement must catch Levi's eye, since he looks over and straightens up.

 

He looks at Eren with confusion – _probably thinking how stupid I look_ – before understanding washes over his face. He presses a button on top of the machine and peace is restored. Eren feels safe to remove the pillow, so he brings it down into his lap. Levi opens his mouth, and Eren thinks he’s going to talk to him again, but instead he calls for Hanji. He ignores the way his heart had already picked up speed in nervous anticipation.

 

They step out of their study with their glasses slipped down to the tip of their nose. Levi bends down and picks up something by his foot while they say, “What do you need, o grumpy one?” He stands up again, targets Hanji with keen eyes, and darts the thing at their head.

 

It hits them directly between the eyes. Eren stares in awe and once again feels jealous of this man he barely knows, with maybe a tiny bit of respect mixed in.

 

“Ow! Levi, how could you be so cruel? After all the times I- hey, is that my pen?” Hanji rubs at the small red spot between their eyebrows as they pick up the offending object. “It is! It’s my favourite one. Ah, I thought I’d lost it forever!”

 

“Quit leaving your shit on the floor, shitty four-eyes. It was under the couch. Now where’s the remote for the microphones, or whatever. I need to clean.”

 

“What does that have to do with cleaning?” Levi gestures to Eren with a tilt of his head. Hanji smacks their forehead with the palm of their hand in realisation, hurting themselves in the process. “Ow again. So does it hurt your ears, Eren? I’d love to run some tests to see how sensitive your hearing is. I’d speculate that you should be able to hear the same range of frequencies as wolves do, rather than the limits of human hearing, which is only as high as twenty kilohertz, but we’ll never know unless you let me—”

 

“I _need_ to _clean_ , four-eyes. Save it.” Levi interrupts them before they get too off track, entirely uninterested in what they are saying.

 

“Yeah, yeah, okay then. It’s a switch not a remote, by the way. Lemme hit it for you.” Hanji places their hand on the wall just to the side of where they’re standing and presses. A square section pops out, revealing a hidden set of switches. Hanji flicks two and then closes it again. If Eren looks closely he can see that this panel isn’t hidden as flawlessly as the one up in the cabin, which used the grain of the wooden walls to blend in. If he looks at it at the right angle, the edges of the panel become more obvious, lines that make a small square on the wall at shoulder height.

 

Having to hear things through the speaker had been a constant annoyance for Eren, although he had gradually adapted to it, but not hearing anything at all is much worse, he finds. Especially when he can see Hanji's and Levi's lips moving but no sound reaches him. Turning off their only line of communication was something which he hadn’t thought was possible, yet it’s as easy as hitting two buttons. Levi must have restarted the vacuum cleaner, since he’s moving around with single-minded purpose, but Eren only hears his own breathing. It makes him uneasy, that his little world can be thrown into forced silence at the whim of the humans.

 

After ten minutes goes by, he thinks he may have preferred to just endure the noise instead of feeling like this. It’s a different kind of isolation than just the physical barrier, to cut off one of his senses. It’s only made lonelier by the fact that he can watch Levi working, only a short distance away, completely unbothered. He knows the man had done it for him – he thinks it is an unexpectedly thoughtful gesture, actually – but now he’s suffering. Eren had thought that he wanted to be ignored, but this isn’t on his terms like it usually is.

 

Even if he chose to talk now, no one would hear him. If he screamed and yelled and cried, it would be the same as if he were invisible.

 

Like he doesn’t exist.

 

The vacuuming must take Levi at least an hour, even though he moves through the rooms in the most efficient way, and in that time Eren has gravitated closer and closer to the window. He had told himself that he didn’t look needy, that he was only pressing his ear against the glass in the hopes of hearing _something_ , and that doesn’t make him needy at all. The fact that he’s still hugging his pillow doesn’t help his image, though. But he has quickly realised that after a week of near-normality, it’s hard to go back to being practically alone.

 

_I want someone to talk to me._

 

He admits it. He knows it’s a problem, and it would be better if he didn’t feel that way, but he admits it. Ears drooping, he rests his forehead on the glass, burying his face in the pillow and taking deep breaths. _It’s probably because I didn’t get enough sleep. I’m just feeling down because I’m tired and it’s not helping._

_I don’t want to be left alone._

 

He sits there, hunched over and suffocating in the oppressive silence. Just as he squeezes the soft pillow a little harder he hears the door opening. It’s such a beautiful sound – at this point, any sound is a beautiful sound to him – and his head immediately shoots up, ears forward, eyes wide and hopeful. It isn’t Hanji, like he’d been expecting, but Levi who stands there with Eren's breakfast in hand. And Eren thinks,  _I was wrong. Even if I can't say anything, Levi would see me. Hanji would be with me._

 

“If you leave a smudge on the glass then you will clean it up,” is all he says before closing the door and going to turn the switches for the microphones. His misery disappears, and Eren is too relieved to feel anything but happiness. He had been listening to Levi's voice itself more than he’d been listening to the words he’d said, letting it lift him back up from his low mood. He’s grateful that Levi hadn’t chosen that time to stay silent.

 

_Thank you._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel bad writing about Eren being locked up underground while I'm five minutes from the beach and the sea  
> Gomen Eren :3


	9. The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Sorry for the wait on this chapter, but it's finally ready. Words were not coming easy even though I knew what I wanted to say. I sat and stared at the screen for hours only writing a few paragraphs. I don't even have the excuse of going back to college, since I still have three more weeks off. This one is the longest so far though, and answers some questions, so I hope you won't be too mad :)
> 
> Also I'm writing a twoshot fic as a change from this, which you can read [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2233104/chapters/4899264)! It has fluff and smut, so if you want more of that then I'd be very happy if you checked it out :3
> 
> And thank you so so much for 200+ kudos!!
> 
> Things get a little heavy towards the end of this chapter so be warned

 

Two more boring days pass, but a boring day means one without problems so Eren doesn’t complain. What he almost _does_ want to complain about is the decrease in the variety of food he’s eating. He mourns the loss of his bread rolls and apples silently, thinking that it was wonderful while it lasted. But perhaps Hanji can sense his dissatisfaction, since they assure him they’re planning to go and get groceries tomorrow. Even Levi makes a gruff comment about how they’re starting to use the emergency canned food supply.

 

All of Eren's unhappiness is momentarily forgotten though, once he sees what dinner is. Hanji rummages around in the freezer and comes out bearing square, flat cardboard boxes that look a lot like pizza packaging, and Eren is getting his hopes up without even realising. He has to wait for the reveal until after they come out of the oven, since Hanji had been in the way while they made the preparations. After fifteen minutes, he isn’t disappointed, as he watches Hanji cut the two steaming pizzas into slices.

 

Eren gets just over half of one, and the smell of the melted cheese makes his stomach growl loud enough for Hanji to hear. They laugh as he blushes faintly, and say, “This isn’t exactly the healthiest, but it’s one way to kickstart some weight gain I guess.” They hand the plate directly to him and he thanks them without taking his eyes off the food. There’s a slice in his hand before they even close the door. It has a thin base and no extra toppings, and the dough is deliciously warm. One bite in, he marvels at the flavours on his tongue and how stretchy the cheese is. He tries not to make a mess and pulls at the stubborn string until it breaks. It can’t compare to his mother’s homemade version, where he would be allowed to knead the dough and help spread the tomato sauce and arrange the toppings, but it’s still very tasty. The thought isn’t upsetting, just pleasantly nostalgic; he’s glad he hasn’t forgotten the little things like that.

 

He eats so quickly that the last slice doesn’t even have time to cool down, licking his lips and the tips of his fingers afterwards with a contented smile. Hanji and Levi are going at a more normal pace, slowed down further by Hanji’s need to chat. They stop their lecture about how tides work – Eren had only started listening because they mentioned the moon multiple times – when Levi pushes his plate away with a sudden scraping sound. Eren notices that he’d been using cutlery, unlike Hanji and himself.

 

“What’s wrong, Levi? Are you not hungry?” Hanji asks, lowering the piece they’d just been about to put in their mouth.

 

“No. And you know I can’t stand the grease. You can have it.” Levi pushes his chair out from the table and goes to stand up. Hanji purses their lips and thinks for a second, before turning to Eren and smiling that mischievous smile that he had seen before.

 

“Well, if you’re not going to appreciate my cooking then I know someone else who will,” they say in a sing-song voice. Eren can’t tell whether Levi is frowning because of their tone or because of what they are suggesting. He can’t help that he still feels quite hungry and had been giving Levi's abandoned meal a longing look without even realising.

 

“Putting two ready-made pizzas in the oven and then leaving them in there too long because you forgot to check the time they’re supposed to come out does not count as cooking.”

 

“You wound me with your words, Levi,” Hanji says, clutching their chest dramatically with one hand and making a pained expression. Levi watches them blankly, clearly not moved by the performance. When Hanji cracks open one eye to look at him and motions in Eren's direction with their head, he rolls his eyes and turns to walk away. Eren deflates, thinking that he was too selfish, to want more than he had already been given.

 

“Shut up, shitty four-eyes.”

 

Levi looks at Eren briefly, takes in the hopeful puppy eyes that the boy is unconsciously giving him, and then clicks his tongue loudly. With seeming reluctance, he reaches back for his plate and brings it to Eren's door, opening it just wide enough to extend his arm and hold it out.

 

“Here.”

 

Eren's tail starts wagging like that word had flipped a switch inside him, but he instantly fights down the reaction so that only the very end moves from side to side. He carefully takes the offered plate with both hands, purposely going slow so that it wouldn’t look like he was snatching it away and averting his eyes as he does. He does look up at Levi to say, “Thank you,” as sincerely as possible, before quickly looking away again and hearing the door close. Now that the man is gone, Eren does a small happy wiggle where he sits and digs in.

 

With the extra slices from Levi, Eren has managed to eat a whole pizza to himself. He groans as he gets up, belly feeling stuffed to maximum. He washes his hands and drinks some water in the bathroom before going to lie down. On his back is the most comfortable position, so he stays like that to let the food settle, eyes closed.

 

+++++

 

True to their word, Hanji gets ready to leave for shopping the next day after breakfast. Levi waits by the door leading to the cabin and the outside and taps his foot impatiently while Hanji is searching their room for a coat, which turns out to be a different one to the trench coat Eren had seen them wear when they’d met. Levi is wearing a thick jacket, a scarf, and gloves, whereas Hanji just stuffs their hands in their pockets with their keys and turns to go as they are.

 

“Okay, Eren, we’ll be back soon with the goods!” they call out to him as they leave. Eren nods to show that he heard them, and then the door closes and he’s left alone.

 

He waits for a few minutes and then, when he’s more certain that they won’t immediately come back, he goes over to the door and tries the handle. Locked. As he had expected – after all, Hanji had double-checked after taking away his empty bowl earlier – but he grips the handle in frustration anyway. _I had to try._

 

With his first real chance at escape stopped before it could even start, he resigns himself to take his bath as usual. Even if his door had been open, by some kind of miracle, the other one would definitely be locked. He wouldn’t be lucky enough to make it outside. But snooping around the other rooms could have been useful. He doesn’t know what is behind four of the doors leading off the main room. And Hanji's study is sure to hold some interesting information, as long as he would have enough time to search through the piles of papers. He’s never seen the full extent of their mess, but Levi always complains about it so it would probably take him a while.

 

Maybe he’d raid the kitchen for food, too. Just a little snack.

 

He washes and dresses slowly, and walks back out into complete emptiness. Hanji and Levi are still out.

 

It’s quiet.

 

He lies down on the bed and stares at the ceiling. Closes his eyes. Opens them not long after. Gets up and sits on the cream carpet. Crosses his legs underneath him. Stretches them out and then crosses them the other way. Wonders why one way feels more comfortable. Lies back and does twenty sit-ups. Ten, then a short break, and then the other ten. Thinks about doing another set but gives up and spreads his arms and legs out like a star. Rolls over onto his front and does twelve push-ups, six and six. Definitely doesn’t want to do more of those, his arms were shaking. Curls up on his side. Buries his face in the tip of his tail.

 

It’s quiet.

 

It’s awful.

 

He doesn’t know how much time passes. He counts his heartbeats, but when they gradually start to speed up he switches to count his breaths, which he can keep even and regular if he concentrates. There isn’t any ambient noise. When the humans are around, even when they’re not talking they’re making some small sounds, which he picks up on without realising. Turning pages, pen on paper, rustling fabric. There’s none of that now.

 

The other day, when the microphones had been turned off, he thought that the problem was only the disorientating feeling he got from having to watch without hearing. Because he remembers thinking that being fine one second, and then deaf to everything the next, was a dreadful thing to experience. How terrible it had been, to be without his hearing, disabled with the flick of a switch. But now he’s recognising that what he hates is the silence itself. And now his mind is remembering stupid things like how the tap in the basement at Vermin’s would drip every now and then, and although it was annoying, at least it was _something_.

 

 _But why didn’t I feel like this back then? Why can’t I be immune to it anymore?_ Even as he asks himself, he knows the answer.

 

He had associated that place with silence. He expected it. If it wasn’t a ‘presentation night’ then he wouldn’t see Vermin at all. That meant a lot of solitary confinement, encased by metal bars and cement walls.

 

If he describes the previous time he’d spent with ‘Masters’ as hell, then that basement would have to be purgatory. A dark void in which he had been trapped. But he’s been taken away from there now, and even though he’s still with humans, the important part is that he’s never going back. Here, there has always been someone nearby, since two people are living in this space with him. They’ve built this place with comfort in mind, and Eren is happy that that includes his room.

 

He makes use of that comfort now, pulling the duvet off the bed and wrapping it around himself. He sits in the corner of the room by the glass and places himself so that he can watch the door that Levi and Hanji should return through. He hopes they’ll be back soon, for the sake of his own sanity. The pain of loneliness still isn’t easy to bear after all this time. The longer he sits in this silence, the worse he feels. He’s losing control of his breathing with every passing minute. Bringing his knees up and wrapping the covers around his legs, he stares at the door. He starts humming random notes, making up a tune as he goes along, but he’s not very good at musical improvisation. He changes to a nursery rhyme, but it ends up sounding gloomy, so he stops. He doesn’t want to talk to himself; he’s afraid his voice will sound dead to his ears.

 

_They’ll be back soon, they have to be._

 

He stares at the door for another ten minutes, he estimates, but there’s no sign of anyone. He’s been chewing on his bottom lip, but doesn’t notice how hard he’s biting until he tastes blood. He drops his head onto his knees and rocks back and forth. _They’ll be back soon, they’ll be back soon, any minute now._ A sob breaks the silence and seems to echo around the room. Eren uses the fabric clutched tightly in his hands to wipe away the tears running down his face.

 

All of a sudden it’s too much. He pulls the duvet tighter over his shoulders, as if it could hold him together, keep him from breaking. It’s warm inside the soft cocoon but he’s shivering, and his arms are trembling. He cries long enough for a wet patch to form on the sheet in his hand before he finally hears something.

 

A quiet click, and then the door he had been watching so closely opens before and Hanji skips in, arms laden with bags.

 

“Eren! We’re back!” they sing, smiling widely. But their face drops when they see him, and they leave their bags on the ground and rush over to him. “Eren?”

 

 _Finally._ Fresh tears fall from his eyes now, but these are of relief. He never thought he’d be so happy to hear their voice. He doesn’t feel so hollow anymore, his ears twitching at how the plastic bags had rustled when Hanji put them down and at the sound of their footsteps coming towards him.

 

“What’s wrong, Eren? Can you tell me?” Eren opens his mouth to say something, but realises that he is on the verge of hyperventilating, and he’s too busy gasping for air to talk. He hears more footsteps coming through the open door, and then Levi is there, holding more bags than Hanji had been.

 

“Why haven’t you taken these to the kitchen, shitty—” Levi lifts his gaze from the discarded shopping and sees Hanji fussing by the window and a crying werewolf on the other side. “What the fuck?”

 

“I don’t know, Levi, he was like this when I walked in! I didn’t do anything!” Hanji is starting to panic, not knowing the problem and therefore not having a suitable solution, and Eren's eyes are darting between them, distress doubling because Hanji doesn’t have a clue. Levi walks over calmly, shopping forgotten behind him, and pulls on their ponytail to snap them out of it.

 

“Oi, breathe. Both of you,” Levi says and Eren is looking at him with wide eyes, listening but at the same time thinking, _what the fuck do you think I’m trying to do?_ He tries to concentrate, but his head feels light and his mouth is dry. _It’s not working_ , he wants to say, but he’s to the stage of wheezing now. He shakes his head from side to side to tell him without words, and instantly feels dizzy. He’s scared of fainting.

 

Levi gets his attention again, now crouched down near him on the other side of the glass. His face is still blank but he’s watching Eren intently. For the first time, Eren notices that Levi's eyes are grey. “Hold your breath. Count to five, then let it out.”

 

 _Ok, I can do that._ Eren obeys, unable to take a deep breath first but closing his mouth anyway. But he automatically changes to breathe through his nose and can’t figure out how to get his brain to send the signal to stop that, so he lifts one shaking hand out from under the duvet and pinches his nose shut too. He counts to five and then pulls in a lungful of oxygen through his mouth.

 

“Count slower.” Levi frowns at him, rising out of his squatted position. Eren does as he’s told and, after a long minute, the fuzziness fades from his mind. He lets go of his nose and inhales with more control.

 

“What was it, Eren? Are you going to be okay?” Hanji asks, pushing Levi out of the way to take his place closest to Eren. Levi steps back, seemingly unbothered.

 

“I- It w-was—” Eren pauses to swallow thickly “—too quie-et and I ca- couldn’t…” he trails off since his voice is rasping painfully through his throat but Hanji seems to understand from what little he had said. They settle more comfortably where they are, instead of having their weight on their knees like before.

 

“Well, would you like to hear what we bought? They had lots of good price offers so we got plenty. Ah, but first I should tell you about the ride to town because Levi has this thing about the radio and…”

 

Levi chooses that point to walk away and take care of the shopping, not complaining once about having to do it all by himself even though there are more than a dozen different bags. Hanji tells stories of the car journey, and the people they had seen in the store – “This one person looking at ice cream had bright purple hair!” – and told him it was raining outside. Eren listens, watching Levi put things in the right cupboards and feeling steadier the longer they talked.

 

 _They came back_. He snuggles his face into still-slightly-damp fabric, and daydreams of skies filled with grey clouds.

 

+++++

 

“You’ve left it too long. Your deadline has passed, Hanji. Erwin needs to know that the mission was a success. Tell him we have the werewolf.”

 

That evening, dinner is postponed, since Levi stops Hanji from cooking in favour of talking. Eren doesn’t mind too much. He doesn’t feel particularly hungry, even though he had fallen asleep on the floor, nestled in the corner with his bed sheets, and missed lunch. Hanji said they didn’t want to wake him.

 

He hadn’t known what to say in response.

 

“I know. I’ve already sent him a message actually, so you don’t need to tell me that anymore.” Levi raises his eyebrows a fraction in disbelief. “I’m serious, Levi! I did it! Erwin should get back to me soon.”

 

“Fine. At least I won’t have to nag you anymore. Let me know when he does.”

 

“Of course.”

 

Erwin. The name had been mentioned before, more than once. Levi and Hanji seem to need his approval on things, yet they are independent enough to watch over him without Erwin physically being here. Eren is pretty sure only the two of them stay here, after two weeks without change. He doesn’t know whether this Erwin person knowing about him is a good or bad thing. _I guess I’ll just have to wait._

 

Eren eats all of his rice and chicken and carrots later on, not telling Hanji that his appetite is basically non-existent. They tell him that they are going to put him on a specialised diet, so that he can recover properly and get back to a more suitable weight for his height and age.

 

When he comes out of the bathroom after brushing his teeth, Hanji and Levi are sitting on the couch with hot drinks.

 

“Erwin says he’s coming in two days, on Thursday.” Levi clicks his tongue.

 

“He’s making us wait, but fine. Did he say anything else?”

 

“No.” Levi nods and says nothing more. Eren goes to bed feeling worried, about both the things he doesn’t know and the little that he does. _Maybe I can get some answers._

 

It takes him a long time to drift off, and then he tosses and turns all night.

 

+++++

 

Eren wishes he didn’t feel anxious, wishes he could lock away that feeling away and loosen the knots in his stomach. But he can’t. So he sits on the bed with his back leaning against the wall and tries to deal with it.

 

Hanji is in activity limbo, sitting and waiting for Erwin to arrive. Levi is busying himself washing up the dishes from breakfast, and Eren notices that he is working slower than usual. The day before, he had been cleaning again, wiping down all the surfaces and putting away any books that Hanji had left lying around. Hanji had brought half of them back out by dinnertime.

 

No one talks as the minutes tick by. Hanji turns to look at the door just before it clicks, like they had a premonition it would open in the next few seconds. Eren scoots to the end of the bed and leans forward in order to see.

 

“Erwin,” they greet with a small smile, hopping up and going over to the man who enters. He’s tall and broad shouldered, with neatly combed blonde hair and a strong jawline.

 

“Nice to see you didn’t forget the code to get in after not being here for so long, Erwin,” Levi says bluntly, coming over from the sink.

 

“Did you expect any less from me, Levi?” Erwin’s voice is deep and friendly as he looks from Levi to Hanji. “So there were no problems I take it?”

 

“None. Verman didn’t recognise me, and the act was believable. He did seem very pleased for me to take him.”

 

“But you went without Levi?” Erwin’s voice is simply curious, not accusing in the slightest.

 

“Yes. I took initiative. Time is of the essence after all, wouldn’t you say?”

 

“Indeed. This lead needed chasing as quickly as possible. I regret that we had to leave it this long in the first place. It’s fine this way. I wouldn’t have been able to get away from work until now either way.”

 

“Stop wasting time now and let’s get this over with,” Levi cuts in. Erwin glances at him, then to where Eren sits.

 

“Right. Straight to business as usual, Levi.” Erwin gives him a pleasant smile and follows Levi over to the window. Hanji brings two chairs over for themselves and Erwin. Levi looks like he prefers to stand on Erwin’s other side, arms crossed. Erwin thanks Hanji, the view of his profile showing off the straight line of his nose, and the two sit down. Eren straightens his back and looks guardedly at Erwin when he talks.

 

“Hello, Eren. My name is Erwin Smith. I trust that Hanji and Levi are treating you well?”

 

Eren distinctly feels the difference between them, with Erwin dressed in a fitted grey suit with a white button-up shirt and a tie that matches his blue eyes while he wears a t-shirt and cotton sweatpants. The man has an approachable aura paired with a commanding presence, and Eren narrows his eyes in distrust. He assumes that Hanji had been the one to tell Erwin his name. _But what is the point in asking me questions like that when I’m locked up because of you?_

 

“Why am I here?” Eren asks calmly, not hurrying his words. The only reason he’s participating at all is because of the possibility that he’ll get the truth. None of the humans look surprised that that is his first question.

 

“I will tell you, Eren, but first there are a few things you should know.” Erwin leans forward to rest his forearms on his knees, hands held together. “We work for the government, in a sector that specialises in defence, mostly. Intelligence about any threats to the country come from us. That’s our job. A lot of it involves gathering data and writing reports, rarely do we need to take action other than communication work.” Erwin pauses to check that Eren listening properly. Eren nods once and waits for him to continue without a word. “However, nearly four years ago there was a situation where part of our sector, the military faction, was mobilised to a remote area for an unknown reason. It was an operation that was declared to be a training exercise, but there were things that didn’t add up. Then, around the same time, the news came in of a tragedy in a small rural town. We couldn’t dismiss it as coincidence.” Eren sucks in a breath, guessing what he is referring to. Erwin’s face turns serious.

 

“Eren. We are looking into what happened at Shiganshina.”

 

Eren’s whole body goes stiff. All three of them are watching him closely. They wait patiently while he processes what he’s heard, but if they want him to say anything to that then he doesn’t think he can. Hanji is the one to speak up next.

 

“The story stated to the public was that a disease outbreak had occurred, a highly contagious and virulent form of flu that had a high mortality rate and was impossible to immunise against. To quell panic in the masses, the whole town was sealed off under quarantine, and they said that a team of specialists and medical professionals were already working on finding and destroying the source.

 

“But they also said that, unfortunately, the entirety of the population of Shiganshina had been affected. No one survived, and the bodies had to be burned so that it wouldn’t spread. It was a big news piece, one that kept being talked about for a whole year. However, no solution could be found and, although the risk of an epidemic had been averted, the town remained sealed off. It still is.” Hanji had looked away from Eren as they talked, staring at a point on the floor instead. Eren is having difficulty breathing, from both sadness and anger. There are tears in his eyes when he looks to Erwin again.

 

“That is- that’s a lie,” Eren says quietly, voice shaking.

 

“We know it is, Eren,” Erwin says, voice even but brow creased. “It’s a cover story, and a good one at that. I don’t know how they managed to get the national news to broadcast it like they did, but the corruption is more widespread than we had first thought. The public never suspected anything different than what they were told. But Hanji and I noticed inconsistencies at work. Reports that came back altered, or bypassed us all together, and dubious activity in the military. They had more power all of a sudden, and even I needed approval for files that I should already have access to. I asked Levi and some of his team to do some poking around on a hunch. He found photos, shocking evidence of what had really occurred in Shiganshina, and the real reason why no one was allowed to get close.

 

“It was a massacre.” Erwin’s grim expression is nothing compared to Eren's, whose face is streaked with tears.

 

“I’m sorry, Eren,” Hanji says sympathetically. He grits his teeth and clenches his fists into the sheets, but doesn’t look away.

 

“Why?” He whispers, voice cracking on the word. His eyes bore into Erwin’s as he speaks stronger. “Why?! Why should I listen to you?! If you work there then you’re just like them! Those monsters… you say you know what they did, but you weren’t there! You weren’t there…” Hanji looks shocked, but Erwin doesn’t move at his outburst.

                                                                                                                              

“We want to know exactly what happened, Eren. It was genocide, attacking your town because of what you are. When they discovered you, they must have presumed you were dangerous, and took extreme action. Our section had no part in it, I assure you.”

 

“Because of what we are?! And ‘dangerous’? My family, my pack… we had lived there peacefully for generations. Shiganshina was our _home_. The adults, and our ancestors, many were born there and died there. So why now? Out of nowhere? And you haven’t told me why I’m here.”

 

“You are the key to making this right, Eren. Our best hope. Nobody knew about the existence of werewolves before then. Something or someone must have led them to you. Instead of reaching out to your community like they should, they set out to slaughter you. This can never be allowed to happen again, if there are others like you out there. There is so much we don’t understand. The answers you can give us could be vital.” Erwin gives him an intense look. “When a colleague of ours, Dot Pixis, who is the head of the second faction, suspected that some of his subordinates were a part of it, he trailed some of his men. That’s how he found out about what Kitts Verman had been doing.”

 

Eren bares his teeth, a growl ripping from his throat and his tail bristling at the mere mention of the name. Hearing that that man had a job, one for the government, one that should be about protection, makes him sick. Hanji speaks tentatively over Eren's growling, cautious but not afraid.

 

“Before then, we hadn’t known that there were survivors. We thought that it had been a complete extermination, so this was new information for us. At that point, early last year, you had already been sold and we couldn’t track you, but we thought that we should start looking for others.”

 

 _Others_. Eren quiets as he remembers what Levi had said on the first night he had been here, that they had found others. _He had said that… that I was in ‘better shape’._

 

“You… did you find them?” Eren asks, eyes pleading, suddenly hopeful even though it hurts to be optimistic. Pain flits by on Hanji’s face, and his heart clenches.

 

“We did but… we were too late,” they say gravely. Eren's stomach drops to the floor, and he stops breathing. His vision goes blurry from the tears in his eyes, the sight of the three in front of him becoming indistinct. “There were eight we found dead, and two who were moved from where our intel said they would be before we got to them; all were children. There was only one who managed to make it here before you, but she passed away two days later. She was much younger than you, and she… she couldn’t keep any food down. We think she had been beaten so badly that her internal organs failed. There was nothing we could do.”

 

Eren wants to tell them to stop talking, that it hurts too much to hear, but the lump in his throat is choking him. He hadn’t wanted to think about what had happened to the people he knew. He had believed for so long that everyone had been killed, that he was going to end up being the only one left. But now part of him thinks he needs to hear it, the cold, hard truth; knowing the facts means less questions without answers floating around in his head. Even more so than before, he wants to punch something, to track down the monsters responsible and tear them limb from limb.

 

He hadn’t known that he could feel this much rage all at once.

 

“Tell me you killed whoever did it,” he snarls, a feral look in his eye. Erwin remains steadfast, and his gaze hardens.

 

“They were taken care of,” he says cryptically. “Unfortunately, there are no laws for werewolf rights in place, since no one knows you exist, and the public would surely react negatively if you were revealed like this. We couldn’t get them for human trafficking, even though that’s essentially what they were doing, so we had to do things under the table.”

 

“I exist!” Eren shouts, standing from the bed in an instant. “ _We_ exist! The law shouldn’t make a difference when you can see it right in front of your eyes! You’re saying nobody came for me because of that? That isn’t justice!”

 

Erwin and Hanji are silent at that, knowing that nothing they can say will calm Eren down. He’s shaking, fists still clenched by his sides.

 

“And what about now? Do you expect me to believe that this is fine too? Locking me up down here? You’re just like _them_.”

 

“Hanji and Levi are believed to be on a special assignment right now, which is why we are hiding out in this place. It’s for your safety, in case they find out you are in our custody and try to finish the job. However, you must understand, Eren. We don’t yet know whether the military had any basis to take the offense against Shiganshina. You are our witness, and we’ve already come to the conclusion that you have no reason to lie. But the cell is a precaution, due to our lack of knowledge. That is for _our_ safety.” Erwin’s face is resolute, his unwavering gaze forcing Eren to focus and listen to him even though he’s confused. _I’m locked up for their safety?_

 

“It’s been sixteen days and we haven’t seen you transform yet,” Hanji says, “but we don’t know whether that is because you have chosen not to or because you can’t. We’ve been using the term ‘werewolf’ very loosely, since the classified Shiganshina files said that some of the citizens transformed into wolves even though it was a new moon that night.”

 

 _So… they’re afraid of me? They want me here, but they’re afraid of what I might do when I shift?_ Hanji had already asked Eren about the technicalities of what he is in the beginning, but he hadn’t answered. He hadn’t been talking anyway, but he had seen no need to tell them.

 

“The full moon is in a week, if that is what you rely on. Forgive me, Eren, but we need to make judgement on your control after you shift here for the first time.” Even Erwin’s kind tone isn’t enough to stop Eren from feeling insulted. _My control?! Do they think I become a wild beast?!_ He bites his tongue to stop himself from lashing out again and making them doubt him. Proving to them that he has a temper would be a bad idea. Despite all of what they’ve said, and how furious he feels, Eren understands that this could be his chance. It’s probably better than anything he could’ve hoped for. These humans want to find the people behind the attack on Shiganshina, and so he should use them like they want to use him. He sits back down on the bed and stares at his hands in his lap.

 

“I understand,” he says quietly. _I have nothing to worry about on the full moon. That won’t be a problem._

 

“Eren,” Erwin calls, and he lifts his head to see the man giving him a sympathetic look. “You’ve been through things that are enough to break someone, and I know we’re asking a lot of you now, but we are truly grateful to have you with us.

 

“You have my respect.”

 

Erwin’s blue eyes are honest and sincere, and Eren is surprised to realise that he trusts the man’s words, which have given him a strangely warm feeling in his chest. _I’ve earned his respect._ His own eyes widen in disbelief, and he looks from Erwin to Hanji to see them nodding their head at him. Levi looks bored, but he meets Eren's gaze coolly. _So this is the man that Hanji and Levi follow._ He looks back to Erwin, who seems to be waiting for a response. Eren sits up tall, previous anger mostly forgotten.

 

“Thank you... sir.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Geez, writing that end part was a struggle. Wording the whole conversation and getting the emotions right took a while. Let me know if something was unclear, I'll try to help unless it's something I've purposely left a secret :)


	10. The Judgement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote pretty much all of this chapter today. It's been in my head for days but did _not_ want to be written. That's about 4000 words in a few hours, which is some kind of record for me, since I always go so slow orz. Some of my time went to finishing my twoshot as well. But I really wanted to get it out tonight, since I'll be at a friend's house all of Wednesday and Thursday and won't be able to work on it. I don't really have an update schedule, I just don't want you guys to be waiting more than a week :3
> 
> Anyway, good thing is this is the first full moon chapter, and it's half-and-half Eren and Levi POV, like a beautiful shared pizza, so I hope you like it~

 

_“Remember, we’re on your side, Eren.”_

 

Those had been Erwin’s parting words, along with a polite goodbye as he had walked to the door. A hushed conversation with Hanji, and then he had gone. Levi had followed him out, like a shadow, dark and silent.

 

Eren is still fascinated by how the man holds himself with pride even when there is no one to impress and doesn’t think that good manners are wasted on a kid like him. It makes him respect Erwin. He is curious about when the man will be back and what more he will tell him.

 

But for now, he’s heard enough. He can still feel his anger, simmering under the surface of his skin. The longer he thinks about the conversation they have just had, the less sense his thoughts are making. There’s too much swirling in his head. Erwin's last words play on repeat, and he wonders why the man had described there being two sides when it has always seemed to be just him against the world.

 

He wishes he knew whether he is doing the right thing or not. His heart is futilely reaching out for Armin again. He wants to ask him, _do you think humans can be good?_

 

+++++

 

A week passes. Eren eats alone and sleeps alone, but does only one of these by choice. Hanji is visibly concerned when they see food left on the plate after meals, and doesn’t hide their disappointment when Eren doesn’t talk to them anymore. He almost feels bad for them, how they are constantly trying to start conversations with both him and Levi and barely get a response. Ever since Levi had come back from seeing Erwin off, he has spoken very little and always has a grim look on his face. Eren thinks that the man is avoiding looking at him, but can’t be sure if that’s just his imagination.

 

The nightmares get worse, populated by children now, chained like he is. He can’t hear it when they scream but he is forced to watch them in pain. He always wakes up just before the killing blow, but his mind carries on the dream, giving him images of death. He sits up in the bed and bites on his nails while listening to Hanji's muffled snoring in the other room.

 

One time, the children are gone and Erwin is there, sitting just outside the bars of his cage. He holds Eren's key in one hand, and he tries to grab it, take it back, but it swings just out of his reach. He keeps a hand on it all day afterwards, and growls at Hanji without meaning to when they ask him what he’s touching. The hurt that flashes by on their face makes his gut churn, and he retreats to the bed and curls up for hours afterwards. Even when they talk to him gently later, saying that it doesn’t matter and they’ll remember that it’s a sore subject, the guilt weighs him down like a bag of sand on his chest.

 

The word ‘sorry’ seems to be glued to the tip of his tongue, never making it past his lips.

 

On the day of the full moon, Hanji and Levi are complete opposites; the former is overly excited and energetic, while the latter is deadly serious and stony-faced. Eren himself is restless. Even without Hanji counting down the days – “ _Just wait four more days, Eren!” “Two more days to go!”_ – he would know that tonight is the night. He can feel it, an itch under his skin that is barely noticeable at lunchtime but grows until it can’t be ignored in the next few hours. Although they don’t yet have any proof, Hanji must realise that there’s something special about tonight based solely on his behaviour. He paces in front of the window while they sit in a chair on the other side. Levi sits on the arm of the couch, facing him.

 

“How are you feeling, Eren?” No response. “Is it really tonight?” He pauses for a second, then turns around and continues walking.

 

“Yes.” _They’ve figured it out already anyway, I might as well tell them._

 

“So it is because of the full moon?”

 

“Yes.” They nod as if he’d given them a full explanation instead of just one word.

 

“Ok. Then remember that we just want to observe what happens to you, and want to know whether the claims of your kind being ‘dangerous’ are true or not. I might ask you to follow some simple commands.” Eren slows to a halt in front of them and gives them a long look.

 

“Just don’t ask me to roll over or play dead,” he says flatly. He had had to put up with enough derogatory comments from Vermin over the years, and loathes being treated like a performing animal.

 

“Of course, of course! I would never!” Hanji lights up and nods even more enthusiastically than before. Eren is reminded that that’s the most he’s said to them in days. A tiny bit of guilt gnaws at him again, but it is easily overpowered by his impatience.

 

“What’s the time?” he asks, tapping his fingers against his thigh.

 

“Just gone four thirty,” Hanji replies, checking their watch. _It’s January so the sun has probably already set._

 

“… It’s soon.” Eren starts moving again, steps a little quicker than before.

 

“It is?! So you just have to wait? How can you tell, Eren?” Hanji is writing notes while they talk, pen still moving even as their eyes follow Eren from side to side. _It would be easier to know if I could see the sky_ , he thinks to himself. For ages he’s had to guess at what time it would be, since seasons and the position of the sun couldn’t be seen from underground.

 

Eren feels increasingly jittery, the anticipation making his tail twitch. Hanji seems happy to just watch him move from wall to wall. The path only takes him six steps each way, but he feels like he’s walked a mile by the time he feels the easily recognisable buzz in his veins.

 

_Now!_

 

He stops as soon as it hits him, a wave of purpose that he imagines flowing from a previously locked floodgate in his mind. Even though he can’t see it down here, he knows the moon is rising, calling out to his very soul. His surroundings drop away as he strips off his clothing, throwing it to the bed and crouching low to the ground. There’s nothing but his speeding heartbeat and the itch all over his body that now feels like pins and needles pressing into his skin.

 

The shift starts there, fur sprouting to cover his nakedness before the rest of the process begins. Eren feels it most intensely in his hands, feet, and face, where the bones have to change shape the most, but it’s a familiar feeling, one that he welcomes wholeheartedly. His heart continues to pound against his ribcage, even as it expands and curves towards the floor. Muscles and tendons stretch and reposition themselves, nails turning to claws, teeth lengthening to fangs, until finally everything settles into place, like putting in the last piece of a puzzle. The itch fades to a pleasant tingling sensation, and his blood calms down and pumps slower through his veins. But alongside the relief is the nagging thought that it had taken longer than it should have, and hadn’t been as smooth as usual. _Maybe I’m imagining it?_

 

He opens his eyes to see Hanji out of their seat and pressed up against the glass, camera held under their chin but still clicking. There might actually be tears in their eyes. Levi stands behind them, gaze piercing and hard like flint. Eren already knows that he’s being judged, that Levi is looking for any sign of a threat while Hanji is preoccupied; but that doesn’t worry him. He feels invincible like this.

 

“Eren!! That was incredible! Wonderful! Remarkable! Phenomenal!! Look at you, you beautiful creature!” Hanji seems to be the one losing control, fumbling with the camera and their notes as if they can’t decide which one they need to use most. “Levi, take my camera!” they hold it out behind them and Levi reaches out for it wordlessly. “So, Eren, can you still understand me?”

 

Eren huffs out a breath through his nose and nods once. Hanji's makes a sound like a dying animal but their smile gets impossibly wider. Levi's frown softens almost imperceptibly; Eren would have missed it if he hadn’t been watching so closely.

 

“Ok, so am I alright to start asking you to do a few things? Can I?” Eren doesn’t think that he has a choice, although it’s nice to be asked. But he wants to get it over with so he nods once more. Hanji squeezes the pen in their hand so tightly that he thinks it might break if they don’t let go soon. “Great! So can you open your mouth for me?”

 

 _Weird place to start but whatever._ Eren takes a step forward, knowing that Hanji will want the best look they can get from the other side, and opens his mouth wide, tilting his head back slightly. Hanji pushes their lopsided glasses back up to the bridge of their nose and makes a noise of amazement.

 

“Exactly like a wolf, although obviously on a bigger scale due to your size, which I’m guessing is just an evolution thing. I wonder if werewolves used to be smaller… Anyway, a perfect example of canine dentition, clean and well-kept. Just what I like to see! Levi, get a picture, quick!” Hanji is in that particular state where they focus on one thing and can’t be pulled away. Once Levi does as asked, Eren closes his mouth again.

 

Hanji asks him to do a few more simple tasks, like lifting a foot so they can see that his hands really have completely become paws – “ _Do you miss having opposable thumbs?_ ” – and walking in a circle so they can see him from every angle. When they ask him to tilt his head and wag his tail he makes a low grumbling sound in annoyance, but does it anyway because they look so genuinely happy. Their responding squeal is loud through the speaker but he doesn’t mind. They’re having fun and he’s proving his compliance at the same time.

 

However, Levi still doesn’t look convinced, and Eren wonders angrily how many hoops he’ll have to jump through before the man will stop frowning at him. Even though he is now the one who has to look up to make eye contact, he has less trouble returning the glare with a steady gaze of his own.

 

Levi's indifference is irritating to Eren, since he had thought that listening to Hanji's whims would be the only thing he would have to do. Being inside this room does nothing but build his frustration, and Levi seems to be the one standing in the way of his chance to get out. On a full moon he should be outside, actually able to see the thing that allows him to shift. _Let me out, I want to see it!_

 

They stare at each other for a moment while Hanji rereads their notes, and Eren can feel his hackles raise in defiance. Levi is the first to move, raising a hand, index finger pointing at Eren while the rest curl into a loose fist. He cocks his thumb like one would a gun, and says,

 

“Bang.”

 

Eren bares his teeth in an instant, muzzle wrinkling as he growls at the man on the other side of the glass who looks down on him impassively. _How dare he insult me like that! I specifically said not to treat me like a trained dog!_ He widens his stance and increases his volume, furious eyes locked onto steely grey. Levi regards him with an unimpressed gaze, lowering his hand to rest on his hip.

 

“Too bad,” he says in a monotone voice. Eren leaps forward at the careless tone, wanting to knock the man down and snap at his throat until he yields. He slams his shoulder into the window over and over, stopping after a minute once it proves a useless effort. He paces the same line as before, on four feet instead of two, upper lip still curled.

 

It takes a while for his anger to die down, but when it does it is replaced by sadness. Emotions running high, Eren stops his circuit to sit on the carpet in the centre of the room. He throws his head back and howls for the moon, longs for the sight of it, yearns for its cool light on his fur. He pours out his heart in a lament, just like he has done almost every full moon since he has been captured. He can vaguely hear Hanji calling his name, but he drowns out their voice with another long wail. In the space between that howl and the next, when Eren is taking a breath, Levi cuts in.

 

“Oi, is making a racket the only thing you can think of doing? Mutts who can’t think before they act won’t make it anywhere,” he says severely, and it gets Eren's attention right away. He sits and thinks, realising that he had done exactly what he wasn’t supposed to do and had let his temper flare. He had lost sight of the goal of this night, and even if it had only been for a moment, his instincts had wanted to fight against Levi immediately despite him not being overly threatening. _I didn’t meant to… I didn’t…_

 

Eren knows that he has to try and fix it, that it’s up to him to make things right again. He can’t use words right now, but he never has relied on them in situations like this. So he does the best thing he can think of. The one thing he thought that he would never do.

 

Reluctantly, he lies down and rolls over to expose his stomach to the humans. He submits.

 

+++++

 

Levi is glad that he has a perfect poker face, since the kid’s pacing is making him antsy. The fact that he has been doing it for hours is starting to get on his nerves, but he keeps his distance and says nothing. When Hanji asks and the kid confirms that something will happen tonight, that feeling only gets worse. He doesn’t know exactly what to expect; the photographs included with the classified files hadn’t been very good, and showed nothing but heaps of fur lying in blood, faces barely visible but obviously similar to a wolf’s. _Those pigs over in the military don’t even know how to make a proper report._

 

He doesn’t like this. The uncertainty. The fact that he might be required to step in later on.

 

Hanji tells the kid what they will expect him to do, and Levi has to wonder whether he is going to try anything. He hopes not, for the kid’s own sake.

 

“Just don’t ask me to roll over or play dead.” Levi almost cracks a smile at that, but frowns instead. _He really has a thing about being treated like a dog, doesn’t he? It’s not hard to learn how to press his buttons._ He asks what the time is, face anxious and hands almost trembling, like he’s full of energy that he doesn’t know what to do with. Hanji tells him, and after a pause the kid responds with, “It’s soon.”

 

The pacing starts up again, and Levi wants to tell him to sit down and contain himself, but knows that it probably won’t do any good. The kid’s ears and tail are twitching with every pass of the window, and Levi can do nothing but follow him with his eyes. He checks his watch about every five minutes. The last time he reads is ten past five.

 

When the kid starts undressing, Levi isn’t as shocked by the sudden nudity as he is by the physical state of the boy’s – his eyes had accidentally strayed too low when the underwear came off – body. He can clearly see the effects of his recent low standard of living, the consequences of malnutrition evident in the way his bones jutted out of his pale skin. But he doesn’t get to look at it long before the kid crouches down and the transformation begins, right before his eyes.

 

Levi is amazed, he can’t deny. He’s witnessing something supernatural, and no sarcastic quips are running through his mind. The boy with furry ears and a tail becomes an actual wolf, although he is twice the size of an ordinary one. Levi guesses that his head would come up to his chest if they stood next to each other. He grows fur all over, a black stripe down his spine, and dark russet brown mottled with black on the rest of his body. His nose stretches into a muzzle, and his hands and feet change into large paws. The wolf is obviously still an adolescent, lanky limbed and not quite as muscular as an adult would be, and it pains Levi to see that the bad diet has had the same effect on this form. Hipbones are visible, and the ribs would be easy to see if his fur wasn’t so thick. The wolf winces before opening his eyes. _Is the transition painful?_

 

Hanji predictably starts losing their mind, outwardly impressed and crazed by what they have just seen. Levi takes the camera from them, to save it from breaking, and waits for the moment of truth. _Will he listen or will he want to do nothing but rip our throats out?_ He is brutally reminded of the conversation he’d had with Erwin a week ago.

 

_Levi follows Erwin up the spiral staircase, stuck on how to start talking about the difficult subject he has been presented with. They’re already outside and he still hasn’t figured it out, and is about to just say it bluntly when the blond turns around and speaks first._

_“I’m assuming that you didn’t come all the way up here just to see me off.” Levi frowns. Erwin probably already knows what he’s going to ask, always thinking three steps ahead of everyone else. Levi has long since grown tired of trying to keep up with his mind. He sighs heavily and looks out across the clearing in front of him. It’s cool without a jacket. He crosses his arms._

_“After seeing him for yourself, and hearing what he had to say, do you want to change the plan?” He can tell that Erwin is looking at the side of his face, reading him even without being able to see his eyes._

_“Our objective is still the same, is it not? There is no reason to change the plan. Eren will be extremely useful, but we can already see that he’s volatile. With good reason, of course, but still. He’s an emotional child at best, and a ticking time-bomb at worst. Your duty remains the same. I’ve made him your responsibility with good intentions in mind. Now we wait.”_

_“Hanji's gotten attached.” Levi says it just to watch Erwin's reaction, but the man doesn’t give him one for a few seconds. Then he smiles softly and asks,_

_“And what about you?” Levi frowns harder and purposely doesn’t break eye contact. From Christmas to now, Levi has forced himself to stay away, not get close to the kid in any way. New Year’s had been a slip-up. He had justified it by saying that reacting in any other way would have been heartless, too cruel. They could have lost him then. And he had progressed in the following days, to Levi and Hanji's joint relief. But then they had come back from shopping to find him struggling to even breathe. Levi can’t outright deny that he cares anymore, especially after listening to the kid today, watching him cry from the memories._

_He needs more than Erwin's conditional sympathy, and it’s not only pity that Levi feels either. But he doesn’t know whether this is the place to give it to him. Will being around a four-eyed annoyance and a man who likes to bitch about things help him recover at all?_

_“He bit me,” he confesses, even though it won’t change Erwin's mind. The blond stays silent, so he continues. “He’s just a kid, Erwin. The situation could make him desperate. He could make a wrong decision, but don’t we all?” Levi tries to live without regrets, but mistakes happen. A notorious risk-taker like Erwin should understand that. The man is simply lucky that most of his gambles work out in his favour. Erwin moves his gaze to the trees, a serious look in his eyes._

_“If Eren becomes a threat to humanity, then you need to put him down. He will decide that for himself in a week.” He walks off the porch to his black 4x4, and Levi knows that he’s been dismissed. He watches the car drive away, and kicks a rock off the step in front of him._

 

Ever since then, Levi has been unable to think of anything else. He has killed before, taken a blade to flesh and spilled blood. But never a child, a fifteen-year-old who has been locked up since he was twelve and is already a victim. So when the wolf nods his head, some of the tension in his body melts away, although he can’t relax fully. Answering one question is easy, and understanding speech doesn’t mean control.

 

So he watches closely as Hanji gets the kid to do things, and takes a few pictures before they get too loud. _It’s much simpler to go along with them now than it will be to get them to stop whining later if I don’t do it._ When they run out of meaningful tasks, they ask him to pose cutely, tail wagging and all. Levi's finger presses the shutter automatically, capturing the ridiculous sight of an oversized wolf behaving like a puppy. He makes a face when he realises what he had done without thinking, and the wolf looks at him strangely.

 

Those green eyes that Levi has come to know over the weeks are even larger like this, and take up the whole of the wolf’s eyes, leaving no white around the edges. As they look at each other, they seem to glow brighter, determination and a fire burning steadily inside them. And Levi can see it again, the thing that he had noticed way back in the beginning, when the kid still had to glare at him through a curtain of hair. The thing that had earned his praise.

 

He has an unbreakable will, strong and unyielding. And although Levi is drawn to it, impressed by it, he knows that in the future this could be a bad thing. If he fights back later, he will have to carry out Erwin's order. And he trusts Erwin with his own life, but…

 

He doesn’t want to.

 

So he decides to test the kid, provoke him a little and see what happens in this current environment. He already knows what is likely to set him off, he just hopes that there will be no extreme reaction. He makes a mock gun with his hand, points it at the wolf, and asks him to play dead.

 

And the wolf fails spectacularly. An aggressive aura surrounds him in a second, rolling off him in waves along with a deep growl. Levi pushes once more.

 

“Too bad.”

 

The glass shudders with every impact of his skinny body, but it is impossible to break, even with bullets, so he has no hope. And Levi's heart falls, because this isn’t how it is supposed to go. It’s like the animal has taken over, although there’s a glimmer of intelligence still in those green eyes, it’s simply overshadowed by blind rage. And just when he thinks that he’s coming back to his senses, sitting down and calming himself, the wolf starts howling. Hanji is worried, calling “Eren,” repeatedly, but even his own name is not getting through to him. He knows that they don’t blame him for this, they know it is necessary too, but he still feels uneasy. So Levi decides that he’s had enough. He will give him one more chance to prove himself, turn the situation around.

 

“Oi, is making a racket the only thing you can think of doing? Mutts who can’t think before they act won’t make it anywhere.” _Don’t make me put you down._ The words are harsh, to see if he will react negatively or not when he’s like this, flip back to anger or simply ignore him.

 

Thankfully, the wolf listens, closing his mouth and quieting completely. Levi watches as he starts to actually use his head, and waits for his response.

 

He’s shocked to find that he actually manages to surprise him. The wolf lies down on his back, showing off the lighter brown fur of his chest and stomach, whole demeanour submissive. And as Levi looks at him, eyebrows raised and eyes wider than normal, a soft whine comes through the speaker.

 

Eren Jaeger, the boy who introduced himself with the phrase _“I bow to no one,”_ has turned into a wolf on the full moon and rolled over for him. Levi takes a deep breath and relaxes on the exhale.

 

“Not bad, Eren.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably want to come back and edit this again once I've woken up tomorrow since it feels rushed *sigh*
> 
> As always, thank you very much for every kudos and comment and stuff, I appreciate every one! (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧


	11. The First Step

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, guys! First of all I'd like to say thank you for 300+ kudos, and I think this chapter can be a good gift for that milestone. A lot of you felt strongly about Levi's POV last chapter, so now it's Hanji's time to shine! I absolutely loved the feedback I got last time, knowing how you feel about things, good or bad, is great :) Can you see why I held off on putting in Levi's POV before now?
> 
> Anyway, I was being mega optimistic when I thought I could have this out for Tuesday, since my week got really busy with seeing friends before we split up around the country to go back to uni, but I'm happy with how this chapter turned out, which is good since I gave myself extra time :3 I go back to college on Monday (sigh) and don't know how much work there will be in the first few days (bigger sigh) but I'll try and keep updating regularly~

 

“Not bad? What are you talking about, Levi?! This _is_ bad! This isn’t what should be happening!” Hanji moves to stand over Levi, not touching him but looking like they wouldn’t mind throwing a punch or two. This is the first time Eren has seen them so angry, their glasses pushed up to the top of their head so he can see it clearly in their eyes.

 

“Hanji, don’t.” Levi keeps his ground despite their sudden intimidation, meeting their glare with his own. The air seems charged around them, crackling and tense as they stare each other down. Eren thinks that this must not happen often, if at all, since Hanji has never started a conflict before.

 

“This is _wrong_ and you can’t tell me otherwise. What is the point in scaring Eren into submission? What is the point?! Whatever Erwin has told you, it doesn’t have any relevance anymore. He didn’t give you a duty, he gave you a _burden_ , one that has weighed you down this whole time and I’m tired of seeing it eat at you. I _never_ approved of it. Erwin hasn’t been down here from the beginning, he hasn’t seen what we’ve seen, and the report can’t do that for him, no matter how detailed I made it. Our choices, the ones we make down here _every day_ , those are the ones that hold weight, because we’re shaping Eren's _life_. Does that mean _anything_ to you?” Levi grits his teeth, the muscle in his jaw visibly tensing.

 

“An order is an order, Hanji. Just because we’re outside headquarters for a while doesn’t mean I can just stop listening to Erwin. He has to know what he’s doing. But I dislike pointless deaths, you know that. Of course it means something to me,” Levi hisses.

 

“Good. Because I can’t go on like this. _We_ can’t go on like this. Enough is enough. I’m fixing it.” Hanji pushes past Levi to get to the door, unlocking it before Levi can say a word.

 

“Hanji, no. You still have to think about—”

 

“You can’t stop me, Levi.” Hanji's voice has softened, but their tone rings with finality. They end the conversation by stepping through the door and closing it behind them. Eren makes a point of staying exactly how he is, on his back with his paws tucked close to his chest. He wonders if doing this has managed to change anything. _What if Hanji has come in to ‘fix it’ by hurting me? Did I not do it right? Do humans not understand? I don’t know how to make them understand! They were so angry… always so angry…_

_I don’t want to be hurt anymore._

 

“Eren? Eren, it’s ok, you don’t have to stay like that.” Hanji speaks to him quietly, lowering themselves to kneel in the corner by the door, not approaching him. Eren watches them upside-down and holds his position for another moment before relaxing slightly. He rolls back over onto his front slowly, eyes never leaving Hanji; his shoulder aches slightly in the spot where he’d rammed it against the window. He hesitantly sniffs the air, catching Hanji's scent properly for the first time. Without the distraction of food in their hand or anything else around them, Eren can memorise the new smell; light and woodsy, like a sunlit forest, with another smell that Eren has forgotten the name of, but gives him a mental picture of a leafy herb his mother liked to use in cooking. He inhales deeper at the memory, inching his head forward without realising. Hanji reaches out a hand towards him and he recoils suddenly at the movement, shifting back onto the carpet.

 

“Sorry, sorry,” Hanji says quietly, holding up their palm in apology but not completely retracting their hand. Eren remains stiff but is soothed by their hushed voice and calm aura. He is still breathing them in, glad that his nose isn’t broken as he had feared, although his sense of smell is heightened in this form anyway. There is a small feeling of something being wrong, that the room should only smell like him and anything else is unwelcome, but he shakes it off quickly. _This room isn’t mine, it doesn’t matter, no need to react, you idiot. It’s not like this is my home, I’m just here for the time being. Hanji isn’t an intruder, you shouldn’t care._

 

They stay as still as statues, and the two of them watch each other closely. Eren can feel his hackles raise the longer they stare at him. They must notice his bristling fur, because they try to sooth him with a soft shushing sound as they stretch their hand out again. They go slower this time so Eren isn’t startled, and shuffle forward on their knees, one inch at a time. Eren watches them approach warily, but lets them come close without protest.

 

Hanji stops at the edge of the carpet and puts their hand close to the floor by his front paws. Eren waits for them to do something, gaze moving between their face and the hand that’s almost touching him, muscles tense. But Hanji moves no further, still making soothing noises and murmuring, “It’s okay,” and he realises that they are leaving the next step up to him. He feels relief for a few seconds before the anxiety hits, the fear of doing something wrong and the punishment that could follow.

 

_Is this another test? Is there a wrong and a right option?_

 

Hanji is nothing but patient with him, though, as he fights against these toxic thoughts. They create a whirlpool of dread in his mind, and he’s about to be swept up in the current until he looks back up into Hanji's eyes. The gentle openness he sees there pulls him out, lets him breathe, and all at once he understands that Hanji really doesn’t want to hurt him. They have never personally given him a reason to be afraid of them, and he recognises now that he has been blaming them and projecting what has happened in the past onto them unfairly.

 

 _You were just protecting yourself,_ a tiny voice in his head says, and he agrees with it, because who else is going to look out for him if not himself? However, the rest of him thinks that he’s been directing that anger at the wrong person. Because Hanji _is_ a person, not a monster, and the fact that he has let them get this close already proves that part of him had known that. He _does_ feel bad for ignoring them this past week all because of what Erwin had said, and this time he doesn’t choose to run from the guilt. He faces the wrong things he’s done, looking into warm, brown eyes, and tries to convey his apology with his own eyes.

 

 _I’m sorry,_ he thinks as he lets out a low whine. He gathers up his courage and reassures himself that his faith in Hanji is not misplaced before lightly touching his nose to the tips of their outstretched fingers.

 

Hanji's smile grows so wide and happy that Eren instantly knows there’s no reason to panic. He moves to sniff their hand and then presses his nose more firmly into the centre of their palm, holding it there for a few seconds before pulling back again. Hanji squeals with delight and bounces slightly in front of him, clasping their hands together tightly before holding one out again, higher in the air this time. The other comes up to settle their glasses back on the bridge of their nose.

 

“Eren, may I?” they ask, voice excited but not overly loud. Eren realises that they want to touch his head, and only hesitates a little before nodding. Hanji smiles brightly and shuffles closer, softly resting their hand on top of his head. They stroke the fur between his ears carefully, and Eren is stuck on how to feel about it. He has never had a hand touch him while he is a wolf, since everyone in Shiganshina had to shift on the full moon, but as Hanji's fingers sink into his fur, he thinks to himself that it feels familiar. It’s different from Armin or Mikasa pressing against his sides, or his mother licking him clean after he’d been in a fight, but the sense of comfort is the same. He decides that it’s not a bad thing, and relaxes a little more. His eyes close as Hanji strokes along his muzzle to his cheek and then his ear.

 

“The fur here is much softer than at the back of your neck, you know. And you feel so warm! Is this okay, Eren?” Hanji says as they get into a more comfortable position on the rug, sitting to the side of Eren with their legs crossed. Another hand touches the other side of his face delicately, and he leans into it on purpose. _More, please._ Hanji gasps quietly at his acceptance and he huffs at the sound, almost wanting to laugh at their surprise. _I’m not made of glass, there’s no need to treat me like I’m going to break._

 

A calm air surrounds the two of them, and Eren feels more and more at ease as the minutes go by. Contact is something that he has been forcing himself not to miss, but now that he has it he doesn’t want it to disappear ever again. The presence next to him even manages to distract him from the fact that he can’t see the moon. His legs go stiff at one point, so he changes position lazily. Hanji lifts their hands up in shock when he moves, but is relieved when they notice that Eren isn’t trying to leave. They are stunned when he props his head on their closest knee.

 

“Wow your head is heavy! No, no, you don’t have to move it or anything, I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all. Your skull is huge! I wonder how your body can resize itself and create mass out of seemingly nothing. I mean, it’s still so amazing, Eren!” Hanji doesn’t stop touching him as they talk, one hand scratching behind his ears and the other stroking over his back. The sensation makes all the tension leave his body, and his breathing slows down as he unwinds. He tunes out the sound of their voice easily, not needing to listen to all the comments on his anatomy. He doesn’t even flinch when they mention how skinny he is, promising once again to feed him right. Hanji's scent fills his nose, and he feels nothing but contentment.

 

Time passes without measurement, and Eren knows he’s not dreaming but feels so happy he can hardly believe it. It is such a rare feeling that he thinks he could cry, except this form lacks the ability. When he was younger, he had loved that he couldn’t cry on the full moon, since it seemed to happen all too easily at every other time. But now he thinks that the good kind of tears aren’t so bad, and wishes that he could express himself without being limited by his body. _If it could happen, if I could let it out, then I’d hope that Hanji wouldn’t mention anything._

 

It has long since gone quiet, Hanji's rambling ended without him noticing and only the hand on his head still petting him. Eren doesn’t know what time it is but guesses that hours have passed, bringing them close to morning.

 

“Are you asleep, Eren?” Hanji asks, breaking the silence that has settled over them. Eren is still awake, but can’t muster the effort to raise his head or even make a sound in answer to the question, and so pretends that he really is sleeping. It’s not hard to fake it, considering how long he’s gone without moving and how his breathing is deep and even. “See, Levi?” they say a little louder, and Eren has to consciously stop his ears from twitching and giving him away. His eyes have been closed for so long that he had forgotten about everything outside their little bubble of space, including Levi. “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

 

“Good thing I’m not trying to catch flies then,” Levi says, his monotone voice coming clear through the speaker. Eren assumes he’s standing by the glass, but doesn’t open his eyes to check.

 

“Do you have to be so sour all the time? Maybe I should’ve said, the carrot is more effective than the stick.”

 

“People normally say that about jobs and motivation. Political shit. You’re making it sound like you want to manipulate him.”

 

“Okay, fine! I’m not very good with using idioms, or whatever! You know what I mean!” Hanji is stage whispering, still under the impression that Eren is asleep, but even then they are being loud. _Maybe they forgot I have sensitive hearing._ “I want you to be nice to Eren. He deserves to be treated equally, if not more.” Hanji sounds irritated, and the hand on Eren's shoulders clenches into a fist. _I hope they don’t fight_ , Eren thinks, wanting to avoid being in the middle of a conflict.

 

“Equal? To me it looks like you want him to be your pet. You’ve been cuddling on the floor for hours.” Levi's tone has become harsher, and Eren almost opens his eyes to see what kind of expression he’s making, but knows that the conversation will likely stop if they see he is awake.

 

“Why are you arguing with me, Levi? Things should’ve been like this from the beginning. _Look_ at him, Levi. Look at how close he is to me. Do you think he did this by accident? Of course not. And I didn’t force him, either.” Hanji's body is tense next to Eren, and they’ve dropped the whispering act. “ _Excuse_ me for trying to bond with him and get him to feel more comfortable around us. He’s suffered enough, and shouldn’t have to put up with your attitude.”

 

“I know!” Levi shouts, startling both Hanji and Eren. They must not notice the flick of Eren's ears at the loud noise. “I know.” Levi says, much softer this time. “I’m not suited for this, Hanji. I can’t _be_ nice or approachable or generally pleasant to be around. I should send in Petra or Erd to take my place, now that we’ve seen Eren doesn’t want to fight us, because being around me won’t help him.”

 

“He still needs protection, Levi, and you’re the best person for that. Besides, the others have their own work to be doing. You can’t get out of this just like that. For the rest of it… baby steps. I think he can get used to you, with a little time.”

 

“Hanji I—”

 

“Just make an effort, Levi, that’s all I’m asking. You’ve helped him before, at New Year’s and last week. It’s not impossible.” Eren pauses at that. _Was it really Levi who tucked me in after that flashback? Was it him that I could smell on my clothes?_ Eren knows that it makes sense, that it could only have been him or Hanji who had done it and the scents don’t match up now that he can compare it to Hanji's, but he’s still having trouble believing it.

 

There is a stretch of silence, in which Eren processes this new information and can’t decide how he feels about it. Then the strangely familiar sound of Levi clicking his tongue reaches his ears.

 

“Fine. I bet Erwin wouldn’t let me leave anyway,” he says, voice sounding more like it usually does.

 

“ _I’m_ the one who wouldn’t let you go,” Hanji replies cheerily. “You’d want to come back within a day, you’d miss me and Eren too much.” Eren can picture the grin on their face and Levi's responding eye-roll with surprising ease, although he can’t understand why Hanji had included him as one of the reasons like that.

 

“Shut up, idiot,” Levi says without bite. Fingers start to scratch Eren’s head again, and the leg he’s resting against shakes with Hanji's laughter. It comes out muffled, and Eren assumes that they are trying to be quiet by putting one hand over their mouth. They calm down after a minute, and Eren is just waiting for the right time to ‘wake up’ from his faked slumber.

 

“Hey, Levi?”

 

“What now?”

 

“… Can you take a picture of us?” There’s a heavy sigh from the other room.

 

“You piss me off, shitty four-eyes.” Levi's annoyance is obvious, but Eren knows that the fight must be over when he hears the click of the camera shutter a few seconds later.

 

+++++

 

Eren waits another while before attempting to move, stretching out his legs leisurely as Hanji asks him, “Did you sleep well?” He exaggerates his reactions so that they hopefully won’t suspect, but actually lets out a real yawn after he stands up and shakes out his fur. He notices Hanji staring at his teeth again, not at all put off by their size or sharpness.

 

The pull of the moon has lessened to a faint hum in the back of his mind, and he wonders what the time is, sad that he’ll have to shift back soon. He subtly puts some distance between himself and Hanji, feeling weird, like he hadn’t been acting like himself. Whatever spell he had been under has broken, although part of him wishes he could go back a few hours and experience it all over again, ignore reality for a little while longer.

 

He sighs and tries to catch Hanji's attention, which isn’t hard to do with the way they’re observing him up close. _Now comes the hard part._ Without being able to talk, he tries to get them to tell him the time. There isn’t a clock for him to point to, so he lifts a front paw and touches his nose to his wrist while making a questioning whining sound.

 

“What is it, Eren? Charades?” Hanji asks excitedly. Eren huffs and grumbles in annoyance, putting his foot down as he thinks of a better way to explain. He steps forward and presses his nose to their wrist instead, where their watch is hiding under their sleeve.

 

“Me? Hand? Do you want me to pet you again, is that it?” Hanji guesses, speaking quickly. Eren shakes his head and points again, more insistently. “I got it wrong? Uh, then how about… clothes? Um, cold? Are you cold? Are you hungry?”

 

“I think he means your watch, four-eyes. Stop spouting nonsense,” Levi says from beyond the glass, and Eren turns to look at him in astonishment. “Am I right?” Eren nods his head slowly, touching Hanji's wrist again just to make sure they understand.

 

“Oh, of course. Sorry, Eren, I thought it was a game,” Hanji says, smiling at him and pushing their sleeve up. He still can’t understand how their mind works. _Why would I want to play?_ “It’s half past seven. Wow, we really _were_ sitting there for hours. Good thing we don’t have any plans for today. But I’m glad. I was able to learn so much! Although there’s plenty we still don’t know. Thank you, Eren! I’ll have to think of what to do for next month.”

 

 _Half past seven,_ he thinks. _That’s another full moon spent indoors. But at least I was able to change this time, instead of being knocked out. I’m one hundred and ninety-seven now, one step closer._

 

Hanji is still rambling about their future ideas when the moonsong fades out to nothing, and Eren's connection is lost. He sits down as the shift begins, closing his eyes as his body changes, inside and out. It still feels like it is happening too slowly, and there’s an unfamiliar tightness in his muscles which he worries about for a few seconds although it’s not overly painful. His skin feels prickly and ticklish as his fur recedes, and then it’s over. He instantly moves to grab his clothes from where he had thrown them on the bed, quickly dressing. It isn’t the nakedness itself that bothers him, it’s unavoidable after a shift after all, but the sight of his current body is less than appealing and he knows it. _When they look at me, they must see nothing but weakness._ Eren pulls the hem of his top down roughly, hands clenching in the material. The loose material only makes him feel slightly better.

 

“So how do you feel now, Eren?” He turns to see Hanji stood not too far behind him, and excitement back on their face. “I guess that is all pretty normal to you, but I want to know everything! Anything you can tell me, anything at all, go ahead. First, I would like to know why you had to turn back. It has to do with the time right? It’s seven thirty-five now, but why was that important?” Eren is glad that they seem to be restraining themselves, as being in a room with them while their energy is this high is both confusing and frightening. He had thought he was used to it, but the feeling is different without a barrier between them, and the very air around them seems to vibrate. He steps back until he can feel the bedframe pressing into his shins.

 

“Ah, um…” he starts, and Hanji leans forward, listening eagerly. He swallows and flicks his eyes down to his hands and then back up again. “Th-the moon. It’s gone.”

 

“The moon? So you need it? Without it you have to change? Why?” Hanji's expression is dynamic, eyebrows pulling together in confusion and eyes narrowing and widening again a second later. With all the questions, Eren feels like he’s talking to an overly inquisitive child, one who is asking him why grass is green or the sky is blue. _Because that is the way it is,_ he wants to say. It’s strange to him to have to explain something that everyone should know to an adult, disconcerting in a way that is unknown to him. _Humans really don’t know anything._

 

“Because I can’t hear it anymore.” _Obviously,_ he adds in his head. _Can’t they hear it too?_

 

Hanji blinks at him. He stares back, unsure.

 

“You… can hear the moon?” they ask slowly, articulating each word precisely.

 

“Of course!” Eren says, a little louder than he intended. Something about Hanji's tone had made it seem like they thought he was lying, or not thinking straight, and so he responded without thinking. He looks away, frowning, feeling a mix of offended and apologetic. “It calls out to us. Everyone can hear it, especially when it is full and bright and strong,” he says quietly. He looks back up to see Hanji deep in thought.

 

“So this is going to be a culture shock type thing, then. Well, Eren, humans can’t do that. We can’t hear the same thing that you do. The moon doesn’t make any sound to us.”

 

Eren gapes at them, disbelief evident on his face. Then, as what they have said sinks in, shock turns into horror. “You… you don’t… can’t…” he stutters. “Nothing?” The word is barely above a whisper.

 

“Uh… no,” Hanji says, beginning to worry about Eren's reaction. They almost panic when he drops heavily onto the bed behind him, their hands coming up as if to catch him but stopping before they can make contact.

 

Eren is in a daze, barely seeing them in front of him, but as he turns to find Levi at the window, a matching expression on the man’s face, he knows that Hanji is telling him the truth. All at once he feels overwhelmingly sorry for them. _They’ve never felt it. Not even once._

 

All this time he had thought that the only difference between werewolves and humans had been the ability to shift. He had never thought beyond that, to the point where the separation seems huge and terrifying. At one point he had thought that those monstrous humans were jealous of that power, and that’s why they would hurt him without remorse. But then he had seen that they weren’t interested in that at all, and that they didn’t even try to justify their actions with weak excuses. It had been hatred, plain and simple. Unforgivable evil.

 

Never before has he felt pity for a human, but now that is the only thing on Eren's mind. He thinks back to how he had felt every time he had woken up after being unconscious through the full moon, how sick and wrong it had been for there to be nothing but silence. When he had been forced to miss the one thing that kept him going, he almost sank into despair. And now Hanji is telling him that that is how all humans live, every month, every year, not knowing.

 

To never experience the rush and high of moonsong is possibly the worst thing Eren can imagine. He feels miserable, eyes watery, and sniffs as he meets Hanji's gaze. He wants to say something, tries to talk to them, but can’t find the right words. _Do I say sorry? Do I ask them if they are sad because of it? Have I been insensitive? Was it painful for them to hear me call it normal?_

 

Hanji's hands are still fluttering in front of him, almost touching his shoulders as a tear streaks down his face.

 

“Eren? What’s wrong, Eren? Was it something I said?” Their concerned voice only makes him cry harder, bringing his hands up to wipe away the tears that won’t stop coming.

 

“How can you- I can’t- It’s just so _horrible_ ,” he blubbers, breath catching on every sob.

 

“Shh, Eren, it’s okay. Are you sad because the moon is gone? If it’s about us then don’t cry. It’s not a big deal, that’s just how it is, okay? We don’t mind, since we don’t know what we’re missing. It must be really nice though, right? If you like it so much, then it must be. Don’t cry, Eren. Please, don’t cry. I’ll, uh… look, I’ll go get you an apple, alright? I know you like them. Are they your favourite? You’ll have to tell me all your favourite things, so that I know all about you. Wait here, I’ll be right back.”

 

Hanji rushes out of the room, leaving the door open in their haste, while Eren tries to fight the onset of hiccups. _“That’s just how it is,” they said, so simply. How can they be so unbothered?_ He rubs at his eyes with the long sleeves of his shirt until both wrists are damp and the flow of tears has mostly stopped. There’s a small argument in the kitchen –

 

“C’mon, it doesn’t matter just this once, Levi.”

 

“No, you definitely have to wash it first. I’ll do it so you take the kid some water or tissues or something.”

 

– and then Hanji is back, offering him a glass which he accepts with a sniffle. He drinks half and then takes a deep breath, nodding once when Hanji asks him if he’s okay. Levi comes in a minute later, and Eren bristles slightly, instinctively feeling like he’s being surrounded, like they’re intruding on his space again. But he calms himself, and even perks up slightly when he sees that Levi is holding a plate of apple slices. He notices that they have been cut more unevenly than how Hanji does it, all the slices obviously different sizes, but he doesn’t mind since the taste is exactly the same. Resting the plate on his thighs, Eren eats slowly, coming to terms with his new discovery.

 

“Do you need anything else, Eren?” Hanji asks, and he shakes his head since his mouth is full. He still feels a twinge of sadness when he looks at them in this new light, but stays quiet and lets them believe they aren’t missing out on anything.

 

“We don’t have to stay here, four-eyes. Let the kid get some proper rest, he was already awake when I saw him at around five AM yesterday and it’s been a long night,” Levi says, already walking to the door. Eren puts his empty plate and glass down on the floor before getting under the covers. Levi is right, he has been up for more than twenty-four hours, and had barely sat down yesterday, so he feels exhausted now. He yawns as his head touches the pillow. Hanji follows Levi out, and Eren rolls over to face the wall and closes his eyes.

 

“Okay, but your bedside manner still needs work, Levi. Did you know that there is a system in healthcare called a virtuous cycle? It states that kindness directs attentiveness, which enables attunement and builds trust, which then generates a therapeutic alliance and therefore produces better outcomes! The whole thing reinforces itself, isn’t that wonderful! Compassionate care is the best for both the patient and the carer, you know. And d’you know what that is based on? _Equality._ Equal societies have the best health rates, so we should create and maintain meaningful relationships. I really think extra effort would benefit everyone involved.”

 

Hanji's voice gets quieter as they walk away, and Eren barely listens, already drifting off. Yawning one last time, he doesn’t notice that he doesn’t hear the usual _click_ of the lock before he falls asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think, I think of you all as my unofficial betas when you point things out and ask questions, since I don't have one. And if you want to give me ideas for things you would like to see then that can really get my creative juices flowing :3
> 
> Also I have a feeling that Hyrule Warriors is going to eat into my writing time since it came out today haha


	12. The First Meal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two weeks and a day. I'm really late, I'm so sorry. Adjusting to college took me a while and going there sucked some motivation out of me. Even though I wanted to write while in lectures, I lost it by the time I got home. And I've also just got a weekend job, which I'm really happy about since it's my first one, but it does cut down on my writing time. But here it is, finally, 5000 words in apology. I won't stop writing, it just might take me a while.
> 
> Also, I tried out a prompt a few days ago to get back into the swing of things, just a sweet [oneshot](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2383229) which is another 4000+ words. Think of it as my extra gift to you, since you've had to wait

 

Eren sleeps deeply, as he always does after a full moon. It’s the first time in dozens of moons that he wakes up in a bed instead of on the floor, and he feels so cosy that he could almost believe that he’s back at home. He rouses slowly, mind alert before his body, and is content to lay there for a few more minutes with the duvet pulled up to his chin. He has nothing else to do anyway.

 

He stays in his nest of warmth for another few minutes, rubbing his head against the pillow when he feels an itch in his ear rather than moving his hands out into the open. That small shift suddenly makes his position feel less comfortable though, so he musters up the effort to roll over, shuffling around so that he can stay lying on the well-heated part of the mattress.

 

He yawns, waking up more fully, and blinks the moisture out of his eyes. Then he has to blink again, a little slower. And then once more, just to be sure. Another time and…

 

The door is open. The door to the room he is in is open. The door that has always been closed and _locked_ is now _wide open._

 

Eren's first thought is, _I must be dreaming_ , although he knows that his subconscious is never usually this blatantly optimistic. A warm bed and an open door. _Impossible._ He closes his eyes and counts to ten. The vision is still there afterwards. He bites his tongue, pinches his arm. No change. But experiencing pain in a dream doesn’t necessarily mean he will instantly wake up, so he sits up slowly and doesn’t trust what he’s seeing. The shift in gravity makes him more aware of a pressure in his bladder, oddly realistic for his imagination, so he peels the covers off reluctantly and heads for the bathroom. He keeps his eyes forward, just in case the other side of the open door is nothing but a black hole or something equally as frightening.

 

The flush of the toilet is loud in his ears, and as he splashes cold water on his face, he comes to the conclusion that this has to be real. His mind is clear. The door will be open. Walking back out confirms it.

 

Eren's second thought is, _It must be a trap_ , although a quick scan of the doorframe reveals no wires or weaponry. He steps forward cautiously until he is in the empty space where the door would usually be, pausing at the threshold. No alarm bells ring, no nets spring out to catch him. He inhales deeply, closing his eyes. New scents tickle the inside of his nose; leather, then wood, and stronger than that, paper, from the room closest to him. _Armin's favourite smell_. The rest is unfamiliar, the natural difference that you notice when in another’s home, strange until you become accustomed. _Not my territory._ Faintly, he can detect Hanji's scent mixed in, vaguely recognisable now that his paranoia is lessening. He commits it to memory once again, learning the subtlety of the notes from the still air.

 

It doesn’t make him feel threatened. After all, it had surrounded him while he slept, since they had spent so much time in that room. Thinking back, he is hit with a pang of something indescribable. He is unsure whether the thing he is suddenly longing for is the feel of the shift or the comfort of a hand stroking between his ears.

 

Eren shakes his head to clear the confusing thoughts of, _I want it but I shouldn’t want it,_ and, _I can’t allow myself to want to want it_. He runs a hand through his hair as he takes a shuddering breath, feeling how the ends of his fringe are still slightly damp. Calmer, and a little more collected, he finally takes a single step forward.

 

Then he opens his eyes and immediately takes two steps back. Levi is there, in the main room, relaxed on the sofa and watching him nonchalantly. Eren curses himself for concentrating so much on his sense of smell that he missed Levi's presence right in front of him. But the man is so still and quiet, his breathing inaudible, that it seems like he hadn’t wanted to be noticed. Regardless, Eren berates himself for getting distracted, for being vulnerable. The surprise has him frozen, a hand braced on the doorframe which he shields half of his body behind.

 

_He saw me walking out.  Is he there to catch me trying to leave? But if that’s true and I’m not allowed, then why leave the door open? Why bait me like this?_

Eren can’t accept that they would do that to him, encouraged by the peaceful events of the previous night and the fact that Levi has yet to move a muscle towards him. And after having the best rest he has had in ages, it is easier to fight back the initial fear. He steels himself, and steps over the threshold once more.

 

He’s out. Levi doesn’t stop him. In fact, the wrinkle between his eyebrows seems to lessen a tiny bit. But Eren still watches him with suspicion, eyes narrowed.

 

“I won’t hurt you, Eren.”

 

Eren straightens up when he is addressed. He hadn’t expected Levi to start a conversation, sure that they would have nothing more than a tense, silent staring match. And the words themselves surprise him. First Hanji and now Levi, two humans that don’t want to torture him for existing. If he includes Erwin then that makes three. A small but meaningful number. He stands stiffly, unsure of what to say. He appreciates the verbal reassurance, for what it is. For as quiet as Levi can be, Eren doesn’t know whether the things that he does say can be deemed as either truthful or important. Levi looks over his rigid stance before continuing.

 

“You’re the one who bites, after all.” If it’s supposed to be a joke, then the monotone delivery detracts from the humour. Eren frowns, unamused, and thinks that his previous actions that Levi is referring to are justifiable.

 

“That was your fault,” he says boldly, not a hint of sympathy in his glare. Levi doesn’t deny it, for which Eren is glad, and simply crosses one leg over the other.

 

“I don’t want to give you any reason to do it again.” Levi looks into his eyes and speaks seriously. These words, Eren decides, are the truth. The feeling behind them is honest, obvious even with Levi's stoic demeanour. Faced with that tone, Eren feels conflicted and uncomfortable. He realises that even though it is great to be outside of the room, he feels out of place standing just outside the doorway. He shifts his weight and curls his fingers into the fabric of his sweatpants.

 

 _Why is it that I still feel this way when things are going so much better than before?_ He’s made it this far but doesn’t know where to take the next step, doesn’t know whether he can touch anything in this room. He doesn’t feel safe. Knows he’s not in immediate danger and yet…

 

“That’s great, Levi! Only a fool makes the same mistakes twice, so let’s all get along.” Hanji's cheery voice ends in a yawn as they come out of their room. They cover their mouth with one hand and stretch the other high above their head. They are dressed casually as always, but Eren's eyes are drawn to the colourful socks they wear, one striped and one plain. He takes a small step to the right, away from them, and presses his back against the wall by the door.

 

“Eavesdropping now are we, shitty four-eyes? I should’ve known you wouldn’t sleep for very long.”

 

“You’re one to talk. When’s the last time you got more than six- no, _five_ consecutive hours of shut-eye, huh?” To this, Levi huffs but doesn’t comment. “Eren, can you believe this guy? He stopped me in the middle of my work and sent me off to bed, even though I said I was fine! I mean, I’m pleased he’s thinking about me but there was no need to _drag_ me—”

 

“Your head was nodding so badly that your glasses fell to the floor, and even then you carried on writing. I bet you won’t be able to read a word of the end of your notes.”

 

“Oh? You bet, do you? Well in that case I accept. Loser has to… do tonight’s dishes.”

 

“You really are an idiot. I lose absolutely nothing in this deal, cleaning is what I do anyway, four-eyes. Go ahead and humiliate yourself.”

 

“You’re on, Levi. Eren is our witness.”

 

Eren can do nothing but stand and stare in bewilderment as Hanji whips out their notebook and points things out to an unimpressed Levi, listening to them speak but not hearing any of the words. His brain has grinded to a halt. He feels like his grasp on reality is slipping, although he had thought that he had convinced himself that he’s not dreaming. Even when they start gesturing broadly and their voice gets louder – “Of _course_ that’s what it says, Levi, crystal clear, and it makes perfect sense to _me_ ” – his ears seem to only be able to pick up the buzz of his thoughts.

 

Because Hanji hasn’t asked why he’s not locked up. Hasn’t even mentioned it. And even though he still has trouble reading them, he had assumed that seeing him standing there would definitely be more important than whatever is currently going on between them and Levi. He knows they have to have seen him, but they’ve given him nothing more than an ordinary reaction.

 

_Maybe I need to go back to bed._

 

“Ha! Eat your words, Levi!” Levi has one eyebrow raised sceptically, but his expression is otherwise unchanged. Hanji, on the other hand, is positively smug, and snaps their notebook closed with a flourish. “Well then, now that that’s settled and we’re all awake, it’s time for food. Don’t you agree, Eren?” He blinks at his name, still dazed. “I’m thinking breakfast for dinner, seeing as we all missed out earlier.”

 

Eren is silent, even though Hanji is looking at him expectantly, so Levi is the only one to offer an opinion on what they have said. Hanji nods lightly at the short, “Whatever,” and walks off to the kitchen, glancing behind them once. Eren looks between them and Levi uncertainly. He shuffles his feet, and is glad to find that they obey him despite the fact that they feel like lead weights. The wall at his back has slowly warmed up from him being pressed against it for so long.

 

“Hey, Eren? Can you come and get three plates out for me?” Hanji calls from inside the fridge. Eren starts at the request, almost knocking the back of his head. _Can I?_ he asks himself, doubting his ability to move. The kitchen seems too far away from where he is, an impossible stretch of open space between him and it. But Hanji's tone had been so kind, gently questioning and approachable, and he wonders if he’ll find the comfort he’s been seeking on the other side of the room.

 

The first step is the hardest, as is removing his vulnerable back from the safety of the wall, but he does it anyway. The strength he feels is false, nothing but an act, but it helps him cope with the intense feeling of exposure. His ears and tail are held low as he crosses through the room. One foot in front of the other, left then right then left again. That is what he focuses on, fixates on, until he reaches the closest black granite countertop.

 

 _I made it._ Eren looks over his shoulder to find that Levi hasn’t moved from the couch, and that there are no monsters lurking or stalking him like prey. The relief is tainted by his despairing thoughts. _From mighty predator to cowering prey…_

 

“Ah, good. They’re in that cupboard down there, Eren. Three large ones please. Put them on the island when you’ve got them,” Hanji says, stove hot and oiled pan heating. He follows their instructions, glad that the kitchen is large enough that he doesn’t have to brush past them to get to the indicated cupboard and then back to where he stood before. He puts the stack of three plates down carefully, deliberating for a few seconds before setting them all out side-by-side. Hanji hums while the food in the frying pan sizzles quietly. Eren inhales the smell of cooking meat and moves to the side so that he can see the bacon and sausages around Hanji's body.

 

“Thank you, Eren. It’ll be done soon so why don’t you go and sit down.” They raise their voice a little as they continue, “ _Levi_ should come and sit down too.”

 

Eren turns and walks to the table for lack of anything better to do. He picks a chair on the side of the table by the wall and stands behind it, but stops there. The smooth black leather of the seat and the spotless surface of the table intimidate him. The feeling of not belonging flares and makes his hands clench into fists.

 

A setting such as this no longer feels normal. Too formal, too extravagant.

 

Too good for him.

 

His mind is in turmoil, adamant that he shouldn’t be thinking that way and that limiting himself when it’s right in front of him serves no purpose. _Take it, you deserve to have it back, what are you waiting for?_ it says. But it doesn’t fix the stiffness in his muscles or the tension in his jaw.

 

There’s a blunt screech of wood on tile, and then Levi is settling into the chair across from the one Eren has chosen, one elbow coming up to rest on the table. He doesn’t call attention to Eren's hesitation, but they do make eye contact briefly. Eren thinks he sees something in those grey eyes which he identifies as a challenge, although strangely it’s more encouraging than threatening. _If you’re going to do it, go ahead and do it now,_ it says, and that coincides so strongly with the voice in Eren's own head that he is sparked into action. He grips the back of the chair harder than is perhaps necessary and yanks it backwards, dropping into it heavily, almost trapping his tail under his legs. He stares pointedly at the wood grain of the table like it has personally offended him, but inside he feels a sense of accomplishment. His hands are still clenched, but he places his fists in his lap firmly and waits for his mind to calm down, the fire dying down gradually and then going out, just like the one on the stove does at the exact same moment.

 

He lifts his head to see Hanji portioning out the food and returning the now-empty pan to the hob. Then, effortlessly, they pick up all three plates at once, two balanced professionally on one arm, and make their way over. Eren can’t help but be impressed, and Hanji is quick to catch the look in his eyes.

 

“Cool trick isn’t it. I had a few jobs in restaurants when I was younger. Got fired for ‘bad customer service’ but the skill comes in handy more often than not,” Hanji explains while placing one plate in front of him. “I hope you like crispy bacon, because mine never turns out any other way,” they say with a smile. Eren has the fleeting thought that he actually prefers it just-cooked and softer, before it is gone, chased away by the assembly of intoxicating scents rising from the hot food. Hanji places the last plate down before rushing back to open a drawer and grab some cutlery, returning to sit between Eren and Levi, at the head of the table. “Almost forgot. I’ll show you where they are next time, Eren,” they say, and Eren barely dwells on the promise of _next time_ , far too distracted. Even the proximity of the two humans can be ignored well enough.

 

He picks up the knife and fork that he’s been given, but looks to Hanji before touching anything else; he is at their table, after all. They smile at him again, brown eyes bright behind their glasses. “Go ahead, dig in,” they say happily, and he gives a small smile back. Next he looks to Levi, who glances back at him before starting to cut his sausage into neat sections. Eren copies him and watches as Hanji also starts, before taking the first bite.

 

He makes no noise, but the face he’s making must be worth a thousand words, all of them synonymous with _delicious_. Luckily, he remembers that eating all the meat at the start will leave none later, and so switches from mouthfuls of tasty sausage and salty bacon to bites of egg and the two slices of toast as well. Hanji has cooked a full spread, more than Eren had thought they had supplies for, and he fills his stomach with every last morsel of the feast. Hanji stays quiet, and so Eren enjoys the meal without interruption. Opposite him, Levi cuts everything into very small pieces and adds a sprinkling of salt to his food, eating cleanly and without rush.

 

Eren notes the differences in their posture, Levi laid back while Hanji leans forward and sits close to the edge of their seat. He realises that his own shoulders are hunched over uncomfortably, and forces himself to relax and look more like he’s unaffected by the current situation. They still haven’t brought up the fact that Eren's isolation is apparently over, and although he’s confused, he thinks that maybe it is better this way. Maybe an explanation isn’t needed. Hanji remains a mystery to him, but their easy acceptance isn’t really surprising now that he reflects on it.

 

“Do you like it, Eren?” Hanji asks, trying to interpret his fidgeting.

 

“Y-yes. It’s good.” _Honestly, I could eat another full plate_.

 

“Wonderful!” They beam at him, but then it fades and they shake their head. “For Verman to let you lose so much weight is deplorable, you have such a good appetite. Did he not feed you at all?” Eren winces at the reminder and puts down his knife and fork with a clatter. He is immensely glad that the mention of that man does not make him feel physically sick; to lose such good food because of him would be a crime, not matter how indirect it may be.

 

“I… I got dog food. Once every… three days?” Eren phrases it as a question, since he really can’t be sure how long that man would leave him without any food. The effect is instantaneous. The atmosphere grows heavy and thick at his admission, even Levi grimacing slightly at the information, although that could also be from the way he is poking at the yolk of his egg. Eren only has a moment to think that maybe Hanji's question had been rhetorical, or that they simply weren’t expecting him to answer, before Hanji is slamming their cutlery to the table.

 

“What!?” they screech, hands flying to their head and burying themselves in their already-messy hair. Eren's ears flatten at the piercing sound but he manages to stay seated. “I swear, when we find that rat I’m going to…” Hanji ends the threat in another loud shout of frustration, words not enough to express how they feel. “Here. Have this. I can’t eat right now,” they say, pushing their plate over to Eren. He tries not to look too eager at the offer, but his thought from before still stands true; half a plate of warm food can’t be wasted, and neither can a much needed distraction. Hanji mutters to themselves, dragging their hands down their face and displacing their glasses so they can rub their fingertips into their eyes. Even after both Eren and Levi have finished eating, they don’t move. Eren notices Levi looking at their still frame for a moment, before he begins standing from the table.

 

“Bring those over to the sink so I can wash them,” he says, and it takes Eren a second to realise that he is talking to him. He gestures to the two plates in front of Eren, his own held in one hand already, before walking away, adding, “Don’t knock any chairs over or flip the table, four-eyes. I’ll be pissed.” Hanji grunts in response, followed by a sigh, and Eren casts them one last glance before pushing his chair out. Leaving them in this state seems to be the best option, although he can’t imagine them flying into a rage and breaking things like Levi had suggested they might.

 

“Where is the one you used this morning?” Levi asks when Eren has placed his stack in the sink, startling him slightly. Eren flicks his eyes to Levi and then away, pointing in the direction of the glass wall. He thinks that he would actually like to go back over there, just to put some space between him and the two humans. Neither of them are in a good mood, though Levi isn’t acting hostile towards him at all. His speech is blunt, but not unkind. “I’ll go get it. Start the water in the meantime.” Eren almost protests, his plan of retreating foiled, but Levi is already halfway across the room. He flicks an ear in annoyance and twists the handle to turn on the tap. The running water makes him think of taking a bath, since he hadn’t yesterday and feels like he needs some time alone to process this weirdly normal evening. He jumps when Levi appears next to him.

 

“What are you doing? It needs to be hot water, not cold,” he says brusquely, and Eren's ear flicks again. Levi notices from the corner of his eye and bites his cheek before speaking again. “Your table manners were decent enough so I didn’t think that I would have to teach you this.”

 

Eren wants to leave. He can feel his tail bristling at Levi's tone. But being this close to the man is lessening that irritation, partly because he is half a head taller and that makes him feels better on some base level, but also because he can smell him, new and unknown. And Eren feels compelled to learn Levi's scent. _Maybe that way I can stop him from sneaking up on me again_.

 

When Levi reaches over to switch the temperature of the tap, the air stirs and Eren focuses. He doesn’t have to inhale any deeper than usual to pick up the scent, so Levi shouldn’t notice what he is doing. He blinks and furrows his brow at the soft smell of vanilla. He had been expecting something a little heavier, not the light, almost floral fragrance that he gets. It is a fresh, clean smell, with a less obvious hint of something more masculine that Eren would have guessed would be stronger than it actually is. He works through the layers, noting them in his mind and recognising them as _Levi_ , before it is all overpowered by citrus. Levi has opened the bottle of yellow-coloured soap gel and is wetting a sponge under the tap.

 

“Warm water gets things clean better than cold,” he explains, but Eren can’t figure out why he is telling this to him. “Just watch.” Eren does, more because he doesn’t want to face any possible consequences for disobeying than because he is actually interested. Levi finishes one plate and puts it on the rack to the side before turning to him. Eren makes sure that he looks like he’s been paying attention. Then Levi holds out the sponge and says, “You try now.”

 

“Huh?” Eren says, sure he is mistaking something about what Levi has said and his body language. But when Levi simply looks at him and waits, he closes his mouth and furrows his brow. He takes the wet sponge, careful not to touch Levi's fingers, and picks up the next plate in the small pile hesitantly, hoping that he can get through this quickly.

 

“No.” Eren freezes at the word, fingers almost slipping on the plate and dropping it. He’d barely begun but Levi sounds unhappy already. His ears are down-turned, anticipating anger. But when he turns his head he finds none. In fact, Levi is making an expression he hasn’t seen before, pinched brows and gaze on Eren's ears and rigid body. He looks almost as uncomfortable as Eren feels. _Awkward,_ is the word his mind supplies. And after a moment, Eren has to agree. He can tell that the narrow eyes and thinned lips aren’t exactly directed at him, although the differences are still very subtle compared to Levi's other expressions. The man seems troubled, debating something silently in his head before he speaks again.

 

“…Not like that. If you scrub in circles then it gets it cleaner. It’s more efficient… works better.” Levi's voice isn’t as smooth, sentences not flowing like they usually do, as if he is choosing his words carefully. Eren doesn’t know why he suddenly feels the need to do so. His crude way of talking is something that Eren has become used to, part of the man’s standoffish personality. He doesn’t quite know how to handle this, other than listening to him and praying that it goes well, but then he hasn’t really known how to handle any of the recent events. So he takes Levi's advice, moving the sponge in circles instead of lines across the plate like he had been doing before. Levi doesn’t stop him this time, so he continues, eyes on his work and more concentrated than before. He rinses the plate when he feels he has done enough, placing it in the rack one slot in front of the one already drying there. He looks to Levi nervously, apprehensive of his judgement. Levi meets his eyes, seemingly with some difficulty, and clears his throat quietly.

 

“Good,” he says gruffly, and Eren's eyes widen in disbelief. “Now you know how. I’ll do the rest, so you don’t have to stand here.” Eren steps aside, still recovering, and Levi is quick to take his place. He knows he’s been dismissed but can’t move. It’s like the world under his feet has tilted. Levi keeps his back to him, but Eren wants to ask him things, and doesn’t know where to start. For this, he would like an explanation, just for peace of mind. His mind is muddled and slow, all because he doesn’t understand.

 

“Oi, Eren. Do you hate me?”

 

Eren can’t see Levi's face, only able to look at the back of his head, but he wishes that he could. Without it, he can’t properly gauge what Levi is feeling, and right now he could use that help. Because Levi doesn’t usually ask him questions, has only done so maybe once before, and this one seems to have come from nowhere. His first thought is to say, _I hate all humans,_ but he stops himself. He looks over to where Hanji is still seated and realises that that isn’t true. _What is Levi looking for? Why is this important?_ He starts to wonder about many things, but stops that too when it yields no answers. He decides to just be honest. He’s overthinking and taking too long to reply, and it’s unnecessary. It’s an easy question, even though he’s now living in a very grey area.

 

“No.”

 

Levi doesn’t turn around, but Eren knows he heard him since he pauses in his washing up. It is quiet for a long moment, other than the sound of rushing water.

 

“Then that’s fine. I crossed a line before. It won’t happen again.”

 

Eren takes a while to recognise it as an indirect apology. But he realises that just because the word ‘sorry’ hadn’t been said does not make it any less meaningful, since Levi's tone had told him all that he needed. It’s the same honest feeling he had picked up on before, although he can’t trust his own head to understand it properly since he feels so mentally exhausted. He decides to try to make sense of it another time, when he doesn’t feel like he is living in a dream world. As he passes the table, Hanji finally lifts their head, readjusting their glasses.

 

“Hey, Eren, you look quite tired even after your nap. Why don’t you go lie down in your room for a while?” Eren would have ignored them, but something they had said makes him halt his steps.

 

“My room?” Hanji tilts their head and gives him a curious look.

 

“Yeah, your room, y’know, with your bed and your clothes.” Eren had never thought of it that way. None of the things in this place could be called his possessions as far as he had been concerned. But now that Hanji says it so easily, he realises that unconsciously he must have been getting attached without meaning to. Because it all suddenly clicks in his head. It _is_ his room, not a cage anymore. He has clothes. They’re soft and warm and they smell of him. The bed is the same. His bed. His room.

 

He hums and nods to them, since he isn’t ready to make coherent sentences after his epiphany, and walks away feeling… better. In a way that he can’t explain. His lips curve in a tiny smile. The bath is calling him, and then he will sleep like Hanji suggested, hopefully through the night.

 

 _In_ my _bed._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There were multiple ways in which things in this chapter could have gone but I think I had them all react in the way I wanted. I spent a lot of time thinking about how they would all express themselves but I don't know how effective it was.  
> Anyway, I'm going to play Super Smash Bros 3DS for the rest of the evening. Thank you for the continued support, guys. I read back on the comments when I was feeling down and it really helped <3


	13. The Check Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this week was a week of illness for me. It's hard to write when you feel like death, so I was going _really_ slowly. And then chapter 62 came out and I literally stopped everything I was doing I was so sad. I still am. People make jokes and I have tears in my eyes. Far too emotional. But anyway, the story must go on, for both SnK and this fic. Somehow I managed 5000 words through all that, yay me!
> 
> Thank you for all the comments last chapter, I love that you guys are still reading *hugs*  
> Small trigger warning for self-hate, specifically appearance, just in case

 

Dreams are elusive things. Sometimes so vague that it is hard to know whether you had been standing, sitting, or flying through them, and even the more vivid ones can slip through your mind like sand only minutes after waking. Sometimes the strongest impression you are left with is the people, sometimes it’s the place, and other times it’s simply the feeling, without any background to base the emotion on.

 

Eren opens his eyes and instantly knows that it is too early. There’s an itch in his nose and cramp in the base of his tail that can’t be left alone. He rubs at it, massaging the tense muscle until it starts to cooperate again. All he can remember from the end of his dream is that he had practically fallen out of it; had tripped on something, squeezed his eyes shut, and then woken up in his bed, suddenly conscious.

 

And it’s too early. Somehow he knows that he hasn’t slept for as long as he usually does. But he feels fine despite that, so he stretches languidly and gets up. His usual bathroom routine is completed quietly, and then he feels ready to go out.

 

The door is ajar, just how he left it, so today he can use his own power to grant himself freedom. Eren had thought about closing it completely, but knew that he wouldn’t be able to handle it if it had ended up being locked again. He rejected the idea so intensely that he had almost thrown up. He reaches his fingers through the small gap and pulls, feeling the muscles in his arms exert themselves to get the heavy metal to swing open.

 

He only feels the need to scent the air once; the room is empty. A rare opportunity. There’s nothing but a faint sound coming from the other side of the room, which he thinks he might investigate later. For now, his plan is to check the exit.

 

He knows which door it is, so he turns right out of his room and walks along the wall until he is standing in front of it. A palm is raised and pressed against the metal, running over the surface curiously. There are no imperfections, no bumps or scratches discovered under his fingertips. The sturdy hinges show no weaknesses either. He knocks his knuckles against the centre a few times, and it is so solid that it barely makes a sound. The keyhole is small under a large handle, and Eren bends down to look at it closer. There’s no way he could use any kind of tool to get inside it and fiddle around, like he had often thought of doing to his old cage with its much larger lock. A key really is the only way out.

 

He sighs lightly and turns away, satisfied with just that small check for now. With the knowledge that he can’t force his way out, Eren sees no reason in dwelling on it and wasting his energy.

 

He still seems to be the only one up and feels lost as to what to do, so he decides to snoop around a bit more, starting in the kitchen. When he walks over, he notices that the plates and cutlery that he and Levi had washed up last night have already been put away, the drying rack left empty and clean. Standing in the same spot that he had been then, Eren thinks back on their conversation with a clear head.

 

He respects Levi for admitting that he had been the one at fault. After being around him and observing him, Eren can see that the man isn’t made of ice and stone. He will hold him to his words. That way he has no reason to be afraid.

 

Nothing in the first few cupboards Eren opens hold much interest, but the sound he had picked up on before is a little louder over here. It sounds like humming, but from what he does not know. He looks in the lower cupboards, guessing it to be coming from some kind of machine, but finds nothing. He swivels each of his ears independently and cocks his head to the side in order to better pinpoint the source of the sound. After listening intently for a few seconds, he determines that it’s not actually coming from the kitchen, but is somewhere close by. A door in the other corner of the room seems to be the most likely place, so he moves towards it to investigate.

 

Just as he comes within an arm’s reach, the quiet hum stops. Now even more curious, Eren steps forward and presses an ear against the wood, holding his breath and straining his hearing. He knows he hadn’t been imagining the noise, even though he hasn’t heard it before. He puts one hand on the handle and is about to go inside, but a new sound stops him. It’s not the same as the low hum from before, more like rustling and… footsteps? Before he can tell whether it really is a person on the other side of the door, the handle moves from under his fingers without him touching it. Eren stumbles back a step as the door opens to reveal Levi, topless and with a towel hanging around his neck.

 

 _Human bodies and werewolf bodies really are the same_ , he thinks, before his brain stutters from the shock. Eren is in silent awe over the definition and tone of the chest on display in front of him, close enough to reach out and touch, if he dared. He can tell that it must have taken years of work to get so strong.

 

He wraps an arm around his own thin frame.

 

Levi's face shows no surprise, but Eren can read it in the sudden tension in the exposed muscles of his torso, ready to coil and fight since he had been caught off-guard.

 

_How scary… but I know how that feels._

 

“…Need something? It’s a little early for you to be up,” Levi says, rubbing one end of his towel over his damp hair. “If you need a bathroom then why not use your own?”

 

Eren flushes slightly and tucks his tail, embarrassed but thankful that Levi had come out before he could go in and accidentally intrude. He hadn’t known that this particular room is a bathroom. The humming sound he had heard must’ve been the water pipes, he guesses, since Levi looks fresh out of the shower. Steam is beginning to waft out of the doorway, surrounding Eren with humid warmth, and the air is saturated with Levi's scent and what must be the smell of his body wash.

 

“I thought… I heard something, so I was just- I mean I didn’t know this was the bathroom and I didn’t know you were in there so… it’s not like I need anything,” Eren mumbles, feeling his hair and fur start to frizz from the moisture in the air.

 

“Hm, these rooms are supposed to be basically soundproof. If you let four-eyes know that your hearing is that good then it’ll probably be a pain in the ass, for me _and_ you. I’m usually up and showered before you’re awake, and force shitty four-eyes to go at the same time as you since that way they can’t use you as an excuse, so I suppose there’s no reason for you to know what things are yet. That idiot needs to care more about personal hygiene.” Levi stops, frowning. He lowers the towel from his head, and Eren is struck by the sight of the man’s usually neat hair now dishevelled on one side. It unexpectedly makes Eren smile, Levi's intimidating image slowly crumbling. The messy array of his fringe over his forehead makes his face look softer.

 

Levi notices Eren's lips curve and raises an eyebrow. “Well, if you don’t need anything then…” he trails of, giving Eren the chance to disagree, but when he says nothing Levi simply shrugs one shoulder and walks away. He goes one door down and into his room, leaving Eren with just his scent. Leaning forwards, he pokes his head into the now empty bathroom. It is much like his own, almost an exact copy, so he doesn’t feel the need to actually go inside. He wanders around the main room for a while, alone with his thoughts, and soon ends up back in the kitchen. Standing in front of the fridge makes him aware of his vague hunger, and although it would normally feel too early for food, the commotion surrounding the full moon has thrown off Hanji's schedule for meals. _They wouldn’t mind if I just had something small by myself, right?_

 

Eren reaches out and grabs the cool, silver handle, and when nothing bad happens, he pulls it open. The inside is bright and inviting, shelves overflowing with bottles and packets of various colours. A few things rattle as Eren slows the swing of the door, but he barely takes any notice, too entranced by the selection of food in front of him. The clear drawer at the bottom is so full that he can’t guess what hides behind the front row of items, and the top shelf is a little too high above his head for him to see what it holds without rising high on his toes. The smells are so mixed that he’s having trouble picking any one thing out. He stares and basks in the glow of the artificial light for a moment. He takes out a packet of something at random, holding it carefully in both hands and starts to read the label.

 

He doesn’t get past the brand name before the alarm goes off. Although it isn’t very loud, the short sequence of three beeps shocks Eren so much that he jumps a foot in the air and yelps. There is a pause, in which he freezes and grips the packet so hard that the plastic crinkles, and then it sounds again. _Beep beep beep!_ Eren shoves the food back in the fridge without looking for an actual space, the force knocking over other bottles and jars. He slams the door shut, hearing the crash of things continue from inside, and recoils backwards like he’s been burned. He only stops when the middle of his spine hits the countertop behind him, hard enough to make him wince. One hand flies up to cover his mouth while the other holds the wounded area gently. He turns sideways slowly so that he can lean on the island, hunching over and hissing breath through clenched teeth.

 

The throbbing subsides after a moment, although the muscles in his back still protest loudly when he finally straightens up. Eren slumps slightly and feels sorry for himself, lamenting over the snack that had apparently never meant to be. That’s how Hanji finds him later on.

 

“Eren? You’re up already? You should’ve come and got me! I mean, I wasn’t doing anything important, just sleeping, well, more like resting my eyes, and the dream I was having was one I’d seen before so in fact I would’ve preferred to be woken up and… hey, are you okay?” Hanji walks over and Eren nods at them. The minimal ache in his back is nothing to concern them about, he’s dealt with worse and it will be gone soon anyway.

 

“Okay then. Well, where was I? Uhh… actually, never mind that. Say, Eren, have you eaten anything yet? Oh please say you haven’t, _please._ ” Hanji leans towards Eren, crowding into his personal space a little more than he’d like. He hunches over defensively.

 

“No. Of course not. It’s not like I was stealing or anything just because I’m in the kitchen.” Hanji stands upright again and makes a face.

 

“Stealing? Who said anything about stealing? The only thing I need to know is that your stomach is empty and therefore that my plans can continue! So, Eren, would you mind if I conducted a tiny little health check on you? Pretty please?” Hanji's eyes are begging and they clasp their hands together near their chest. Eren takes his time thinking it over, feeling like he has a bit more room to breathe.

 

“What kind of health check?” he asks apprehensively. Hanji bounces in place, smiling as if the question had been some kind of affirmation already.

 

“Well, I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time, but we had to deal with all that restraint nonsense before. It’s just something simple and non-invasive, you don’t really have to do anything. I’ll record a few measurements, your weight most importantly, and just generally make sure everything is okay. Ideally, I’d like to do one every week, if you agree. We’d do them in the mornings before breakfast, so that I get more consistent values and results. It won’t take long, promise. It would really help me out!” Hanji becomes more insistent and pleading the longer they talk, and starts to lean forward again without really noticing. Eren takes the easiest route in order to ease his growing discomfort at their approach.

 

“Yeah, that’s fine, I guess. Now?” he says quietly. Hanji claps their hands once and grins at him. Out of the corner of his eye, Eren spots Levi re-emerging from his room, fully clothed and looking more put-together than before.

 

“Yes, yes, yes! And then we can all have some food. Whatever you like!”

 

“What the hell are you excited about now, four-eyes?” Levi asks as he walks over. Hanji turns to him and crowds him instead, and Eren lets out a sigh of relief. _The energy is hard to deal with up close_.

 

“Oh, Levi, where have you been? Eren's gonna let me do regular check-ups, and we’re going to start right now, isn’t that wonderful?”

 

“I’m ecstatic,” Levi deadpans. “You’re not a doctor,” he adds, but Hanji cannot be deterred.

 

“Well, technically I—”

 

“Not a _medical_ doctor, for fucks sake. Just don’t try to do anything weird. Now out of my way, I need a drink.”

 

“Sure we’ll move. The scales are in the bathroom, Eren, so just let me go and get them and my other stuff and we’ll begin.

 

"You can take your shirt off while you wait so you’ll be ready to go.”

 

Eren halts where he’d been following them. _I have to take my top off? Here?_ His tight, one-handed grip on the hem of the fabric shows how much he doesn’t want to do that. With the other hand, he reaches out and grabs onto Hanji's wrist before they can stride away. Thankfully, they stop instantly even though he doesn’t use much of the strength in his arms. His grip, however, is as tight as a vice. Hanji turns and looks at him questioningly. His ears turn back but his hold stays firm.

 

“I can’t do that,” he says too fast in an anxious whisper.

 

“Is there something wrong, Eren? Why not?” He squeezes their wrist harder since their voice is too loud, and he’s trying to be discrete. They obviously can’t see why it’s a big deal, but his heart is starting to race. He darts his eyes to Levi, who is waiting for the kettle to boil. When he looks up and sees Eren watching him, Eren shrinks in on himself and whips his head around. Because he hadn’t been staring at his face.

 

Instead, he had been fixated on his body. Even though Levi is fully covered now, the image from before is burned into his brain. He doesn’t want to undress where Levi can see. Because Levi is strong and powerful under those clothes, everything Eren wishes he could be. His skinny appearance is pitiful in comparison. He doesn’t have thick arms or broad shoulders, and his bones stick out far more than he likes. Far more than they used to.

 

_Levi definitely cannot see me._

 

“Can we go somewhere else? Please?” he asks, staring at the floor. “We can go in there so you don’t have to move the scales anywhere.” He points to the bathroom door, hoping he can persuade them for the sake of his privacy.

 

“Uh, sure. I mean, I don’t mind either way. But may I ask why?” Hanji places their hand over his, and Eren controls himself and gradually loosens his grip. He swallows thickly and ducks his head even lower.

 

“ _I don’t want Levi to see me_.” He has to force himself to say the answer, and even then it comes out barely above a whisper. Feeling close to tears at the confession, he frowns at his feet and blinks quickly to hold them back. He loathes his own weakness. Despises it. Bites the inside of his lip until it bleeds.

 

Hanji is silent for a moment, and then pats his tense hand and lets go.

 

“Okay, Levi, Eren's shy so we’re going to do it in the bathroom instead. Don’t make a mess while we’re gone,” they sing whilst steering Eren towards the open door by his shoulders. Eren can’t see his face, but knows that it must be highly unamused.

 

“Fuck right off, shitty four-eyes.” The normal response reassures Eren, since it hopefully means Levi hadn’t overheard them and his reason. His worry fades the closer they get to the other room.

 

“Wait in there while I get everything else I need, okay?” Hanji says to him in a quieter voice than usual, and then the weight of their hands is gone and Eren is left alone. The steam from Levi's shower has long-since disappeared, but there is still some visible condensation at the corner of the mirror above the sink. The scent of vanilla is still detectable, floating in the air. Eren sits on the lid of the toilet and watches the door for Hanji. It doesn’t take them very long at all to return, and they close the door behind them. Instead of feeling trapped, Eren feels relieved.

 

“Now this is just like a proper appointment, huh?” Hanji says happily. They set up their equipment on the counter around the sink, and Eren stands when they ask him to with a gesture of their hand. “Okay, first things first, let’s get a proper height for you instead of my previous guess, although I’m sure I won’t be far off.” They hold up a tape measure and Eren positions himself with his back against the wall so that they can measure him how they like. “Ah, one hundred and seventy centimetres. It feels good to be right! I didn’t really need to use the tape measure, since I can clearly see we are the same height in the mirror, but one must be thorough with one’s examinations, don’t you think?” Eren simply nods, noticing that Hanji is mostly talking to themselves for the time being. They bring out a new notebook, one with a brown cover as opposed to their usual black one, and write the number down on the first page under the date at the top.

 

“I’m going to record everything so that we can do comparisons for the future and hopefully see some good results,” Hanji explains, catching Eren watching them write. “Now if you’d come over to the scales, please.”

 

The scales are placed against the wall near the bathtub, and Hanji bends down to press a small button at the top to turn them on. The rectangular screen at the top flashes and then beeps once to show that it’s ready. Eren steps on when Hanji tells him to, and only realises he’s fidgeting when they put a hand on his arm to tell him to stop.

 

He tries to stand still and waits. It takes longer than he thought it would, and he looks up to Hanji, about to ask if it is working correctly or not. It’s because of that random glance that he sees them wince at the same time as the scales make a second beep. The expression is gone a second later, their face smoothed into professional blankness. It makes Eren worry.

 

“Forty-five kilograms.” They write it down slowly. Eren doesn’t really understand what that means in terms of his health, but knows that it can’t be great based off Hanji's reaction. Their tone is as blank as their face. He looks down and sees the number _45.0_ blinking up at him without feeling anything. “I won’t lie to you, Eren. That is _very_ underweight. But we’ve got you at the right time, so don’t worry too much. It just concerns me that this is probably already an improvement, considering you’ve been with us for over three weeks now.” Hanji taps their pen against the side of the notebook for a few seconds while they look deep in thought. “Hmm, okay, come back over here and have a seat.”

 

Eren steps off the scales and follows Hanji back to the sink and reclaims his seat on the toilet lid, since it is the closest place. They mutter to themselves for a little while, and then turn around with a stethoscope in their hands.

 

The sight reminds Eren of his father. He furrows his brow and brings a hand up to touch the outline of his key.

 

“Eren, can you take your shirt off now? I want to listen to your heart.” Eren snaps out of his daze at Hanji's words, hesitating before reaching to pull off his top. He wonders why it doesn’t feel suffocating to do so in front of them, whereas he needs to be in a completely different room to Levi. _Is it not the same? Am I just being silly?_ Hanji has a slender build, but Eren can tell that they aren’t frail in the slightest. Yet it’s no problem when it’s just the two of them. Eren doesn’t know whether it’s due to the time they have spent together or if it’s because he’s treating them as nothing more than a doctor right now. It might be something else altogether, a difference between the two that he can’t identify.

 

Bare-chested, he sits obediently as Hanji crouches in front of him and places the end of the stethoscope on his chest. The first contact is cold, and he jumps a little at the shock but settles quickly. They don’t mention the movement, nor the key hanging around his neck which he doesn’t take off. He notices that their gaze is drawn to it at first, as well as the sharp protrusions of his bones. Making sure his breathing is steady, he fixes his gaze on a point on the far wall. Hanji holds the chestpiece in two different areas for about a minute each, before removing it and taking out the earpieces.

 

“Lungs sound fine and heart beat is normal, which is good news. Maybe a little fast, but I’m no expert. We can see if it changes in the future. Malnutrition can cause arrhythmia, so I’m very glad you don’t have that.” At Eren's confused expression, Hanji elaborates. “You know, irregularities in your heart beat. A strange pace or something. I’d be able to hear it if you had it, but you don’t so I’m happy.” Eren nods his understanding; he hadn’t known that. _If my heart didn’t work then that would be scary_ , he thinks _._

 

Next, Hanji measures around his waist, which he stands for, and makes more notes in their book. They don’t comment aloud, so he doesn’t think anything of it. His arm gets squeezed in some kind of strange sleeve device, and Hanji says it’s measuring his blood pressure; another thing that goes over his head. It gets tighter than he had expected, and his arm feels odd afterwards. Hanji is once again happy that the result is normal. They look into his eyes and pinch his fingers to check his circulation and ask him if he feels cold often, to which he answers no.

 

“I suppose you do feel a little hotter than is usual for humans. Do you ever feel faint? Dizzy?” they ask, and Eren thinks back to the first few days when he had physically felt the worst.

 

“Not anymore. A hot bath made me dizzy once but that was a while ago.” Hanji nods and smiles gently.

 

“How about sleeping? Getting better? Worse?” Eren doesn’t know how to answer that, since there’s no strict pattern to how his nights will go, so he just shrugs. Hanji nods sympathetically and continues. “Getting into a habit might help, but you can always come to me for anything. A warm drink or something for example. There a plenty of things that are said to work, and we can try various things. Any aches and pains? Prolonged discomfort?” He thinks about shrugging to this one too, but Hanji has been so kind that he feels comfortable talking a little more.

 

“My back hurts sometimes… a lot of the time. It clicks everyday. And my muscles are quite stiff, all of them when I wake up. I don’t think I can lift anything heavy either.”

 

“Well, I won’t be asking you to do manual labour,” they laugh, and Eren cracks a small smile in response. “I can try you on some painkillers for the really bad days but, honestly, good food and a little exercise should fix most of your problems. Plus some TLC! Overall, I’m not too worried, Eren, so you shouldn’t be either. We’ll take care of you, both me and Levi. You’re lacking in a few areas, probably vitamins the most, although it’s not as bad as I’d feared. You’re young, and not getting enough of something during puberty can have consequences, but it doesn’t look like your bone growth has been stunted, and if you start your recovery now then you should grow even taller! Top priority is your weight. Obviously it’s us who control your diet, but next time we go shopping, feel free to ask for things. You need to get back into healthy parameters, and I’m going to set a goal of an eighteen kilogram weight gain from your start weight of forty-five kilos. That’ll bring you up to sixty-three kilos if you reach it, which is a nice average for a male of your height. We’ll keep it steady, and you shouldn’t expect much more than half a kilo gained each week. That’s why these check-ups will be so useful, for you _and_ me. Once a week, in the morning before breakfast. I’ll remind you so much that you’ll probably get bored of hearing it! Let’s work together, Eren, okay?”

 

At that, Eren's smile widens and gets brighter. He nods enthusiastically, feeling optimistic after all the poking and prodding. “Yeah. Thank you, Hanji.”

 

“No problem, Eren. You can put your shirt back on now. Oh, wait, actually, just one more thing…” Eren pauses with both hands already in the sleeves. “Can I touch your tail like this? Not as a wolf I mean.” He tilts his head at the request, not seeing why it’s necessary since there’s nothing wrong with his tail at all. But Hanji has a shine in their eyes that he doesn’t want to kill, so he nods. He trusts them.

 

“Yeah, okay, sure.” He stands and turns, and with them still crouching, his fur brushes against the tip of their nose. Hanji laughs and reaches up to touch it, immediately burrowing their fingers into the dense fur. Eren can feel his tail twitch at the unfamiliar contact, but thinks that it’s not exactly a bad thing. Just new. A new sensation for him to learn.

 

He almost wants to ask for a head rub, since he knows it feels much nicer.

 

Hanji’s fingers explore and stroke to their hearts content, and just as Eren is pulling his head through the neck-hole of his shirt, they stroke over where his tail meets his lower back and fur turns to skin. He squeaks and gets stuck, blindly jerking away from the touch. The fabric hides the blush colouring his cheeks.

 

“What is it, Eren? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

 

“Hanji, it’s okay,” Eren cuts in, finally pulling his head through. “It was… ticklish. That’s all. You startled me.” The ghostly brush of their fingers had sent a shiver right up his spine. Eren is embarrassed by the noise he had made.

 

“Oh. Oh my… that’s…” Hanji makes a strange face, and then bursts into laughter, bending forwards and holding onto their knees. Eren resituates his t-shirt over his torso and watches them shake on the floor, unsure as to what is so funny but feeling more comfortable at being dressed once more. It takes them a long time to quiet down, but Eren is content to leave them to it and not disturb their fun.

 

“I never know quite what to expect with you, Eren,” they finally say when they catch their breath, wiping a tear from under their glasses. Eren just smiles nervously. They straighten up and collect their things. “Well, we’re done for today, so there’s no need to hang around in the bathroom anymore. Let’s go eat!” The mention of food is all Eren needs to go to the door and open it, although when he does, he wishes that he’d waited a little longer. Levi is in the kitchen and has a hand on the fridge handle, and before Eren can say anything, he pulls it open.

 

Eren sees it as if watching it in slow motion. An avalanche of food falls from the open door, and one shelf in particular, Eren knows, is the source of it all. The sound of it all hitting the floor is loud in comparison to the silence that follows. The surprise on Levi's face is brief, however, and quickly morphs into anger. Eren hides behind the door frame.

 

“Hanji! You piece of shit! What the fuck did you do in the fridge!?”

 

+++++

 

Levi only calms down after giving Hanji a long lecture over breakfast, cursing the whole way through. Listening in from the sidelines, Eren has to admit that he is thankful to them for taking the blame. When Levi had shouted the first time, Hanji had taken one look at Eren's panicked face and had put two and two together, stepping in before anything else could happen. Only one jar had broken and made an actual mess that required cleaning products and scrubbing, so cleaning up afterwards could’ve been much worse; that’s what Hanji had said. They had also winked conspiratorially at him from across the table.

 

Eren had smiled back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Solidarity! This chapter was supposed to have more Levi, but Eren kicked him out, I'm (kind of) sorry. That just means it will have to wait for next chapter maybe. Also, for those of you not using the metric system, 45kg is about 100 pounds.
> 
> I have assignments to do and I'm not doing them yet, shout out to everyone out there doing the same. We'll all get there eventually~


	14. The Cycle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for another two week wait! I feel terrible for not being able to write as much and as fast as I'd like. Researching for assignments is a bigger pain in the butt than it has any right to be, it takes up so much frickin time! Anyway, thank you for your patience, and thank you for 400+ kudos and 5000+ hits!! I reread comments as motivation, sometimes for life in general, so hugs to all of you :3 I'm trying to pick up momentum somehow but it's hard, and I'm not sure what to say about this chapter really.

 

Eren frowns at his hands, clutched tight around his knees, which are pressed together. He had helped out by taking his plate over to the sink, but had then immediately left the kitchen. Despite saying he wasn’t angry anymore, Levi had been washing the dishes a little harder than necessary, and the lingering guilt of having Hanji take the blame for his mistake drove Eren away. It didn’t feel right, his relief quickly replaced by a knot in his gut. Self-preservation at Hanji's expense is wrong, he thinks.

 

So now he sits alone, in the middle of the sofa. He doesn’t want to go back to his room this early, the day has barely begun, but it’s strange to sit on someone else’s couch without being told. The armchair had been his first choice, since he could be comfortable yet separate, not taking up too much space, but it is already occupied by piles of books – Eren takes a moment to predict that Hanji will get scolded again for that while Levi is in this bad mood. His gut twists at the thought. _They shouldn’t have to deal with that too_. He briefly entertains the idea of moving them himself, cleaning up before Levi can notice, but realises that it may have the opposite effect and only bring attention to the mess, especially when he wouldn’t know where to put them afterwards.

 

So he stays where he is. Hanji had rushed into their study after the last bite of their meal, their explanation muffled and unintelligible around the food still in their mouth. Although the door isn’t fully closed, Eren decides not to follow after them; if they want to hide from Levi's wrath then he doesn’t want to be the one to disturb them. He leaves them to it, under the assumption that whatever they are doing is important and requires solitude.

 

The feeling of needing to be near someone is getting annoying, and he doesn’t want to act on it. Not every time, anyway. Eren fiddles with his fingers and shifts in his seat. The leather cushion makes a soft sound as he does.

 

Levi is also making quiet noise behind him, after boiling the kettle for the second time that morning. Eren twists his ears and listens, eyes still focused on his restless hands. When he concentrates, he can hear Levi's footsteps moving towards him. He assumes that Levi will also retreat to his room for some time, but instead the man comes around the side of the couch to take a seat to Eren's right. Levi lounges backwards with his mug in one hand, seemingly taking no notice when Eren shuffles a little further to the left to give him more room.

 

Levi doesn’t say anything, occasionally sipping his drink, and the silence feels like a weight on Eren's shoulders that grows heavier with every passing minute. The knowledge of the lie is gnawing away at him worse now that Levi is so close. He knows that he’s putting a lot of pressure on himself for a little white lie, but can do nothing to stop it. Even if he had a way to distract himself, it wouldn’t suddenly make it feel alright. He flinches slightly when Levi crosses his legs, and when he unconsciously starts wringing his hands, he knows he can’t hold it in any longer. His fidgeting is probably giving him away already.

 

“It was me,” Eren blurts out, turning his body to face Levi, who pauses with the mug halfway to his lips. Their eyes meet and Eren does his best not to waver, ready to accept whatever Levi gives him head-on. He does blink a few times, however, when Levi narrows his eyes and lowers his hand. Eren only hopes that the confrontation won’t be too harsh; Hanji dealt well with Levi's tirade, entirely blasé, but Eren is sure he can’t cope with it as effortlessly as them.

 

“What?” Levi sounds genuinely confused, the inflection of his voice different to the low anger Eren had been expecting. There is a moment where Levi just stares at him while he processes the change and wonders how to continue. He hadn’t really planned for this to be an actual conversation.

 

“Uh, the fridge, earlier… it was me. My fault, I mean.” That brings a flash of understanding to Levi's eyes, and his brow furrows. But once again he doesn’t look like he’s going to shout. More like he has just realised that there’s a bad taste in his mouth. The grimace prompts the rest of the story to spill from Eren's mouth, rushed and apologetic. “Well, you see, I was just having a look, because I didn’t know when breakfast was going to be and I thought you were both sleeping, so I got curious. But then it started making this beeping noise and I thought I’d done something wrong so I shut the door too fast, and even though I heard things fall over I didn’t fix it so you shouldn’t blame Hanji or fight with Hanji anymore because it was all me.” Eren lowers his head slightly, sure that this must be the point at which Levi gets mad.

 

“So Hanji covered for you?” is all Levi asks, not even annoyed. Eren looks up and nods hesitantly. Levi clenches his jaw slightly and then sighs, his free hand coming up to pinch at the bridge of his nose. When he lets go a few seconds later, Eren is surprised that he’s so relaxed; that they both are, in fact.

 

“Am I in trouble?” Eren asks, and then the panic finally sets in when he realises what the consequences of his confession could be. “Are you going to lock me up again?” His voice is unsteady, and he clings to his tail with one hand. He trusts Levi to not hurt him physically, knows that they have barely even touched, but that doesn’t mean punishments could come in other forms.

 

“No, of course not,” Levi says quickly, and Eren shudders out a breath. “There’s no need, it wasn’t a big deal. Nobody got hurt. The refrigerator beeps when you leave the door open for too long and start letting all the cold air out, so it was just an alert. Looking for food when you’re hungry isn’t a crime, and I’m certainly not the one to preach to you about it. Still, four-eyes has done it before and never listens, so they had that lecture coming ages ago. I let them off easy.”

 

Levi looks down at his mug, face impassive, and Eren can’t quite match this Levi to the one who berated Hanji over breakfast only a short while ago. _How come I get away with nothing but a calm explanation_? No raised voices, only a short dismissal. Not even a warning not to do it again. Eren opens his mouth but then closes it again, aware that the question he was going to ask would actually be a repeat of what he had already said.

 

“I… I’ll help clean up next time,” he says instead. Levi huffs and swirls his drink gently.

 

“How about you just make sure there isn’t a next time.” _There it is,_ Eren thinks, and catches himself smiling even though he knows it’s not a joke. Learning Levi's thought process feels like an accomplishment after getting all of his previous assumptions wrong, especially when compared to Hanji's chaotic personality. The tightness in his chest is gone, so Eren relaxes into the cushions a little more.

 

“Yeah, okay.” Levi nods to show he’s heard him, but doesn’t meet his eyes. Even when Eren stares at the side of his face, watching his profile for some other response, the man’s gaze is fixed elsewhere. When he realises that he actually wants the conversation to continue, Eren bites the inside of his lip, soothing the area with his tongue before it can start to bleed again. The atmosphere is lighter, but talking is better than silence, so he scours his mind for something else to say.

 

“What are you drinking?” It is the first thing that comes to Eren’s mind, seeing as the steaming mug is stealing Levi's attention away from him. Eren asks without really thinking, but then decides he really would like to know the answer. Levi puts the kettle on everyday like it’s his favourite hobby, but all Eren can tell from the smell is that it isn’t coffee.

 

“It’s tea,” Levi replies simply, and Eren nods quickly, once again waiting for an elaboration that never comes. _He’s making this hard. What do I say now?_

 

“Oh. I’ve never had tea.” Eren cringes at how terrible his attempt is, wishing the words hadn’t been said out loud. It sounds too final, too much like the end of an exchange, and he doesn’t feel like he has enough social skills to salvage whatever they had had before. He curses to himself, hunching his shoulders.

 

“Neither had I, when I was your age.” Eren halts his internal conflict and perks up, ears flicking forward at Levi's unexpected statement. He looks over at the man, silently urging him to carry on, and clings to every word when he does. “Not really, anyway. What I have now is the good stuff. My first taste was no better than boiled weeds, disgusting and hard to swallow but I did it anyway because I thought it was high-class. Not that drinking it out of a tin mug was exactly sophisticated.” Levi scoffs, seemingly caught in a memory. Eren sees something flash across his face, too fast to identify, before he blinks and it is back to its usual blankness. “That was a long time ago, though. Long enough for me to appreciate proper tea.”

 

Levi then takes a long sip of his drink, which must have cooled slightly in the meantime, and Eren knows he has said all that he wants to. Eren is glad that he had been willing to talk at all, even though he seems to have stumbled upon something slightly personal completely by accident. The sound of Levi's voice is nicer than the ambient quiet of the large room. But he doesn’t want to push any further, happy for now that there’s no tension between them.

 

The thought of a younger Levi is a strange one, and one that he struggles to imagine clearly, but he finds something relatable about it. A Levi who didn’t have everything. That is something he could understand. Eren glances curiously to his right, trying to picture a history that would fit the man he sees sitting beside him. He doesn’t get anywhere before Levi moves to stand, tea apparently finished.

 

“I’m going to do laundry,” he announces, finally looking at Eren, who cocks his head to the side.

 

He’s confused as to why Levi feels the need to tell him where he’s going. _Does he think I’ll be lonely sitting here without him?_ Eren shakes his head subtly at the thought, knowing that it can’t possibly be true. He reaches over and grabs a book from the stack closest to him on the armchair, wanting to look like he also has things to do.

 

“Okay,” he says nonchalantly, opening the hard cover and flicking a few pages in, staring at it while Levi walks away to the kitchen.

 

It’s only when he hears the tap turn on that Eren realises he’s holding the book upside-down and that’s why the text looks like another language. He fumbles to correct himself, wondering if Levi saw. Even the right way up, the subject of the tiny paragraphs escapes him, full of long words and strings of capital letters. He skips forward another dozen pages and sees a diagram that makes no sense, picking out words like ‘chemical’ and ‘water’ but not much else. It’s not an effective distraction when it is just giving him a headache, so Eren puts it back where he found it, slightly embarrassed. He turns to check to see whether Levi had noticed, and looks just as the man is walking back towards him. Eren sits up straighter, thinking he might need something, but Levi passes him without a word, headed for Eren's room.

 

 _Why is he going in_ my _room?_

 

Eren jumps from the couch, dashing past Levi to block his doorway with only that thought in mind. He braces both hands on the sides of the doorframe and looks down at Levi, who appears unimpressed at the interruption.

 

“Excuse me.” Levi has slipped into his irritated monotone, a change that isn’t lost on Eren, but he doesn’t back down.

 

“Uh, what are you doing?” Levi raises an eyebrow and crosses his arms in a controlled motion.

 

“What am _I_ doing? I already told you, I’m going to do laundry.” Eren knows that Levi has a point, he himself doesn’t quite know what’s going on. But, for some reason, it doesn’t feel right to let Levi past. His body is almost shaking with the strange anxiety. He can’t do it.

 

“You don’t need to come in here. G-go do laundry somewhere else.” Eren stutters when Levi glares at him, but stands firm.

 

“You’ve got to be kidding me. Out of the way, I don’t have time for this.” Despite his tone, Levi makes no move to force his way through. But Eren's eyes are still challenging.

 

“You can’t go in my room!” Eren doesn’t mean to shout. It manages to surprise Levi for a second but he recovers quickly.

 

“Eren.” He stiffens at the authority held in his name, tightening his grip reflexively. “You have ten seconds to move. Ten. Nine…”

 

Levi counts slowly, and Eren's eyebrows pull together worriedly. Luckily, he only makes it to four before the study door swings open.

 

“What is going on out here?” Hanji asks, taking in the scene. Eren darts his eyes over to them and then back to Levi.

 

“I don’t even know. I need to do the kid’s laundry since it’s sure to be piling up, but he won’t let me in.”

 

“Hmm. Eren, what’s the problem?” Hanji comes to stand beside Levi, and Eren can’t decide who to look at. He fixes his gaze off to the side, frowning at the blank wall. “Use your words, Eren, please.”

 

“This is _my_ room. That’s what you said, Hanji,” he mumbles, conflicted but resolute. “Mine.” There’s an awkward pause. Hanji looks between him and Levi, searching for something.

 

“Okay,” they say thoughtfully. “Levi, you can’t go barging in to other people’s rooms.”

 

“ _What_?” Levi says, turning to glare at them.

 

“That’s right, Levi. This is Eren's room now, so we should respect his boundaries. And Eren, we need to talk to each other properly, okay? Levi isn’t the best at it, but he’s a good listener.” Levi clicks his tongue at that, and Hanji nudges his shoulder. He elbows them back in the side a little harder.

 

Eren looks at the ground, feeling admonished. He hadn’t meant to get so overly protective, but didn’t know how to stop since it has never happened before. “Yes, Hanji.”

 

“Good. So, may Levi and I come in?” they ask, bending down to catch Eren's eye and smile at him. He debates it for a short moment, relaxing and dropping his arms. “Levi is a clean freak so he’ll be done really quickly you know.” Eren chews his lip before lifting his head.

 

“You just want my dirty clothes?” he asks Levi, who is standing surprisingly patiently. Levi gives him a look that says _‘what do you think,’_ and Eren's ears turn back slightly. “O-okay, I can get them for you, so you wait here.” Eren turns to go to his bathroom, stopping before going in to say, “Wait there, please,” one more time. He has to admit that his hamper really is getting too full behind the door, and knows that he’d soon be running out of clean underwear otherwise. Walking back out, he is relieved to see that neither Hanji nor Levi have moved while he wasn’t looking. Levi holds his hand out when he gets to the doorway, asking for the bag. “Actually, uh, can I hold it?” The load of clothes requires two hands for Eren to lift and carry it, but he feels better hugging it to his chest despite the weight. Levi looks at him sceptically, and Hanji watches the exchange with interest.

 

“Whatever,” Levi says, shrugging and gesturing for Eren to follow him. He leads them over to a closed door to the right of the main bathroom, one that Eren only knows to contain the vacuum and some of Levi's other cleaning supplies. The inside is larger than he expected, not a closet but a proper sized room.

 

“Is that a washing machine?” Eren asks curiously, looking at the sleek, black cube by the wall. Levi goes over and opens the circular door at the front, glancing back at Eren when he hears the question.

 

“Yes. Now are you going to do this part yourself too or what?” Eren furrows his eyebrows, torn. The washing machine has so many buttons and dials that he doesn’t know where to begin, so he has no choice but to relinquish his clothes reluctantly. Levi takes the hamper without a word and begins sorting through the heap of fabric with practiced efficiency. Eren watches closely as Levi loads it up, fills a little drawer with scented liquid and turns the machine on.

 

“What is that?”

 

“Laundry detergent to get your clothes clean, and fabric softener,” Levi answers, still focused on recapping the bottles and putting them away.

 

“Oh, it does it all for you?” Eren leans in further, trying to learn what Levi is doing.

 

“Yeah, it makes everything a hell of a lot easier.” Levi looks over his shoulder at Eren, not expecting to find him so close. Eren doesn’t notice, observing everything intently, pointed ears twitching at every small beep the washing machine makes.

 

“We didn’t have one at my house, but I… I knew someone who did. A really old one though,” Eren says, tone becoming melancholy. Armin's grandfather had saved up and bought one cheap to make his and Armin's lives more convenient, installing it himself. It was rare to have one in the village, most people washing by hand, so Eren had quickly become fascinated despite disliking the chore of laundry itself.

 

Levi doesn’t know what to say as Eren gets a far-off look on his face, his green eyes slightly unfocused. Eren doesn’t talk again for a few minutes, but is snapped out of his daze by Levi clearing his throat.

 

“I’m having to split this into two loads, so you can help me with the second half later. If you want, that is. I don’t care either way.” Eren blinks slowly, still feeling distant.

 

“Yeah. Okay,” he says quietly. “I’m just gonna…”

 

He trails off without realising, distracted by the spinning of the inside of the washing machine. His mind blanks out momentarily, and then there’s a gentle hand under his jaw, turning his head to the side. Grey eyes stare at him, underlying concern only visible from this close.

 

“Eren, can you hear me?” Levi asks evenly, and Eren feels him more than he hears him. Watches his lips move and concentrates on the heat of the fingers resting against his skin.

 

“Yeah… yeah. I think I’m gonna stay here for a while,” he says. Levi seems unsure, but withdraws his hand and steps away.

 

“It will beep when it’s finished.” Eren nods and mentally translates that into _‘don’t freak out and make another mess.’_

 

Eren barely notices him leaving, silent as always. He settles on the floor with his legs pulled up to his chest, and lets the continuous swirl of the machine hypnotise him, pulling him deep into his thoughts. His chin feels warmer than the rest of his body, tingling almost. He buries his face in his knees and traces where Levi had touched him with his own fingertips.

 

He wishes it could be enough to melt away the images of people and places he’ll never see again, but it’s a poor distraction. Face after face flashes by, and Eren numbs himself as best he can, refusing to cry. He curls in on himself tighter, trapped in the life behind his eyelids. _At least they are happy in my memories._ He breathes deeply and rides out the sudden depression the only way he knows how.

 

He is vaguely aware of Hanji coming to check on him some time later, but he simply hums in response to whatever they say since he doesn’t actually hear the question. They go away and return with a glass of water, and he has the presence of mind to thank them and take a short drink. The cycle of the washing machine lets him know how much time has passed, but it seems much shorter once it reaches the end. Eren isn’t startled by the jingle that plays once the spinning slows to a stop, feeling too relaxed to be scared.

 

Levi walks in not a minute later to find Eren already starting to unload in a trance, a shirt dropped and forgotten on the floor. He wordlessly takes over, bundling it all into the drier right next to them and showing Eren how long to set it for and which button to press, which is relatively easy to remember since it’s the biggest and a different colour. The washing machine is a little trickier, and Eren almost pours the softener in the wrong slot before Levi catches him and calmly corrects him. The simple tasks clear the last of the haziness from his head, and by the time both machines are running, Eren has come back to his senses. Levi hands him the empty hamper and tells him to put it back where it belongs.

 

Lunch is peaceful, much different to their loud breakfast. Eren finishes first and washes up his own plate before going to take a bath. The warm water makes him a little sleepy, so he tries to keep himself moving to stay awake. By the time he’s dry and dressed again, though, all he wants to do is lie down. He dozes on top of the covers for an hour until he hears a knock on his open door. His eyelids flutter open to see Levi standing in the doorway.

 

“Your second load is done already. We should wash your sheets too, so I need you to strip the bed and bring them to me,” he says, not stepping a foot over the threshold. Eren yawns and stretches before doing as he’s told, using a process of trial and error when figuring out which end of the pillowcase to pull to finally get it off. The sheets are warm from his own body heat when he gathers them all into his arms. Levi takes one look at how Eren is cradling them to his chest and rolls his eyes. Eren thinks he might have seen a hint of amusement in his features, but it’s gone when he bends down to pick up a trailing section and says, “Don’t drag them all over the floor.”

 

Levi stands back and lets Eren do everything himself this time, only acting as supervision. There is a lot of hesitation, and Eren has to take Levi's silence as a sign that he isn’t doing anything wrong since the man doesn’t give him any help. Eren tries harder to not to rely on him, but can only really relax once he has pressed the start button without any complaints from Levi. The whirring of the machine is the only sound in the room, somehow soothing his nerves, and Eren imagines that he can feel his own body vibrating with satisfaction.

 

“Good job, Eren.”

 

Eren whips his head around to Levi, ears catching the words over the low hum in the background but not quite processing them. When he sees the softness in Levi's expression, and the subtle nod of his head, Eren's chest swells further with pride. His tail wags without his permission, thumping rhythmically against the drier behind him. Levi flicks his eyes towards it, and Eren blushes high in his cheeks, a mixture of both pleased and embarrassed.

 

“Thank you. It’s all because you helped me, though,” he mumbles, rubbing at his face with the back of one hand as if it will make the redness there disappear. Levi huffs a short breath through his nose, pulling his gaze away from Eren's tail.

 

“I can’t teach someone who isn’t willing to learn. It’s good to be able to take care of yourself. Shitty four-eyes can’t concentrate for even half as long as you did, so I’m impressed. For a first timer and all,” Levi says offhandedly. “Now, let’s organise your dry clothes.”

 

Eren nods with more enthusiasm than he has felt all day, floating on the praise. Even a strict demonstration on proper folding technique doesn’t trouble him. All of his clothes have a fresh, neutral scent now, different from him but not unpleasant.

 

In fact, it just makes the gentle smell of vanilla wonderfully pure.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things might seem slow paced, but I have a fixed timeline in this fic and don't want to skip much of this important growing relationship bit. I'm sticking to a calendar for the full moons and certain events have to take place before the next shift, and the shift after that etc so please bear with me~


	15. The Study

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear, two weeks again, I suck. Have you forgotten me? Well, I was hoping that I could get this out yesterday, since I was on a roll and being really positive about it, but then a fever hit me like a hammer to the head and my typing speed went right down. I called in sick today and that's how I've managed to get it finished, so I'm sorry if the quality isn't up to par. I simply couldn't make you wait another week, especially as I'll be visiting friends in the next few days and won't be at my laptop.
> 
> This fic has reached 500+ kudos, 100+ bookmarks and 6000+ hits!! Oh my goodness! The comments I received for last chapter really warmed my heart, I don't deserve you guys. Slow writing and poor time management is a terrible combination to have, and yet you stick with me. It means a lot :)  
> Also, this won't affect new readers, but I went back and had Hanji explicitly state their pronouns since it was bugging me that I missed it and left it so long so that's just an fyi for you guys. Poor planning on my part. Anyway, here you go :3

 

Eren can’t say for certain, time being immeasurable in that gloomy basement, but he is positive that he has never recovered from one of his lows as quickly as he did the previous day. Back then, his mind must have been stuck in the depressing swirl of thoughts for two or three days, but now he’s realising that only a few hours had passed the day before. A few hours and then he had been back to feeling like he could function properly. He couldn’t stop it from happening, didn’t even try, but then it had come and gone without him slipping too far into the darkness.

 

He hadn’t thought that it could be possible. He didn’t force himself to be happy or get over it immediately, knowing from past experience that it wouldn’t work, and yet somehow he got better. He could stand taller and breathe normally. The peaceful feeling must have lasted through the night, too, since he had only woken up once very briefly.

 

 _Things have changed._ It’s an obvious conclusion, from the location to the choice of company, but Eren can finally say that things have changed in a positive way. The cage, the abuse, and the terrible food have been taken away, and he is now able to take a step back and evaluate the effects that has had on him.

 

Today, he feels good. Not perfect, but good. A lot more like himself, how he used to be. The anxiety is less debilitating and easier to control, and he can walk around the main room more casually. Nothing jumps out at him, no matter where he steps or what he touches. He accepts that it isn’t dangerous, that he can safely share living space with Levi and Hanji. Those two never shout at him and they don’t treat him like some stupid animal.

 

He thinks, with a little hesitation, that they have earned his respect. That is also something that he had thought impossible, but he knows that none of this could’ve happened without them.

 

But while he feels calmer and less anxious all the time, there are other parts of himself that are changing, and he can’t tell whether they are good or bad yet. Most noticeable, and also most irritating since he can’t make it go away, is the way he can feel himself wanting to gravitate towards the humans. He can hardly accept the fact that it might be due to loneliness, but the way he fidgets uncontrollably and the uncomfortable tightness in his chest is hard to ignore.

 

_They’ll think I’m weird if I follow them around like some needy puppy, but…_

 

It is increasing restlessness that steers him away from the obvious familiarity of his room and instead in the direction of Hanji's study, where they have been all morning. Levi is stationed in the bathroom, where he is cleaning silently, armed with a foul-smelling chemical that Eren makes an effort to avoid. When Eren had found himself drifting towards the open door, searching for more of the man’s company without really being aware of it, the sharp odour of the uncapped bottle hit him without warning. Even from a few metres away, and despite the fact that he could tell it was diluted, the inside of his nose had burned slightly, making him retreat before Levi could even notice he had been there.

 

So Hanji is his preferred option this time. Eren stands outside the room, staring at the off-white door and chewing his lip. Sounds of pen on paper, then rhythmic tapping, then more faint scratches can be heard through the crack between the door and the frame. He debates whether it would be a better idea to just turn around and simply sit and endure the strange way his lungs don’t feel like they’re getting enough air and his palms itch. But even as he thinks how he’s tolerated it before, his heart clenches in the seconds of hesitation. His hand is reaching out in the next moment, shaking almost imperceptibly. He pushes the door open with his fingertips, and although the hinges don’t creak, the rustling of papers on the floor makes his entrance less than silent. He hopes that going in will make the unpleasant sensations fade away, that he isn’t reading his own body wrong.

 

He only feels brave enough to open the door halfway, the gap large enough for his head and shoulders to lean through. The room is brightly lit but feels smaller than it actually is, towers of books and important-looking documents strewn about on every available surface, including the floor. The heavily stocked shelves against the walls reduce the space in the room on all sides. It smells like a library, a little musty from the sheer amount of paper, and is also saturated with Hanji's scent. It makes Eren feel more at ease. _I think Armin would like it in here._

 

He knocks lightly on the door, trying to catch Hanji’s attention. They are seated on the opposite side of the room, cross-legged on the chair and bent over their desk. When they don’t turn their head, Eren gathers a little more courage and knocks harder, timing it carefully so that it can’t be mistaken for the tapping of their pen. They hum vaguely but don’t look up.

 

“What’s the occasion, Levi? You never knock. And no, I won’t move so you can clean. We had a deal, mister,” Hanji says before moving on to mutter about something else. Eren doesn’t know what to say, generally feeling lost and a little ignored.

 

“Uh, I’m not… nevermind,” he says unsurely, head full of conflicting thoughts. _Maybe this was a bad idea. Should I try Levi again?_ He takes a half-step back, cursing himself for being foolish and not just dealing with his problem on his own like always, but then Hanji spins round on their chair so fast that their ponytail swings wildly behind them.

 

“Eren!? This is an unexpected visit. You’ve never come in here before. Need something?” Hanji gives him a wide smile but he shrinks back a little further.

 

“I don’t need anything really. I shouldn’t have- I don’t want to bother you. I’ll just go now.” Eren frowns at the ground, and so he doesn’t see the shock on Hanji’s face, only hearing it in their voice.

 

“Wait, no! Come in, come in! Please. I was just going over a few different things, would you like to see?” Eren perks up, accepting the invitation with a quick nod of the head. He steps into the room fully, entering Hanji's space and looking around to see the parts of the room that had been out of his sight before. He keeps his hands to himself as he plots a path over to Hanji, taking big steps to avoid the chaos of items on the floor. Halfway there, he has to rise to his toes to not crush things, but misjudges a step and wobbles. Afraid of falling, he shoots a hand out to balance himself, thankfully grabbing a clear surface. But in the process, his tail brushes past a stack of paper, accidentally causing an avalanche that spreads around his feet before he can catch them. Immediately, he drops to his knees, an indistinct apology stumbling from his lips.

 

“I didn’t mean to. It wasn’t on purpose! I didn’t mean to touch your stuff. It’s just a little cramped in here so—”

 

Eren pauses, a page in each hand, as Hanji throws their head back and laughs, waving a hand in front of their face.

 

“No worries, Eren. It happens all the time. And if you look at what you’re picking up then it might calm you down.” Eren turns his worried gaze from them to the floor, and breathes a small sigh of relief when he sees what they mean. The papers he knocked over are all blank, meaning nothing important is out of order or at risk of being lost. He blushes lightly, realising that he had overreacted. He places the retrieved sheets of paper back where he found them and made the rest of the way to Hanji without incident; he holds onto his tail with one hand as a precaution.

 

He doesn’t know why Hanji can’t be more organised. Even if they don’t want to spend time doing it, they could surely ask Levi for help, regardless of whatever the 'deal' they mentioned is. The desk is completely covered, Eren notices as he stands beside Hanji, piles of clutter with a computer positioned in the centre. It looks expensive, and far more advanced than any Eren has seen before. He is fascinated by the brightly lit screen although he can’t understand what it is he’s actually looking at. Even the sleek monitor has different notes stuck to it, making a colourful border. Hanji shuffles a few things around and pushes an open book towards Eren, adjusting their glasses with one hand while they point with the other.

 

“So my research is still ongoing into historical evidence for your kind, among other things, and I’d love to have your opinion on this one little thing I found,” Hanji says, brushing over the page and directing Eren's attention to a small section near the bottom. He skims over the text, instead focusing on the picture beside it showing a black beast with large jaws eating what looks like a heart, the body of a person lying dead at its feet. “The bloodthirsty devourer. Don’t suppose that means anything to you?”

 

Eren furrows his brow, wondering why Hanji would need to ask him about such a thing. “No. It sounds like a scary story but I’ve never heard of it.” He tilts his head as if it might make sense from a slightly different angle. “If you were going to hunt, then why only eat the heart?” he murmurs. When Hanji says nothing for a minute, Eren glances up to see them looking at him with a strange expression. He blinks, realising that they had heard him, and then holds up his hands and backtracks. “That sounded weird. It’s not like we ever eat people if that’s what you’re asking. I just meant, um… wouldn’t it be a waste of prey? A heart won’t fill you up. That’s why it’s like a story, people always do stupid things like that in stories.” Hanji gives him another long look, the one that Eren knows means they’re thinking hard about something.

 

“Did you read the part where it says it wanted souls? What do you think about that?” they ask, and Eren turns to look at the picture again. It somehow looks more violent and cruel now.

 

“Hunting for a reason like that is bad.” Eren frowns as he says it. He has killed without a need for food before, but he had done the right thing. He will never regret it. He pushes the thought down and carries on. “And you can’t just want to take someone’s soul. We can’t see them but a soul constantly changes shape and is connected to nature. It has to return to the earth. It doesn’t belong to someone else.” Hanji's eyes widen, picking up on the strength in Eren's voice. They grab a pen quickly, having a choice of at least five spread out on the desk, and start scribbling something down in the black notebook that must live in their pockets.

 

“So you don’t think death is the end? Do you all believe that?” Eren ponders the question for a moment.

 

“No, not everyone. And I understand that. But to me it makes sense. The circle of life makes sense. If we are on this world then we must be a part of it, all the plants and animals,” Eren nods thoughtfully as he talks, and sees that Hanji starts nodding along with him even though they are more focused on writing. “I… I still want to see it.” _All the things that Armin talked about_. Eren clenches his fists. “I wanted to go outside because I want to see it. Because I was born into this world.”

 

Hanji's hand stops moving, and they look up to meet Eren's unwavering gaze. He feels a little hotter, able to count each distinct beat of his heart as it pumps blood all the way through his body, from head to toe. He almost feels ten years old again, excited about dreams of the future, eager to discover the unknown.

 

 _I can’t believe I lost sight of all that. Everything that mattered to us beyond Shiganshina. I don’t just want to survive, I want more than that. I want to_ live. _Only then can I be free. Me and Armin, together… wherever he is._ Eren turns his face away, tears that he doesn’t want to shed already welling in his eyes.

 

“Are you okay, Eren?” Hanji asks quietly. Eren sniffs and nods, and Hanji gives him time to collect himself slowly. “I see,” they say, but their voice is so soft that Eren thinks they must be just talking to themselves. They tap the end of the pen against the edge of the desk and lean back into their chair. A gentle sigh, and then they change subject, tone a little more upbeat. “So there’s a mix of views, huh? Hmm. Yeah, I think I’m going to stop with the ancient mythology type stuff. Anthropomorphic wolves and gods isn't exactly what I'm looking for so it’s not very useful, although it’s _incredibly_ interesting. For example, did you know…”

 

Hanji launches into a long speech, but Eren's attention has already drifted. He is grateful that they don’t pry and tries to distract himself, which is easy to do when he’s in this room. There’s so many new things to look at in Hanji's study that he forgets to even pretend to listen. Although things mostly look the same, dozens of dark covers and hundreds of white pages, a few things catch his eye. Even as he wanders away, Hanji keeps talking in the background. It is mostly pictures that he is drawn to. A diagram of a human body is open next to one of a wolf on one table, bones and organs neatly labelled beyond what Eren knows; Hanji has highlighted a few things but Eren has no reason to look closer. The big table further away is half in disorder and half not, with the cleaner side being taken up by a large map. Each corner is weighed down by miscellaneous objects, and as Eren gets closer, he can see that a few places have been marked.

 

“Hey, Hanji? What’s this?” Eren asks over his shoulder. Hanji stops rambling, and then he hears them get up from their chair and come towards him.

 

“Oh, this is our map of the surrounding area. I haven’t got around to moving it yet, just in case we need it again. This is where we are,” Hanji says, pointing to a blue dot on a large patch of empty green. All the lines that indicate roads are far away from it, showing how they really are in the middle of nowhere.

 

“What about this red one?” The second dot is in a populated area judging by the number of roadways spread around it like a spider web. “Is it another base?”

 

“Ah, well, no. That’s actually… your previous location.” Eren tenses briefly and then forces himself to relax, but Hanji doesn’t miss the quick twitch of his ear. He notices that there’s a long distance between the red marker and the blue one, and some road lines in the middle of the two have had black ink crossing them out. He ignores the horrible twisting of his gut and focuses on something else, anything else.

 

“I haven’t read many maps before but I can’t see any ocean on this one,” he says steadily, mind still on the past.

 

“That’s because we’re quite far inland. You’d have to travel a long way in either direction to reach the sea, but we do have a lake over here, which is connected to this river that runs close by.” Hanji lean over and points out the curved line of blue that Eren had missed. He nods, saddened to hear that the journey to the place where the water stretches beyond the horizon would take him weeks, or perhaps even months in his current condition.

 

“Hanji? Do you… have any books about the ocean?” Eren asks, fingers tracing over the river to the place where it ends at the edge of the map.

 

“I most certainly do!” they reply, already walking away to begin searching, to Eren's surprise. He never thought he could receive something that he asked for without complaint, still half-expecting to be told he doesn’t deserve anything or that he has no right to make requests, no matter how small. Hanji seems to be able to move through the limited space purely because of how familiar they are with everything’s placement, and Eren is both stunned and impressed. “What kind of thing are you looking for?”

 

“Oh, uh,” Eren stammers, not expecting to have to specify which book when he thought he wouldn’t get this far. _Of course Hanji has more than one._ “One with pictures?” It comes out questioning, and Eren lowers his head, afraid that Hanji might mock him for how childish he sounds.

 

“Pictures? Okay, so something more like a geography book would be best. Hmm, not this one. Now where did I put it?” Eren stands bewildered as Hanji rummages through pile after pile. They practically turn one side of the room upside down just to find one book, discarding all the others. “This isn’t really the one I was looking for. I _know_ I’ve seen it recently, I just have to think a little harder. Seriously, where did I- oh! I remember now!” Hanji spins on their heels and makes their way out the door, beckoning Eren to follow with one hand. He does so carefully, trying to copy Hanji's steps.

 

“So that’s where you were.” Eren looks up once the path is clear to see Levi sitting on the sofa. He must have finished cleaning a while ago since the handkerchief that he had been using to cover his nose and mouth is missing and he has a lightly steaming mug in his hand, not using the handle like usual. Eren blinks in confusion, realising that Levi had been looking and aiming the statement at him and not Hanji, although it’s them who speaks anyway.

 

“Yep, he’s been with me the whole time, Levi. Were you lonely?” they tease, making Levi narrow his eyes at them.

 

“I don’t care, as long as you weren’t doing anything stupid,” he says dismissively, and Hanji makes a gesture that says ‘of course not.’ They turn away from him to run their hand along the spines of the stack of books on the armchair, stopping to pull one out from the middle.

 

“Here it is!” they say triumphantly, holding it up and smiling.

 

“You wouldn’t lose things so often if you put them back where they belong.” Eren glances over at the man, able to better understand why he values neatness so much after being in Hanji's study. It really had been worse than he thought, especially in comparison to everywhere else. Still, Hanji waves him off easily.

 

“Not lost at all. Here you go, Eren.” Eren stares at the offered books in disbelief for a moment before he takes the two hardbacks, slowly reaching out, holding onto them with both hands and treating them like glass. When Hanji lets go, his hands dip under the extra weight. He pulls them close to his chest.

 

“Thank you for letting me borrow them, Hanji. I’ll take good care of them, I promise,” he says, looking into their eyes earnestly as he talks.

 

“No problem. Sharing is caring, after all. I’ll see if I have any more that suit you later on, okay?” Eren nods quickly, wanting to show how much he appreciates their generosity. He goes to sit down on the couch but notices that his place by the armrest is now also home to Hanji's mess. It doesn’t faze him, keen as he is to get reading, but it does mean that sitting closer to Levi is his only choice besides retreating to his room. He doesn’t want Hanji to think that he’s greedily taking the books for himself, immensely grateful that they trust him with their belongings, so he walks forwards and sits gently so as not to jostle the man next to him.

 

“Take your shit with you when you leave, four-eyes. This is getting annoying,” Levi says, and Eren doesn’t listen to Hanji's response, reverently stroking over the cover of the first book. It is deep blue in colour, glossy and smooth under his hands. He places the second one to the side as he makes himself comfortable, the smell of inked paper and tea wafting up to his nose as he flicks through the boring pages at the beginning. He pores over the images as he gets further in, graced with pictures from the shore to the seabed, and everything in between. Armin's voice speaks in his head, full of enthusiasm, and Eren hasn't felt this close to him in years.

 

_“The ocean! It’s all saltwater, can you believe it? So much salt that even the whole world couldn’t use it all. In some places it’s really deep, and if you go out on a boat then you could be surrounded by water in all directions, unable to see land. It’s incredible! We have to see it!”_

 

Meanwhile, Levi sits silently beside him. Eren is quiet apart from little gasps and sounds of awe that he seems to be making without realising, and Levi finds it quite amusing, since Eren is such an open book himself. It is easy to see that he is a tactile person, always running his fingertips over the pages that interest him as if it makes it more real. He watches in approval as Hanji comes back to take their stuff away, unsure how he even let them get away with the sheer amount of crap that has overflowed from their room. Although, if he thinks back, a lot of his time the day before had been spent with the kid, long enough for him to temporarily forget about Hanji's irritating habits. He glances at Eren out of the corner of his eye while he drinks his tea, and is unable to look away once he sees the expression of wonder on the boy’s face. His eyes, darting around the page like they are desperate to not miss any details, are wide and such a bright shade of green that Levi stares for a little longer. It’s unusual to see the boy like this, but now that he’s seen it again, Levi knows that he prefers it this way; it’s much better than the fear or mute apathy that he has seen before, and Levi is glad that that won’t be Eren's permanent expression anymore. He has the fleeting thought of wanting to make Eren happy more often.

 

Eren is paying no attention to his surroundings, immersed in the world in his hands. He hasn’t read a single word, but is endlessly entertained by the pictures. Text-heavy pages are skipped without thought, but Eren could spend minutes absorbing just one photograph. The quality is much different to the book Armin got from his grandfather’s house, where all the pictures where drawn and painted by hand, but no less beautiful.

 

When he reaches the middle of the book, his jaw actually drops. The double-page spread is breath-taking, glittering turquoise water under a clear blue sky, so real that Eren thinks it might start moving off the paper and onto his lap. It’s like a fantasy come to life, and without thinking, he reaches out his right hand and holds onto the nearest thing to ground himself.

 

The nearest thing just so happens to be Levi's arm. Eren doesn’t even notice until the man himself speaks.

 

“Eren?”

 

Eren's ears turn first, slowly followed by his whole head. Wide-eyed and speechless for an entirely different reason, he looks at where his fingers are curled around Levi's forearm and then upwards to the man’s face. He takes in the thin, raised eyebrow and questioning grey eyes for a second, before squeaking and jerking back like he's been burned. The book slips from where it had been resting and Eren scrambles to catch it, fortunately without creasing the pages.

 

“I-I didn’t mean to- to touch you. I d-didn’t know that i-it was your arm. I should’ve looked and not—”

 

“It’s fine, calm down. I thought you needed something.” Levi's voice is low and gentle, and Eren is reminded of how Hanji had said a similar thing earlier. The two of them are always curious as to whether he needs something, kind and attentive; he wonders if he really is being seen as clingy. Eren sets the book down and cradles his right hand to his chest. Levi watches him closely. “Want to show me?”

 

Eren whips his head up at the invitation, but immediately looks away again; making eye-contact with Levi makes the embarrassing heat in his cheeks burn hotter. He shifts his weight awkwardly, eyes flitting up and then back down at the book, at the thing that had him so enraptured. It’s just as beautiful the second time, he finds. He forces himself to stop wringing his hands and clutches the sides of the book instead. Taking a deep breath, he shuffles closer to Levi and tilts the page in his direction.

 

“Th-this is, um, really nice. And pretty,” Eren says shyly, knowing that his words aren’t even close to capturing his emotions, but trying to express himself anyway. “I like it.” He peeks up through his hair to see that Levi is regarding the landscape properly, looking contemplative despite his face not giving much away. Even if it is only polite interest, Eren is delighted to have that much. He wonders if Levi could be inspired by something like this, just like how Armin had inspired him all those years ago. “Have you ever been to the ocean?” he asks.

 

“No. It’s a long way to travel alone.” Eren opens his mouth, but nothing comes out, Levi's words resonating deep within him. He thought he could connect through this, but Levi sounds tired more than anything, like he has the years weighed down on his shoulders. Eren swallows and tries again.

 

“I’m going to see it someday. With my own eyes. I’ll see it, and smell it, and swim in it. No matter how far I have to go. I think everyone should see it at least once. Because it has to be as good as this.” Eren traces the curve of a wave. “If you have no one to go with then… you could come with me.” _And Armin and Mikasa,_ he finishes in his head. His candle of hope is still burning.

 

Levi is quiet for a moment, and then he hums. The sound is neither a refusal nor an acceptance, simply an acknowledgement. And Eren reads the mood and says nothing more. He fixes his gaze at a spot on the page and wonders why he had made that offer. The end of the sentence had just rolled off his tongue, and although he won’t take it back, it does surprise him how easy it was to say. It had just felt right. His mind is stuck on that thought for a while. Hanji calling them for lunch is a welcome interruption.

 

“Eren, sorry but no books at the table,” Hanji says. Eren’s ears droop slightly and goes to stand up again. The book is closed, but he doesn’t want to argue.

 

“Let the kid do what he wants.” Levi picks up his cutlery nonchalantly, and Hanji frowns at him from their seat. Eren pauses, looking between the two.

 

“But that’s _your_ rule in the first place, Levi.” The man gives them his usual blank stare.

 

“It’s my rule for _you_ specifically, because you piss me off when you read at the table and make me clean up your mess.” Levi ignores Hanji's indignation. “Sit and eat, Eren.”

 

Eren is still confused as to what he is and isn’t allowed to do, but Hanji's protests quiet down and they tell him to eat too, so he pulls in his chair again. He holds his fork in one hand while the other touches the front cover of the book beside his bowl, absentmindedly drawing circles with a fingertip. He catches Levi's eye from across the table, and then they all begin eating.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos to everyone out there doing NaNoWriMo because I can't even pretend that I'd be able to do it. I'm sorry I take so long between updates. I made a full plan for this chapter to help myself write and then spent too long on some of my bullet points so I already had too many words before I could get to the rest, but oh well, they can be saved for the future :)
> 
> As a reminder to both myself and you guys, drink water if you're dehydrated and take a nap if you need to. I wish I had good habits, I need more sleep every day~


	16. The Horizon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Apologises 100 times in a row* I'm so sorry for the unexpected delay!! Please forgive me. I feel like recently I've been losing hours of time, which I could've used for writing. I'm so glad this didn't take me yet another week to write. Thank you for always being patient with me, and for the kind comments~

 

Eren thumbs through the pages of the first book another two times before moving onto the second that evening, and takes a trip around the world from his seat on the couch. In addition to more rolling waves lapping at sandy beaches, Eren drinks in the amazing sights of thick, leafy jungles, land scorched dry by the sun, and mountains that are either topped with snow or burst open at the peak by red-hot lava – when he sounds out the word ‘volcano’ quietly to himself, Levi speaks up from beside him and gently corrects his pronunciation. Embarrassed, Eren clears his throat and tries again, properly emphasising the second syllable.

 

The second book is smaller than the first, but Eren spends just as much time memorising each new image, wondering how so much can exist on this one planet, on land and in the sea. It expands on what little he already knows, and he realises once again that the world has no true end. It is a sphere of infinite wonders, infinite because every person will see the same thing differently, no matter how many people have discovered it before them. Eren knows that he and the person who wrote the book in his hands both have unique perspectives on what they are seeing, with unique emotions to complement that fact, and finds the thought exciting all by itself.

 

He does think that the sense of longing must be rather common, however. ‘Wanderlust’ is the word Hanji helpfully identifies and defines over dinner after hearing Eren's description, and he nods quickly, having heard it before but long since forgotten. He recalls Armin's grandfather, kind and encouraging, saying the very same thing. Eren is shocked that he had let such an important message slip his mind, and clutches at the recovered memory like a life-line. It had been one of the rare times that the grey-bearded old man had engaged in the boys’ fascination actively, offering wisdom that would normally be held back due to the rules of the village and Eren and Armin's young age. The two had listened intently, since they knew Grandfather would not talk for long; after Armin's parents had left on a journey and never returned, all things related to the outside world had become even more of a taboo subject. Back then, Eren hadn’t understood why, but now…

 

He doesn’t want to think about it. His back feels stiff, so he tucks his legs to the side and leans back into the leather cushions.

 

Winter will always be his favourite season, but one look at a photo bleached white by a raging blizzard is enough to have him shivering slightly. Although nothing could stop him from wanting to go to that place and experience it for himself, even he would wish for two layers of fur to insulate him from the elements, he thinks. Humidity is a concept he can’t quite imagine as fully, having only lived in a temperate climate. The book describes the tropics well, but he knows that he’s not getting as much from the words as someone like Armin would. He needs to go there himself, have the sensation of dampness surrounding him in the air actually on his skin, combined with the high temperatures.

 

Impossibly deep canyons and boiling geysers and coral reefs; Eren looks at all of them in amazement. But when it comes time for bed, he goes back to the double page spread of the ocean. He props the book up on his bed so that it can lean against the wall, and stares at it until his eyes hurt. It is the last thing he sees before he goes to sleep, and the first thing he sees when he wakes up. The nightmare tearing at his mind is chased away by cool blue water, and he starts the day by lightly stroking his fingertips across the paper.

 

Fed, washed, and dressed, Eren settles on the couch in what he is slowly coming to think of as _his_ spot. Having gone through both books multiple times the day before while only looking at the pictures, he decides to actually start reading about the places that they show in such beautiful detail. It makes the hours seemingly go by much faster, since he has to spend time simplifying things in his head in order to understand what the sentences mean. Eren perseveres because he really does find it interesting despite having difficulty with some of it.

 

Having someone else there makes it easier, too. Four years ago, Eren would never have to read alone, and would never really want to. Levi makes good company, for peace and quiet. A warm, calm presence by Eren's side. With the morning cleaning done, the man is free to relax as he usually does, silently and with a cup of tea. Eren thinks that it smells a little stronger than yesterday’s.

 

Either that or the distance between them has shrunk slightly.

 

A while later, Eren has come to a halt, frowning at the page in confusion. His first instinct is to think of asking Armin for help, but he frowns harder since the blond isn’t there this time. He can’t go to Hanji, thinking of how distracted they had been over breakfast, talking to themselves and barely eating. _But I guess I could ask Levi._ Eren casts a surreptitious glance to the side. Levi looks so content that he feels bad for even thinking of disturbing the man. But after another five minutes of pointless staring at sentences that don’t make sense, Eren fights down his nerves and forces himself to get the question out. Coincidently, it’s about volcanoes, the topic that Levi had corrected him on before.

 

“Levi? Um, I just… wanted to know i-if you know what the difference is between, uh, magma and lava,” Eren says quickly, and probably a little too loud for how close they are to each other, not even waiting for Levi to acknowledge his name being called. Levi turns to face him calmly, looking neither surprised nor annoyed at the sudden start in conversation. Eren's ears still turn back halfway though, and he tucks his chin to his chest.

 

“I guess. Why?” Levi's expression is vaguely questioning, and he gives Eren his full attention. It makes Eren feel shyer than before.

 

“Um, well, I was wondering if you could tell me.” The way Eren's voice almost squeaks at the end makes it sound like a question, and he coughs quietly in an attempt to cover it up.

 

“You want to ask me and not Hanji?” This time, Levi's eyebrows do raise by a fraction.

 

“Well, you’re sitting next to me so I thought… I thought I would ask you first. Hanji makes it complicated.” Eren drops his head, hair falling forward to shield his eyes, and twirls the fur on the tip of his tail between his thumb and index finger. “I’m… not that smart, so when they talk I get left behind.” He mumbles the last part like a shameful confession, and wonders if Levi will just tell him to give up. Eren loathes the way that some people think that others shouldn’t even try to improve if they aren’t already smart in the first place, being someone who progresses with most things through sheer determination himself.

 

Levi is quiet for a moment. Eren plucks out a long hair out of anxiety.

 

“Mm, four-eyes does that. So, what did you want to know?” Eren pauses in his fiddling and blinks in surprise, his brain slow to catch up with the fact that Levi is allowing him to continue.

 

“Oh, uh, this part,” Eren says, moving the book closer to Levi and pointing to the paragraph that is giving him trouble. “Because here they say magma, and then later on they say lava, but I thought they were talking about the same thing so…” Eren trails off and Levi fills the gap with a low hum.

 

“That’s because they are. Simply put, we call it magma when it’s underground and then switch to calling it lava when it’s above ground, but it’s all melted rock either way. People like to be specific.”

 

“Oh.” Eren turns that over in his head, and then realises he had been right all along and didn’t need to ask. The answer had been simpler than he had thought. “Okay… thanks.”

 

“You know, Hanji would be able to tell you the exact temperature it can reach. Why ask me?” Eren has already turned his attention back to the book, but tilts his head at Levi's question.

 

“Because that’s not what I’m interested in. All I need to know is that it’s hot. Really hot. The rest is just… numbers. You told me what I wanted.” Eren gives Levi a smile, which becomes more uncertain as the man just stares at him for a moment. Those grey eyes make him freeze, unsure of what Levi is searching for.

_What does he see when he looks at me?_

 

Eren is caught in that unwavering gaze until Levi finally looks away, and he rushes to find his place again, a strange feeling in his chest making the task harder than it should be. Levi moves away a short while later, but Eren still can’t give the book his full attention like before. Even when he concentrates, it only takes one small sound from Levi's direction to have his ears swivelling and betraying what he’s actually focused on. Annoyed with himself, Eren takes the book into Hanji's study in the hopes of reading in there with them instead, but since there is nowhere for him to sit, he waves off their concern and ends up on his bed. The next time he gets stuck, he decides to just take a break.

 

Reading by himself really is less appealing.

 

+++++

 

A few days pass, and Eren manages to make it through a decent amount of each book. He carries them everywhere except the bathroom, and still falls asleep to a view of the ocean. Hanji always gives him an amused smile when he places them carefully next to him at the table for every meal, while Levi doesn’t seem to care. Eren has to ask for help quite frequently, but gets less and less anxious about speaking up each time.

 

However, he quickly learns not to ask Hanji about the meanings of words he doesn’t know unless it’s absolutely necessary. They are happy to be of assistance, but give so much information that sometimes it just confuses him even more. He admits that it is impressive how much they know about things from all over the world, but it always goes over his head. All he wants is a quick answer, and for that, Levi is the one to go to. He always gets right to the point, and Eren doesn’t mind that his explanations are less eloquent. He prefers it, since Levi is straightforward and he can go back to reading without Hanji going off on a tangent. They had almost talked non-stop through the night the previous evening; Eren knows he has dark bags under his eyes, but pushes himself to stay awake so that he doesn’t mess up his schedule. His body is still getting used to regular meals.

 

That evening, though, Hanji's usual smile is replaced by an inquisitive look. Eren is instantly on alert for the questions that must be coming, thinking that they haven’t looked this intense for a while. Dinner is something “quick but nutritious,” as Hanji had put it, and Eren wants to dig in immediately but Hanji is still watching him. For the sake of a hot meal, Eren bites the bullet and speaks first.

 

“What is it, Hanji?” he says politely, outwardly calm but inwardly stressing over what this could be about. He can see the pleased glint in their eyes now that he’s given them an opening for whatever they want. _They weren’t exactly being subtle._

 

“Ah, Eren, it’s wonderful to hear your voice! You haven’t been talking much since you’ve been preoccupied with reading, which is marvellous, don’t get me wrong. I just wanted to know what had you so interested. I mean, you really like those books, judging from how you hardly put them down, so I just want to know what about it you like. I’m curious! I want to know everything!”

 

Eren pauses. He should have expected this, he guesses, but in his mind he had forgotten that Hanji hadn’t been there when he had told Levi of his dreams. He relaxes. It is an easy question to answer, and Hanji isn’t putting him under any pressure. Even so, it takes him a while to figure out what he actually wants to say, how much he wants to give.

 

“It’s because I want to see the world,” he begins slowly, his gaze drifting to the books next to his plate. “The ocean especially. But I guess I should start by saying that it is a shared wish. My friend Armin is the one who…” Eren halts, mouth still open, and struggles not to tear up or choke at the name. He realises that he hasn’t said it aloud for a long time. He blinks rapidly at the table, and then looks up to see Hanji giving him their undivided attention. Levi is also openly listening, having not heard the origins of Eren's fascination. Eren clears his throat and rushes to pick back up where he left off, knowing that the two have probably already figured out the reason for his hesitation. “He is the one who showed me that places like these exist out there.”

 

“I suppose the sea is quite a long way away. So you’ve never travelled outside of Shiganshina?” Hanji leans their elbows on the table, food seemingly forgotten. Levi is cutting everything on his plate into smaller pieces, but eats nothing. Eren frowns and prods a carrot with his fork.

 

“No. Children must stay in the village and never leave, under any circumstances. It is too dangerous,” Eren recites in a monotone voice. Hanji nods slowly, expression thoughtful.

 

“So everyone stayed in one place. They kept you safe and out of sight,” Hanji says, although it’s mostly to themselves. They adjust their glasses higher on the bridge of their nose and then continue. “Say, did the adults have ears and a tail like you?” Eren stiffens slightly, and concentrates on chewing as an excuse to delay answering. _Can I tell them? Would it be bad if they knew? I think it might be okay, they can’t do anything._ He swallows cautiously, and Hanji is still waiting patiently for an answer.

 

“Yes and no… not always. They could choose,” he says, trying to be conscious of Hanji's and Levi's reactions; neither of them give much away. Eren doesn’t still doesn’t know if he is betraying pack secrets. Certainly no one had taught him what to say in this situation.

 

Regardless, his pack is gone.

 

“Really? How interesting.” Eren wants to ask them what they mean by that, but Hanji is already moving on. “Concealing their true identity must’ve come in handy. Did the adults ever go out, Eren?”

 

Eren avoids eye contact, pushing his food around and only taking a bite every now and then. “Yeah. They had to, for certain things.”

 

“Can you explain that a bit more?”

 

“We grew a lot of food ourselves, and you could buy some things from people in the village. Bakers, carpenters, farmers; families all had jobs and things to do. Anything that couldn’t be grown or made had to be found in a shop outside. And a few people went out to work.” Eren thinks specifically of his father at the last part, but remembers that he hadn’t been the only one who left regularly, although that number had still been small.

 

“So you were a self-sustaining community? Amazing! It really would be the best course of action, obviously, but to hear that you actually managed so well is wonderful.” Eren looks up and catches Hanji's smile. It manages to make him feel a little better; the topic of Shiganshina is affecting him, but he tells himself that he can handle it.

 

“Of course. Our pack had been there for ages. Some of the adults said that we were too far south and it put us at risk but the older people didn’t want to move since we’d have to start all over with crop fields and stuff,” he says quietly. Hanji looks like they want to ask something, but then change their mind, shaking their head.

 

“How about other people coming in? What did you do then?”

 

“You mean humans? That hardly ever happened, but we’d be called indoors until they left. Adults could do business kind of normally, but they had to be on alert, and everyone got kind of tense. Mostly it would just be someone who was lost and needed directions. Anyone else who came in would be one of us, they just preferred not to stay in one place.”

 

“Nomads?!” Hanji exclaims, and Eren is shocked by their enthusiasm. “Could there really be werewolves still wandering around out there?” Eren furrows his brow as he ponders the question. He’d like it to be that easy, but he can’t be too sure.

 

“Not many. Only a handful would regularly visit Shiganshina, and that could be as little as once or twice a year. And if they saw it after the attack, then I’m sure they're gone now.” Eren can feel his mood worsening, imagining the shock on anyone’s face if they saw the destruction left behind. His food is getting colder, and he can barely focus on the taste anymore even though he knows it’s good.

 

“Eren.” His ears perk up at the sound of his name coming from Levi, surprised that the man is deciding to join in after staying silent. “What can you tell us about these nomads? It could be important to the case, and give us more leads to follow.” Eren makes a face at the seriousness of Levi's tone and the reminder of his work; it had been pushed to the back of his mind, along with the anger that is now starting to resurface.

 

“Well, I don’t know much. The older villagers didn’t like them, because they were different from everyone else. They’d sell them any supplies they asked for and then send them on their way. They didn’t do anything wrong though. I only actually talked to one group of travellers though, since they were a bit closer to my age than the others. There was one girl and three boys, and I thought that their little pack was really nice.” Eren is filled with yearning at the thought, for his two friends to be back by his side. “I wanted to be like them. They would come see us whenever they were nearby, maybe every other month, sometimes sooner but other times longer.” As he says it, those words make Eren remember something else. “Before all the… bad stuff happened, they hadn’t been around for a while. A lot longer than usual, actually.”

 

Levi's expression is stern, and even Hanji has lost all traces of humour on their face. Eren looks between them uneasily. He thinks that this might be a good time to stop talking about it and just finish dinner normally.

 

“Hey, Eren. You still want to travel? I mean… after what happened?” Hanji asks the question delicately, but it makes Eren grab at his tail and hunch over in his seat.

 

“Hanji,” Levi says warningly, cutting his gaze to them and fixing them with a glare that they don’t see. Eren clenches his jaw and scowls at the table.

 

“Yes. I’m not the problem. What happened to me and my family was…” He doesn’t know how to finish that sentence, temper flaring. “If I can see the ocean then it means I have my freedom. I still have to go.” Eren sits rigid in the pause that follows, trying to control himself.

 

“Eren, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.” Hanji's tentative voice makes Eren look up, curious about the change. He senses that it won’t be anything good.

 

“What happened on New Year’s Eve, Eren?”

 

Eren feels like he’s been soaked in a bucket of ice cold water, his mind going from fight to flight in less than a second. The tension in his body switches from anger to anxiety, his eyes going wide. The images and horror is threatening to come back, he can feel it.

 

“I-I just. Why would you- it was…” Eren's throat has gone dry, and he can feel his body begin to shake, starting in his hands. “I was f- _fine_ and I just… I wanted to see the big fireworks. I really wanted to see them. Even just a little bit because I’ve never… but they- it was so loud a-and it made me remember that… it was so _loud_ , so sudden, and everything hurt and—”

 

“Hey, hey, Eren, it’s okay, you don’t have to talk. I’m sorry, Eren, don’t cry.” Hanji is out of their seat in an instant, and it’s only because they had pointed it out that Eren realises his cheeks are wet; his vision is already out of focus, but not because of the tears.

 

“Why did you have to push it, Hanji?” Levi hisses, but Hanji is fretting too much to really listen.

 

“Eren, I’m sorry. Don’t think about it now. I just thought it would help to talk about it, please don’t cry more.” Eren hates the way his breath has gone short, but he’s overwhelmed by the suffocating tightness in his chest. He’s afraid of the flashes of red he keeps seeing, indistinct yet unmistakable.

 

“Hanji,” Eren chokes out, “I can’t stop thinking about it. I keep seeing it. That night… everything.”

 

Levi curses under his breath. “Take him to the bathroom and sort him out, Hanji. Calm him down.”

 

“Okay, but what are you going to do, Levi?” Hanji asks, reaching out for Eren's free hand and pulling him upright.

 

“Something stupid.” Hanji looks confused by the reply but Levi just stands and turns away. As he’s being taken away from the table, Eren sees that the man hasn’t had a single bite of his food. For once, Eren’s own plate is still half full.

 

He stumbles into the other room, where Hanji gently manoeuvres him to sit on the closed toilet lid. They take some tissue to dab at his face, but Eren can tell they don’t really know what they’re doing. He is hiccupping now, a broken sound that makes Hanji wince. He takes the ball of tissue from them and dries his eyes himself. Then a hand is hesitantly rubbing circles into his back, and Hanji shushes him calmly.

 

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” they repeat, until Eren is only sniffling into the tissue. “Do you want to splash your face with cold water?” Eren nods carefully; his head is starting to throb in time with his heartbeat. He takes a deep, shuddering breath, and then moves to the sink and turns on the tap. The cool water helps slightly, after the initial shock from the temperature. Hanji is there to hand him a towel once he’s done.

 

“Better?” The question comes from the doorway, where Levi stands, eyes assessing the situation before he steps in. Eren wrings the towel in his hands, fidgeting and unsure, but he nods when Levi's eyes meet his. “Come here.” Eren obeys the soft command, leaving the towel by the sink. He stops in front of Levi, his breath still hitching with random hiccups. Levi looks him over with a piercing gaze, concern only visible in the crease in his forehead. “Good. Hug this,” he says gruffly, holding out the thing that he had been carrying in one hand.

 

“Is that _your_ pillow, Levi?” Hanji asks incredulously, but Eren doesn’t need to hear the answer; he already knows that it is. The dark blue fabric smells only of Levi, warm vanilla with a unique blend of something else. He reaches out and clutches it to his chest, hiccupping again. Just the sensation of having something soft in his arms is enough to comfort him, able to squeeze it as hard as he needs to in order to soothe himself. The kind gesture is almost enough to make him start crying again.

 

“Well I couldn’t go into the kid’s room for his, and I highly doubt the cleanliness of yours, so this was my only option.” Levi still sounds pissed, and Hanji gives him an apologetic look. “Now come on.”

 

He turns and walks back out into the main room, Eren following and Hanji bringing up the rear. Levi motions for Eren to take a seat on the sofa, and then narrows his eyes at Hanji until they sit too. Levi takes his usual place, and Eren tries to take up as little space as he can in between them. Pulling his knees up, he hugs the pillow with his whole body and presses the lower half of his face into it. He raises his eyebrows when he sees that the TV is on without sound, glancing at Levi, who has the remote in his hand. Levi notices Eren watching him and rolls his eyes.

 

“This might be the only time I say this, but we are lucky to have shitty four-eyes here. It’s thanks to their insistence on recording anything vaguely entertaining that we can watch this now.”

 

Eren doesn’t understand what he means, content to just sit and try to distract himself like he has always done. Even when Hanji whispers, “ _Great_ idea, Levi. I underestimated you,” it doesn’t make much sense. It’s only when the big clock comes on screen that it clicks. He’s seen this before. The countdown is already halfway through, but it’s enough time for Eren to get excited from the anticipation. Even though it’s on mute, Eren remembers how everyone had shouted out the numbers.

 

This time he makes it past zero safely.

 

The fireworks light up the night sky, huge bursts of colour that overlap and try to outshine each other, burning for as long as they can before fizzling out into darkness. Eren imagines the whoosh and crackle in his head, smile hidden behind the pillow he’s resting on but still obvious in his bright eyes. It’s a magnificent show, angles taken from all over whatever city it’s in, and the audience looks just as captivated as he feels. Every firework seems more vibrant than the one before it, and Eren is watching so closely that he gets an afterimage of each one behind his eyelids each time he blinks. He isn’t counting how long it takes, simply letting himself be lost in the display, wishing it could go on and on.

 

+++++

 

Levi braces himself for a bad reaction when it starts, hoping that he had made the right choice. Giving Eren the pillow might have been enough, no matter how stupid he felt for even thinking of it in the first place. He just couldn’t be sure how the kid would react to physical comfort, or how many various triggers he could have from his past, and so he played it safe. Fuck Hanji for pushing Eren beyond his limits in the first place, all because they had wanted a clear and definite answer instead of simple conjecture. But once the idea had sparked in his mind, he had wanted to try it out. After hearing about how much Eren had wanted to see the New Year’s fireworks, through all the stuttering, Levi had wanted this to work. Hanji had probably forgotten that they had asked him to hit the record button that night. He is often thankful for convenient technology, and this is a great example of one of those times; it might be the first time he’s felt like that for something that isn’t used for cleaning. He can’t give Eren the ocean but…

 

He hasn’t done too badly, if Eren's face is anything to go by. After the first firework goes off without him freaking out, Levi lets himself relax. But still, he watches the kid the whole way through. The actual show is unimportant, so he only sees it out of the corner of his eye; his only opinion is that it’s more tolerable without the accompanying music.

 

The ten minute display goes by quickly to Levi, ending in a chaos of colour that Eren is delighted by. The wagging tail that had been thumping against his thigh the whole way through now slows to a stop, and Levi doesn’t feel the need to point it out to an oblivious Eren. The sniffling has stopped, and Levi can’t hear anymore hiccups either, so he allows himself to feel a small sense of achievement. Very small.

 

He thinks he’s definitely getting steadily addicted to that look of wonder on Eren's face. _What the fuck?_

 

“How do they do that?” Even Eren's voice is reverent – if a little thick after all the crying – and he sounds every bit like the child he is. Somehow he is still managing to maintain the innocence that should have been long gone after what he’s been through.

 

“Well you see, the chemical reaction necessary to—”

 

“It was a rhetorical question, four-eyes,” Levi says without bite. He knows that Hanji is just getting caught up in the mood; they had also been sneaking glances at Eren throughout, although they also wanted to catch up on the event itself.

 

Eren hums and buries his face a little deeper into the borrowed pillow, and Levi finds that sharing it bothers him a lot less than he thought it would. They all sit together quietly for a little while longer, having no reason to move, but Levi is instantly concerned again when Eren's breathing picks up again.

 

“A-about before,” he stutters, and Levi frowns without meaning to. _Shit, this was supposed to make him forget about that._ Levi wants to stop him from saying anything further, but Eren seems to be working up a lot of courage to get his words out, and he doesn’t want to ruin it. He catches Hanji's eye to make sure they give him time and do the same. “They… they killed my mother. I watched her die.”

 

Eren chokes up again in the middle of his sentence but forces himself to continue, and Levi feels like a spear has impaled him straight through the chest. He says every curse he knows in his head, but realises that that isn’t going to help anyone. He can’t leave Eren without a response to something so heavy, and Hanji looks too distraught to step in. _But what the hell do I say?_ Eren's fists are wrinkling the pillowcase, and his face has gone stiff with the effort he’s taking to hold back his tears.

 

“It’s okay to cry about that.”

 

Levi wants to slap himself. _How fucking hypocritical_. Hanji has called him emotionally constipated too many times to count, and yet here he is, preaching something that he definitely does not practice. He thinks he’s probably made things worse. The way Eren crumbles into sobs confirms it. Those beautiful green eyes had already been red-rimmed, and Levi knows that the boy will be dehydrated unless he makes him drink something before bed. He makes a mental note to remember to do that, along with cleaning up the plates abandoned on the table. And washing the pillowcase that Eren is currently wetting with his tears. But that can all wait.

 

Eren looks so fragile that Levi is extremely hesitant to make any sort of contact, but something inside him is urging him to do so anyway. He feels like he has to try one more thing to ease Eren's pain, even if the boy rejects him instantly. He carefully reaches out a hand and rests it lightly on the top of Eren's head, just behind those furry ears, only starting to stroke the soft hair once he doesn’t get pushed away.

 

It takes longer for Eren to quiet this time, but Levi doesn’t stop with his gentle touches. He hopes that Eren gets it all out, and that he lets go of whatever he’s been holding inside.

 

He hopes that Eren will still smile again tomorrow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random Levi POV out of nowhere. Sorry they are so sporadic, this one was completely unplanned. Speaking of which, if you guys could see my chapter plans and then compare them to the actual chapters, you would be so confused. I always end up writing something different.
> 
> Two more weeks and two more assignments for uni and then I will be free for Christmas break, woo! I hope you are all having a good day, dear readers


	17. The Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternative chapter title: The Mourning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Apologises in every language* I have returned! I've done so many things over the past few weeks but writing hasn't really been one of them, sorry! I actually read lots of fics but neglected my own haha, thank you all for waiting, you guys are the best :) Especially sorry to anyone to whom I said I would update sooner than this, your messages really did encourage me before other things got in the way, thank you for that. I took some pressure off myself over the holidays, since this chapter was really hard to write. I had to be in the right frame of mind, and check that everything flowed, and even now I'm unsure about it.
> 
> So a few happy things: thank you for 600+ kudos, and 10,000 hits, those are incredible numbers, I have to step up my game! And also I have my first fanart from the lovely **leudwig** which you can check out [here](http://i703.photobucket.com/albums/ww34/lusok/fan%20art/498bf52d-31d5-4940-a218-abd5469dede9.jpg)! My gratitude can hardly be put into words. This chapter gets emotional again (sorry because manga chapter 65 was _crushing_ ), but I hope you enjoy :)
> 
> EDIT: Turns out **leudwig** is some kind of magical creature and made more fan art _super_ quickly. [This one](http://leudwig.tumblr.com/post/110142756992/leudwig-fan-art-inspired-by-kirakiracats-fic-by) goes with this chapter, so go ahead and read~

 

Eren goes to bed numb, but he certainly doesn’t wake up that way. Clutching at his chest and gasping for air, awareness greets him harshly. Opening up and remembering has messed with his head; everything feels too real. The end of his mother’s story, the end of her life. The confession of his biggest, darkest trauma… he had chosen to give it, and neither Levi nor Hanji had stopped him, but now that he is being hit with the consequences he wonders if it had been a good idea. He wonders if he should’ve waited, or simply not said anything at all.

 

_Maybe I wasn’t ready._

 

He spends a moment debating whether it would’ve hurt less to physically pry open his ribcage and hold out his bleeding heart to them. Either way, the pain feels like a gaping hole inside him, the wound fresh and raw. And he’s lost on what to do. A tear rolls over the bridge of his nose and splashes onto the pillow under his head.

 

Once the crying has started, it doesn’t really stop. That one tear is the first of many. Silently, he soaks a wet patch under his cheek, his breathing controlled but his chest splitting in two. There is an emptiness inside him, one that he has been adamantly ignoring but is now back with a vengeance.

 

It hurts.

 

But then it hurt before, too. And even now, years later, years older, he can’t shift at will to avoid crying. There is no way of truly escaping this suffering, though.

 

Releasing his grip on the front of his t-shirt, Eren slowly wipes his face. It doesn’t make much difference, since the tears keep coming; he just ends up with wet hands. Awake but weary to his bones, he stares at the lines of his palms until more tears make them blurry and unfamiliar. Then he curls his fingers inwards and presses the heels of his hands hard into his eyes. The salty water can’t be forced back inside, but his eyes burn, swollen and irritated, and he wants it to stop. His world goes dark, only tiny pricks of light flashing in and out of his vision.

 

 _I need Hanji's books. Where are they?_ He doesn’t have them, he realises. Without his recent coping method, the only thing he can look at is the whiteness of the surrounding walls or the blackness of the insides of his eyelids. It’s not a great choice. The picture of the sea he pulls up in his mind has horrid, red water, and then there’s a body on the sand and—

 

The first sob is too loud, but he can’t stop it. It bursts past his lips and into the air, making his ears flatten further against his skull. He doesn’t want to hear it. More importantly, he doesn’t want the others to hear it, if they are nearby. He moves his hands, pushing them upwards, rubbing over his forehead until they can tangle in his hair. His breath catches, and he can feel the second sound coming, so he grits his teeth and screws his face up to stop it. A quiet whine is all that comes out, because that is all he will allow himself, and even then it feels like he’s choking. He rolls over onto his back, even though moving requires an unusual amount of effort, rubbing his face again when tears slide into his hairline.

 

Then, when he opens his eyes, he sees navy blue. Only in his peripheral, but the dark colour stands out against the beige surroundings, peeking out from under the duvet next to his arm. He grasps at it, pulls it towards him with a speed and desperation that he feels pathetic for, but finally he has something tangible to hold onto.

 

Just like before, Levi's pillow is there, secure in his arms, and he can dig his fingers in and bury his face into it. Turned on his side and curled under the covers, he hopes that Levi or Hanji won’t be able to see, hopes that he is hidden from any wandering eyes, but that is only a fleeting worry. The material blocks his vision and floods his sense of smell in the best kind of way, redirecting his thoughts to the present, to reality. Eren doesn’t care how or why it works, just that it does, and the action makes him remember a hand on his head, although the touch is only imaginary now.

 

Levi had not taken it from him when he guided him into his room the previous night, exhausted and emotionally drained, so Eren thinks that it must be okay to use it for a little while longer. He must have let go of it as he slept, and the messy sheets at his feet tell him that he had been tossing and turning, but he’s glad that it stayed by his side. Maybe Levi knew that it would be needed again. After all, he had been the one to come to Eren's rescue, in his own way.

 

Things are quiet, both in the room and inside Eren's head. The hole in his chest throbs dully, and he stays in a trance-like state between conscious and unconscious for an indeterminate length of time, seeing nothing but navy through half-closed eyes. The tears have all dried up, and his breathing is slow, but his nose is blocked and stuffy, and he knows he should get up soon. He’s still being indecisive when he registers footsteps stopping at his doorway.

 

“Eren?” It’s Hanji, their voice hesitant and slightly uncertain but still bright, all things considered. Eren flicks his ears in acknowledgement, offering nothing else even though he doesn’t know whether they can see the movement from this angle. Hanji calls his name again, so he guesses they must have missed it. “Are you awake? It’s half eight, later than usual, so I’m just checking. You should eat something. Want me to bring it to you?” Eren doesn’t respond, barely hungry, but silently appreciates the concern.

 

“Don’t do that, four-eyes. He can get up and sit out here like normal, I know he can. Come on, kid, it’s rude to ignore people.”

 

“Levi, you’re rude _way_ more often, you can’t talk.”

 

“Shut up, just standing next to you is pissing me off today.”

 

After another minute of listening to them bicker, Eren is able to tell that Levi's patience is wearing thin just from his tone. He gathers up what little energy he has and sits upright gradually, first pushing up onto his elbows, then lifting his upper body and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. The conversation stops but he barely pays attention. A pounding in his skull means that he has to sit still for longer, ears still lowered, but when he finally stands up he avoids any dizziness, although he still feels unstable. Gravity seems to be greater today. He concentrates on making it over to Hanji and Levi without obviously stumbling, but his feet drag, and even the blood pumping through his veins feels sluggish and heavy. He can’t manage to fake a smile for Hanji; Levi's face says that he’s not going to be fooled by anything anyway. Eren holds out the pillow, giving it back wordlessly. As soon as Levi has a firm grip on it, he drops his own arm back to his side, limp like his tail hanging behind him.

 

“… How do you feel?”

 

Eren is hit by a sense of déjà vu. That is the same question Levi had asked on New Year’s Day, and he’s wearing the same tired expression as back then, except the concern is more evident this time. Eren clenches his jaw. There’s no easy answer now, no slight amnesia. He keeps his gaze low, reluctant to talk and already tired of standing. Seconds tick by in silence, nobody moving, and Eren can feel himself shutting down again.

 

“You’ve been crying again.” Eren winces at Levi's blunt observation, keeping his head down. He refuses to look at Levi, refuses to show him the expression on his face, although it’s hard to hide properly with their height difference and Eren's short hair. He can feel the eyes on him, but does not acknowledge them in any way. He notices Levi switch the pillow to hold it in his other hand, freeing up his right to grasp onto Hanji's elbow. “Eren, go change into something with long sleeves. Something thick. Four-eyes, you’re coming with me for a minute. I’ll be back.”

 

“Levi, wha—”

 

Eren raises his ears halfway at Levi's odd request, catching sight of Hanji's confused expression for a moment before Levi turns them towards the study. Left in the doorway, Eren folds one arm across his body as he watches them go. He shifts his weight uncertainly before starting to move towards his dresser. He supposes that he does feel a slight chill, his skin lacking its usual warmth, but he can’t understand how Levi could know such a thing just by looking. He barely looks at the shirt he picks out, judging mostly by feel, but does glance over his shoulder before undressing even though his back is to the glass. Levi and Hanji are still out of sight, but he rushes the change nonetheless. There is a strange paranoia in his head that tells him his chest may be stained black with his anguish; he does not check for himself, out of fear.

 

The new clothes doesn’t make too much of a difference, but he thinks that it at least gives his hands something to do; he pulls the end of the sleeves further over his slim wrists and grips the fabric in his palms, pushing the drawer closed with his knuckles.

 

“Eren.”

 

He turns at the call to see Levi, alone now, beckoning to him with a hand from the main room. Eren raises a hand to his face, about to rub at his still-swollen eye, but stops himself halfway. Levi is watching. So he blinks the discomfort away and goes over to him. The man catches the aborted movement with keen eyes but says nothing. Although he knows better, knows not to expect such a thing from him, Eren is still surprised that he sees no pity in Levi's expression. He certainly feels pitiful.

 

“Borrowing things from Hanji comes with its risks, but we don’t have any other options right now. They are a closer size to you, try them on,” Levi says, gesturing to a pair of simple, brown leather boots that are neatly placed at his feet. Eren looks between them and Levi, confusion evident.

 

“Why?” he asks, ending in a small sniffle and swallowing thickly.

 

“Because we’re going outside.”

 

Eren is more than shocked, almost completely disbelieving that he had just heard those words from Levi's mouth. But his wide eyes only take in utter seriousness from the man.

 

“Outside?”

 

“Yes, once you’re dressed appropriately, so come on, before I change my mind. It’s going to be fucking freezing out there.” Sensing a little impatience, or perhaps just general irritation, Eren is quick to do as Levi says. The surprise isn’t enough to make him forget his sorrow, but it does give him a small burst of motivation, a distraction from the grief. He crouches down and finds a pair of woollen socks stuffed in one of the boots, pulling them on before stepping into the shoes. They come up to just above his ankles, and he tucks in the elasticated hem of his sweatpants, followed by the shoelaces that he doesn’t want to waste time tying. When he stands straight again, Levi hands him one of the coats hanging over his arms, along with a scarf, putting on his own while Eren fumbles to find his second sleeve in his haste. A hat is also held out to him but he shakes his head at the offer.

 

“I, uh, don’t really like hats,” he says, flicking one furry ear as explanation. Levi gives him a critical look but shrugs after a few seconds.

 

“Suit yourself. I can’t be sure that it hasn’t touched Hanji's greasy hair anyway.” Eren zips up the coat in a rush and tries to stand still, but the prospect of a change of scenery has him nearly shaking with anticipation. The length in the arms and across the shoulders is right, but it’s oversized everywhere else. Eren knows it will keep him warm as long as there isn’t a breeze sneaking into the loose sleeves or the gaps around his chest. Once again, he’s surrounded by a scent that isn’t his own, and the effect is pleasantly calming. Levi looks him over once before tilting his head and frowning. Eren is about to ask what’s wrong but then holds his breath as Levi reaches up to wrap the scarf more securely around Eren's neck and do the zipper all the way to the top. Seemingly more satisfied with his work, Levi takes his set of keys from his pockets and walks over to the door. Eren puts a hand over where Levi's had just been before following behind him.

 

“Is Hanji coming too?” The boots feel bulky on his feet, unfamiliar to him after all this time, but he has enough room to wiggle his toes, which he does as the lock clicks open in the heavy door leading to the staircase.

 

“Four-eyes has a few other things to do. They might show up later,” Levi answers dismissively. Suspicious, Eren throws a glance over his shoulder, wondering why Hanji would choose work over this, but then remembers that he is the only one who would put so much importance on simply seeing the sky. _Finally_ , he thinks, steeling himself against the pang in his heart.

 

At the end of the corridor, craning his neck upwards, Eren is once again fascinated by the hole sliding open at the top of the staircase after Levi presses the corresponding button. The man waits for Eren to go first, and so they ascend at his pace. Eren is ashamed to find that the muscles in his thighs protest from the short climb, but he ignores it. The cabin is exactly as it was before, only different because he’s seeing it in the daylight. However it’s not the inside that he’s interested in.

 

Levi is quiet as he unlocks the front door and steps out, and the temperature change is sudden but not unwelcome. Eren sucks in a breath reflexively, and the cool outside air instantly feels like a salve on the emotional wound deep in his chest.

 

He is outside. During the daytime. For the first time in far too long.

 

Eren grips the bottom hem of the borrowed coat so tightly that his knuckles blanch white.

 

Levi clicks his tongue. “Colder than I thought,” he says to himself, hunching his shoulders slightly.

 

It’s a very grey day, typical of January weather, the sky one flat colour as far as Eren can see. But even with the colours muted, he appreciates the view. Even like this, it’s almost overwhelming. The sun is hidden, but he finally has natural light on his face, weak though it may be. Levi takes a seat on the step in front of them, lowering himself smoothly and with hardly a whisper of sound, while Eren simply stands and breathes. A gentle breeze ruffles his hair, travelling across the open space before them, bending the long blades of grass in the clearing as it passes. The peaceful sight makes him want to investigate the area further from the cabin.

 

He walks forward, but just as his feet leave the porch, the soles of his boots crunching on the gravel, Levi's voice makes him halt.

 

“So, you were crying again.” There’s that pang in his heart again. Eren doesn’t move for a few seconds, but then slowly turns his head, wanting to see if Levi expects him to reply to the repeated statement. Grey eyes meet his own steadily, but he sees no judgement, and still no signs of pity.

 

There is a long pause where Eren tries to keep eye contact for as long as possible, but eventually has to look away, ears lowered. Levi exhales, not quite a sigh, but to Eren it feels like there is a weight behind it.

 

“Thinking about your mother?” he asks quietly, his tone soft like the wind, fitting well with the subdued atmosphere. Eren grimaces before he can stop himself, and then nods stiffly, coat still clenched in his fists. Another pause, while he breathes through the tightness in his chest. He looks up when Levi pats the space to his side twice, and sees that the man’s face is carefully blank but not completely indifferent. The invitation makes Eren stare for a moment, debating. Levi doesn’t make any move to force or rush him.

 

Eren decides to sit, a polite distance between them. _Levi must have brought me up here for something specific._ He fidgets when the chill of the wood seeps into his legs, but makes no noise. He relaxes his hands, resting them in his lap, and curls his tail to the side.

 

Leaves rustle at the edge of the forest. Time seems to move slowly. Eren silently wishes that there were clouds for him to watch drift across the sky.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Eren looks to his left at the question, but Levi keeps his gaze forward. He had spoken a little more hesitantly than the other times and there’s some tension in his face, noticeable around his eyes from how close Eren is. When he gets no reaction after just staring for a while, he figures that Levi is waiting for an answer. He struggles with what to say, even though a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ could be all that is needed.

 

“Will it- will it help?”

 

“That depends on you.” Levi looks at him briefly out of the corner of his eye. Eren frowns in thought. He wants it to help, wants to stop feeling this painful kind of emptiness, but he still wonders whether speaking up yesterday is what is to blame for his current state.

 

He huddles lower into his coat, pulling his knees in closer. Small tremors shake his frame, and it’s not due to the temperature.

 

“… It hurts.” He brings a hand up to his chest without thought, since the verbal acknowledgement makes it throb harder than before.

 

“No shit.” Eren thinks that he isn’t supposed to have heard that part, his ears giving him an advantage and catching the whispered words. The guess is confirmed when Levi quickly continues. “Your pain is valid. The fact that you’re feeling it means you’re alive.”

 

“And what about those who are dead?” It comes out harsher than Eren had intended, anger flaring for only a second and making his tail bristle, before being swallowed by the black hole inside him. The fact that Levi gives no outward reaction also makes him feel guilty for snapping. Already this is more difficult than he had thought, and he had been under no illusion that it would be easy in the first place. He is quieter when he speaks again. “My mother is _dead._ I was  _weak_ and I couldn't carry her to safety. She told me to leave her and still I-I fought with her, and in the end I was dragged away. If only I hadn’t—”

 

“Don’t.” In that one word, Levi shows so much emotion that Eren is caught off guard, and then he blinks and Levi is back in control once more. The way his eyebrows had furrowed deeply and his expression had twisted with frustration, Eren knows that he must have been remembering something of his own. The darkness that flashed in those steely irises had come from experience, he can tell.

 

“You too?” he blurts out, only realising that it doesn’t really make sense until he has said it. Levi seems to pick up on his meaning anyway, glaring at the horizon and clenching one hand into a fist. Eren has to wait for that hand to loosen again before Levi replies, but his glare has barely softened.

 

“Yes. I lost two people very close to me, years ago. Even without knowing your whole story, I know that it wasn't your fault. A kid like you shouldn't blame himself. You can beat yourself up a thousand times over for what could have been done, but it can’t be changed either way. Regret is poison, and you should try to live without it.” Eren processes Levi's terse words slowly, boldly looking at the side of the man’s face as he wraps his mind around them.

 

“How though?” he asks. The wrinkles disappear from Levi's forehead when he hears the question, and he turns to look at Eren steadily.

 

“You have to be strong.” Eren scoffs at the word, dropping his eyes to the ground.

 

“I think… even if I was strong before, or could have been strong, I’m not anymore.”

 

“That’s not true,” Levi says firmly, leaving no room for argument. Eren looks up, shocked at his conviction; he had not expected to hear that, not from someone like Levi, who is solid and tough and has seen Eren be nothing but weak. Levi is looking at him like he has faith in him, and Eren doesn’t know how to react other than to shy away.

 

“… So, what did _you_ do? To be strong, I mean.” Levi stares out at the clearing again as he thinks.

 

“Me? I kept moving forward. Tried to find what I lacked so that it wouldn’t happen again. It did, many times after that, but I couldn’t let it break me. I moved forward. Even when you only look ahead, you can still feel them at your back, all those who have been lost, but that’s not a bad thing. You can carry them with you as long as they don’t weigh you down. By strong I mean the strength to not give up. You have that.” The conviction from before returns as Levi says this. “Forgetting is painful too. One day you wake up and you can’t remember how their voice sounded, and the little things that you never paid much attention to become precious.”

 

“I think that’s already happened to me. I don’t want to forget, but… people’s faces are missing or blurry, even if I try really hard.” Eren can’t stop his eyes from getting misty again, but doesn’t let any actual tears fall.

 

“You don’t need to force it, just keep them in mind. Find something positive that makes you remember them for who they were, the good parts. The world is shitty, absolutely full of shit, so hold onto things that aren’t shitty if you can.”

 

Eren sits still and absorbs it all, everything that Levi has said, finding that he is understanding himself more and more. Levi makes sense, despite that last statement, and Eren doesn’t deny the growing respect that he feels for the man.

 

“What makes you remember your two people?” Eren asks tentatively, and Levi hums softly as he tilts his head back to look up at the sky.

 

“For Isabel it’s the sound of singing birds, or the sight of them flying on a sunny day. And Farlan, for him it’s a night sky full of stars. Hard to see when you’re underground.” Levi gives a sad smile as he closes his eyes. “Adjusting to life without them… I resisted it for ages. But even if you push your emotions aside, or lock them away, eventually you have to come back to them. In your own time.” He opens his eyes again and turns his head towards Eren, who feels like he couldn’t look away even if he wanted to. “Slow deaths, brutal deaths, deaths that no one saw coming or was there to see… I’ve been through them all. Part of being the one left standing is struggling to come to terms with it all. That doesn’t mean being happy, but they are at peace, and so should you be.”

 

The look they share is full of too many difficult things for Eren to name, charged and meaningful. A moment of closeness brought by similar experiences. Then Levi sighs and faces forwards again, breaking the connection, and Eren copies him, slightly embarrassed. Levi is quiet for a long while, and Eren feels the need to reach out, like he had done for him. He has the sudden idea to show him the key that hangs around his neck, so he pulls it out from under his shirt and coat and scarf and lets it dangle from his fingers. Levi watches it glint in the light.

 

“I have this key from my father. He gave it to me after the attack, when he found me again. I’ve taken great care not to lose it, not matter what, and I’m glad that I still have it… but I have nothing from my mother. It feels like everything I have of her is gone.” Eren drops the key back where it belongs, letting it warm up against his skin once more.

 

“You might not want to hear this from me, but your mother must have been an incredibly brave woman,” Levi begins, and Eren stares at his hands as he listens intently. “She chose you, loved you to the bitter end. You haven’t been allowed to mourn. Just a child, stuck in isolation, surrounded by anger and fear and hate… you haven’t finished grieving, not even close, and for that you can take as long as you need. You’ll feel better in the end.”

 

Biting his lip, Eren squeezes his eyes shut a little too late. He’s crying again, but it feels different to before. It feels freeing, a relief that he isn’t used to. _It won’t be impossible._ Eren finds he has a little more hope. The pain in his chest has dulled to a more manageable ache, smaller and less intense.

 

“And you can always cry in a safe place.” Levi hesitates slightly then, drawing Eren's attention because of how unusual it is for him. He clears his throat suddenly. “Watching over you isn’t that bad, Eren. Maybe this could be your safe place. But then, what do I know.”

 

Eren gapes at him but then quickly covers it up with an awkward laugh, too strained to be believable, and wipes at his face with both sleeves.

 

“You’re pretty talkative today, Levi,” he says, once all traces of tears are gone.

 

“What are you talking about? It’s in my nature to be talkative.” Eren gives a weak smile at the gruff response, shifting in his position to get his blood flowing in his legs. The temperature hasn’t really increased, though they have been sitting outside for a long time by now. Comfortable silence settles between them, and Eren doesn’t even think of moving.

 

He can’t say how much later it is when he hears movement inside the cabin behind them, his ears easily swivelling to catch the sound of footsteps. Levi notices out of his peripheral, and then clicks his tongue when the door opens to reveal Hanji. They observe the scene before them for two seconds, and then their face splits into a wide grin.

 

“Turned into icicles yet?” they ask cheerily, coming over and dropping down on Eren's right side. “A little wolf icicle would be cute. In theory, of course,” they joke to him quietly.

 

“Obviously not, shitty four-eyes. Why do you only have a blanket around your shoulders?”

 

“Ah, because I couldn’t find my other coats,” they say, shrugging and pulling said blanket up to their neck.

 

“What the fuck do you mean you ‘couldn’t find’ them? They’re in the same place as always, and I know because I have literally just seen them before we came up.” When Hanji just blinks at Levi, he pinches the bridge of his nose in irritation. Eren hides his mouth behind his scarf so that Levi won’t see that he’s trying not to laugh. “Did you even look?” he asks.

 

“Nope,” Hanji answers instantly, without a care for Levi's increasing exasperation. “It felt like a good time for blankets, y’know? Snuggle weather! Wanna snuggle with me, Levi?”

 

“Fuck off.”

 

“So _mean_. You wound me so. But that’s okay because I want to snuggle with Eren more anyway.” Eren is about to politely decline any future snuggling, but Hanji just gives him a wink and throws one end of the blanket around his shoulders, keeping some space between them, to his relief. So he accepts, although he had been fine without it; the coat has done a good job insulating him all this time.

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to join us, Levi?”

 

“Shut up, four-eyes. What are we? Penguins? I’m fine as I am, considering I wear actual outdoor clothes unlike a certain idiot. Besides, you’re hogging most of it.”

 

 _It’s true_ , Eren thinks, looking at Hanji. They have their end of the blanket pulled up high and tucked all the way around the front of their body. But Eren knows that he is a little to blame too. Truthfully, the blanket should be large enough for the three of them, but that would involve Eren being pressed in the middle and he isn’t sure he could handle that. Just thinking of the cramped position makes him feel trapped, so on the inside he is thankful that Levi had declined. Immediately after thinking that, though, Eren feels guilty. It would be warmer for everyone if they shared. He hunches down lower under his many layers and feels terrible for not being able to compromise, even though neither Hanji nor Levi had actually asked him to.

 

“Hey, Levi. Thank you for bringing me up here,” Eren says sincerely. Levi nods while Hanji bounces a little on his other side.

 

“No problem, kid. Aren’t you getting hungry about now?” Eren is glad that his stomach hasn’t started rumbling yet, but now that Levi mentions it, he finds that he would like some food soon. He is reluctant to go back inside, but knows he has to eat.

 

“Uh, yes, I guess so.”

 

“Lunch it is then,” Hanji says brightly, jigging one leg energetically.

 

“Oh. Also, what is a penguin?” Eren asks, remembering what Levi had said earlier. Hanji jumps right out of their seat without warning, startling him as they lean down to be face-to-face.

 

“Eren! You are going to _love_ this!”

 

+++++

 

An afternoon spent in front of the television proves to be more educational than Eren could have imagined. Hanji's excitement had started with penguins, which Eren now knows are flightless birds that can swim – his disbelief could only be changed by actual footage of them underwater – and then they had flitted from subject to subject, from animals to the Antarctic to magnetic poles to sea levels and many places in between. Eren had removed the boots and coat, handing them back to Levi, but keeps the thick socks on while he curls up on the couch with Hanji talking non-stop from the armchair and a documentary playing in the background. Levi had wordlessly excused himself earlier on, cleaning up after lunch and then taking care of any small thing that wouldn’t involve being close enough to Hanji to get caught up in their endless stream of facts and speculations.

 

Eren realises that he’s already seeing his pack and loved ones in the things around him, noticing it more now after his talk with Levi. And instead of that depressing him like it might have done before, the reminders start to overcome the awful hollowness that he’s been enduring for so long. _I guess it did help after all._

 

He wishes that he had some real flowers to remind him of his mother, but for now, pictures will have to do. He doesn’t complain, happy to wait for spring to come.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was very self-indulgent but I don't think I quite did it justice. There's lots of talking and I'm never confident in my dialogue writing, but I wanted to have a scene like this. I need mentor Levi doing his thing in canon. Isayama, please let Eren find peace, save that boy, _please_.  
>  Lots of love to you guys out there! If something is bothering you right now, I hope you can soldier through it~


	18. The Evening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today is a good day!! Actually this week has been a good week for me. This might sound silly, but I am very proud to finally post this chapter, because it's an accomplishment over a block I've been dealing with. I'll be open with you guys and say that the reason this took me so long is because my depression just got really bad around March and it makes me very unproductive. It took everything I had to make it through my end of year exams, even months later. So it wasn't really writers block, I've had this entire chapter outlined _ages_ ago, but it sucked because I just had to wait for it to pass and that took much longer than I thought. But I want you to know that any and all messages/comments I received made it _so_ much better, and without you kind people I could've taken even longer. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. No need to worry now, I'm back in business, although I hope the hiatus hasn't made my writing worse. And sorry if you need to go back and reread to refresh your memory!
> 
> Also, finally I can thank everyone for 900+ kudos and 200+ bookmarks! With numbers like that, I could never abandon this fic, it means a lot to me ♥ and it's been a year since I uploaded the first chapter, and even though there's been this 6 month break, that's another milestone! By pure coincidence, I am returning with the longest chapter so far, too! Please enjoy~

 

Hanji erupts in sneezes before dinnertime. It makes Eren jump in his seat, considering they had been explaining something fairly quietly and then startled themselves mid-sentence. There’s a moment of stunned silence where Hanji's face is almost comically confused, obviously not expecting the sudden interruption, and then they break out into their usual boisterous laughter. Eren relaxes again, his pulse slowly going back to normal after the shock.

 

Having headed for his room a while ago, seemingly putting distance between himself and Eren for the time being, Levi emerges when Hanji has another loud fit of sneezing, ending in a displeased groan and wrinkling their nose. Levi wrinkles his nose right back as he holds out a box of tissues. Eren notices that he is careful not to let Hanji's fingertips touch him as they reach up, sniffling and smiling up at him.

 

“I _told_ you to wear a coat,” he says sternly. “Looks like you were outside just long enough to trigger a cold.”

 

“I told you to wear a coat,” Hanji repeats, in what Eren thinks is a very bad impression of Levi's voice and tone. They pull out two tissues in one go and blow their nose twice in quick succession. Levi visibly cringes. “Thank you, _dear_ ,” they say overly sweetly. Obviously not amused, Levi switches his grip on the box and whacks them over the head once. “Ow! Don’t hit the sick and ailing, Levi, you meanie.”

 

Levi huffs, still frowning. “I was hoping to beat the sickness right out of you. Now go wash your disgusting hands. And have the decency to use your goddamn elbows to turn the taps.”

 

“But you’re just gonna go in and clean everything after I’m done anyway,” Hanji replies, already up and moving to do as they’ve been told. Levi crosses his arms and stays quiet, and Eren thinks it’s only because he can’t deny that that’s exactly what he’s planning on doing. Levi watches them go, and some of his tension seems to ease when they disappear into the bathroom, wisely pushing the door open with their hip. Eren hears them blow their nose again, and then the sound of running water.

 

Levi sighs unhappily, and Eren shifts on the sofa, placing the book in his hands on the cushion beside him. It’s another one borrowed from Hanji, of course, this time an animal encyclopaedia of sorts, so large that it had taken them hardly any time at all to find it once the idea had come to them. So far, Eren is enjoying it just as much as the other two. He stretches his arms above his head, and then wraps them around his knees, thankful for the break from Hanji's ramblings even if it’s due to unexpected circumstances.

 

“Don’t tell me you’re cold, too,” Levi says, turning to frown at Eren with slight concern. Eren blinks and shakes his head. “Are you sure?” Eren nods. “Okay, that’s good. One sick person is enough, especially when it’s Hanji.”

 

“Are they going to be alright?” Eren asks, unsure of what this means. Something about Levi's tone when he had said the last part makes him more worried than he had been before. He realises that he has no idea how good humans are at fighting off illnesses. Levi's calm demeanour and Hanji's normal reactions are keeping him from getting too anxious, though.

 

Levi raises an eyebrow as Eren looks up at him, his frown temporarily disappearing before coming back.

 

“Hmm, they’ll be annoying, no doubt, but it’s just a cold. No need to look so upset.” At this, Eren lowers his ears self-consciously and tries to fix his expression into something more neutral. _Just a cold_ , he repeats to himself. “It would probably be best if you don’t let them get too close for the next few days, so you don’t catch it.” Eren goes to reply, but is cut off by Hanji's noisy return, their sneeze making both his and Levi's heads turn.

 

“I’m not even that bad, don’t underestimate me and my lovely immune system, Levi. Now then, who’s ready for dinner?” they ask, followed by yet another sniff. Eren eyes the barely noticeable redness around their nose with thinly-veiled scrutiny.

 

“Oh no, absolutely not.” Levi turns to face them head-on, his whole body stiffening and his face leaving no room for argument.

 

Hanji, of course, argues anyway.

 

“What? Levi, even if you dislike my cooking sometimes, we have to eat. If you’d just let me—”

 

“I don’t mean that. I mean you’re not going anywhere near our food in that state. In fact, you’re not allowed in the kitchen at all.” Levi's face is deadly serious, and so Hanji does nothing but pout, although Eren can tell that they’re still healthy enough to think about refusing his orders for a little while longer. There is a tense stare-down, which Levi instantly wins once Hanji sneezes again, loud enough to make Eren jump. They groan in defeat.

 

“I should be fine soon, but if you want to take over tonight then I won’t fight you,” they say before passing Levi to sit down, snatching the tissue box on the way. Eren shuffles out of the way a little so that they can grab the blanket they had previously draped over the back of the sofa, watching as they wrap it securely around themselves before dropping heavily into the armchair. They don’t stop pouting, even as Levi walks away and stops giving them attention, only moving to push their glasses up and rub the bridge of their nose with one hand. Seeing Hanji’s discomfort, Eren feels slightly guilty at being the one to wear what is probably their warmest coat. He squeezes his legs a little tighter and thinks of what he can do for them.

 

“Hanji? Do you, um… Would you like a glass of water?” he asks quietly, ducking his head behind his knees. Hanji looks up and gives him a bright smile, and he blinks at the change.

 

“Ah, Eren, you’re so sweet. You’re the sugar to balance out Levi's bitterness right now. You don’t have to, but I guess I should keep hydrated, so yes, please. Thanks for the offer.” Eren nods quickly and stands up, a little less coordinated due to his haste. His head still feels a little achy from crying earlier, but it’s bearable. With how good Hanji is at providing distractions, it almost feels like waking up and the events that followed happened days ago. He decides to get another drink for himself too while he’s up, so he picks up his empty glass from where he had left it on the floor.

 

Eren pads over to the kitchen, where Levi seems to be setting up everything he needs for dinner on the counter. Wanting to stay out of the way, Eren watches Levi move for another minute, noticing how he double checks all the ingredient packets and also inspects the cleanliness of the kitchenware despite being the one who cleans it all to his own strict standards. Eren moves in when there’s an opening, stopping for a second to think which cupboard holds the spare glasses.

 

“One more to the right,” Levi says, just as Eren begins to reach for a handle. He quickly switches to grab the indicated cupboard, thanking Levi with a nod that the man doesn’t see, having already turned around again to continue his preparations. Eren has to wait again to move past him to get to the sink, and then fills the two glasses with water. He feels Levi come up behind him more than he hears it, and glances to the side to see him waiting with a pot in hand. Levi doesn’t look impatient, his expression simply bored as usual, but Eren still hurries thorough his small task, flicking his eyes back to concentrate on what his hands are doing. As soon as he steps away from the sink, Levi quietly replaces him and starts filling the pot with water.

 

The atmosphere isn’t quite tense, Eren thinks, but there is a feeling of fragility in the air between him and Levi. He attributes it to the intimate conversation from earlier still lingering in both their minds, making their current interactions more tentative. But if Levi is picking up on any of this, he must be hiding it well. Eren is the one who feels the need to avert his eyes and can’t seem to find his words while Levi is mostly unaffected, unless Eren counts the time he had spent alone in his room immediately after coming back inside as his way of adjusting. He feels like it shouldn’t be this way, like the words they shared should have left him more comfortable in the man’s presence as opposed to the awkwardness that shakes his nerves now.

 

‘Comfortable’ is a word Eren never would have used to describe himself whilst around humans after what he has been through, but then a lot has changed since coming here, and it continues to change. The trust between him and them has grown, and now he only feels the divide between them at certain times, the seemingly unavoidable separation of species. The rest of the time, he can relax, so can’t figure out why standing near Levi makes him feel like this, now.

 

 _I can get past this_ , he thinks while delivering Hanji's water, and he realises that he can say that with such confidence only because Levi had told him he was strong. Just remembering the words makes his chest feel warm. He sips his own drink as Hanji thanks him, their voice sounding a little hoarse even after only a short period of disuse; he reminds himself to keep an eye on them tonight, in case this ‘ _just a cold_ ’ gets any worse. But any other words they say are lost to him as he sinks deep into his thoughts.

 

At this point, he knows more about Levi than he did before, and the revelations have only served to increase Eren's subtle admiration of the man, as well as deepen the respect he feels for how Levi has endured his own personal hardships. For what is probably the first time, he fully realises that he had made Levi his first ever confidante in his suffering, albeit with a little prompting from Levi himself. Empathy is the expression that Levi has always been showing him, every time that Eren expected it to be pity or even disgust. It is the slight similarities in their history, the way that he also knows what it feels like to be the only one left behind after the gruesome death of loved ones, which is the reason why Eren knows he can start to leave this hesitance behind, at least a little bit. Because Levi understands and, despite the remaining conflict that sits in the back of his mind, Eren doesn’t dislike his presence anymore. Although, he is still getting used to it. But mostly, he is tired of tiptoeing around. He doesn’t want to take a step back after all his recent progress. Spending more time with Levi will hopefully get rid of the strange tension, and so Eren makes a decision. He empties his glass in one long drink and then makes his way back over to the kitchen, not noticing Hanji's eyes following him.

 

Levi is opening a packet of meat when Eren comes up beside him, an open can of tomatoes and what looks like chopped onions on a plastic board nearby. He raises his head when Eren sets his glass down, his gaze vaguely questioning.

 

“Would you like some help?” Eren asks, purposely keeping eye contact; he’s resolved to do this, and he won’t let Levi turn him away. If the question surprises Levi at all, then he doesn’t show it. He only leaves a short pause before shrugging nonchalantly and ripping the last of the plastic off the packet in front of him.

 

“Sure, why not. Wash your hands. The oil’s already out on the side, mind getting the pan ready?” he says, pointing his thumb over his shoulder to where the bottle of oil is indeed waiting beside a large flat pan on the hob. Eren nods quickly, glad of the acceptance, and moves over to do as he’s been asked, washing his hands properly but then coming to a stop when he picks up the bottle.

 

“Um, how much do you need?” he asks, not wanting to mess up before they even really begin cooking. Levi leaves what he’s doing for a moment to come stand next to Eren.

 

“Start pouring slowly, in a circle so it can spread. I’ll tell you when to stop… yeah just like that. That’s fine.” Under Levi's watchful eye, Eren tilts the oil and makes a wobbly ring in the centre of the pan. Pleased, he returns the oil to where it had been before, putting the lid back on at the same time.

 

“I didn’t want to do it wrong, sorry to distract you,” Eren says, attempting to keep the conversation going. Levi still feels closed off despite the proximity.

 

“No big deal. I have to turn the heat on first anyway. It’s this one, see?” For the first time, since he never wanted to get in the way of Hanji's cooking, Eren notices that the stove is unlike the ones he is familiar with. There are no metal supports for pots and pans, and not even any burners, just a shiny black rectangle with four circles outlined on it that is almost flush with the marble countertops. Levi presses a finger to one of four numbered scales along the bottom edge, and this apparently does something, since Eren hears a small beep and the selected number lights up red.

 

“Where does the fire come from?” He resists leaning down and trying to look at what’s happening under the pan, but his confusion and curiosity is obvious. His ears are fixed forward as he waits to hear anything else happen. _Is it even on?_ , he thinks. All he can hear is Hanji's continued sniffling across the room.

 

“No fire, this is an induction hob, not a gas one. There’s some fancy physics stuff going on under it, ask Hanji if you want. It’s safer ‘cause it only works when the pan is on the circle, and heats up pretty fast. But most importantly, it’s clean,” Levi explains. Eren keeps looking at every inch of the hob like its secrets will suddenly reveal themselves, but can’t see anything special. Levi steps away for a second and brings back the chopped onions, tipping them into the pan and handing Eren a wooden spatula. Eren's ears twitch as the onions begin to sizzle quietly in the oil, proving that the pan is hot just as Levi had said. He smiles in wonder at the innovation. “Move those around so they cook evenly.”

 

“Right,” Eren replies, making sure to not let his fascination divert his attention too much. He pushes the onions around slowly, watching as Levi continues with the rest of the preparations, opening cupboards and putting the kettle to boil. “So… what are we making?” Levi is peeling open something that is shaped like a cube and wrapped in coloured foil, and his hands don’t stop as he talks.

 

“Bolognese, plus whatever pasta we have right now. It’s one of your approved meals and I can actually make it better than Hanji sometimes, ‘cause it’s simple. They get a little too adventurous a little too often with stuff like this.” Levi drops the unwrapped cube into a mug and then pours the water from the kettle into it. He glances over to the pan – Eren is just pushing the onions back and forth now – before humming to himself, reaching over for the meat. He holds his hand out for the spatula, which Eren passes to him, mindful to not fumble and drop it, and uses it to carefully drop the minced beef on top of the onions. He uses the end of the spatula to divide it up and fill the pan. The sizzling is louder now, and the new smell makes Eren's stomach rumble, just enough that he can feel it.

 

“I think Hanji's a good cook. I mean, I’m not saying that just because I’ve been… left starving before. I always appreciate their meals,” Eren says quietly, cautiously, his gaze on the pink beef browning in the pan. Levi goes still beside him, in a way that makes Eren wonder if he will stay silent and at a distance like he has been previously. When Levi gives the spatula back to him, he takes it wordlessly, his grip loose. He turns the meat so that the raw parts on top can cook properly, nibbling at his bottom lip.

 

“Y’know… I think it would mean a lot to them if you said that directly to them instead of me.” Eren's ears perk up from their drooped position, and he lifts his head to blink at Levi in mild disbelief. He’s holding the open can of tomatoes like he does his teacups, although now he’s resting it on the countertop and twisting it round and round as he finds his words. Eren waits, breathing only lightly, as if anything more would make Levi turn away again. When he does speak, his voice is low. “What I said about you having approved meals is true. You might have figured this out already, they aren’t trying to hide it or anything, but Hanji is very serious about your diet. Nothing about them is half-hearted, and especially not this. They want you to get better more than anything right now, believe that.”

 

Eren looks away, a sudden tightness in his chest. He presses his lips together and digs his nails into the handle of the spatula.

 

“Remember when you first got here and just had bread, and then fruit later on? I was leaving all decisions to them, and they wanted to ease you back into more filling foods, plain things that wouldn’t make you sick. It’s been important to them from the start, and even though nutrition isn’t their field of expertise, research is their forte. They want what’s best for you. So that’s why… that’s why I’m glad you don’t hate them either.”

 

There’s a lump in Eren’s throat that he has to swallow past, and an uncomfortable sting in his eyes, but no actual tears. He had known that for all Hanji's light-hearted chatter and easy smiles, they would never make jokes about things that really mattered. But now he looks at the bigger picture, at the huge responsibility they have taken upon themselves to be in charge of caring for him, the boy who had nearly wasted away, who had broken far too easily last night. Last night…

 

“You thought I hated them?” Levi furrows his brow, the corners of his mouth turning down slightly.

 

“It had crossed my mind,” he admits. “But after hearing you just now, I see that I had no reason to worry about that four-eyes.” Levi looks up, and Eren can see the exact moment the tension leaves his face, although he isn’t sure what kind of expression he himself is making for that to happen. “Hey, don’t let it burn,” Levi says, and the atmosphere snaps back to normal. Eren jumps to attention, refocusing on his task.

 

“Ah! R-right.” The pan is fine, to his relief, and he stirs the contents slowly as Levi comes back with the mug from earlier. Eren takes a sniff, and finds that it smells delicious, if a little strong. “What’s that?” Levi pours in the liquid, and the pan changes from sizzling to bubbling.

 

“Just beef stock dissolved in water. For flavour.” Eren makes a sound of understanding, and then moves out of the way so Levi can turn down the heat – he’s still amazed that all it takes is the touch of a finger. He keeps stirring, since Levi doesn’t tell him to stop. “Add the tomatoes,” he says after a while, towel in hand to dry the freshly-washed mug he had just used. Eren does so, making sure not to splash anything outside of the pan, and then mixes all the contents together. When Levi finally tells him it’s enough, he rests the spatula at the edge of the pan and fiddles with the end of his sleeve. The aroma coming from the Bolognese has his stomach growling, and he wonders if Levi can hear it.

 

“My mother used to make something similar to this,” Eren says suddenly, mostly to himself. But Levi can hear him, even if he can’t quite catch the rumbles of his belly, and quirks an eyebrow in subtle interest.

 

“Oh?” he says, meaning for Eren to continue talking.

 

“Yeah… but not exactly. There’s something missing from this, I think. I might be remembering wrong.”

 

“Well, now is the time to change it. Do you know what it is you need?” Eren gapes a little at the offer, and searches his mind for a clue as to what it is he might have been thinking of.

 

“N-no. I didn’t cook with her all that often.” _Even though I wish I had now,_ he finishes in his head. He closes his eyes, willing a visual memory to come to him. But it’s no use. “Maybe if I smelled it I would know?” he thinks out loud.

 

“Whatever it is could be in the cupboard, if you want to try.”

 

“Really?” Eren's eyes widen, not expecting to be taken seriously for something so small and inconsequential. “Um, yeah, okay.”

 

Levi truly doesn’t look bothered at indulging Eren's whim, simply reaching for the upper cupboard to the right of the hob. Eren watches as Levi’s eyes scan over the inside of the shelves that he can’t see from his angle, and is surprised to see Levi frown again. He clicks his tongue, obviously unhappy with what he has found.

 

“Did you take all the labels off the jars _again_ , shitty four-eyes? How the fuck am I supposed to cook like this?” Eren leans over to take a look, and while there are many bottles on the shelves, it is true that they are all bare.

 

Hanji sneezes, moving the tissue they’re holding away from their nose and mouth so they can be heard.

 

“Hmm, maybe. Labels are nothing but limits, my dear friend. Let your culinary creativity flow! Unless they’re dangerous chemicals, labels are unnecessary, and even then seeing a skull and crossbones is pretty distracting. I mean, I don’t want to be thinking of pirates, I want to be thinking of _science_! Cooking is science, and science is discovery!”

 

“If this illness doesn’t knock them out, I will,” Levi mutters under his breath, loud enough for only Eren to hear. His ears swivel back uneasily, and he realises that he should say something before Levi follows through on his threat.

 

“It’s okay, Levi, I was just gonna use my nose anyway, since the names don’t mean much to me in the first place,” he blurts, moving to the other side of Levi to start pulling down the small jars at random. Huffing, Levi takes over stirring duty, using a little more force than necessary and glaring at the tomato-red sauce like it is the source of the offence.

 

Eren tries to be organised, setting his chosen jars out in a line on the counter and then starting at one end. He thinks that it will be easy to know which one is the right one when he gets to it, especially when he can smell the Bolognese at the same time, but he goes slowly, just to be sure. Some of the stronger spices make his nose itch in their pure forms, and he has to take a short break after smelling those. But with only four containers left to go, he stops.

 

The one he’s holding under his nose is filled with tiny, pale yellow-green seeds, and when he smells it he can see himself sitting at his old kitchen table. There’s orange sunlight streaming in through the window, and a steaming plate of food in front of him. And his father and mother are there, and she’s smiling so warmly and talking so soft—

 

“This is it.” _It has to be_ , he thinks, holding the little jar out so Levi can see it.

 

“Ah, fennel seeds. At least I know those at a glance,” he says. And then louder, “You’re re-labelling all of these once you’ve recovered, four-eyes.” Hanji waves a hand and mumbles something from under their blanket that doesn’t exactly sound like agreement. “Give ‘em here, Eren, I’ll add them in now and then cook the pasta as it simmers. You don’t have to stand around here anymore.” Eren nods, the vivid image from his memory still lingering, and begins to put the rest of the spices back as he found them. But when he is done, he feels like he can still do something helpful, so he decides to get the plates out since Levi hasn’t done that yet.

 

Despite being told he didn’t have to hang around, Eren stays in the kitchen, keeping out of the way and keeping Levi company. There’s no conversation, now, but Eren finds he likes to observe the precise way Levi cooks, clean and efficient with his movements and utensils. The man works faster alone, and balances watching two pots effortlessly. By the time the food is ready, Eren is more than glad, his hunger having grown hard to ignore.

 

Eren fetches Hanji while Levi dishes up, feeling a pang of sympathy at seeing them rub at their watery eyes. Their nose looks a little worse too, skin reddened around the edges. They’re moving slower than usual, so Eren brings both their plates to the table. He sits, and when Hanji joins him they thank him with a smile that is quickly ruined by a sneeze. Eren has long since lost count of how many times it’s been. He wonders how long humans take to recover from colds. But he pulls himself out of his thoughts when he notices that Levi is making no move towards his chair, instead staying behind the kitchen island, his plate set in front of him.

 

“I don’t want to increase the risk of getting infected,” he explains once he catches Eren's questioning look. Hanji pouts indignantly, grabbing their fork and shovelling a huge bite into their mouth. But that first taste defuses their annoyance, as Eren assumes from the way they close their eyes and make a noise of delight.

 

“Levi's cooking! Such a rare delicacy,” they sigh happily, going straight back for another mouthful. Eren eats a little slower, but agrees that it tastes wonderful; plenty of meat, and with a hint of home that warms him from the inside out. He looks over to Levi, and realises that this is the first time they aren’t all sitting at the table to eat dinner since the routine began. “It’s been _ages_ , hasn’t it?” Levi rolls his eyes and shrugs, one elbow leaning on the counter as he eats in measured bites.

 

“Who knows. I can’t remember the last time I cooked for people.” His tone sounds too flat, his disinterest too forced, Eren thinks, but he can’t say anything. Hanji tilts their head and chews, suddenly looking like they’re in deep thought.

 

“Levi? No garlic?” Eren smiles inwardly. He had been expecting a more insightful question, but can’t say he’s surprised that Hanji has chosen to go off on a tangent. But he wonders if the reason he’s disappointed is because now he won’t be getting any more information on why Levi had shut them down the way he did.

 

“My recipe, my rules. I skipped it, don’t complain,” Levi says.

 

“Oh? But there _is_ something different in here. What is it?” With their free hand, Hanji adjusts their glasses, inspecting the Bolognese on their fork.

 

“Eren suggested adding fennel.” Hanji hums and looks at Eren, their face lighting up. Eren's eyes dart between the two of them.

 

“Uh… I hope you don’t mind too much, Hanji. I don’t like garlic, because of the smell,” he says. Hanji sniffs once, then breaks into a huge grin and laughs like he had just told a great joke. Levi shakes his head while Eren is simply bewildered, and it’s a long minute until Hanji finally calms down again. They rub their nose with the back of their index finger and smile down at their plate before digging in again.

 

“Right now I can hardly smell a damn thing! Stupid cold. Food made with love is just what I need!”

 

Levi rolls his eyes and mutters, “Shut up, four-eyes,” although Eren can tell it’s without much bite. Hanji asks for seconds, which Levi grudgingly brings to them instead of making them get up, but only under the condition that they cover their mouth and don’t as much as breathe in his direction while he stands by the table. He silently divides the last of the pasta between their plate and Eren's, despite Eren not verbally asking for more, and then starts filling the sink to begin washing up. Eren waits until Hanji has finished before standing and taking both their plates over to help, mindful of Levi's current aversion to them and their illness.

 

“Hey, Eren, let’s continue where we left off. Next, I know exactly what we can—”

 

Hanji breaks off into more sneezes, so raucous that Levi practically recoils at the noise. The man turns his head, about to say something, but is caught off guard to see them coming around the closest corner of the kitchen island. So fast that he flicks water everywhere, Levi spins on his heel and brandishes the wooden spatula he had just been scrubbing, stopping Hanji in their tracks.

 

“Didn’t I say you were banned from coming over here? I want you to stay five feet away from me at all times.”

 

“Oh? Should I stay five feet three inches away instead? Y’know, since I have such a convenient measuring reference right in front of me.” It takes a few seconds for Eren to catch the insult that must have been instantly obvious to Levi, since his frown deepens and he gives Hanji a look even more serious than before.

 

“I will close that distance just to shut you up, shitty four-eyes.” Eren squeezes the towel in his hands, wanting to put a hand on Levi's to lower his chosen weapon but not having nearly enough courage to do so. Hanji crosses their arms in defiance, looking slightly more intimidating, but they can’t help sniffling. Eventually their shoulders sag.

 

“Levi, you’re being unreasonable,” they sigh. Levi clicks his tongue.

 

“You are absolutely insufferable when you’re sick. I thought idiots weren’t supposed to catch colds.”

 

“I am a _genius_. Certified,” Hanji retorts in mock offense. Levi simply shakes his head in exasperation.

 

“Certifiable, more like.”

 

“Fine! I get it. I’m going to bed, so quit looking at me like that.” Hanji throws their hands in the air and turns to leave, talking under their breath. Levi is muttering about stubborn idiots, and Eren decides not to mention that Hanji had been saying something very similar as they walked away. Only he could hear them, after all. But with the two of them separated, the tension is gone, and the washing up is finished without further incident. Eren pauses as he’s drying the last item, a tall glass, thinking about Hanji's words on staying hydrated. As Levi moves to wipe the already-clean countertops, he fills up the glass with cold water and slips away to Hanji's room – their bedroom, not their study. A place where Eren has not yet set foot.

 

The door is more than halfway open, so Eren can peek his head inside and knock lightly at the same time. His eyes scan over the simple furnishings – nothing too different from his own room except for the floor being carpeted instead of tile – and finally land on Hanji. They’re spread out on their back on the bed, a hand pressed to their forehead. When they hear Eren's knocking, they lift their head and wave him in. Eren has never seen them so worn out.

 

“Levi didn’t stop you from coming in?” Eren shakes his head and goes closer.

 

“I have more water for you, for the night if you need it.” Hanji sits up to smile at him, reaching out for the glass. They drink only a little before setting it down on the bedside table. Eren notices that the room is much neater than he would have expected, considering the state of the study, but figures that they only use this room for the bed and for storing clothes in the dresser. They certainly spend more time in front of the computer, forgoing sleep and other basic necessities until Levi kicks them out. There’s only one notepad and pen on the table, which they are currently using as a coaster.

 

“Thanks again, Eren.” They grab a tissue from the box by their thigh and blow their nose quietly. Eren hovers by the edge of the mattress, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “What’s wrong?” they ask, throwing the tissue away. A small, chrome bin is situated right next to the bed, presumably dragged there for convenience. There are only a few scraps of paper at the bottom of it, either wrinkled or balled up. Eren guesses that by tomorrow it will be full of tissues, though. He keeps his eyes on it instead of Hanji when he replies.

 

“Can you… be honest with me? How badly sick are you? Levi says you’re fine but is also being really strict. Are you going to need a doctor?”

 

“Oh, Eren,” Hanji says, giving him a sympathetic look. They scoot closer on the blanket, and Eren kneels on the floor in front of them quicker than they can pat the space next to them to get him to sit down. With their hand frozen in mid-air, they watch him for a second before changing directions. At this height, it’s easy for Hanji to gently ruffle his hair. “Don’t worry. I’m just a few hours into a cold. People get them all the time, especially in winter! And all that from earlier is just Levi's prickly way of being concerned. Germs are just his absolute _least_ favourite thing, for understandable reasons. I’m fine. My phagocytes will properly get to work while I’m sleeping, and soon I’ll be all better! Okay?”

 

Even though he has to make a guess at what phagocytes are, Eren doesn’t hesitate when he replies, “Okay.” He lets them keep stroking over the top of his head, feeling more reassured at the physical contact. Hanji stops a moment later so they can reposition themselves lying down on their stomach, bringing their face down to the same level as Eren's.

 

“And how about you, now. Are you okay?” They look at him, their brown eyes wide and expectant. Eren flicks his eyes down without meaning to, and then nods his head. With his gaze on his lap, he doesn’t need to move to watch Hanji place their hand over his on his knee. “I have a confession to make. I actually went upstairs much earlier than you probably think, so I heard the end of your conversation with Levi.” They wait to see if Eren reacts badly to this information, but all he does is raise his head and frown slightly, more confused than angry. It has caught him by surprise, to hear that Hanji could have been so quiet to make it up those stairs without him noticing, but he supposes that his mind had been elsewhere at the time. “And sorry for crossing a line last night. I know now that it’s too much. And I want to agree with Levi and say that you were, and still are, very strong.” They squeeze his hand lightly, smiling when he flips his over so that they can hold it properly, even if his touch is kept very light. He nods quickly and bites at his inner cheek again.

 

“You made me feel better afterwards, yesterday and today. I just can’t talk about everything right now. Maybe in the future. I have to get used to talking to people all over again. Cooking was a nice—” he cuts himself off before he can say ‘distraction,’ knowing that it’s not the right word for what he means. He starts to play with the fur on his tail with his other hand. “Cooking was nice. The, uh… the last time I ate with my f-family I argued with my mother about going out of the village and then ran off. It’s the whole reason I wasn’t with her.”

 

Hanji rubs their thumb over Eren's knuckles, his fingers going limp in their grasp. He has a distant look in his eyes, mournful but without tears. “Hey, Eren. Will you let me try something,” they ask softly, waiting for him to acknowledge them before carrying on. “You know her spirit is in the earth, right? Well, if you could talk to your mother now,” they whisper, brown eyes steadily gazing at him over the top of their glasses, “If you had the chance to say something to her, what would you say?” Eren swallows hard at the question.

 

“I would tell her… I would tell her I love her.” His voice cracks, in a way that couldn’t have been avoided. He swipes quickly at his eyes before continuing. “I would tell her that over and over, and I wouldn’t stop until she knew it was true, no matter what else I might have ever said to her.”

 

“She can hear you, Eren. And I’m sure that that’s something she’s known all along.”

 

Hanji discretely passes Eren a tissue, putting a hand on the back of his head to pull him in to their shoulder briefly before letting go.

 

“You better leave before Levi gets mad. You might be a special case, but he’ll chew me out for real.” Eren drops the tissue in the bin, quirking his head at their words.

 

“Special?” Hanji's glasses glint in the light as they shuffle around and sit up again.

 

“Mm, that’s just my judgement. But, Eren, think of it like this. If Levi can’t remember the last time he cooked _for_ someone, then how long do you think it’s been since he cooked _with_ someone, like he did with you tonight?”

 

Eren has no answer for that. He thinks about it long and hard. Even after he excuses himself from Hanji's room and goes to bed, it’s on loop in his head. And no matter how many times he repeats it back to himself, he can’t figure out how it makes him feel. Secretly, helping Levi out had been very meaningful for him from the start. But he hadn’t stopped to think that the same might have been true for Levi.

 


	19. The Support

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop" - Confucius
> 
> ITS BEEN EXACTLY A YEAR I'M SORRY!! Please know that this hiatus it was very important, it was my final year in uni and the time I spent studying instead of writing has paid off with a 1st Class degree, and I can't regret that. I just wish I could've given you some warning but no one likes getting an email just to see its not actually a chapter so I didn't know what to do! I wasn't expecting it to take me _quite_ this long but thank you for all your kind messages and patience. I haven't received a single bad message, thank you everyone for being so understanding.
> 
> This chapter is shorter than all the others but damn if I'm not going to give you anything today. I wanted to write more but the 5th is the deadline I gave myself and here we are. I'll come back to edit later~
> 
> EDIT: I AM TERRIBLE AND FORGOT TO LINK TO A BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF ART OF EREN I GOT JUST UNDER A YEAR AGO pls go check it out and treat your eyes [here](http://erenfanclub.tumblr.com/post/126167349268/littlechisa-something-quick-for)!! (ღ˘⌣˘ღ) Thank you [littlechisa](http://littlechisa.tumblr.com/)~

 

“Ah, at least one of us is bright-eyed and bushy-tailed,” Hanji says, coming to kneel in front of Eren. They snort. “Quite literally in your case, eh?” Eren smiles a little at the joke, but he doesn’t think that Hanji is particularly lacking in energy at the moment. However, it is true that they had slept in, for once, which is peculiar in itself. What had woken him up earlier had been the sound of the kettle and Levi moving about in the kitchen, rather than the noise Hanji makes when they bustle around in the morning before greeting him. When there had been no sign of them for another ten minutes, Eren had gone searching, finding them still in bed after checking the study. And while Hanji had been unusually groggy for a moment, their sudden realisation of the date had them jumping awake in a flash. Eren had been very confused until they reminded him that it’s time for his second check-up.

 

He can’t believe it’s only been a week since the first one, so much has happened.

 

And so, after Eren once again says he doesn’t want to sit out in the living area for the examination, they are all set up in the bathroom. Hanji had offered their room, since it had the added benefit of comfort as well as privacy, but Eren had shaken his head at that, too. Even with explicit permission, being in their space and sitting on their bed would be wrong. Not in a way that makes him scared, but in a way that makes Eren feel off just thinking about it. To be allowed to touch Hanji's possessions is one thing, but intruding so thoroughly on their sleeping place would be beyond strange. His relationships with both Hanji and Levi are too complicated, too undefined. He couldn’t do it. Especially when having someone else even step foot in his room still makes his hackles rise, wolf form or not. The more neutral ground of the bathroom is much better.

 

Hanji's excitement isn’t quite infectious, but their positive attitude is working wonders for Eren's lacklustre mood. It had been a bad night, and the aftereffects of a dream he can’t remember are only just starting to pass. Plus, Hanji is much more animated today compared to yesterday, for which he is silently glad.

 

“So! Appointment number two today, how wonderful! Are you ready, Eren?” He gives them a smile and nods. “Perfect, then step on up and let’s see how you’re doing.” Hanji has the brown-covered notebook out again, a pen poised over a fresh page, the date already written in the upper corner. Eren rubs his palms on his thighs before moving to stand on the scales for the second time. He doesn’t have to be told to stand still this time, unexpected nerves have him frozen in place. He didn’t think it would affect him this much, but with Hanji acting jittery beside him he thinks it’s less the situation and more the proximity to them.

 

The wait for the number to appear still seems long, a stretch of time in which Eren chews at his lip and Hanji hovers right by his shoulder. And when that high-pitched beep finally comes, Eren hears Hanji's breathing stop. There’s a moment of complete silence. And then they are suddenly screaming in delight.

 

“Holy crap! Eren! Holy _crap_ , this is—” They cut themselves off with a short squeal, a wide grin stretching across their face. Eren didn’t think that seeing the display light up with _46.1_ would make them so thrilled. But before he knows it, he’s being lifted straight off the scales and twirled in a quick half-circle. It happens so fast that he can’t even respond, still frozen and partly shocked at Hanji's burst of strength. They squeeze him gently around the ribs, a silent apology, and then take their hands away just to start clapping them together.

 

“Uh,” he mumbles, more than confused.

 

“Sorry, sorry, I just got so excited, I didn’t mean to pick you up without warning. But wow! Forty-six kilos Eren! I- wait, hold on.” They crouch down to retrieve the notebook and pen they must have dropped. “I’m getting ahead of myself.” Straightening up, they flick a lock of hair out of their eye before scribbling the number. Eren stands and does nothing while Hanji takes a few deep breaths, calming themselves. Unconsciously, he matches their inhales and exhales. “Ok, I’m fine now,” they say with a grin. “It really did say forty-six point one, right?”

 

“Yeah,” Eren says, trying not to let his voice waver in his nervousness.

 

“Excellent, truly excellent! A whole kilo and a bit! Ah, this is too much.”

 

“Too much?” Eren asks, his tone a little worried now. Not liking his expression, Hanji shakes their head firmly and waves their hands so fast that the pages of their notebook flap around.

 

“No, no, I mean, too much for me to handle, Eren! Such an improvement in only one week! Do you remember how much I said I expected you to gain?”

 

“No,” he admits, lowering his head slightly. But Hanji doesn’t seem to mind having to repeat themselves at all.

 

“Half a kilo, Eren. That’s around what I expected. And yet you’ve gone and doubled that! This is _very_ good progress!”

 

“It is?” Eren says quietly, absorbing Hanji's words slowly. “So… this is good?” Hanji places their pen behind their ear and puts their now-empty hand on his shoulder, giving him another friendly squeeze.

 

“Very good indeed! The best surprise. You should be very happy, Eren. I most certainly am, if you couldn’t already tell.” Hanji laughs and Eren can feel himself relax all over. He doesn’t quite know what to say, or how else he can react other than to smile, small but genuine. And it really is happiness that settles warm inside his chest.

 

Because something is going _well_ , for once.

 

Hanji brings out their measuring tape next, looping it around Eren's waist while he holds the bottom of his shirt up and out of the way. He keeps it there while they listen to his heart and jot down more notes, the air of happiness never leaving them throughout. Even the occasional sneeze can’t get them down. Eren passes them more tissues when they pat their pockets and come up empty.

 

“Thank you. Damn this cold, my nose feels all itchy and gross. Don’t you just hate that feeling?” Eren shrugs one shoulder, fixing his t-shirt with the other hand.

 

“I don’t know. I’ve never had a cold.” Hanji furrows their brow.

 

“Not even a little one? Surely you must have caught one once, winters must have got pretty harsh sometimes.” Eren shakes his head, picking at a thread he’s just noticed on his sleeve.

 

“No. For as long as I can remember, I haven’t had any illnesses.” Hanji taps the end of their pen on their chin, suddenly thoughtful.

 

“None at all, huh?” For a moment, they are silent, and then Eren sees a glint of something spark to life in their eyes. “So… I can put that down to werewolf biology, right? Superior immune system? Better resistance to disease?! An innate ability to fight off infections at a speed that could rightly be called supernatural?!” They stop abruptly, only to stare at Eren with an expression that screams excitement and curiosity. He shuffles backwards a little, as Hanji leans closer.

 

“I, uh, don’t think so.  I mean, other people could get ill. And my father is a doctor, people would need him all the time.” Armin had been a sickly child, Eren remembers, and Mikasa gets cold easily, although she rarely voiced her problems until she couldn’t hide it any longer. His father had been very well respected, too.

 

“A doctor you say? Interesting! I wonder where he got his medical training in that case… a human degree perhaps. Hmm… I’ll save that thought for another time. But in that case, you, Eren, are an unusual example of good health? There must be something genetically significant about you. _Oh,_ I am so _incredibly_ curious. _God_ the _tests_ I could—” Hanji freezes mid-rant, as if stunned by the force of their own thoughts, and then looks directly at Eren and snaps their fingers. “Blood.”

 

“What?” Eren says after a moment of them still staring but not elaborating. He doesn’t think they’re really seeing him, lost in their thoughts as they are. They blink and come back to themselves at his question.

 

“I need- no, I would very much like to take a blood sample or two from you. The possibility of discovering something major is too great for me to resist!” Hanji turns away and paces the short width of the bathroom, mumbling to themselves. “But, not right now. I know the basics that I can get out of the way but I’ll need to think harder about what specifics I can test for. I might need more equipment. If Moblit can’t bring some of my toys here then I’ll have to go out myself. And what can I then compare the results to?” Hanji scratches at the side of their head with their pen, and sniffles quietly. “I’ll wait until next week for that stuff, okay, Eren?” they ask, smiling at him over their shoulder.

 

“Yeah?” The word comes out a little high-pitched with how overwhelmed Eren feels just from watching Hanji figure themselves out. They nod their head firmly, appearing happy with the conclusion.

 

“Great! Ah, then for now, let’s get the last couple things out of the way.”

 

Eren sits while Hanji takes his temperature and blood pressure. They talk to him to while the device squeezes his arm, and it serves as a good distraction.

 

“So, sleeping this week is…?”

 

“Normal,” he replies flatly, feeling slightly awkward.

 

“Right, well, we’ll see how it goes then,” they say, their head bowed to read the numbers on the small screen. After scribbling in the last bit of information, they close the notebook and tuck it away in a pocket. “That’s all for today. Thank you, Eren. I’m not sure if you’re looking a bit pale today, but as always you can just let me know how you feel, anytime. And since you’re doing so well, I think we’ll start you on some light exercise. A short walk outside every day should be fine, help with the lethargy a bit and to add some fitness activity. Sound good?” they ask, straightening up and resting their hands on their hips. Eren looks up in disbelief, his ears twitching unconsciously.

 

“Yes. Yes please,” he answers in a rush. He knows his voice is probably equal parts eagerness and desperation but he doesn’t care. Going out means so much more than just a way to exercise. Hanji laughs and starts gathering up their things, stacking them haphazardly in their arms.

 

“I know you’re not the type to sit and read all the time. Just understand that we need to start slow and you need to learn your limits. Using some muscles will be kind of unfamiliar I expect. But let’s get some breakfast before anything else, hey?”

 

“Okay,” Eren readily agrees, suddenly feeling much better about his day. He stands and goes to pull his sweatpants up higher on his hips before remembering that his tail will get in the way. The ones he’s wearing today are too big, and there’s no drawstring to help make them tighter, but he knows that if they were fashioned like his childhood clothes then it wouldn’t be as much of a problem. A little annoyed that this bothers him day after day, he huffs and tugs the hem of his top lower instead. Hanji is marching out the door, stethoscope swinging from where they had thrown it to hang over one shoulder, and Eren stops fussing with his clothes to follow after them.

 

“Levi! Great news! Eren says he’s _never_ been sick before. We’ve got ourselves a fighter!”

 

From the kitchen, Levi huffs once, his face barely changing. “Hanji, you know I hate it when you start telling me things I already know,” he says, then takes a slow drink of his tea. Eren thinks he spots Levi's lips quirk ever so slightly before they are hidden behind the cup, but he can’t be sure.

 

“Well then, Mr. Know-it-all, can I assume that you’re on breakfast duty?” Levi nods. Even though he’s leaning against the counter, his shoulders are squared, like he’s ready to physically stop Hanji from entering the kitchen. He puts his tea down, the mug barely making a sound on the marble surface, and moves to the fridge.

 

“I’ll even make enough for you, since I’m in a good mood.” Hanji scoffs, and Eren imagines that they would be making dramatic hand gestures if their arms weren’t full.

 

“Your generosity is heart-warming, as always. I’ll leave it to you then while I type some things up.” Levi makes a shooing motion with his hand, obviously no longer interested in the conversation. “Same time next week, Eren,” they say with a wink that Eren almost misses, too busy eyeing up the food. To save his stomach the torture of being near cooking meat without yet being able to eat it, he reluctantly shuffles away to his room. He makes the bed, though he usually doesn’t bother, and then goes to wash his face so that soap is the only thing he can smell.

 

When he sits down to eat and his stomach growls, he hardly cares. The faint embarrassment he feels is countered by the knowledge that he gets healthier every time he eats. Hanji can prove it. Levi sits with them at the table, but moves his chair further away from Hanji, who he eyes warily until they are all finished. Having eaten the fastest, Eren tries to hide his restlessness. His knee is bouncing, but he doesn’t want to be rude and rush either of them, just in case they change their minds about going outside. Hanji checks their watch and then scoots backwards in their chair.

 

“Ok, so, how about we go stretch our legs now, Eren? Or would you like to wait a bit more since we’ve just eaten?” they ask.

 

“Now, please,” he says, on the edge of his seat, his back perfectly straight. If his skin were to start tingling he feels like he could shift on the spot. As it is, he has to wait by the door for Hanji to gather shoes and clothes for both of them. Eren tugs on the same things that he wore before, instantly heated under the extra layers to the point of it being almost uncomfortable. The scarf feels constricting, as do the boots, but he follows Hanji's example. They have let their hair down to cover the back of their neck, afterwards pulling on a woollen hat and a scarf of their own, plus a pair of fingerless gloves. There’s a moment where Eren stops jittering and thinks of suggesting they swap coats, but then Hanji is unlocking the door and calling out to Levi.

 

“We’ll be back soon, Levi. Are you gonna be alright on your own?” they question, obvious mirth in their voice. Levi doesn’t turn from washing up at the sink, merely throwing his middle finger up at them over his shoulder. Hanji snorts as if they had expected that exact reaction. “Enjoy your peace and quiet then, Cinderella.” The reference for the name passes Eren by completely, but it makes Levi fix Hanji with an unamused stare. Hanji giggles and darts through the doorway, and when those grey eyes slide over to him, Eren can only give a polite nod of his head before exiting the room.

 

The staircase is a little less of a challenge than yesterday, Eren thinks, feeling stronger and eager to walk around freely outside. There’s still an ache in his thighs once he’s at the top, but he’s ready for exercise, ready to fill his lungs with fresh air and take in the mid-morning sun.

 

He can’t bring himself to push past Hanji on the porch, no matter how much he wants to. They set a gentle pace which Eren feels the need to stick to. Feet treading softly over frozen grass, he understands that logically there’s no need to rush anymore, but the agitation hasn’t yet left him.

 

“What’s wrong, Eren?” He lifts his head from where he’d been glaring at the ground to see Hanji looking at him curiously. Their hair is a wild mess sticking out from under the sides of their hat, and the pale winter sunlight glints the top corner of their glasses, but Eren looks past that to their concerned brown eyes. He takes a deep breath. Unclenches his fists, knowing they shouldn’t be tense in the first place.

 

“I…” he starts, then stops and takes another calming inhale. “I want to run.” _Until I can’t run anymore… except that’s not very far._ He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “I’m… impatient. I can’t do the things I want and it’s… _frustrating_.” A soft touch in the centre of his back makes him blink.

 

“We have to take it slow,” Hanji says carefully, a furrow in their brow. “And I know that it’s hard, but for now, take in what’s around you at a speed that lets you see everything. Here, stretch out those frustrating feelings so that you can start enjoying this for real!” Hanji widens the space between them and then throws their arms out wide, bringing them up above their head and letting out a happy, exaggerated groan. “Come on, do it!” they say encouragingly when Eren stays frozen.

 

He starts by shaking out his limbs, releasing himself from that awful tight feeling that had come over him. He rolls his shoulders, his coat rustling with his movements, and then copies Hanji and reaches for the sky. Head tilted back, gaze on the bright, clouded sky, he imagines that he can feel his muscles and bones settling into their proper places, exactly like how they do when he changes forms. And with that faint, evocative sensation, he smiles and relaxes all at once, a pleased sigh escaping from his lips.

 

Eren had stressed himself so quickly that he’d hardly had time to notice or think about what he was doing or why. He has the sudden urge to explain his belated realisation to Hanji, but the look on their face lets him know that they already understand.

 

“Better?”

 

“Yeah, better. Thank you.”

 

“No need to thank me, your muscles need something to do.” Hanji starts walking again, their focus on Eren until he follows after them. “The flora and fauna around here is nothing special, but somehow, when it all comes together, it creates something pretty beautiful. Not in an artistic sense, but more like… how can I explain it? You look at it and it’s so ordinary that it can become familiar so quickly. And because of that you can feel calm, and anything out of the ordinary stands out and catches your eye and gradually becomes interesting. Take that plant over there for instance…”

 

Eren lets Hanji direct him around the outside of the clearing, happy to listen to them with one ear while checking out his surroundings with the other. He assumed that they’d just passed the time when birds would be singing, so the tranquillity of the forest went mostly unbroken aside from their conversation. Tactile as ever, Eren takes every opportunity to brush his fingers across the bark of nearby trees and leaves of other plants, paying no mind to the chill each one brought to his fingertips. He feels alive and connected to the world every time he touches something, and when he looks around him he can see plants that are both old and new, and he senses the age of the forest and feels so young in comparison.

 

It’s a good feeling. He loses the anxiety that had come with the knowledge that three years of his life had passed by out of his control.

 

It feels like a beginning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go to my tumblr if you ever want to check that I'm still alive lol. Huge thank you for 1200+ kudos and 300 bookmarks, and to everyone who hasn't given up on this fic~ I'm taking part in the snk minibang this month and will be busy with work but I'll be back with more soon!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm over at [erenfanclub](http://erenfanclub.tumblr.com/) on tumblr if you ever needed to know that


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